Monday, April 29, 2013

Old issues resurfacing (150.4)

I think it's time for me to go see my therapist again.

This past week has been difficult.  I'm beating myself up for not exercising enough and not eating "perfectly."  I have more and more days where I'm not satisified with my weight or the way I look.  I'm getting trapped in the loop of "if only I'd lose another 10 (or 20) pounds, I'd be where I want to be." I'm upset that I'm two pounds heavier than my low weight this year.  Two pounds! And I feel like a failure.

Food thoughts are taking up too much space in my brain.  Cravings for things I can't eat.  Eating foods that are borderline not okay--Zone bars and Luna bars are my "treat" and I'm eating too many of them, especially when I'm hormonal (like this weekend). 

I know that eating processed foods are causing this, too--it's not just mental sabotage.  It's food addiction.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, like I could go over if don't reverse course now. 

It's old thinking, creeping back in.  My thoughts are moving in the old patterns, trying to fix the food instead of working on my insides and the WHY's of what I'm doing.  Fix the food, as in....I will only drink smoothies today, and that will get me back on track.  I won't eat anything after 6 pm today.  I'll get back on track on Monday.  Of course, this strategy fails every time.

This is not where I want to be.  I am stuck in a loop.

The body image thing is coming up because of my inner turmoil, I think.  Friday was our office open house, and I wore a new outfit I bought the week before.  Size small top and size 8 pants.  I felt good about how I looked in the morning,  but I saw myself reflected in a window in the office and thought, geez I need to lose 10 more pounds, and then I didn't feel so great about myself the rest of the day. 

A big part of me is happy about how I look.  25 pounds lost since last September, and I'm not miserable by any means.  I can wear everything in my closet.  Clothes shopping isn't a chore; it's fun. I don't feel like a total failure. 

It's just that the "not good enough" thoughts are bigger than the "I'm okay the way I am" thoughts.

Rationally, I know the size I am now (my dress pants are mostly size 10s, some 8s, dresses size 8s, tops size smalls/mediums) is a good size for my body.  Irrationally, I'm back to the thinking "I need to be a size 6 and THEN I'll be happy."

I'm stuck in the "if only's." The "if only's" are getting bigger.

I've been here before and recognize that it's a path to failure if I don't work on it. 

I have tools to deal with this, through my OA program.  But I think it's bigger than that and I need my therapist's help. 

I realize, of course, that to anyone who has a lot of weight to lose, I sound like an ass.  "I mean, really, 10 pounds?  You're upset about 10 pounds?  You're not happy being a size 8?  Oh you poor thing (not)." 

The thing is, I'm still a fat girl on the inside. The fat girl is insecure.  The fat girl doesn't trust the weight loss to stick. The fat girl on the inside is terrified that she'll turn the thin girl back into a fat girl on the outside...again.  The fat girl doesn't think she deserves to be thin.  Fat girl needs a lot of help.


Vickie said...

I think anything you consider to be a treat should GO.

Food is not a treat. (Don't raise your kids to think food is a treat either.)

the fact that you think of these things as a treat is a red flag.

I am not saying you should eat things you do not like, but my personal opinion is that if it is a party in your mouth, or you are reaching for it, spells trouble.

the 'taste' of the treat is probably why you are thinking about other off limit foods.

Processed will do that to you.

Even some whole foods will do that to you.

Vickie said...

Any time anyone even has a fleeting thought about a therapist, I think they should go.

I think most people need one and need to continue with one.

The work does not end once the scale starts going down. The work does not even end when one gets to goal.

I have been at my lower weight since 2009 and my most important therapy work happened AFTER that. 2010 and 2011 especially.

It might be that we do not go as often but I think we still need to stay in touch with our therapist regularly.

Laura N said...

I agree 100% on all counts.

Laura N said...

And I can see how moving into this phase of my OA work is the most important. I got rid of the obvious triggers and now the not so obvious ones are revealing themselves. Plus, I'll be doing my 4th step work soon, which most feel is key to success in OA.

jen said...

I think the "if only I were smaller" thing is a sense that if you get to some magical weight/size, all your problems will disappear. I'm going to be reviewing Jen Larsen's _Stranger Here_ soon, but I think it would speak to you.

Vickie said...

It might be that you need to get the weight off to be happy. I did. But I was under no illusions that ALL I needed to do was get the extra weight off and all would be okay. I had other things, a lot of other things, that I needed to fix at the same time.

But I lost the weight in a healthy, good for me way.

I was always working toward positive.

I was always learning to make healthier food choices.

I was always exercising for health (because just exercise is not going to get the weight off anyway - it is food choices that drop the pounds mostly).

And my mind goes to the thing where one's thoughts and one's actions HAVE to match or we are really unhappy.

Either the actions have to match what we are thinking. Or we have to change our thinking to match what we are actually doing (or not doing).

If you think about that - you can see a lot of justification, denial all over weight loss blog land.

Laura N said...

And my mind goes to the thing where one's thoughts and one's actions HAVE to match or we are really unhappy.

Either the actions have to match what we are thinking. Or we have to change our thinking to match what we are actually doing (or not doing).

Laura N said...

Thanks, Jen. I'll look forward to your review.

Vickie said...

I hope Jen's review talks about how much therapy Jen Larson had before, during and after her weight loss surgery. Therapy has not been mentioned in any of the interviews I have read. It makes me cringe. Hopefully it has just gotten missed in the interviews. If she did not have any, I hope no one vulnerable is reading that book . . .

jen said...

The review is up, looking forward to your comments.