Saturday, March 17, 2012

Being in the sugar is too hard

I've been playing this mind game over the past few weeks about how I'm
going to get through the work and stress.

I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.

Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.

I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.

This is of course addict behavior.

I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.

I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.

I felt ashamed and out of control.

It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.

So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.

I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.

It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
life giving.

I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.

I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.

It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.

I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.

The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.

It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.


Laura N said...

Sorry for the spacing. Posted from my phone.

E. Jane said...

This is a very honest post. I can see myself...thanks for sharing.

E. Jane said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jill said...

Hugs Laura. I know how you struggle with this and I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you are listening to Karly's stuff again. Have you ever looked into Binge Eating Disorder? I've been researching it and I think I fall somewhere in the mild to moderate category - a lot of the symptoms describe me, and your behaviors in this post match up to it as well. Just something for you to think about (like you need one more thing to think about!).

I'm glad you posted this and are honest about it. That's a good sign that you want to take care of yourself. Keep chugging along, sister and know that I'm here if you need anything. xoxo

Vickie said...

I was struck that your turning to your CD's is like meditation, regaining your focus, giving yourself a safe place to put yourself IN THE MOMENT. And that is a good thing.

You can find the time to get to your therapist. And it is good that you realize that and are going.

And it is very good that you realize you can prioritize and ask for help even in the midst of having way too much on your plate.

No matter what the circumstances, we can prioritize. And that is what you need to do.

(did you see my note about not volunteering for anything? do not think "things will be better by then", because it is going to take a long time. I am STILL NOT VOLUNTEERING for anything extra. do not think it is participating with your kids to volunteer. you can be more active in your kids lives in other ways and honor the family by not getting pulled under and over fried.).

And even when things are terrible, you are still in touch with reality. give yourself credit for that.

There are bloggers who have been around longer than you have who still do not realize:
1. they need a therapist
2. they have an addiction problem
3. tomorrow is not going to come, have to deal with the moment they are in currently.

side note story -
When I was in college one of the boys lost a huge amount of weight over the summer, and called all the fast food places (pizza, Mexican, etc) near campus before he came back in the fall, and asked them to honor him and not sell to him under any circumstances, even if he begged or rationalized.

that also happened with one of the biggest loser women several seasons ago - it was a specific donut shop, and they honored her by not selling to her even if she begged.

Not saying a cupcake shop trying to get going, who doesn't even know you is going to do that, but thought you would like the stories. And that cupcake shop is now off limits just as if they will not sell to you. you don't cross the threshold. Remember, I had to switch grocery stores (after 20+ years) over sampling issues.

PS - I liked the spacing, gave my mind a chance to digest

Laura N said...

Vickie, I did see your comment on no volunteering this summer and took it to heart. I already told our CE director I can't teach vbs this year.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement.