OA quote, April 5

I have a little book of meditations from OA called For Today.

I love today's message:

"...the more total our surrender, the more fully realized our freedom from food obsession." --OA

"Surrender. Now there's a word that stops people cold. Everybody knows that losers surrender; winners keep on fighting.  That idea kept me battling my problem of food and fat until it brought me to my knees--and to OA's door.  Step one was easy when I finally understood that fighting the problem of compulsive overeating would never in this life relieve me of it.

Proof followed swiftly in the form of abstinence and weight loss with unprecedented peace of mind. In short, sanity. In surrendering I gained what years of struggle could not bring me.

For today: There isn't a single problem in my life, including food obsession, that would not be resolved in direct proportion to my ability to stop fighting it, turn it over to God and know that a solution will come."

(bold mine)

Roger Ebert quotes and Article on "Lean In, Stand Up" (148.4)

Roger Ebert passed away.

Click on the link if you enjoy quotes.  These made me tear up.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/13-things-roger-ebert-said-better-than-anybody-else


And read this for inspiration on living in the present.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristin-van-ogtrop/lean-in-stand-up_b_2971009.html

Cutting out a little at a time. & watching fat intake (148.4) and Mumford & Sons

There's that 148 again!

First, the big news.  I'm going to see Mumford & Sons on June 17th!!!!!  I have never loved a band the way I love them.  Their lyrics are poetry. Their music is original, with a lot of different instruments. And Marcus Mumford's voice is perfection. When I found out they were touring the U.S. this summer, I told my husband that what I want more than anything in my life right now was to go see them in concert (yes, I'm being dramatic, but that's how passionate I am about them).

When they announced their tour (I am in their fan club, of course!), they emailed that they would have an invitation to buy tickets before they go on sale on April 5th, as a way to keep as many tickets as possible out of scalpers' hands.  I got invited, and on Tuesday I bought tickets.  They are choice seats--in the pit in front of the stage.  We are going with two other couples, who we went to St John with (they are easy to travel with) and we are great, long time friends. We got a VIP parking pass for $20 (did this with Pearl Jam in Indianapolis and it made a huge difference) and VIP passes for the concert.  The VIP passes allow us to get into the concert an hour early, access to a private bathroom and a private bar, and some other fun stuff.   The cost per ticket, with the VIP pass, was $86. 

It is in Bonner Springs, Kansas, so there is an 8 hour drive and we will stay the night at a hotel on Monday night, and we will miss two days of work.  But it is all worth it.  Sophie (and the other couples' kids) will be at church camp that week, and I'm having Luke spend the week with my mom for his away-from-home experience this summer (he's not ready for sleepover camp--going to the country with his grandparents is close enough to summer camp for him).  So it came at a perfect time of year, too.  It is a DREAM COME TRUE.  Seriously, I am still on cloud nine and cannot believe I get to see them live.

Okay, now onto food talk.

The other morning I added 2 Tbsp of peanut butter (natural, no sugar added) to my regular breakfast of oatmeal/berries/1 Tbsp chia seeds/2 Tbsp flax meal.  I was aiming to add more calories and protein to my breakfast so it would hold me longer. 

The combination of the PB with chia & flax was too much fat for my body to process.  I had my gallbladder taken out in 2002, and without it my body doesn't process excess fat well.  My GI tract reacts quickly, within about an hour, when I eat high fat foods.  Last Sunday's meal at the Japanese hibachi restaurant--which contained a crazy amount of butter esp. in the fried rice--was a perfect example.  It was not a pleasant afternoon.

After my PB oatmeal breakfast, I had the same reaction.  Not a pleasant morning.  I could do PB OR chia/flax, but not together.

I sometimes slip and forget about the high fat thing.  I don't over do it often, so it's not top of mind (just like when I forget to not eat cheese). For whatever reason I forget from one high fat meal to another.  Writing about it will help keep it top of mind.

A couple of days ago I started using only 1/2 Tbsp chia and 1 Tbsp flax meal.  The idea is to cut out some calories and fat, because as my weight gets lower, I don't need as many calories and eventually I will hit a plateau (too soon) if I keep my calories at levels I was eating when I was 25 pounds heavier. 

I think I'm going to start eating an egg before I leave home in the morning, to get the extra protein I need.  I don't have cholesterol problems.  I'm okay with eating real eggs, but I imagine I will need to mix it up with eggs and egg beaters every other day, just to be safe.  I know egg beaters has added ingredients, but I don't think I can do egg whites alone at this point.  I buy my eggs at our health food store, which gets them from a local chicken farm (is farm the right word?).

I was on quite a Starbucks latte kick for a couple of months.  I've talked about cutting down, but I hadn't.  It was a compulsion, which is not a good thing, obviously.  I am okay with liquid sugar in coffee; it doesn't trigger anything for me.  But cutting it out is, of course, a good thing and just cleans up my food even more.  The plan is one Starbucks a week. I have the Starbucks app on my phone (you can pay for your coffee and get a reward for every latte) and so I can track which days I buy a latte (it keeps a record of your purchases).

These are small calorie changes.  300-400 calories a day adds up. 

Slow weight loss (149.4)

Today marks 6 months of abstinence.  I lost 2.8 pounds in the past 30 days.

I started going to OA on 8/20/12 and weighed 175 pounds. I started eliminating sugar/fat/flour foods on 8/29/12.  I've lost about 26 pounds so far.  That's 3.7 pounds per month.  Very slow weight loss. Very doable weight loss. 

And it has been easy.  No stress, no worries about getting to a certain weight in a certain amount of time.  No goal weight.

It's been a gentle process, and the times when I felt like I wasn't making progress have been rare. It's been a very positive process.

This is quite different from how I've felt about losing weight in the past.  Before this program, more often than not I felt a lot of "not good enough" emotions.  I'm not perfect, and I've had slips, but I forgive myself and move on.  I don't have to be perfect.  I am good enough. 

I know I want to lose more, because I still have fat in places I don't want. I don't know where I will end up.  It's not my business.  I just have to show up, do the work, and stay abstinent.  One day at a time.

Easter family pic & sidewalk chalk

Easter Sunday

 Luke's Waddledee (from Kirby video game)

 Mark drew Bart Simpson

 Sophie drew Tweety Bird (she's getting really good.)

How I react to other people's reaction to my weight loss, this time vs. last time (149.8) and ear piercing

Vickie asked in a comment on a recent post:  I understood you to say that LAST TIME everyone still sort of had everything to do with your weight loss and that was part of the problem. And this time NO ONE has anything to do with your weight loss and that is working. Is that accurate?

