Vickie asked in a comment on a recent post: I understood you to say that LAST TIME everyone still sort of had everything to do with your weight loss and that was part of the problem. And this time NO ONE has anything to do with your weight loss and that is working. Is that accurate?
Since my reply was lengthy and, hopefully, insightful, I wanted to include it in a post.
That's a good question. The first time I guess I let other's reactions to my weight loss--whether positive or negative--influence the way I processed the loss. I was in a place where I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not eating what they offered. I was also concerned about what people would think about was on my plate (or wasn't on my plate). I would often feel bad about being thin around people close to me who weren't, while at the same time feel superior to them. I talked about my weight loss a lot more, too (because I was asked about it and didn't know it was better to NOT talk about it). I craved the praise and approval.
The external rewards/acknowledgment were important to me, and they aren't now. And the external (perceived) criticism messed with my head, and it doesn't now. And if/when it does, I talk to my sponsor or take a God break, and get focused on what's important again.
This time....I think approaching it from the direction of this is an ILLNESS (addiction), and I'm not on a diet, has made all the difference. I don't care what people think if I say no to food I can't eat. Because my health and my sanity are much more important than what anyone else thinks about me or about themselves. I don't need the compliments and I don't need to talk about my weight loss.
I like how I look, and I'm not comparing myself to others anymore. Sometimes comparison still slips in, but honestly I can look back at the weight gain in 2010-2011 and I'm just so thankful I am healthier and thinner now. I accept that this is the body I have, and it doesn't have to be perfect for me to be happy. That wasn't the case before. I was never happy with my body, no matter what size I was. I always wanted to be thinner & faster & better. Nothing was ever good enough. I'm working hard on eliminating that kind of thinking from my life.
This is just who I am now. I'm addicted to food, I can't eat what I can't eat, and the body I have now is the body I'm meant to have. The body I'm meant to have will continue to change over time, and I will accept it--the good, bad, and ugly.
And, it's not about ME. I am not doing this on my own. I truly believe I could not have made this shift in thinking without OA and without God's help. I have a lot more (very powerful) tools this time around than I did last time.
We had a good 3 day weekend. We didn't have anything on the schedule, so it was a family time with just us. We stopped doing Easter dinners with Mark's family when his sister moved to Indy a couple years ago (smaller family now, and Mark's cousin who always hosted decided she wanted Easter off, too). My mom had Easter dinner, but I didn't want to spend the whole day with my family. The food is always all white and yellow and brown, and frankly they can suck the energy out of me. Yesterday was our last day of spring break and I chose to guard our time together instead of trying to make anyone else happy. (This is not really new for me--I have never spent Easter with my family. Thankfully my mom is very understanding and doesn't make me feel guilty.)
After church on Easter we went to a Japanese hibachi restaurant, which we love b/c it is such fun. The food is heavy on salt and butter, though, and I paid for it with some digestive distress yesterday and I'm a little bloated this morning. I don't eat there often, and thankfully it didn't trigger any cravings. I read a book and watched "Lost" and had a lovely relaxing time at home. The kids & Mark did sidewalk chalk yesterday, which turned out to be a sunny and warmer afternoon. I'll have to post pics later of their art. Mark & Sophie are masters of sidewalk chalk.
The highlight of my weekend was a girls day I had with my friend Amy on Saturday. We met for lunch at 11, then went to the mall to shop at Sephora. And I got my ear pierced!
There's something about being in your 40s and wanting to "mark" it somehow. I know a ton of women who get tattoos when they turn 40 (my friend Kate--not niece Kate in Indy--has a tattoo on her upper inner arm of "I am half agony, half hope," a quote from her favorite book, Persuasion). I guess it's a right of passage, maybe. Or hormones. Or a desire to hang onto youth. Whatever reason, I have wanted a tattoo for several years now. But Mark hates them, and since it's important to me what my husband thinks of my body, I'm not getting one.
I still wanted something, though. So I decided to get my left ear pierced where my acupuncture pins usually go. Have I talked about those? Part of my treatment is getting little pins put into one ear in two places--one in the divot where my ear lobe meets the rest of my ear (which is a depression--I like to think of it as "happiness"--point), and the other in the cartilage just above the "c" curve of my inner ear (which is a centering point).
I love those pins. They look cool and I've had several compliments (and questions) on them. They usually stay in about 10 days. I wear my hair up a lot so my ears are exposed all the time. I wanted to get them permanently, not for treatment but for the symbolism of centering and happiness.
Indiana won't allow jewelry stores to pierce cartilage--I have to go to a tattoo shop for that (irony of ironies). So I just have the happiness spot pierced right now, with a 3 mm silver ball. When I can change into a regular earring, I will get a smaller ball. I'll get the cartilage pierced soon.
I can still get the pins in my right ear, when I need them.
After the mall, Amy and I got pedicures. We spent five hours together and it was refreshing and recharging. I love talking with that girl. We are kindred spirits.
The knee is better but not 100% yet. Still no running or workouts. I'm using KT tape on it for stability and to keep the swelling down. I'm hopeful a couple weeks rest will be enough. If I injure it again, I'll have to go to PT.
I am officially DONE with black tights, socks, and boots. I don't give a flying fig that it's in the 40s today. It's April, for crying out loud. I'm wearing a skirt and sandals with bare legs today (with a cream sweater, so I'm not being stupid about the cold, just a little rebellious). Who cares if it's cold? I can't take the winter clothes anymore.