Friday, August 05, 2011

Treading water (175.8)

It's been a "flat" kind of week.  Not great, not horrible, but somewhere in between.

I've physically felt bad all week, first with PMS hormones and then with a cold that is still lingering.  I've not felt bad enough to stay in bed, but not good enough to do anything but the bare minimum.

It is a week of "lasts."  This is the last week of summer break for the kids. 

Luke's last day of preschool is today, and his last day of KinderGym (gymnastics for 4-5 year olds on the small kids equipment) was yesterday.  He starts Boys Gymnastics in two weeks, which I'm excited about because he'll be working with a Russian (male) gymnast, and it's more like a real sport at that level.  But it's been hard for him, the baby of the family, to adjust to all this growing up business.  It's a bit hard for me, too.

I have stuck to good habits, though.  I've kept the kitchen clean.  I've kept the laundry caught up.  I've kept the clutter picked up & put away.  I've gone to bed at a decent hour, and fell asleep on the couch only on Sunday night.  I've eaten breakfast every morning, and brought lunch to work every day, and had a clean dinner every night. 

I haven't worked out since Saturday's 3 miles on the hotel treadmill. When I go this long without exercising, I feel disconnected from my body. When I don't workout, I have pent up frustrations and angst that don't have anywhere to go, which usually means I end up in the food.

I've struggled with snacking before bed this week.  I could feel the urge to eat when I should be asleep, & I gave in a couple of times--nothing huge, but a nutrigrain bar and vanilla wafers at 10 pm on Wednesday night made me bloated in the morning, and yesterday my weight was 176.8, almost 2 pounds up in one day.  Helen said she had potato chips one night and her weight went up 3 pounds.  I guess it's normal to retain water when your body isn't used to processed food.

Last night I didn't have a starch with dinner, and at 9:30 I was craving starch. I had two sheets of graham crackers, only because there was (thank goodness) nothing else in the kitchen. I could have done much worse damage.

On Wednesday & Thursday I was beating myself up about not running this week.  I have a training plan on my cubicle wall, getting ready for the October half, and I'm not getting in the miles.  I was hoping to remedy that this week.  It finally cooled off a bit yesterday, and I had the energy to do zip about it. 
Today I'm working to be more realistic.  I look at how well I've really done this week--all good things I've done to stay as even as possible--and it's not such a big deal.  I have plenty of time to train. I will have more time next week when the kids start school and we are in a better routine.  I won't have to drive either of them anywhere in the morning, as they will be riding the bus at 7:30 am, and I have one pick up location since they are at the same elementary school.  This is HUGE.
We also joined Fancy Gym for another year.  They were offering a discount, and we decided we'd take the money we have been spending on acupuncture and put it toward the gym.  I have loved acupuncture, but I think it's run it's course for me for now.  I will go back every couple months, probably, to maintain the energy flow.  But for now, I think the classes at the gym will do me far more good than a one hour session of acupuncture.
So not a fabulous week, but not the worst, and I am looking at it realistically and planning for better days, hopefully as soon as this weekend.
Last year at this time, we were putting Dad in the nursing home.  The two months he was at the nursing home were some of the worst in my life.  It's incredible to look back and realize it's been a year already, and to realize how much better everything is now. 
I think about Dad every single day, still.  In the little things mostly, but the last year of his life haunts my memory daily. I don't often think of him in anger anymore.  Mostly it's sadness now, at the opportunities for emotional and relational healing that he gave up, and sadness at what he suffered physically, and bewilderment at how he could allow himself to live that long in such misery, and how he could inflict his misery on others for so long and be oblivious or uncaring about how his choices affected others.  I suppose that's normal, and it will lessen as time goes on.


Jill said...

(((((hugs)))) :)

Vickie said...

7 Stages of Grief...

You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. (vickie adds - food)

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

(vickie adds - I think you went through a lot of that during the last year of his life, that is common with terminal illnesses, the family's grieving process starts at diagnosis, not death).

As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

vickie adds -
this doesn't really address when the 'dear one' wasn't actually so 'dear'. When the dear one was actually a stinker on so many levels through most of our life.

Vickie said...

First day of school, morning go well?

Laura N said...

Kids go back on Wednesday, so I have a little more time. I got all their school supplies labled & sorted last night. The kids & I are taking supplies to school this afternoon, and finding classrooms (Luke has visited his once, but we don't know where Sophie's is yet). In 4th grade they on 2nd floor, have homeroom, and change classes with different teachers for each subject. It's going to be a much different year for her this year.

Cindy...154 said...

I understand your grief about your Dad and especially the nursing home. My Dad was in the nursing home just a little over two months and then he died. It was the worst part. It comes and goes with me, but it is good to recognize the grieving.