Since my reply was lengthy and, hopefully, insightful, I wanted to include it in a post.
I responded:

That's a good question. The first time I guess I let other's reactions to my weight loss--whether positive or negative--influence the way I processed the loss. I was in a place where I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not eating what they offered. I was also concerned about what people would think about was on my plate (or wasn't on my plate). I would often feel bad about being thin around people close to me who weren't, while at the same time feel superior to them. I talked about my weight loss a lot more, too (because I was asked about it and didn't know it was better to NOT talk about it). I craved the praise and approval.

The external rewards/acknowledgment were important to me, and they aren't now. And the external (perceived) criticism messed with my head, and it doesn't now. And if/when it does, I talk to my sponsor or take a God break, and get focused on what's important again.

This time....I think approaching it from the direction of this is an ILLNESS (addiction), and I'm not on a diet, has made all the difference. I don't care what people think if I say no to food I can't eat. Because my health and my sanity are much more important than what anyone else thinks about me or about themselves. I don't need the compliments and I don't need to talk about my weight loss.

I like how I look, and I'm not comparing myself to others anymore. Sometimes comparison still slips in, but honestly I can look back at the weight gain in 2010-2011 and I'm just so thankful I am healthier and thinner now. I accept that this is the body I have, and it doesn't have to be perfect for me to be happy. That wasn't the case before. I was never happy with my body, no matter what size I was. I always wanted to be thinner & faster & better. Nothing was ever good enough. I'm working hard on eliminating that kind of thinking from my life.

This is just who I am now. I'm addicted to food, I can't eat what I can't eat, and the body I have now is the body I'm meant to have. The body I'm meant to have will continue to change over time, and I will accept it--the good, bad, and ugly.

And, it's not about ME. I am not doing this on my own. I truly believe I could not have made this shift in thinking without OA and without God's help. I have a lot more (very powerful) tools this time around than I did last time.
***
We had a good 3 day weekend.  We didn't have anything on the schedule, so it was a family time with just us.  We stopped doing Easter dinners with Mark's family when his sister moved to Indy a couple years ago (smaller family now, and Mark's cousin who always hosted decided she wanted Easter off, too).  My mom had Easter dinner, but I didn't want to spend the whole day with my family.  The food is always all white and yellow and brown, and frankly they can suck the energy out of me.  Yesterday was our last day of spring break and I chose to guard our time together instead of trying to make anyone else happy. (This is not really new for me--I have never spent Easter with my family. Thankfully my mom is very understanding and doesn't make me feel guilty.)

After church on Easter we went to a Japanese hibachi restaurant, which we love b/c it is such fun.  The food is heavy on salt and butter, though, and I paid for it with some digestive distress yesterday and I'm a little bloated this morning.  I don't eat there often, and thankfully it didn't trigger any cravings. I read a book and watched "Lost" and had a lovely relaxing time at home.  The kids & Mark did sidewalk chalk yesterday, which turned out to be a sunny and warmer afternoon.  I'll have to post pics later of their art.  Mark & Sophie are masters of sidewalk chalk.

The highlight of my weekend was a girls day I had with my friend Amy on Saturday.  We met for lunch at 11, then went to the mall to shop at Sephora.  And I got my ear pierced!

There's something about being in your 40s and wanting to "mark" it somehow.  I know a ton of women who get tattoos when they turn 40 (my friend Kate--not niece Kate in Indy--has a tattoo on her upper inner arm of "I am half agony, half hope," a quote from her favorite book, Persuasion).  I guess it's a right of passage, maybe. Or hormones. Or a desire to hang onto youth.  Whatever reason, I have wanted a tattoo for several years now.  But Mark hates them, and since it's important to me what my husband thinks of my body, I'm not getting one. 

I still wanted something, though.  So I decided to get my left ear pierced where my acupuncture pins usually go.  Have I talked about those?  Part of my treatment is getting little pins put into one ear in two places--one in the divot where my ear lobe meets the rest of my ear (which is a depression--I like to think of it as "happiness"--point), and the other in the cartilage just above the "c" curve of my inner ear (which is a centering point). 

I love those pins. They look cool and I've had several compliments (and questions) on them.  They usually stay in about 10 days.  I wear my hair up a lot so my ears are exposed all the time.  I wanted to get them permanently, not for treatment but for the symbolism of centering and happiness. 

Indiana won't allow jewelry stores to pierce cartilage--I have to go to a tattoo shop for that (irony of ironies).  So I just have the happiness spot pierced right now, with a 3 mm silver ball.  When I can change into a regular earring, I will get a smaller ball.  I'll get the cartilage pierced soon. 

I can still get the pins in my right ear, when I need them.

After the mall, Amy and I got pedicures.  We spent five hours together and it was refreshing and recharging.  I love talking with that girl. We are kindred spirits.

The knee is better but not 100% yet.  Still no running or workouts.  I'm using KT tape on it for stability and to keep the swelling down.  I'm hopeful a couple weeks rest will be enough.  If I injure it again, I'll have to go to PT. 

I am officially DONE with black tights, socks, and boots.  I don't give a flying fig that it's in the 40s today.  It's April, for crying out loud.  I'm wearing a skirt and sandals with bare legs today (with a cream sweater, so I'm not being stupid about the cold, just a little rebellious).  Who cares if it's cold?  I can't take the winter clothes anymore.

The knee & the shoulder (148.6)

My knee is still swollen.  It can feel fine when I walk, and then if I step wrong or do something else weird (which I can pinpoint exactly), the tendons will hurt again.  I wrapped it, iced it, and elevated it last night.

I didn't rest it on Tuesday.  I overdid it.  My thought process was--it's not that bad.  I've never had knee problems and I'm sure it will heal quickly.  I didn't injure it exercising so it can't be that bad.  And, I hadn't worked out in forever and just wanted to BE at the gym.  So, I took a weights class.  I used very light weights on squats and no weights on lunges.  I didn't go as deep as usual.  It didn't hurt once during the class.  Then I walked--slowly, between 3 - 3.3) on the TM for 45 minutes while I watched an episode of Lost on Netflix on my phone.  It didn't hurt.  I stretched gently.  I went home and wrapped it, iced it, and elevated it.

Obviously, Tuesday's workout was stupid, because it was really swollen yesterday.

It doesn't hurt that bad, and a lot of the time it feels normal.  But it is swollen.  So I know there's damage in there of some kind.

I'm getting some KT tape tonight and will have my friend who's a PT help me tape it.  I'm not working out again until it's 100%.  Which better be soon because the weather is finally going to get nice in a couple of weeks and I want to be out there running.

I did notice yesterday that when I sit at my desk, I often cross my legs and I tend to let my lower leg drift to the side, which puts pressure on the sides of the bottom knee.  I am trying really hard not to cross my legs at work. It's as hard habit to break.

Also, my left trapezius muscle is tightening up again, and so is my neck.  I had this problem a few years ago and went to a PT for it.  I know it's work related because it's fine at home.  When we moved into our new office in February, I got a new chair like my old one (I only had to pay $30--the office paid $200 and I had a coupon for Office Depot and saved $100).  My arms are level at my keyboard.  My monitor is at the right height.  I don't know what the problem is.

I have started stretching my chest again, lying on the floor with a rolled towel under my spine.  It's not as bad as it was before, but it can really hurt after working a full day.  I've only been at work an hour today and it hurts a little already.

I have also decided to back down to once a month acupuncture (b/c the sun is out more and the weather will be warmer & I can run more, I feel like I can switch to maintenance treatments now).  And then add a massage once a month.  My first massage is April 26 (first available that fit my schedule--April is a busy month).  One hour massage is the same cost as acupuncture ($65).

I'm going to a massage therapist that the owner of our office goes to.  He even gave me a gift certificate so my first one is free.  He is THE best person ever.  Seriously, we are beyond blessed to work in this office (it will be one year on April 18--can you believe that?!)

I think the massage will help a lot with my back & neck issue.  It's cheaper than PT, which my insurance doesn't cover until I reach my $2500 deductible, so I'm not doing PT.

Getting older can really suck.  My body has put up with office work for decades.  Now it decides it doesn't like it.  And I have to figure out how to make it last for another couple of decades (unless God has some plan for me not to work anymore, which I don't foresee but who knows). 

Mark's back has been good and bad since his procedure. It tends to hurt worse on long, stressful days.  Stress has a huge amount to do with how much pain he has.  His PT has had him work on his core muscles--somehow Mark doesn't relax his core the right way and it's always tense, which puts stress on his lower back.   I don't really understand it.  He has breathing exercises he's supposed to do, but I'm not sure how much he's doing it.  He sucks at "compliance" and isn't all that proactive most of the time.

He also is the kind of person who thrives on stress--I don't know how else to put it.  He rarely allows enough time to get ready or to get from one place to another (his sense of time is skewed--I think it's a right brain thing; Sophie is the same way). He is almost always in a hurry.  He must somehow get a rush or is addicted to the stress hormones.  I HATE stress hormones and I do everything I can to not be put into a position where I have to hurry.  I do fear for him, that the stress is horrible for his heart.  But I can't change him, and he's not changing himself.  I don't nag him about it anymore.  Nagging just makes it worse.

This is the second time in a week I've seen 148.6 on the scale. Wednesday will be 180 days of abstinence.  I'm very happy with how things are going right now.

I'm also still tapering off of wellbutrin.  I'm now at skip three days, take one.  I will do that for about another week, then will do skip four days, take one for a couple of weeks then I'll be done.  It takes four days for wellbutrin to be completely out of your system.  It is an easy drug to wean off of (as opposed to other SSRI's, which can be brutal).  I have felt a faint brain "zap" a couple of times when I switched from skip two days to skipping three days but it wasn't bad or long.  I haven't felt any depression from it. I'm guessing I'll be back on wellbutrin in the fall.  I'm still taking lamictal 75 mg, which has been a miracle drug in stabilizing my moods.

Now the real work begins (149.0)

I ran the OA meeting last night, which means I gave my "lead" (I talked about my story for 40 minutes). 

It was the second time I'd given my lead.  The first time I gave it, last November, I told my story at a high level, getting in as many details of my life as possible.  This time, I still gave details but not as many and they were more in depth. 

I talked a lot about my life between 2007-2012.  How I'd lost and gained.  How I felt when I'd lost weight the first time.  How I did the outside work but not the inside.  How I still had a "fat head" at 146 pounds.  How my life wasn't perfect when I got thin.  And how when life hit me in the shins, I went right back to food.

At the end of my talk, I said I feel like the first 6 months of OA have been a honeymoon phase (which is a term they use) and it has been a blessing to be free from the power of food.  I couldn't have done it by myself; only through meetings and the program have I been able to lose 25 pounds and become free of the prison of sugar.

Now, the hard work begins.

I didn't do the hard work the last time.  The hard work is the inside work.  It is working the 12 steps.  It is examining those parts of myself I'd rather ignore (that's what the 4th step inventory is mostly about--which I'm not working on yet).  It's acknowledging every single day that I am a food addict.  It's identifying foods I think I can eat safely, but when they become a problem, eliminate them from my diet (like fried foods---fried anything makes me think about more food).  It's reading more OA lit and writing more often about my feelings.

I read this weekend in one of the OA books (on my Kindle) that simply overeating is a pathway to compulsive eating.  I have noticed this, as well.  I have overeaten several times, and each time was because I subconsciously wanted the comfort food offered.  I have eaten other than meal times, mostly on the weekends, out of boredom or for distraction.

I have to be honest about these eating behaviors, or I will slip back into compulsive eating.  Addiction is insidious that way.

To help me keep a journal, I downloaded an app on my phone called Daily Diary.  I love it.  I hate to write long hand.  It takes too long and my hand writing is atrocious. I don't have the patience to write neatly.  Plus, I don't have a big purse so I can't carry a journal around with me.  I always have my phone.  I can type pretty quickly with my thumbs (I always wonder what kind of damage we are doing to our thumb joints?  will there be an abundance of thumb arthritis 30 or 40 years from now?).  I typed out my notes for yesterday's OA talk on there.  I also journaled on Sunday, after I'd had three days of not so great eating, to work through WHY I was eating the way I was.  The diary is just one more tool in my arsenal.

Tools are how I stay even.  I think of all these as my tools: meetings, my sponsor, my OA friends, medication, abstinence from sugar/fat/flour foods, my SAD light, exercise, reading and writing, my therapist, acupuncture, my blog and all of you. 

If any of these tools aren't being used, I can slip and get out of balance.  I've got plenty of proof to that effect.

Sleep needs to be a better tool--I still don't have a great bed time/wake up time habit.  I like to stay up late and I don't like mornings.  This may forever be a challenge until I learn to accept what is good for me, instead of wanting things my way (kind of like with food, no?). 

Random news: I did something to my knee yesterday.  I sat on the bed for a few minutes with one leg folded underneath me.  When I stood up, the tendons on both sides of my knee hurt.  Felt like I'd strained them.  It's hard to describe, because I haven't felt anything like that before.  I stretched it and elevated it for about 30 minutes.  It got better, then when I stood up after sitting for about 20 minutes, it did it again.  I wrapped it last night in an ace bandage and slept with it elevated on a pillow.  It still feels weak this morning--not the same pain as last night, but I can tell it's not right. 

It didn't hurt to walk up stairs this morning at work, so that's a good sign.  I'd planned on working out tonight (run or walk or class).  Not sure if that's going to happen or not.  I think walking might actually be good for it, if I don't push too hard.  We'll see.

Kids are at my mom's today and tomorrow.  I have a free night for me! I'm going to a concert at the university where our church choir director teaches. He's conducting a Bach concert with his university choir and the Bach Singers group he put together a couple of years ago (the Bach Singers perform at our church twice a year).  I'm so stinking excited to have a night to myself and to support his efforts.  Unfortunately I'm going by myself.  I asked Mark's cousin to go with me but she's busy. All my friends have kids and can't go.  Mark has a meeting tonight.  I'm okay with going places by myself, but it would have been nice to have shared it with someone else. 

It snowed here all day yesterday.  No accumulation other than a dusting on our deck and fence (didn't even stay on the grass).  But it was totally bizarre to see blowing snow on the first day of the kids' spring break.  I am so winter weary.  I'm not alone, I know.  Last March was the warmest we'd had in over 100 years.  I'm guessing this is one of the coldest in years.  Ah, climate change.  I'm sure we'll have more extremes in the years to come.

Nothing sinking this ship (149.2)

Warning: brief whine session ahead
I am so tired of being cold.  I am tired of my winter clothes.  I'm tired of wearing tights all the time. I miss wearing summer sandals. I'm tired of paying a stupidly high utility bill (I don't keep our house cold like a lot of people--I like to be comfortable in my own house. But it's not THAT warm, and I always have to wear a sweater & socks).  I'm tired of being cold at work; I need to just buy a space heater but I keep hoping the weather will warm up and I won't have to buy one (but I'm done waiting and I'm getting one ASAP).  I'm sick about how cold it's going to be Palm Sunday, when we have our Easter egg hunt at church.  IF we even have it.  It's supposed to rain too. 

I know I'm preaching to the choir. I'm sure you're all just as anxious as I am for spring weather to arrive.

Whine over.

So I'm doing really, really well. 

Sophie was sick yesterday with a touch of a migraine and a tummy ache.  A friend at work told me about her niece who started getting tummy aches once a month about a year before she started her period.  Sophie will be 12 in May, hasn't started yet.  I'm now tracking her tummy aches to see if there's a pattern, so we can be aware of it. 

I stayed home in the morning with her, then came to the office at 11.  Mark didn't leave for home until 1 pm, so she was by herself for a couple of hours, which she is fine with and I am too. 

Mark had a back procedure yesterday (steroid injections).  The radio frequency procedure (where they burn the nerve around his spine) he had 4 months ago has worked well, but it's starting to wear off.  He's been having more bad days recently.  He had this procedure done to carry him the next two months; he can get another RF at 6 months (the nerve grows back).  I stayed with him at the doctor's office (Sophie was home another 2 hours by herself) during the procedure because he was nervous and wanted me there.

I had a conversation with my mom about the insurance settlement from the car wreck she had (with my kids in the car) almost 2 years ago.  She was very upset because the attorney said she'd get $3600 after they pay all the expenses and attorney's fees.  That won't cover what she's had to pay out of pocket.  She has back pain from the accident.  She has not been seeing a pain doctor, which I told her to do months ago.  Insurance doesn't care how you feel; they care that you can prove your injuries through doctor visits.  Needless to say, she's not settling for that amount.  Who knows how it will work out--it's not my job to fix it and I'm not worrying about it.  (They settled with us last month, and we got more than that for the kids.)  Even though I'm not worrying about it, I'm still upset for my mom and hate to know she's going through this. 

Then last night Luke & I went to a friends house to hang out with our core group of church friends. My close friend Paula and her family moved to Iowa in December, and they were here for their spring break.  It was wonderful to be back together with everyone.  We laughed and laughed and had so much fun.  These are the kinds of friends where you can be apart but pick up right where you left off when you get back together.  Our kids are all big enough to play upstairs by themselves (youngest is 3) so we had adult time around the dining room table.  It was fabulous.

None of this sank me.  Not one bit.

I feel really good today (other than being cold).  My food is in line.  I was able to be around pizza and dessert last night and have no issues.  I had salad and two slices of cheese (more on cheese in a minute).  I allow two slices on my program, since that small an amount doesn't trigger cravings for me.

On the cheese, I think I have to stop eating it all together.  I have digestive issues a few hours after eating it and it continues into the next day.  I really only eat cheese on pizza and grilled cheese.  I don't eat it every day.  Other than Starbucks lattes, it's the only dairy I eat.  So it shouldn't be too hard to give up.  It's just a mind shift that I need to make.

I bought a kleen kanteen water bottle, which I love.  I didn't buy the sports cap at first, but found that unscrewing the cap, which takes longer than a typical bottle because it has a longer "thread," was taking too long.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  But I like to drink all day at my desk, and taking the time to unscrew the cap was getting annoying.  I won't leave it open on my desk--too risky around my keyboard and paperwork.  So I ordered the sportscap from Amazon and love it.

I also have been making smoothies more.  I put in a big handful of spinach, soy protein powder, coconut water and milk (the lite milk in a can, which has no sugar but some fat for staying power), and about a cup of frozen berries and pineapple/mango mix.  I had been using 1/2 a banana, but decided that was a bad idea b/c they are high in sugar and some people (Vickie in particular) have reported gaining weight when adding banana to their diets. I'm not having them every day, so I'm not worried about eating too much fruit. They are nice when I don't feel like eating food.  I can't taste the spinach, and this is a great way to get it into my diet.

My cough is almost gone, but my throat has been hurting the past two days and I'm all snotty again.  It's driving me crazy.  My mucas had a thread of red in it this morning, but I'm hoping I can fight it off (taking Vit C) and it won't become a full blown infection. I don't want to take another antibiotic.  And I definitely don't want to be sick again!

No workouts for me this week.  Again, it's the stinking cold keeping me (giving me an excuse) from going to the gym or getting on the treadmill at night.  Thursdays are when I can take a weights class, but Sophie's school choir concert is tonight so I can't go to class.  I am planning on making the yoga class Saturday's at 9 a routine, so hopefully that will happen this weekend.  I might get on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes after class, so that will be good.  I need the cardio and the release.

I'm also planning to go to the eye doctor Saturday and see if I can get contacts.  I have to wear glasses to read and work, and I'm tired of them.  I look much better without glasses--I've got this pretty new eyeshadow to show off!  It's been over two years since I last had my eyes checked, and I think my eyes continue to get worse.  I've never had contacts, but I have no problem touching my eyeball. 

Kids have spring break next week.  I'm taking Monday off, taking them to the dentist (I know, what a fun spring break).  Then they'll be with my mom a day or two, and not sure about the other day.  We have Good Friday off since the stock market is closed.  It's going to still be cold next week, so not much of a "spring" break.  Have I mentioned I'm sick of the cold weather? ha.

I have acupuncture tomorrow.  Can't wait.  It still helps me, a lot.

So that's the scoop.  I'm very thankful I am in the place I am right now.

18 year anniversary (149.0) and Makeup Talk

Today is our wedding anniversary.  I have this picture on my bedside table.  It is one of my favorites from our wedding day.  I can't believe it's been 18 years already. 

