going to get through the work and stress.
I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.
Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.
I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.
This is of course addict behavior.
I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.
I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.
I felt ashamed and out of control.
It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.
So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.
I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.
It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.
I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.
It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.
I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.
The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.
It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.