Just a quick note to let you all know I'm alive & doing OK. Dad's still the same--declining very slowly, but still declining.
On the diet front, I started taking Alli to go along with the phentermine (which I had to go to a new doctor in town for because the old place got shut down for some reason--probably because they give out meds WAY too freely. I was never once weighed or had my BP taken after that first visit, which is ridiculous. But I digress). Only been taking it 2 days & only taking 2 pills with lunch. The new doc prescribed Xenical, which is the 120 mg Rx version of Alli. Two Alli are much cheaper than one Xenical. I've not had any problems yet. It has made me rethink my food choice a ton over the past couple of days. I don't eat high fat foods because I'm afraid of what will happen. THAT's why this drug works. Mark said it's the Anabuse for dieters.
On the exercise front, I did 45 minutes on the treadmill yesterday, but that was the first time I'd worked out in almost 2 weeks (I think...kinda lost track. I haven't kept track on my handy dandy Excel sheet for a couple of months). I think our treadmill isn't calibrated correctly. I know I'm walking or running faster than it says I am. I've been doing this for almost 3 years, I think I know what 3.5 MPH feels like. And 3.5 feels like 4.0. 5.0 is a fast jog for me on our treadmill, and that speed is usually a piece of cake. It's not that I'm just out of shape, either. I know how hard my legs work when I'm going certain speeds. Anyway, it's just not right. We are supposed to get a new console because the first one has some issues. I'm going to ask the tech about recalibrating it. Anybody have experience with this on your treadmills? Or am I deluding myself?
Family is good for the most part. Luke gets cuter and funnier every day. Mark is doing well; going to Colorado this weekend to see his brother. Sophie's been dizzy the past few days, off & on. Today she had a massive attack. I had to give her Maxalt, an anti-migraine med, for the first time. It worked. Her dizzy spells are becoming more migraine like. She had a big attack the morning after we had some Dutch ice cream from Target. I didn't realize it had dark chocolate in it--I just thought it was really good! I get migraines for the teeniest bit of dark chocolate, & that same morning I had a horrible migraine. She was so bad she threw up. So, we've at least established she has food triggers. I'm watching to see what else can be setting her off. Unfortunately it's going to be trial & error.
So that's it. Nothing new, it's the status quo. I'm just thankful things are as good as they are right now.
Although if we don't get a break in the weather soon, I think I'm going to pack up the family & escape to Florida. This has been the longest winter ever. But, thanks to calcium & fish oil, no SAD for me this year. Woohoo!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Happy Day
Today is Sophie's talent show. She just finished her 1 p.m. performance, and I am on the laptop while she's talking with her friends, waiting for the finale (all the kids go back out to the stage for the finale). She has one more show at 4:30, which is when all the family is coming to see her. We have 17 people! And that doesn't include Mark, who is chaperoning her during the 2nd performance.
She aced her song. She sang Starry Starry Night. She was perfect.
I didn't expect my Dad to still be with us now. I didn't think he'd get to see her sing. But he will.
He's coming at 4:30. My mom & her husband are bringing him. Amazing how life works out.
There won't be a dry eye in row F, section B, around 4:40 p.m. today.
****
In body issue news. I am still weighing in between 151 - 152. I had to buy new jeans yesterday because my 12s were too big & my Old Navy 8s fit but are too low waisted now (my belly is more poochy because my muscles are weaker. I got at 2 pairs of size 8s and 1 pair of 10s. That made me feel good. Did 35 minutes on the treadmill this morning, but that's the first exercise I've had in 2 weeks. At least it's a start.
If you're snowed in-- take comfort in the fact that March is not far away. And hang in there!
She aced her song. She sang Starry Starry Night. She was perfect.
I didn't expect my Dad to still be with us now. I didn't think he'd get to see her sing. But he will.
He's coming at 4:30. My mom & her husband are bringing him. Amazing how life works out.
There won't be a dry eye in row F, section B, around 4:40 p.m. today.
****
In body issue news. I am still weighing in between 151 - 152. I had to buy new jeans yesterday because my 12s were too big & my Old Navy 8s fit but are too low waisted now (my belly is more poochy because my muscles are weaker. I got at 2 pairs of size 8s and 1 pair of 10s. That made me feel good. Did 35 minutes on the treadmill this morning, but that's the first exercise I've had in 2 weeks. At least it's a start.
If you're snowed in-- take comfort in the fact that March is not far away. And hang in there!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
My Dad
It doesn't seem like it's been over two weeks since I last posted. My days and weeks are so filled, they are flying by. Yet, in some ways it feels like time is moving slowly. Makes no sense, does it? I think it's because my days are packed solid, but they are not my own anymore.
I work, I take care of kids, I take care of household stuff (the best I can anyway), and I take care of my dad. I finally ran/walked yesterday for 30 minutes (I have lost so much strength and endurance and can barely run 5 minutes at a time now), but it had been 8 days since my last short run. We did get a treadmill a couple weeks ago, which is awesome. I've only used it twice, but at least it's there. I wouldn't have gotten in 30 minutes yesterday without it.
My weight is holding steady at 152-ish pounds. I am squishy and definitely not ready for spring clothing, but at least I'm not bursting my seams any longer.
I had strep throat last week & was completely down for one whole day. Thank God for antibiotics. I was back at it in about 36 hours.
My dad takes up a lot of my time now, at least 2 days a week when I'm staying with him (including Saturdays). And I spend at least two to three hours a day on phone calls or paperwork for him. He's been approved for one of the highest VA benefit levels (as of Monday) and we are getting a lot of help from the VA (finally--we applied in September). We are so blessed that we can take care of him without having to worry about how to pay for it. My sister has exhausted her FMLA and is now on personal leave from her job with Toyota. Since my Dad worked at Toyota, too, they are very accommodating to my sister.
He continues to decline, but slowly. He can barely lift himself from his wheelchair now. He insists on getting himself off his chair & onto the toilet (which is a slow, painful, difficult process), because he has a little strength left, but that's not going to last much longer. He already has a catheter, though, so his bathroom trips are usually only once a day. We are getting a power Hoyer lift from the VA soon so we can lift him when he can't any longer. He can't feed himself. He can still swallow food but liquids and pills are getting to be impossible. He's now on liquid lortab & my sister is opening his capsules and giving to him with food. It won't be long before he's on a feeding tube.
We are getting a hospital bed from the VA on Friday & it is going in the family room. Dad won't like it. He doesn't even sleep in a bed. He spends all of his time in his scooter wheelchair. Literally, almost 24 hours a day in that chair. Thankfully he is getting a real wheelchair in a couple weeks from the VA. This one will recline so he can put his feet up. His body is horribly swollen even though he's on two water pills, and his belly is distended (he was already a big guy, but 4 -5 months of not using his muscles is taking it's toll).
He needs care 24/7. We do not have anyone but family caring for him. My sister stays with him, my cousin and two uncles stay with him, my sister's best friend helps out, I stay with him, even my mom and her husband are spending time there when one of us can't. But it's getting hard to keep all the hours covered. I can feel the tension when people feel like they are spending too much time there. It's really hard. My dad is so stubborn, he doesn't even want a stranger (as in, a VA-paid-for Visiting Nurse person) to come help out 3 hours a day to cook and clean, even with my sister there with him. There is one visiting nurse girl that went to school with my sister who can come twice a week, but my dad doesn't want anyone else but her. So for now, we have to give up 3 days a week of help. My sister "handles" my dad and she has to bear the brunt of his displeasure, so if she says it's OK then she just gets 2 days a week. Personally it ticks me off that he can't be flexible, but he has nothing left--literally, can do nothing himself any longer--so him exerting his will is all he's got left, I guess.
His speech is also almost completely gone. When he's not tired he is easier to understand. But last weekend when I was leaving around 7 p.m., I couldn't make out anything. It's extremely frustrating for everyone. He has a talking computer with a keyboard on loan from the MDA, and he can type with a pencil slowly, but he won't use it. I don't understand his choices. We are waiting to see if he is going to get a communication device with eye-gaze speech, but they are very expensive and we don't know if medicare or his insurance or the VA will pay for it. Who knows if he'll even use it.
It's very hard. It hit me the other day the kinds of things I used to worry about and spend my time on before Dad got ALS. A lot of it seems silly now. Some things, like running and training for races, I miss terribly. I know this is temporary, and I know that I will not regret spending time with and for my Dad after this is all over. It still doesn't make life any easier right now. Thankfully my husband is supportive. My mom is amazing. My sister is a saint. And my Dad's brothers are there for him like they've never been before.
I think we are all in mourning now, before he's even gone. It's unbelievably hard to watch someone go through this. And sadly, it's just going to get harder.
I work, I take care of kids, I take care of household stuff (the best I can anyway), and I take care of my dad. I finally ran/walked yesterday for 30 minutes (I have lost so much strength and endurance and can barely run 5 minutes at a time now), but it had been 8 days since my last short run. We did get a treadmill a couple weeks ago, which is awesome. I've only used it twice, but at least it's there. I wouldn't have gotten in 30 minutes yesterday without it.
My weight is holding steady at 152-ish pounds. I am squishy and definitely not ready for spring clothing, but at least I'm not bursting my seams any longer.
I had strep throat last week & was completely down for one whole day. Thank God for antibiotics. I was back at it in about 36 hours.
My dad takes up a lot of my time now, at least 2 days a week when I'm staying with him (including Saturdays). And I spend at least two to three hours a day on phone calls or paperwork for him. He's been approved for one of the highest VA benefit levels (as of Monday) and we are getting a lot of help from the VA (finally--we applied in September). We are so blessed that we can take care of him without having to worry about how to pay for it. My sister has exhausted her FMLA and is now on personal leave from her job with Toyota. Since my Dad worked at Toyota, too, they are very accommodating to my sister.
He continues to decline, but slowly. He can barely lift himself from his wheelchair now. He insists on getting himself off his chair & onto the toilet (which is a slow, painful, difficult process), because he has a little strength left, but that's not going to last much longer. He already has a catheter, though, so his bathroom trips are usually only once a day. We are getting a power Hoyer lift from the VA soon so we can lift him when he can't any longer. He can't feed himself. He can still swallow food but liquids and pills are getting to be impossible. He's now on liquid lortab & my sister is opening his capsules and giving to him with food. It won't be long before he's on a feeding tube.
We are getting a hospital bed from the VA on Friday & it is going in the family room. Dad won't like it. He doesn't even sleep in a bed. He spends all of his time in his scooter wheelchair. Literally, almost 24 hours a day in that chair. Thankfully he is getting a real wheelchair in a couple weeks from the VA. This one will recline so he can put his feet up. His body is horribly swollen even though he's on two water pills, and his belly is distended (he was already a big guy, but 4 -5 months of not using his muscles is taking it's toll).
He needs care 24/7. We do not have anyone but family caring for him. My sister stays with him, my cousin and two uncles stay with him, my sister's best friend helps out, I stay with him, even my mom and her husband are spending time there when one of us can't. But it's getting hard to keep all the hours covered. I can feel the tension when people feel like they are spending too much time there. It's really hard. My dad is so stubborn, he doesn't even want a stranger (as in, a VA-paid-for Visiting Nurse person) to come help out 3 hours a day to cook and clean, even with my sister there with him. There is one visiting nurse girl that went to school with my sister who can come twice a week, but my dad doesn't want anyone else but her. So for now, we have to give up 3 days a week of help. My sister "handles" my dad and she has to bear the brunt of his displeasure, so if she says it's OK then she just gets 2 days a week. Personally it ticks me off that he can't be flexible, but he has nothing left--literally, can do nothing himself any longer--so him exerting his will is all he's got left, I guess.
His speech is also almost completely gone. When he's not tired he is easier to understand. But last weekend when I was leaving around 7 p.m., I couldn't make out anything. It's extremely frustrating for everyone. He has a talking computer with a keyboard on loan from the MDA, and he can type with a pencil slowly, but he won't use it. I don't understand his choices. We are waiting to see if he is going to get a communication device with eye-gaze speech, but they are very expensive and we don't know if medicare or his insurance or the VA will pay for it. Who knows if he'll even use it.
It's very hard. It hit me the other day the kinds of things I used to worry about and spend my time on before Dad got ALS. A lot of it seems silly now. Some things, like running and training for races, I miss terribly. I know this is temporary, and I know that I will not regret spending time with and for my Dad after this is all over. It still doesn't make life any easier right now. Thankfully my husband is supportive. My mom is amazing. My sister is a saint. And my Dad's brothers are there for him like they've never been before.
I think we are all in mourning now, before he's even gone. It's unbelievably hard to watch someone go through this. And sadly, it's just going to get harder.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Good news, bad news
The good news is I weighed 152.0 yesterday. My clothes fit much better and I feel better about my body. I'm still squishy--I need to lift weights again--but at least the squishy stuff takes up less space. More good news--we bought a treadmill & it should be here next week.
The bad news is my life is getting more insane, not less. I am going to my Dad's on Thursdays & Saturdays now to take care of him. Mark has agreed to let me miss work on Thursdays & he will be studying and working on Saturdays & my mom will keep the kids.
What the Saturday thing means is this--I have to cancel the marathon in April. I can't run for hours & hours on a Saturday morning & still go to my dad's to take care of him. It's just not possible. Plus, Dad will either be in really horrible shape in April, or he will have recently passed away. There's no way I can deal with that emotionally, and my family (the ones who are helping with my dad) can't support me in a race that took time away from my responsibilities. So it's off.
I'll still run the half marathon on 4/11/10, because after running four halfs I know I can train for 13.1 miles without too much trouble. And I'll either run Chicago in October or wait until next April & run Evansville's 2nd marathon (assuming they do it again).
I was really upset last Friday when I committed to staying with Dad every Saturday & realized what that meant to my plans. It's a big dream, celebrating my 40th birthday with a marathon run. But it can wait. I got over being upset pretty quickly.
Seeing my Dad barely able to lift himself out of a chair puts things in perspective. I'm damn lucky to be able to run at all.
The bad news is my life is getting more insane, not less. I am going to my Dad's on Thursdays & Saturdays now to take care of him. Mark has agreed to let me miss work on Thursdays & he will be studying and working on Saturdays & my mom will keep the kids.
What the Saturday thing means is this--I have to cancel the marathon in April. I can't run for hours & hours on a Saturday morning & still go to my dad's to take care of him. It's just not possible. Plus, Dad will either be in really horrible shape in April, or he will have recently passed away. There's no way I can deal with that emotionally, and my family (the ones who are helping with my dad) can't support me in a race that took time away from my responsibilities. So it's off.
I'll still run the half marathon on 4/11/10, because after running four halfs I know I can train for 13.1 miles without too much trouble. And I'll either run Chicago in October or wait until next April & run Evansville's 2nd marathon (assuming they do it again).
I was really upset last Friday when I committed to staying with Dad every Saturday & realized what that meant to my plans. It's a big dream, celebrating my 40th birthday with a marathon run. But it can wait. I got over being upset pretty quickly.
Seeing my Dad barely able to lift himself out of a chair puts things in perspective. I'm damn lucky to be able to run at all.
Monday, January 04, 2010
Thankful in 2010
Even though my life is crazy right now, I've got a lot to be thankful for as we start a new year.
And if I had more time, I'd list them all right now. But, since I'm sneaking in a post between getting the kids to bed & preparing a client review for a meeting tomorrow, I'll name just a few.
I'm thankful I have my health. Seriously. There are so many people around me who are seriously ill, it's a miracle to me that I am healthy and can even run.
I'm thankful for my husband and children. Mark has worked a miracle this year, working hard and keeping us in business during one of the worst stock markets ever. He also made all A's in his college courses. He's just two classes away from finishing his degree.
My children are, without a doubt, the best thing that have ever happened to me & my husband. Sophie is astonishingly talented and beautiful (not that I'm prejudiced or anything) and is doing well in school. Her dizzy spells are gone but they are manageable and she's missed only a handful of days of school this year because of them. She was accepted to sing a solo in her school's variety show; kids have to audition if they want a solo because so few solos are allowed. The theme is "{School's Name} is Out of This World" with songs around stars, sky, moon, etc. She is singing Don McLean's "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)," which is significant because Mark loves Van Gogh, Sophie painted a copy of Starry Starry Night for Mark when she was 6 years old, and Sophie is an artist in her own right. She has a great voice. I'm so excited for her. Luke is full of energy and life, is more clever than any 4 year old has a right to be, and keeps me on my toes as a mother. He is the most loving little boy I've ever met, and is rough and tumble and is always ready for fun.
I'm thankful that I am not experiencing the horrible Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms from last year. This is a HUGE deal. I am almost paralyzed every year by SAD. This year, I think the difference is because I'm taking calcium every day (600 mg day & night), taking fish oil capsules twice a day, and I'm using my SAD light on a regular basis. I'm also running outside more than I have in past winters.
It doesn't hurt that I'm down to 153.6 too. Fitting into my clothes and feeling better about my body always helps my state of mind. Not drowning my emotions in food (thanks in no small part to the Adipex I started a little over a month ago) helps a lot.
Not running enough miles to be trained well for the marathon in April, but running enough to stay in the running, so to speak. We just bought a treadmill today. Woohoo! I ran Saturday in 20 degree weather with about a 10 degree windchill for 6.25 miles. It was supposed to be 10, but my face & hands weren't protected well enough so I had to cut it short. Cold weather running I can handle; frigid weather running I wasn't prepared for. Gotta research some good gear.
Hope you are having a happy new year!
And if I had more time, I'd list them all right now. But, since I'm sneaking in a post between getting the kids to bed & preparing a client review for a meeting tomorrow, I'll name just a few.
I'm thankful I have my health. Seriously. There are so many people around me who are seriously ill, it's a miracle to me that I am healthy and can even run.
I'm thankful for my husband and children. Mark has worked a miracle this year, working hard and keeping us in business during one of the worst stock markets ever. He also made all A's in his college courses. He's just two classes away from finishing his degree.
My children are, without a doubt, the best thing that have ever happened to me & my husband. Sophie is astonishingly talented and beautiful (not that I'm prejudiced or anything) and is doing well in school. Her dizzy spells are gone but they are manageable and she's missed only a handful of days of school this year because of them. She was accepted to sing a solo in her school's variety show; kids have to audition if they want a solo because so few solos are allowed. The theme is "{School's Name} is Out of This World" with songs around stars, sky, moon, etc. She is singing Don McLean's "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)," which is significant because Mark loves Van Gogh, Sophie painted a copy of Starry Starry Night for Mark when she was 6 years old, and Sophie is an artist in her own right. She has a great voice. I'm so excited for her. Luke is full of energy and life, is more clever than any 4 year old has a right to be, and keeps me on my toes as a mother. He is the most loving little boy I've ever met, and is rough and tumble and is always ready for fun.
I'm thankful that I am not experiencing the horrible Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms from last year. This is a HUGE deal. I am almost paralyzed every year by SAD. This year, I think the difference is because I'm taking calcium every day (600 mg day & night), taking fish oil capsules twice a day, and I'm using my SAD light on a regular basis. I'm also running outside more than I have in past winters.
It doesn't hurt that I'm down to 153.6 too. Fitting into my clothes and feeling better about my body always helps my state of mind. Not drowning my emotions in food (thanks in no small part to the Adipex I started a little over a month ago) helps a lot.
Not running enough miles to be trained well for the marathon in April, but running enough to stay in the running, so to speak. We just bought a treadmill today. Woohoo! I ran Saturday in 20 degree weather with about a 10 degree windchill for 6.25 miles. It was supposed to be 10, but my face & hands weren't protected well enough so I had to cut it short. Cold weather running I can handle; frigid weather running I wasn't prepared for. Gotta research some good gear.
Hope you are having a happy new year!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas!
I hope you all have a blessed & peaceful Christmas! Thank you for all your support this year. It has meant so much to me.
Last week I reached 154.8, which I haven't weighed in ages. I can wear my 10s comfortably & I just feel more comfortable in my skin.
My running has not been what it needs to be, though. I have only run once this week, & have an 8 mile group training run tomorrow. I'm going to run 3 miles today, hopefully. So the running thing needs to get better pronto because the mileage for marathon training is already increasing, and April 11th is quickly approaching. I'm hoping now that Christmas is here I'll have more time soon.
New Year's Resolutions (which I don't usually do but might this year) are just around the corner.
Hope you have a great holiday with your families!
Last week I reached 154.8, which I haven't weighed in ages. I can wear my 10s comfortably & I just feel more comfortable in my skin.
My running has not been what it needs to be, though. I have only run once this week, & have an 8 mile group training run tomorrow. I'm going to run 3 miles today, hopefully. So the running thing needs to get better pronto because the mileage for marathon training is already increasing, and April 11th is quickly approaching. I'm hoping now that Christmas is here I'll have more time soon.
New Year's Resolutions (which I don't usually do but might this year) are just around the corner.
Hope you have a great holiday with your families!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Update
The past week & a half have been pretty crazy, but I'm surviving. I have made some positive changes though. Here's the scoop.
I didn't run 3 times last week like I was supposed to. I only ran one 3 miler, but I did run the 6 mile group training run on Saturday. It was good. I'm really slow still, just under 12 minute miles, but I ran more than I usually do (as opposed to taking a lot of walk breaks) and I finished at least. It was cold but not rainy or very windy, so the weather wasn't a factor. That's not always going to be the case, I'm sure. This Saturday's run is 7 miles.
I ran 3 miles last night--left the house at 7 p.m. after Mark got home & went to the gym. (THIS is why I want a treadmill. But, alas, still no cheap deals to be had. I keep emailing Craigslist people, they keep ignoring me. I guess they are sold by the time I email.) I didn't want to leave the coziness of my warm house, but I did anyway because I have to.
In other news.... I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm putting the "better living through chemicals" slogan to work on the diet front. Yes, I went to a diet doc and got diet pills. They are Adipex, which is phentremine. I'm on 37.5 mg a day, split in two doses. I've been on them for a little over a week. So far I haven't had any negative side effects. It really does work. My appetite is squashed. The doctor explained how the drug works on the brain--telling the brain you aren't starving yourself when you are eating 1500 calories a day & you don't need to eat everything in sight right before bed. And that's exactly what's happening.
These aren't miracle pills. You don't lose weight if you don't eat right & exercise. For me, they are keeping me on track, taking away that desperate feeling of NEEDING to eat junk food. I eat healthfully because I need to fuel my body. The pills take away the desire to eat just to eat, and also to eat to comfort or soothe. That's the problem I needed solved. I use antidepressents to help keep my moods stable, so I figure if it's not hurting me, then why not use a diet drug that's been around for decades to help me keep my eating desires stable?
I've lost a little over 3 pounds since starting Adipex, but I'm down 6.4 pounds from my high weight in mid November. My mom asked me Monday if I was losing weight again, & my clothes are definitely fitting better.
The next thing I need to do is add weight training back in. I think my best bet is the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD, as far as a time commitment goes. Even though it's only a 20 minute workout, I still haven't found time to squeeze it in yet.
My dad continues to get worse, health wise (he has ALS). My sister takes care of him during the day & my cousin & uncle take care of him at night. He can still use his power wheel chair, can still use his fingers enough to use the computer a bit, can still lift himself up from his chair (but he's getting weaker & weaker), can still feed himself. But he can't do anything else. We've watched him decline so quickly that we figure he will be bed bound in another month. But, who knows. He's pretty stubborn. I'm responsible for all the bills and paperwork, and there's tons of paperwork--VA, Social Security, long term disability, insurance, MDA, bills. It's overwhelming and takes a ton of time.
Business has been good. Mark is working like mad and it's paying off. I'm so thankful we are doing OK and are still in business. Last year at this time it was very, very scary.
Sophie & Luke are doing well. Sophie had not been having dizzy spells until last week, when we had some big low pressure systems go through & knocked her for a loop. The days it was sunny again she was fine, & then another system went through Monday & she was dizzy again. She's only missed one full day of school, though, the rest of the days she is fine by mid morning/late afternoon. So the meds are still working, they just can't eliminate the migraines completely.
One piece of bad news--we are losing our health insurance in March. The company we work with (they don't employ us, they are our broker/dealer & we pay them to use their services but our sales & commissions flow through them) had to cancel the group health plan they started 2 years ago, because they didn't have enough people participate and the group is costing money instead of making it for the insurance company.
So we have to apply for Medicaid, get turned down, and then apply to the State insurance pool. I have heard it can take 6 to 8 months for this whole process to work. Luke & I will be on regular individual plans (I actually already have one--I switched over to a new plan in October when they raised our rates on the family plan 60%). But Mark & Sophie are uninsurable, because of their health issues. We tried to get them coverage in 2007 & they were both declined, so I'm not just assuming they will be turned down. They already have been.
We've been watching the health care bill more carefully than we ever would have before. I don't care what your politics are, this is what I've learned--if you have to pay 100% for your own health insurance coverage, you're a lot more affected by how expensive good insurance is. And when you don't have insurance and you can't get insurance, then a public option sounds like an awesome idea. Unfortunately, that's apparently not going to happen any time soon.
Just one more thing I have to deal with. At least the wellbutrin, fish oil, calcium, SAD light, xanax, adipex, and running are all doing their jobs & keeping me (relatively) sane.
I didn't run 3 times last week like I was supposed to. I only ran one 3 miler, but I did run the 6 mile group training run on Saturday. It was good. I'm really slow still, just under 12 minute miles, but I ran more than I usually do (as opposed to taking a lot of walk breaks) and I finished at least. It was cold but not rainy or very windy, so the weather wasn't a factor. That's not always going to be the case, I'm sure. This Saturday's run is 7 miles.
I ran 3 miles last night--left the house at 7 p.m. after Mark got home & went to the gym. (THIS is why I want a treadmill. But, alas, still no cheap deals to be had. I keep emailing Craigslist people, they keep ignoring me. I guess they are sold by the time I email.) I didn't want to leave the coziness of my warm house, but I did anyway because I have to.
In other news.... I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm putting the "better living through chemicals" slogan to work on the diet front. Yes, I went to a diet doc and got diet pills. They are Adipex, which is phentremine. I'm on 37.5 mg a day, split in two doses. I've been on them for a little over a week. So far I haven't had any negative side effects. It really does work. My appetite is squashed. The doctor explained how the drug works on the brain--telling the brain you aren't starving yourself when you are eating 1500 calories a day & you don't need to eat everything in sight right before bed. And that's exactly what's happening.
These aren't miracle pills. You don't lose weight if you don't eat right & exercise. For me, they are keeping me on track, taking away that desperate feeling of NEEDING to eat junk food. I eat healthfully because I need to fuel my body. The pills take away the desire to eat just to eat, and also to eat to comfort or soothe. That's the problem I needed solved. I use antidepressents to help keep my moods stable, so I figure if it's not hurting me, then why not use a diet drug that's been around for decades to help me keep my eating desires stable?
I've lost a little over 3 pounds since starting Adipex, but I'm down 6.4 pounds from my high weight in mid November. My mom asked me Monday if I was losing weight again, & my clothes are definitely fitting better.
The next thing I need to do is add weight training back in. I think my best bet is the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD, as far as a time commitment goes. Even though it's only a 20 minute workout, I still haven't found time to squeeze it in yet.
My dad continues to get worse, health wise (he has ALS). My sister takes care of him during the day & my cousin & uncle take care of him at night. He can still use his power wheel chair, can still use his fingers enough to use the computer a bit, can still lift himself up from his chair (but he's getting weaker & weaker), can still feed himself. But he can't do anything else. We've watched him decline so quickly that we figure he will be bed bound in another month. But, who knows. He's pretty stubborn. I'm responsible for all the bills and paperwork, and there's tons of paperwork--VA, Social Security, long term disability, insurance, MDA, bills. It's overwhelming and takes a ton of time.
Business has been good. Mark is working like mad and it's paying off. I'm so thankful we are doing OK and are still in business. Last year at this time it was very, very scary.
Sophie & Luke are doing well. Sophie had not been having dizzy spells until last week, when we had some big low pressure systems go through & knocked her for a loop. The days it was sunny again she was fine, & then another system went through Monday & she was dizzy again. She's only missed one full day of school, though, the rest of the days she is fine by mid morning/late afternoon. So the meds are still working, they just can't eliminate the migraines completely.
One piece of bad news--we are losing our health insurance in March. The company we work with (they don't employ us, they are our broker/dealer & we pay them to use their services but our sales & commissions flow through them) had to cancel the group health plan they started 2 years ago, because they didn't have enough people participate and the group is costing money instead of making it for the insurance company.
So we have to apply for Medicaid, get turned down, and then apply to the State insurance pool. I have heard it can take 6 to 8 months for this whole process to work. Luke & I will be on regular individual plans (I actually already have one--I switched over to a new plan in October when they raised our rates on the family plan 60%). But Mark & Sophie are uninsurable, because of their health issues. We tried to get them coverage in 2007 & they were both declined, so I'm not just assuming they will be turned down. They already have been.
We've been watching the health care bill more carefully than we ever would have before. I don't care what your politics are, this is what I've learned--if you have to pay 100% for your own health insurance coverage, you're a lot more affected by how expensive good insurance is. And when you don't have insurance and you can't get insurance, then a public option sounds like an awesome idea. Unfortunately, that's apparently not going to happen any time soon.