I had a pretty good weekend.  We enjoyed our date night Friday (Oz was a fun movie--a bit slow in a few places, but overall very enjoyable.  If you have an IMAX theater nearby & the funds to spend, I'd recommend it. The 3D is amazing). 

Saturday I took a yoga class--I was still very sore from Thursday's weight class, and it was hard to hold poses that required strong legs.  Saturday night we went to a hockey game with the kids, and it was a lot of fun.  Sunday was church, then grocery shopping, then a bit of laundry.  I took it easy most of Sunday.  It was cold and rainy all day, so definitely a lazy day.

I handled the grey weather Saturday afternoon & Sunday pretty well, and didn't get into a funk.  I guess the increased sunlight is making a difference.  I didn't sleep well last night (cough is still there but it's much better) and it's still nasty outside, and I'm in a bit of a funk today.  I think it's a case of the Monday's.

I got several compliments on Sunday morning.  I am receiving & processing them differently this time around.  I feel more like "yes, this is who I AM" instead of "oh yes look at me! I've lost weight and aren't I special? Pour on the praise, please." 

And I DO feel like this is who I am.  Much more at peace with my body.  I don't care that it's not perfect.  I'm not dying to get to a certain weight or clothing size.  I don't care if I ever get into a size 6.  I like the clothes I have.  I feel comfortable and confident. 

I'm thankful my workout clothes fit better, and I'm even comfortable in my yoga/running pants without a big shirt covering up my backside.  That's progress!

I'm thankful I am strong and I can run and lift weights and do yoga.

I'm thankful every single time I squat down--life requires a lot of squating, and I'd rather squat than bend over at the waist to save my back--that I can get down & back up without any assistance (hands on floor/wall/chair). This is a simple thing, but when I was heavy, I couldn't do this.

I feel like I'm finally OK with food.  I will always be addicted to food--and I am not arrogant enough to think I've licked this disease, not by any means--but I'm not its slave anymore.

***
Warning--totally girly makeup talk below.  If you're not into make up, this will bore you to tears.

Saturday after yoga I went to Ulta and played with the makeup.  I'd been feeling really drab, like the colors I was using were washing out my face. With my pale skin, it's difficult to balance between looking dull with too little color and looking garish with too much color.

My friend Amy is a makeup fiend, and she gave me many recommendations on our trip to Florida.  So I had a starting point and it was easy to find what I needed without feeling overwhelmed.

I got eyeshadow, liner, and blush.

My favorite purchase is Urban Decay's Naked 2 eyeshadow pallette.  I've only every used cheap eyeshadow, choosing to spend money on good foundation, skin care, and mascara.  Oh what I've been missing!  This pallet is a perfect balance of neutrals.  I can mix up the colors on my eyes and look great in any of them.  The colors blend easily, much more so than what I'd been using before.

I couldn't wait to wake up the past two mornings so I could do my eyes. Obviously, I'm a make up fiend too.

I also got an Urban Decay eyeliner to match.  It's a bronze color, which makes my blue eyes stand out.  I'd been using a lot of black eyeliner, which I love, but I can get carried away with it and it actually makes my eyes look smaller. 

I needed a new blush color, too.  That's where it's really tricky.  I don't wear pink well.  I can't have anything too dark.  I want to look natural but still have color & brightness in my cheeks.  I have also found that powder blush is making my cheeks and skin near my eyes look crepe-y.  Tarte has a cheek stain which is basically colored wax in a stick. I got the peachy toned Tipsy.  One of the reviews I read said she'd had her stick for 7 years.  I can see why.  It takes next to nothing to get color.  It took some getting used to, but I perfected the application by day 2.  I have a natural glow, not big peach/pink cheekbones. And no dry looking skin.

Last week I needed new foundation, so I bought Tarte's BB cream in Fair from Sephora.com (yes, it was risky, but I'm almost always the lightest shade.  From the reviews I learned that the 2nd lightest shade was too dark for several women. Thankfully it was perfect).  I've been using a tinted moisturizer with loose powder over it for years.  I don't like heavy coverage and since my skin is good, I don't need it.  The BB cream feels like silk going on.  It's a bit more coverage than the tinted moisturizer, so I need very little powder, which helps reduce the dry skin look.  I also discovered that the tinted moisturizer I've been using is actually too dark.  It matched my skin tone OK, but it wasn't until I got the new BB cream that I realized the tint was a shade too dark for me and making me look more tanned than I like (at least I don't like it when I don't have a tan).

So that's the story of my makeup.  :)

Insanity, as it applies to us in OA (150.2) and Measurements

Thought I'd share what I wrote for one of my OA 30 questions:

Some say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  This applies to diets/compulsive eating.  I've tried in the past to "control" my eating but food actually controlled me.  In the past, I prayed that God would help me lose weight, but what I really wanted was for God to make me thin but still be able to eat anything I want.

When it comes to food, I have acted in a completely irrational (insane) and self destructive manner.  I have eaten and behaved in ways that no sane person would dream of.

I was obsessed with diets for years.  After being on diet after diet, I would inevitably overeat and return to compulsive eating behaviors.

True insanity--I kept trying to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery.

Food caused me to act insanely, especially in regards to how I treated my children and husband.  I am a mean sugar drunk.  I hurt the people I love most, because I choose food over them.
I was more comfortable with food than people.  I isolated myself.  Food became my friend, comforter, lover.  But food is FOOD. None of those things can be found in food for a sane person.

****
I went to a Group Power (weights) class last night for the first time in months and months.  The hour went by quickly.  It was wonderful to feel my muscles work.  I am sore today--I will be sorer tomorrow.  I plan to take a yoga class tomorrow morning and maybe another weights calls Sunday afternoon.  I haven't run since the race, but I expect to add that back in next week, at least a couple of days.  I like that I can have balance in my exercise, since I don't have a race to train for. 

Still not sure about the April half. Talked to a guy yesterday who runs, and he said the hills aren't that bad--there aren't any as steep as the two areas I run on.  The biggest problem with that race, he said, is it's boring.  You run through a lot of cornfields.  That more than anything will deter me. I love running in the city.  I get so much energy from city running.  It's hard to explain the WHY of where this energy comes from.  Maybe it's because I like cars and I like houses and neighborhoods.  I can feel the energy of the people around me.  Maybe it's the power lines...who knows.  :)

I was able to sing in church choir rehearsal last night.  Even hit the G notes pretty well (although not as strong as usual).  It was bliss.  I love music, I love to sing. Not having a singing voice for 3 weeks really affected how I felt in a negative way. 

I took my measurements this morning while I was waiting for my root touch-up hair color to process (root touch-up color is brilliant, but why is it almost expensive as a box of full color?  ticks me off).

They were:
Waist, narrowest part: 29.5
Waist at belly button: 31.5
Chest under arms: 32.5
Chest (boobs), no bra: 36.5
Hips (upper, around bottom of underwear): 39
Saddlebags (widest part of lower body): 42 (ugh)
Calf: 14.5
Thighs (forgot to measure)
Ankle: 8.5
Upper arm by armpit: 12
Bicep: 11
Wrist: 6
Neck: 12.5

I also have 2010 measurements in my notepad on my phone, when I weighed 164 pounds. They were:
Waist (narrowest part): 32.5 (down 3")
Hips (upper): 42.6 (down 3.6")
Saddlebags: 45 (down 3")
Upper chest: 34.5 (down 2")
Chest (boobs), no bra: 38.5 (down 2")
Upper thigh: 23.5 (down ?)

This is great to know, because I thought I had lost the most in my upper body.  My upper body noticeably slims down sooner than my lower half (I can see my collar bones and my ribs across my chest).  But my lower half lost more inches.  Which is cool!

It also surprises me how much I lose in small places, like my neck, feet, and wrists.  I can see tendons in my feet that weren't there last year.  I can wear the pearl choker I wore on my wedding day, that I couldn't wear when I was at my heaviest.  I got my Movado watch fixed, that Mark bought me for my 35th birthday almost 8 years ago; it needed a new battery and I had three links taken out of it. I needed those links when I weighed 200 pounds. 

We celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary Monday.  Going to dinner (Mark wants Red Lobster b/c they have lobster fest on.  Not my favorite restaurant, but it will make him happy) and to see Oz tonight. 

I am now the age my mom was when I got married!  I look back at pictures of my wedding, and while my mom was beautiful, I do look younger than she did then.  Which is encouraging--I hope I still look younger when I'm 60 than what she does now.  It's my theory that people who have kids when they are young, and also when they work a factory job for 25+ years, age more quickly than those who have kids when they are older.  My step dad is one year older than Mark--he has two grown sons and a posse of grandkids. He also is a heavy equipment operator, which is a physically demanding job. He looks much older than Mark.

Hopefully, please God, it will be warm today like it's supposed to be.  I know I keep whining about this, but this winter has been the longest I can remember.  It's going to be in the 50s/30s next week.  Still!  Our church Easter egg hunt is next Sunday, and it's supposed to be 36/51 that day.  Sooo not right.  When we got married in March of 1995, the trees were budding and flowering trees has flowers, and it was temperate like a spring day.  No such luck this year.  Gah! I cannot wait for the heat to get here.  I do solemnly swear that I will not complain when it's 90+ this summer.  IF it even gets to 90+. 

Feeling great, feeling stable.  My weight will be up for a week or so while I go through mid-cycle hormones and stabilizes a bit. I can't wait to get & stay under 149--normal BMI that I so desire. 

Happy weekend, peeps.

Almost normal (149.6) and new bras

.6 more pounds and I will be in the normal BMI.  Woot!

I bought new bras last week.  I haven't had new bras in ages.  I was wearing 36Ds before I lost more weight, and now need 34Ds.  I had two 34Ds from 2008 that I've been wearing, but they were pretty worn out. 

I went to Dillards and bought four good bras.  A good bra completely changes how I look; cheap bras do the same, but in a bad way.  The Girls need proper lift and support.

I bought two Modern Movement bras, which I got for $60 for two ($42 for one).  One is nude, and the other is black with white polka dots (and sooo cute).

I also got two b-tempted push up bras (b-tempted is a Wacoal brand; $40 a piece).  I haven't had a push up bra since, well, I can't remember.  The Girls don't sit as high as they used to (thanks to gravity & childbirth--you all know what I mean).  I thought I'd just try one on, to see if would work.  It does.  Pushes the Girls up and forward.  One is dark brown with purple straps; the other is beige with pink straps.  They make me feel girlie.  I can't wear them with everything.  Smooth t-shirts work better with the full support bras.  But I can wear them with dresses and dressy shirts.

The girlie bras make me feel pretty and confident. 

I also bought new undies.  (TMI coming up....) I wear thongs because I hate panty lines, and my backside doesn't accomodate regular undies well.  I've worn thongs for years--they don't bother me at all.  I like to match them to my bras--adds to the pretty and confident feeling.

So that's the story of my underwear.

It's sunshiny today, but cold.  I'm tired of this cold weather.  It was warmer this past weekend, but very windy.  Then it got cold yesterday.  We should be in the 60s Friday, but then it's back to the 50s & 40s next week.  Gah!  I'm tired of my fall clothes & want to wear spring stuff.  At least we are closer to warm weather....I'm just impatient for it to get here.

I finally feel better.  Still have a cough, still have a bit of a raspy voice, but it's closer to normal and I can finally sing again.  It's very nasal, but I can get the high notes out.  I sing in the bathroom when I'm getting ready and sing in the car, and in the church choir. Hopefully by rehearsal Thursday I won't sound so nasaly.

New low - 150.2 - and general updates

I swear, 2 to 3 pounds up or down make a big difference in how I look & how my clothes fit.

I am feeling a bit better.  A lady at my church meeting last night told me to put Vic's vapo rub on my feet & wear socks while I sleep, and it would help my congestion/cough.  I woke up feeling less congested.  I still have the cough.  I will do it again tonight.  I've heard of this before but haven't done it until now.  Have any of you tried this?  Has to do with the reflexology points in your feet connecting to the rest of your body.

I had an acupuncture session yesterday.  It had been 3 weeks since my last session, and it was wonderful.  The more "out of balance" I am, the more it makes me feel relaxed & centered. 

I am weaning off wellbutrin.  I've been taking it for a couple years now and it's at the point where it's not only not helping, it's making me feel worse.  I've been here before.  I talked to my psych nurse practitioner last week about weaning off.  She has other patients who do this, too.  The idea is that I get it out of my system for a few months, and then when I can tell I need it again, I start again and it works like it should.  I wean off slowly.  Take it every other day for a couple of weeks, then every two days for a couple of weeks, then every three days, etc., until I can get down to taking nothing.  It's a good time of year to do this, since the sun and warm weather (and the ability to run more often) will go along way in keeping my depression away. 

I'm still taking lamictal, which keep my moods stable.  I take 75 mg in the morning.  I took 100 mg last summer and it caused panic attacks, so I have to keep it at 75.  The same panic attacks happened in 2009 when I took 300 mg wellbutrin.  Clearly there's a level of medication that my brain can't handle.  It's good to know those boundaries.

Sophie has strep throat.  She had her tonsils out in 2nd grade but she still gets strep occasionally.  She must be a carrier.  There's a strong strain going around--doctor told us at her appointment yesterday that last week they had 6 cases of strep in one afternoon.  A friend of hers has it.  Many kids out for strep at school.  She's on an antibiotic and is home again today.

Luke is getting glasses!  He's such a cutie in them.  He has different levels of far-sightedness in his eyes; one is extreme, which causes him to have depth perception problems.  No wonder he doesn't like baseball or pitch & catch.  He's excited to get them.  I will be interested to see what he has to say about what the world looks like with them on.

