Thursday, September 25, 2008

148.8 - Food to the rescue? Not today

Sophie woke up this morning feeling dizzy. At first I thought it was just that she got up too fast. But after she finished breakfast and was getting ready to get on the bus, the dizziness hit again. I've made her go to school before when she felt like that, and it was a disaster--she cried on the bus, cried in the office at school, and felt sick the whole time until I'd picked her up. So I kept her home and brought her to work with me.

Thankfully by around 9:30 a.m., she was mostly okay. And a couple hours later, she is walking around, playing, and doesn't have any dizziness at all. I am not sending her to school when there is only 2 hours left (too disruptive to everyone), and I'm keeping my fingers & toes crossed she's OK for tomorrow.

The ironic thing is, just yesterday I was bragging over email to my girlfriend & Sophie's godmother LeAnne, that Sophie seemed all better, that we have only had a couple episodes this year and the last one in May was a one day event. I'd said I thought we could be out of the woods on the whole dizziness thing. That they might be over & done with.

Isn't that always when you get a big wake up call? When you feel overconfident? It's happened more than once in my life, to be sure.

And so it is with my diet, too. Let me first say I am on plan, and aside from the bit of cool whip free I had with my sf jello last night (which is allowed, but the cool whip is not), I have been spot on. And I've been feeling pretty cocky about it.

But this morning, even before Sophie's dizziness hit, I had thoughts racing through my head--do I really have to eat tuna again today? Salad again? Eggs again? (didn't do eggs, though--had grits w/protein powder instead) Why do I have to spend 15 minutes getting all my food prepped for the day, every day? It's not fair. I just want to go to a restaurant for lunch. I just want to eat like a normal person. I just want a bagel and coffee with cream and sugar. I want I want I want.

And then this thing with Sophie happened again. After I figured out it was not a passing spell and she was indeed not going to school, I got her settled down in the family room to rest, and I collapsed on my bedroom floor in tears. It was just more than I could bear at that moment.

I didn't wallow long, maybe 3 or 4 minutes. Then I picked myself up and got the rest of the way ready for work.

And then it hit me that my first impulse to cope did not involve the desire to face plant into a bag of donuts. It wasn't food I thought of to soothe my ache. I was aching, and I was craving relief, but food did not pop into my head as my first line of defense. Prayer did. Half a xanax did (better living through chemicals!). And taking some deep breaths and realizing it was not a big deal if she missed one day of school, that I am so lucky to be able to bring her to work with me, and that no matter what, things would eventually be okay.

I have a feeling that there are going to be more days like this in the near future, where I'm going to feel overwhelmed with grief or stress or whatever is the emotion du jour. And each day I don't depend on food to rescue me, is one more day of strength.

One more day. One more day. One more day.


MCM Mama said...

Glad Sophie is doing ok now.

Good job on not turning to food. I'm quite impressed (especially since I've been fighting a food binge all day...) Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

Wow, Laura, I've only been gone 3 days, but what an eventful 3 days for you! Congrats on the race, the pics of you and family are fantastic, and I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers! It is good to hear you are doing well, in spite of wanting to do otherwise...most days now I don't even think about resenting the time it takes me to prepare my food for my work day. It is just a matter of fact. But it sure was a long time coming.

Vickie said...

I wondered if you were going to have a Sophie dizzy day - because up here - I have been having the dizzy thing too. I cannot bend over backwards without having the room 'swim'. My last trouble was last spring - allergy season then too. For me - I am just sure it is something about the fluid - too much, too thick, everything swollen, something like that. I have not been able to bend backwards over my exercise ball in two weeks (sets it off something fierce) and when I get up - I have to roll to my right side - stay in fetal position and then come up very slowly with my head being the last thing up. I am still on my 4 allergy meds a day. Asthma MUCH better. Did not use my inhaler today and did fine with class and walk.

Vickie said...

you are SO fortunate to be able to take her to work with you!!!

Cindy...154 said...

I am so glad you got through your moment. I think the crying is a really good thing if it comes. I like how you had several other things you did and food was not a response. Isn't it great? I have had the thoughts, eggs again? Tuna again? Just now it was Broccoli again? So I just thought of different things to do with the broccoli. It is worth it to me even if I have to have a somewhat repetitive diet for a while. I just used a cup of hot tea - black cherry berry to stave off a sweets craving. Fruity tea is great for that. My daughter has had dizziness off and on since the beginning of middle school. Very rare now. She has had bouts with other things and misses school more than we like. I have to have acceptance about it otherwise I get all uptight and negative. Thanks for posting about it.

MizFit said...

really great job on not turning to food...and for the wallowing as well!
IMO if we dont embrace the sadness we can not move onward through it.

I got up this morning and wrote about that for a post tomorrow and I never post on saturdays!

xo xo,


Jill said...

I was just thinking the other day about Sophie and wondering how she was doing - so maybe it was me and not you that brought it on!!

I always know that my emotional/mental state is off balance if I haven't had a good cry in a while. There is nothing more therapeutic than a big ol' sob-fest.

And yeah, whenever I'm feeling particularly cocky about something, that's when God takes the opportunity to let me know I'm getting too big for my britches (as my grandma used to say). Except in my case it usually involves me tripping over something, or making a fool of myself in some way!

I think you have made a turning point in your relationship with food - now you know it's not going to change your problems, so why bother?

Excellent post - not so excellent the circumstances from which it came, but still a very inspiring post.