Just one more thing I have to deal with. At least the wellbutrin, fish oil, calcium, SAD light, xanax, adipex, and running are all doing their jobs & keeping me (relatively) sane.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
I ran today--YAY!
It was yet another rough week. I think I cried every single day. By Friday night I was completely fried.
Today was a better day. Mark & I cleaned & cooked & did laundry. The kids were wonderful. Everything I did today was for ME & MY FAMILY.
It was about time.
I even got to run 3 miles this afternoon while Sophie was at a birthday party & Mark & Luke were home playing. They were glorious miles. Nothing special, nothing fast. Just me on the treadmill at the Y, listening to U2 and walking to warm up, running a full mile in 11 minutes, then walking a bit, then running again slowly and increasing my speed every minute until I got to 7.0 mph (that last sprint was rough, but I was channeling Jillian Michaels yelling at me, and it worked). It felt so unbelievably good to move & sweat.
Monday is THE DAY that marathon training starts. I need to run at least 3 times during the week next week--two 3 milers and one 4 miler, then a 6 mile group run with the training group on Saturday. It may be prayer alone that makes all these runs happen, because God knows my life certainly doesn't have room for training right now.
We are on hold for the treadmill for a bit. I'm hoping to find one for cheap on Craigslist & haven't gotten a response from one seller yet. I'm wondering if next March there will be a flood of them, from people who buy them in January and use them for one week and decide to cut their losses. Their loss might be my gain. We'll see.
I've got a clean house, most of the laundry is done (more to do after I finish here), and I have a healthy family. That's good enough for this girl, for today.
Today was a better day. Mark & I cleaned & cooked & did laundry. The kids were wonderful. Everything I did today was for ME & MY FAMILY.
It was about time.
I even got to run 3 miles this afternoon while Sophie was at a birthday party & Mark & Luke were home playing. They were glorious miles. Nothing special, nothing fast. Just me on the treadmill at the Y, listening to U2 and walking to warm up, running a full mile in 11 minutes, then walking a bit, then running again slowly and increasing my speed every minute until I got to 7.0 mph (that last sprint was rough, but I was channeling Jillian Michaels yelling at me, and it worked). It felt so unbelievably good to move & sweat.
Monday is THE DAY that marathon training starts. I need to run at least 3 times during the week next week--two 3 milers and one 4 miler, then a 6 mile group run with the training group on Saturday. It may be prayer alone that makes all these runs happen, because God knows my life certainly doesn't have room for training right now.
We are on hold for the treadmill for a bit. I'm hoping to find one for cheap on Craigslist & haven't gotten a response from one seller yet. I'm wondering if next March there will be a flood of them, from people who buy them in January and use them for one week and decide to cut their losses. Their loss might be my gain. We'll see.
I've got a clean house, most of the laundry is done (more to do after I finish here), and I have a healthy family. That's good enough for this girl, for today.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Big black hole... Looking for light
I feel like November was this big black hole that sucked the life right out of me.
I am so ready for the light.
I'm sitting on my couch now, finally watching The Biggest Loser "Where Are They Now?" from last week, and I am INSPIRED. Matt's story of the Ironman Triathalon made me cry. I've been scared that the marathon in April isn't going to happen. I ran last week 3 days, which is more than I have run in weeks & weeks. But I have to do more than 3 days a week. There's just no getting around it.
And after watching the inspirational "After" stories (I'm still in the middle of watching it... how's that for multitasking?) I can't wait to put on my running shoes & hit the pavement.
Since it's almost bedtime, I'll wait until tomorrow.
A very good thing to report--my husband has finally relented & agrees we need a treadmill. WOOHOO! We are reading reviews, looking at Craigslist, trying to decide on the best deal for the money. But, baby, we are finally going to get a treadmill in da house.
It won't just be a coat rack, that's for sure.
Thanksgiving was good. We went to Indianapolis & spent 3 days with Mark's family. We went to the zoo one afternoon, which was wonderful. I didn't over do it, food wise. I ran 3 miles Thanksgiving morning (in the bitter cold & wind & even some sprinkling rain...yeah, it sucked), and I felt great all day because I did. This morning I weighed and was 160.0. It's a flabby 160, though. I have lost so much muscle tone, it's ridiculous. I can still wear my size 10 pants & my size 12 jeans are loose, but I miss my muscles even more than loose size 8s.
Mark is ready to lose weight too. So we are going to eat well together, get the treadmill, & get this body back into fighting shape.
Marathon training officially starts on Monday.
I am so ready for the light.
I'm sitting on my couch now, finally watching The Biggest Loser "Where Are They Now?" from last week, and I am INSPIRED. Matt's story of the Ironman Triathalon made me cry. I've been scared that the marathon in April isn't going to happen. I ran last week 3 days, which is more than I have run in weeks & weeks. But I have to do more than 3 days a week. There's just no getting around it.
And after watching the inspirational "After" stories (I'm still in the middle of watching it... how's that for multitasking?) I can't wait to put on my running shoes & hit the pavement.
Since it's almost bedtime, I'll wait until tomorrow.
A very good thing to report--my husband has finally relented & agrees we need a treadmill. WOOHOO! We are reading reviews, looking at Craigslist, trying to decide on the best deal for the money. But, baby, we are finally going to get a treadmill in da house.
It won't just be a coat rack, that's for sure.
Thanksgiving was good. We went to Indianapolis & spent 3 days with Mark's family. We went to the zoo one afternoon, which was wonderful. I didn't over do it, food wise. I ran 3 miles Thanksgiving morning (in the bitter cold & wind & even some sprinkling rain...yeah, it sucked), and I felt great all day because I did. This morning I weighed and was 160.0. It's a flabby 160, though. I have lost so much muscle tone, it's ridiculous. I can still wear my size 10 pants & my size 12 jeans are loose, but I miss my muscles even more than loose size 8s.
Mark is ready to lose weight too. So we are going to eat well together, get the treadmill, & get this body back into fighting shape.
Marathon training officially starts on Monday.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
It's been a while
Sorry it's been so long since I've visited with you all. I'm in survival mode, as you know. It's not getting any better. And it's probably going to get worse before things improve.