The weather is going to warm up tomorrow--thank heavens.  I am hoping to feel good enough to go for a run or two.  I'm toying with the idea of doing a half marathon on April 6th.  My main hesitation is that it is hilly, and while I do train on a hill or two, I mostly run on flat roads.  A friend in OA has run it and she said they aren't that bad.  Others I've talked to have said it's really hard.  Guess if I want to challenge myself I should run it.  I'll see how my training goes in the next few weeks and decide.  I love races and they keep me motivated to run.

So that's it for me.  I am glad to not feel exhausted and to see the sunshine today.  Hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Still coughing nonstop (152.2)

I felt pretty bad all weekend.  I have a horrible cough, still.  At night when I lay down it gets worse.  I didn't sleep well all weekend.  My abs are sore from coughing.  It's getting very tiresome.  I had no energy to workout, and haven't run since the race.  I want to, but can't. It sucks.

I ate comfort foods this weekend and it showed on the scale this morning.  No sugar foods but not great choices.  I also started my period Sunday, and was crampy, so one more reason (excuse) to comfort myself.

Yesterday was 5 months of abstinence. I'll get my 5 month chip tonight.

I didn't lose any weight this past 30 days.  I'm not surprised.  I didn't excercise much.  Travel food, while not sugar based, had a lot of sodium.  I also expect my body is leveled out right now.  To get the weight loss going again I will need to change up my diet and add weight training to my routine, which I can do now that I'm not training for a race.  I love weight training classes and can't wait to get back into them.

I have no idea where my weight will end up.  I want to get into the normal BMI range (149 is normal).  I'd like to get down to 145 at least.  Eventually I'd like to get a lot more weight off my lower half, which will take probably another 10 pounds (so down to 135).  Last time I was 135 was probably middle school. 

I'm not concerned about how long it takes.  I like the way I look and feel in clothes.  I can wear most of my size 8s & mediums from 2008.  I still don't like the belly fat and hip/butt fat.  Weights and more cardio will help get it off.  And I need to reduce my carb intake and up my veggie intake at night.

Other than feeling sick and frustrated with this cough and congestion, I'm doing fine.  I am SO over the cold weather.  It's a drag, too.  We are supposed to be in the 60s by Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully it's the start of warmer weather to come. March can be cold, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

Photos from the race (151.4)

I still have a terrible cough and squeaky voice.  It's been 8 days now.  I finish my z-pack (antibiotic) tonight.  Hopefully I'm on the down hill with this crud.  A lot of people around here have the same thing.

So I'm totally addicted to Disney races now.  I'm already saving for next year.  It was so much fun, and I can't wait to do it again.

Here are some photos.  I felt so good about how I looked this trip.  It was wonderful to be comfortable in clothes & in my own skin.  We bought matching tiaras in Germany at Epcot and wore them all weekend.

First thing we did after checking in at the hotel was go to Epcot.

Here I am at 3:45 AM in my tutu.  I ran the whole race in the tutu.  Didn't bother me at all.  I was Sleeping Beauty again this year. Next year I'm planning to be Alice in Wonderland.



At the expo, the day before the race for packet pickup, with the girls and Cinderella's footmen.  

At dinner with the girls, the afternoon of the race. (Amy is wearing her big tiara--she has three!)

About 6 miles into the race, we run through the castle.

Quick race/weekend report (152.2)

I have to pick up kids in about 10 minutes so this will be short.

I had a wonderful girls' weekend.  I did not have a great race.

I had a cold that started on Thursday which culminated in a teeth-chattering fever 3 hours before I had to get ready for the race. 

The race starts ridiculously early.  The last bus leaves the resorts at 4 am and we are to be in our corals by 5 am.  My coral crossed the start line at 6:10.  We wake up at 2:45 to be ready to leave the hotel at 3:30.  Insane, yes.  Fun, heck yes.

My fever hit at midnight.  I took 3 advil and prayed I'd be okay.  I was, but obviously not 100%.

That's not all that made the race crappy.  I registered for the race late, so even though I put a finishing time of 2:46 (you had to have proof of time from a previous race to get in an earlier coral), I ended up way back with the walkers. 

Last year there were ~18,000 people in the race.  Last year I was in coral D.  Last year, even though there were a lot of people, I was able to easily run the whole time without being blocked by slower people in front of me.

This year there were 26,000 people.  This year I was in coral F.  This year I spent the entire race--the ENTIRE race--weaving between people.  Not once did I have a clear path to just run.  It's frustrating and exhausting to run a race like that.  At mile 11, when it got congested again (path narrows many times when it's harder to dodge & weave), I just gave up and walked the last 2 miles.  I knew I'd finish, I didn't care about my time, and I was sick and tired. 

Even though the race was my worst experience ever, the experience was still fabulous.

And food was not an issue at all.  Not once.  I had no desire to eat sweets or over indulge.  I am SO THANKFUL that I was abstinent for this thing.  It made traveling easier, not harder.  I'm grateful that, even though I'll always be a food addict, I do not have to eat like that any more.

I started an antibiotic when I got home last night.  Called the doctor while I was still in Florida yesterday morning.  I have a horrible cough and congestion.  I am glad to be home.

Princess! (150.4)

I'm in the car, my friend Heather is driving, on the way to Indy to
catch a flight at noon for Orlando!

Sunday I'll run my 7th half marathon. As Princess Aurora. In a tutu.
Should be interesting!

I haven't trained like I should have. I had a good 10 mile run 2 weeks
ago, and I know I'll finish but I won't be fast. Which is totally
fine. It's going to be warm--65-70. I weigh 20 pounds less than I did
last year, so that should help. I am stopping this year to take pcs
with characters on the route. I didn't last year because I didn't want
to stop and wait.

We moved into our new office this week. It's so pretty. The walls of
our offices are blue. Hallways are blue grey. Floors are dark
bamboo--they are gorgeous. Trim is all white. Hallways are wide. Big
galley kitchen. Bathrooms are pretty. Big windows in the front. I have
a window, and new office furniture.

By Wednesday I was completely unpacked and had pictures on the wall. I
will take pics and post them in the next week or so.

I started getting a little sick yesterday. Had no voice when I woke
up. I felt ok until late afternoon and then started feeling pretty
rough. I'm on adrenaline right now so don't feel too bad but my voice
is squeaky. I'm hoping I feel a lot better by the race. Taking vitamin
c and drinking a lot of water.

This is the first time I've travelled while in OA. I talked with my
sponsor about it. She travels a lot and gave me plenty of tips and
ideas. I'm giving it to God and know it will be fine.

I feel so much better this year than last. I'm wearing smaller clothes
and am more comfortable in my skin. It's a nice place to be.

I'll report back next week.

Steady as she goes (152.0)

Life is plugging along. 

