I think it's time for me to go see my therapist again.
This past week has been difficult. I'm beating myself up for not exercising enough and not eating "perfectly." I have more and more days where I'm not satisified with my weight or the way I look. I'm getting trapped in the loop of "if only I'd lose another 10 (or 20) pounds, I'd be where I want to be." I'm upset that I'm two pounds heavier than my low weight this year. Two pounds! And I feel like a failure.
Food thoughts are taking up too much space in my brain. Cravings for things I can't eat. Eating foods that are borderline not okay--Zone bars and Luna bars are my "treat" and I'm eating too many of them, especially when I'm hormonal (like this weekend).
I know that eating processed foods are causing this, too--it's not just mental sabotage. It's food addiction.
I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, like I could go over if don't reverse course now.
It's old thinking, creeping back in. My thoughts are moving in the old patterns, trying to fix the food instead of working on my insides and the WHY's of what I'm doing. Fix the food, as in....I will only drink smoothies today, and that will get me back on track. I won't eat anything after 6 pm today. I'll get back on track on Monday. Of course, this strategy fails every time.
This is not where I want to be. I am stuck in a loop.
The body image thing is coming up because of my inner turmoil, I think. Friday was our office open house, and I wore a new outfit I bought the week before. Size small top and size 8 pants. I felt good about how I looked in the morning, but I saw myself reflected in a window in the office and thought, geez I need to lose 10 more pounds, and then I didn't feel so great about myself the rest of the day.
A big part of me is happy about how I look. 25 pounds lost since last September, and I'm not miserable by any means. I can wear everything in my closet. Clothes shopping isn't a chore; it's fun. I don't feel like a total failure.
It's just that the "not good enough" thoughts are bigger than the "I'm okay the way I am" thoughts.
Rationally, I know the size I am now (my dress pants are mostly size 10s, some 8s, dresses size 8s, tops size smalls/mediums) is a good size for my body. Irrationally, I'm back to the thinking "I need to be a size 6 and THEN I'll be happy."
I'm stuck in the "if only's." The "if only's" are getting bigger.
I've been here before and recognize that it's a path to failure if I don't work on it.
I have tools to deal with this, through my OA program. But I think it's bigger than that and I need my therapist's help.
I realize, of course, that to anyone who has a lot of weight to lose, I sound like an ass. "I mean, really, 10 pounds? You're upset about 10 pounds? You're not happy being a size 8? Oh you poor thing (not)."
The thing is, I'm still a fat girl on the inside. The fat girl is insecure. The fat girl doesn't trust the weight loss to stick. The fat girl on the inside is terrified that she'll turn the thin girl back into a fat girl on the outside...again. The fat girl doesn't think she deserves to be thin. Fat girl needs a lot of help.