I have run a few times since I last posted. Yesterday I hit the treadmill for 3.5 miles. I can tell I've gained weight. It is a lot harder to run at a faster pace. 10-15 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry at 10 min/mile. So I'm not running 10 min/mile. More like 11:00 to 11:30s. I can run fast for shorter distances, which is what I'm doing & what I've done before. But even my fastest fast is slower. At least the slower running times are a good motivator to lose weight.
And I'm not gaining. But I'm still not losing. Frankly losing weight is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just trying to keep myself together the best I can without completely self destructing.
Running is hopefully going to be a top priority again, since my Marathon training begins on December 12th and I have to have a pre-training base just to be ready to train. That's why my goal is to run 20 miles this week & every week until the 12th. If I can focus on that, hopefully everything else will be stable enough to keep me from bursting my seams.
My dad's ALS is getting worse every week. He is barely able to transfer himself from place to place. He's having more trouble eating. Today my sister said he is not acting like himself--he's very down, very depressed, doesn't want to eat. I'm not surprised, really. I can imagine the week days are really tough. Weekends we surround him with lots of family, but during the week he has his main care giver and sometimes one other person (whoever might be available from our group of friends & family who are caring for him). The pending divorce & being separated from his totally dysfunctional/batshit crazy wife is hard on him too. My dad's always been emotionally challenged. He's made some tough choices the past few months which have helped bring us all back together, but it doesn't stop him from missing the good parts of his marriage. I think it's like the battered woman who misses her husband; once she's away, she forgets how he used to beat the crap out of her, until someone reminds her of what he's really like. We've had to do a lot of reminding the past several weeks.
The kids are healthy. Mark is healthy. I am healthy. Thank God for small miracles!
Email or comment if you miss me & I'll email you back or I'll post. Otherwise I'll probably let it slide until someone (Vickie :-) bugs me.
I miss this part of me. Hopefully I can keep just enough life in this blog that it will be here when I'm ready for it again.
I have run a few times since I last posted. Yesterday I hit the treadmill for 3.5 miles. I can tell I've gained weight. It is a lot harder to run at a faster pace. 10-15 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry at 10 min/mile. So I'm not running 10 min/mile. More like 11:00 to 11:30s. I can run fast for shorter distances, which is what I'm doing & what I've done before. But even my fastest fast is slower. At least the slower running times are a good motivator to lose weight.
And I'm not gaining. But I'm still not losing. Frankly losing weight is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just trying to keep myself together the best I can without completely self destructing.
Running is hopefully going to be a top priority again, since my Marathon training begins on December 12th and I have to have a pre-training base just to be ready to train. That's why my goal is to run 20 miles this week & every week until the 12th. If I can focus on that, hopefully everything else will be stable enough to keep me from bursting my seams.
My dad's ALS is getting worse every week. He is barely able to transfer himself from place to place. He's having more trouble eating. Today my sister said he is not acting like himself--he's very down, very depressed, doesn't want to eat. I'm not surprised, really. I can imagine the week days are really tough. Weekends we surround him with lots of family, but during the week he has his main care giver and sometimes one other person (whoever might be available from our group of friends & family who are caring for him). The pending divorce & being separated from his totally dysfunctional/batshit crazy wife is hard on him too. My dad's always been emotionally challenged. He's made some tough choices the past few months which have helped bring us all back together, but it doesn't stop him from missing the good parts of his marriage. I think it's like the battered woman who misses her husband; once she's away, she forgets how he used to beat the crap out of her, until someone reminds her of what he's really like. We've had to do a lot of reminding the past several weeks.
The kids are healthy. Mark is healthy. I am healthy. Thank God for small miracles!
Email or comment if you miss me & I'll email you back or I'll post. Otherwise I'll probably let it slide until someone (Vickie :-) bugs me.
I miss this part of me. Hopefully I can keep just enough life in this blog that it will be here when I'm ready for it again.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Nutrisystem, with a meeting
That's what the hospital weight loss program turned out to be. The program is based on HMR meal replacements, which are shelf stable packaged foods similar to Nutrisystem. I would have done the 3 entrees/2 shakes/5 cups of fruits/veggies a day. I would have gone to one meeting a week, which was 90 minutes long but that I had to leave 10 minutes early to pick up Luke from daycare. And I'm sure I'd have lost weight on the program.
But it just didn't feel right. More on that in a minute.
Have you ever had shelf stable entrees? They are, without a doubt, one of the yuckiest things I've ever eaten. I couldn't imagine eating three of those entrees a day for three months. I knew when I called the hospital and asked about the program that meal replacements were involved, but I didn't realize it was the backbone of the whole deal. I hoped it might be like LA Weight Loss's shakes, where you could optionally substitute a shake for a meal, or you'd do 3 meals a day and 2 shakes a day. But no. It's expensive Non Food that they built the program around.
I'm sure it works for a lot of people. But it's not for me.
The not feeling right part started with the nurse who did the informational meeting. She was not obese by any means, but she seriously has more weight to lose than I do! That was the first strike.
At one point in the presentation she asked the group (there were 4 other people) why they wanted to lose weight, and she completely ignored me. Just listened to the other 4, and went right along as if I wasn't even in the room, as if someone who wants to lose "only" 20 pounds isn't worthy of her time. Strike two.
After the meeting was over, I explained that I would have to leave the weekly meeting 10 minutes early each week, and they treated me like I was nuts. "Can't you have someone else pick up your son?" "Can't you do the 6 p.m. class?" Why, no, I've already thought of those options and if they WERE options, I wouldn't be asking to leave 10 minutes early. I'm kind of busting their chops on this issue, because it wasn't that big a deal. It just added to my overall icky feeling about the whole thing. So, strike three, they were out.
I came back to the office afterwards and talked with Mark about it. He had done Nutrisystem last year and hated it. I told him what I wanted--LA Weight Loss back--and he said, why don't you just create your own program and follow it?
Well, yeah, easy to say. Not so easy to implement.