I ran 4 times last week, including 10 miles on Saturday.  My endurance isn't as good as I'd like for the race next weekend (omg, next weekend!!), but it's good enough.

Food is still OK.  I go to OA meetings every Monday night and talk to my sponsor and read my OA material.  It all keeps me abstinent.

The wedding Saturday night was wonderful.  It was very small, just family and a few close friends. I love weddings.  Love them.  So I was ready for a good night.  I wore a simple black dress (size 8 from my 2008 wardrobe), with black tights (regular waist tights, not high-waist spanx, and still no muffin top) and cute shoes, with my hair up in a twist. I felt confident and comfortable in my body and my clothes.  It was wonderful!

At the reception we sat with the couple's friends from Washington, DC, who all work for the FBI (the newlyweds work for the FBI).  Very interesting people, who of course told us nothing about what they do.

We danced & danced.  Dinner was easy--soup, salad, veggies, red potatoes (I had one), fish. I had absolutely no problem with the cake.  It doesn't even appeal to me anymore.

I think the dancing worked all the lactic acid out of my legs because I wasn't sore at all on Sunday after the 10 miles on Saturday. 

We are half way through February, the days are getting longer, the weather will be warmer soon, and in a little over a week I'm leaving for 4 days in Florida.  Things are pretty good right now.

"New" dresses (151.4)

So last night I was thinking of what I could wear to a wedding we are going to on Saturday.  I wear mostly black, grey, and blue clothes (seriously, my wardrobe needs a makeover) and nothing currently in my closet is festive enough to wear to a wedding in February. 

I remembered a dress from my skinny years that is pink and black, with an empire waist and deep-V neck and back.  It was in one of the "these clothes don't fit" underbed boxes in Luke's room.  I dragged out the box, found the dress, and tried it on.

It fits perfectly.  It's a size 8.  I haven't worn it in over 3 years. 

I have several other dresses that I didn't give away, all size 8s, so I tried them on too.  They all fit. 

Today I am wearing the brown dress that I remember looking at last year and thinking "my gosh, you were skinny when you wore that."

This weight loss has snuck up on me.  I am still carrying a lot of weight in my hips and legs--more so than I did when I was this weight the last time.  And I figured a lot of stuff wouldn't fit (my size 8 capris, for example, are still too tight--or at least they were a few pounds ago; I'll try them on again before I leave for Florida in a couple of weeks) .  My dresses are A-line and the hip area is forgiving; the top portions are fitted at the waist.  Stacy & Clinton would be OK with my dresses, ha.

I can also wear my size 8 brown wool coat.  I tried it on a few months ago and it was super tight.  It's dress length, fitted at the waist with 3 buttons, A-line shape.  It's not snug at all and looks great.

The first time I lost weight I was in the mall every time I lost a few pounds.  I watched my clothing sizes like a hawk and enjoyed getting the emotional "hit" when I bought clothes in a boutique store like The Loft or J.Jill. 

This time, I decided not to make this all about the clothes, to not spend the excess money, to only buy what I need to function during the week.  It has been fun, though, to go through my skinny clothes and have them start fitting.  Being this size and getting into clothes I love motivates me to keep in shape and watch my food.

But I am very aware that I need to be careful about how I react to the attention I might get from the now-noticeable weight loss.  That attention likely contributed to my derailing last time.  That can't happen again.  At least I am aware of it this time and have a therapist and a sponsor I can talk with.

For today I'll just enjoy my "new" clothes and be thankful.

Good riddance January. Hello February! (152.2)

The sun is shining and although it's very cold (15 degrees), I feel so much better in the sunshine and high pressure system.  I hate that my moods are so extraordinarily tied to pressure systems & sunshine.  But it is who I am so I have to work with it & enjoy the UP times as much as I can.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments to yesterday's post. You are right--I am burying feelings.  I haven't seriously examined what feelings I'm having when I turn to mindlessness.  My guess is.... anxiety, fear, helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, disappointment.  It would help to reflect and WRITE while I'm going through a period like that, so I can concretely identify the WHAT and WHY's.  And then devise a plan for next time. 

There will always be a next time.

I agree that I set myself up for an avalanche when I don't "just do it."  Wednesday was the perfect example.  I will learn from it, and the next time I don't wanna, I will remember it's easier to get it over with and not ruminate all night. 

It also helps to know that this is just my pattern in life.  January is my worst month of the year.  Whether it's a self-fulfilling prophecy or not, who knows.  Even though it was as tough month, I am thankful I didn't bury myself in food.  When I reflect on the month, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I was never in bed all day.  I didn't move through mud every day of the month.  I did run several times and did two long runs. I have been busy with the kids.  I have been busy at work.  I never put myself in a food coma.  I was a good mom.  My husband is very understanding when I go through periods like this, and he takes up the slack at home (he does laundry and cleans and does dishes, and is super supportive).

I realize I need to just get over my hatred of the TM. I don't know when I started disliking it so much. It's totally irrational. 3 miles takes me about 35 minutes on the road.  I almost always walk more on the TM, though, so it can take longer, probably because I watch TV instead of listening to music.  AHA! Listen to music on the TM.  Do intervals.  Push & challenge & get it over with more quickly.  That is how I've made the TM bearable in the past.  It's going to take some mental muscle to get past this.  I know I can do it.

Last night was another late one.  We got home around 8:10 pm.  We didn't go home between school and variety show rehearsal.  I took an apple, celery, and peanut butter (that I keep at work) with me to rehearsal and ate that at 5:30 pm. When I got home I had some of the couscous/veggie dinner from the night before, and three lavash crackers lightly spread with PB (prob a tsp total). I had hot tea & went to bed.  Not the couch.  I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

This morning we had a blessed two hour delay at school because we got some snow last night.  We all needed those extra two hours at home. 

We are closer to spring every day.  Two of my Facebook friends posted pics this week of daffodils blooming, which is nuts. But it brings me hope and reminds me that winter is almost behind me.

I am planning to run after work today.  Outside if it's not windy.  The roads are clear enough for me to run on, and I can avoid any icy patches if it's still light outside.  I love running when there is snow on the ground.  Hopefully Saturday morning I can run 9 miles before the variety show.  It's supposed to be windy Sunday afternoon, so I really don't want to wait until then.  I do not want to run 9 miles on the treadmill. I've done it before and it is not easy.

Today is 4 months in OA.  I will get my 4 month chip Monday.  I am down 3.2 pounds in the past 30 days.  Total of 23 pounds since starting the program in September.  The small losses each month add up quickly, because time moves so quickly.  My husband thinks I look great.  I feel great.  My size 10 pants are loose.  I can wear a pair of my old size 8 jeans (they are stretchy, though... I couldn't wear size 8 Levi's.  My size 10 Levi's are comfy and not at all tight).

In three weeks I leave for Orlando.  Now that is something to be excited about.