But I am definitely in the "pre-planning" stage of making this happen, and I feel the momentum building toward implementation.
Because I have got to get this weight off in the next few months.
Because I have signed up to (wait for it) run a full marathon in April 2010.
Yeah, I know, I know, I already said ages ago I was going to run the marathon in Nashville next year. But with everything going on with my dad & with our business, it wasn't an option to plan an out of town trip that far in the future.
So in October, right after I ran the Evansville Half Marathon, I was given a huge gift. I learned that Evansville is hosting its first ever full marathon on April 11, 2010, which is 2 days before I turn 40. Perfect timing. The organizers of the race are running a training program with long runs on Saturdays--bonus!
No excuses, I'm doing this marathon next year.
I printed the running schedule off today. I'm resolved to do this thing, but right now I'm completely freaking intimidated. The PRE-TRAIN schedule says I should be running 5 days a week for a total of 21 miles a week for at least a month before the training starts in December. Holy crap! That's more miles than I've ever run in my life.
Which I guess is the point, eh?
I always do my best and accomplish great things when I have a goal. I not only have a goal, I will have help to get there thanks to the Saturday training runs. And I know that I will always, thankfully, have my blog friends for support and accountability.
Thanks, guys, for sticking with me during these dark days. I can feel the light coming. Hopefully I'll be lighter on the scale soon, too.
But it just didn't feel right. More on that in a minute.
Have you ever had shelf stable entrees? They are, without a doubt, one of the yuckiest things I've ever eaten. I couldn't imagine eating three of those entrees a day for three months. I knew when I called the hospital and asked about the program that meal replacements were involved, but I didn't realize it was the backbone of the whole deal. I hoped it might be like LA Weight Loss's shakes, where you could optionally substitute a shake for a meal, or you'd do 3 meals a day and 2 shakes a day. But no. It's expensive Non Food that they built the program around.
I'm sure it works for a lot of people. But it's not for me.
The not feeling right part started with the nurse who did the informational meeting. She was not obese by any means, but she seriously has more weight to lose than I do! That was the first strike.
At one point in the presentation she asked the group (there were 4 other people) why they wanted to lose weight, and she completely ignored me. Just listened to the other 4, and went right along as if I wasn't even in the room, as if someone who wants to lose "only" 20 pounds isn't worthy of her time. Strike two.
After the meeting was over, I explained that I would have to leave the weekly meeting 10 minutes early each week, and they treated me like I was nuts. "Can't you have someone else pick up your son?" "Can't you do the 6 p.m. class?" Why, no, I've already thought of those options and if they WERE options, I wouldn't be asking to leave 10 minutes early. I'm kind of busting their chops on this issue, because it wasn't that big a deal. It just added to my overall icky feeling about the whole thing. So, strike three, they were out.
I came back to the office afterwards and talked with Mark about it. He had done Nutrisystem last year and hated it. I told him what I wanted--LA Weight Loss back--and he said, why don't you just create your own program and follow it?
Well, yeah, easy to say. Not so easy to implement.
But I am definitely in the "pre-planning" stage of making this happen, and I feel the momentum building toward implementation.
Because I have got to get this weight off in the next few months.
Because I have signed up to (wait for it) run a full marathon in April 2010.
Yeah, I know, I know, I already said ages ago I was going to run the marathon in Nashville next year. But with everything going on with my dad & with our business, it wasn't an option to plan an out of town trip that far in the future.
So in October, right after I ran the Evansville Half Marathon, I was given a huge gift. I learned that Evansville is hosting its first ever full marathon on April 11, 2010, which is 2 days before I turn 40. Perfect timing. The organizers of the race are running a training program with long runs on Saturdays--bonus!
No excuses, I'm doing this marathon next year.
I printed the running schedule off today. I'm resolved to do this thing, but right now I'm completely freaking intimidated. The PRE-TRAIN schedule says I should be running 5 days a week for a total of 21 miles a week for at least a month before the training starts in December. Holy crap! That's more miles than I've ever run in my life.
Which I guess is the point, eh?
I always do my best and accomplish great things when I have a goal. I not only have a goal, I will have help to get there thanks to the Saturday training runs. And I know that I will always, thankfully, have my blog friends for support and accountability.
Thanks, guys, for sticking with me during these dark days. I can feel the light coming. Hopefully I'll be lighter on the scale soon, too.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Desperate Times
It hit me hard this weekend that I was on a slippery slope, sliding out of control toward being obese again. It also hit me hard that there is no way I can correct my course without help.
I've been here before, in this place where I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'll start eating right" or "what is wrong with me? why'd I put that food in my mouth?" And the way I fixed it, at last, was through L.A. Weight Loss, where I met with someone three times a week and followed a prescribed portion plan.
Unfortunately they went out of business in our town in 2008--before I finished my one year contract with them, by the way.
So yesterday I called a local hospital's weight management center. It's a bariatric surgery center, but they have a non-surgical program that is medically supervised and has weekly meetings. I'm going on Tuesday at noon to an informational meeting, and then the weekly meetings will start for me on Wednesday of the next week (I have to have a medical review with a nurse before I can start the meetings).
I guess it's a little nuts to start a weight loss program right before the holidays, but honestly I just can't take this anymore. I could easily gain 10 more pounds by the end of the year--or, hell, it could 20 pounds at the rate I'm going--and I'm not willing to put myself in the "obese" category again.
It's hard enough feeling like I do now. I can't even fathom what 170 or 180 pounds would feel like again.
And I don't ever, ever want to find out.
Thankfully I'm self aware enough (& desperate enough) that I know I can't do this by myself. I need accountability, I need a financial investment, and I need an official plan. So I'm hopeful that the hospital program will be the ticket.
It may be a desperate measure, but that's what I need right now.
I've been here before, in this place where I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'll start eating right" or "what is wrong with me? why'd I put that food in my mouth?" And the way I fixed it, at last, was through L.A. Weight Loss, where I met with someone three times a week and followed a prescribed portion plan.
Unfortunately they went out of business in our town in 2008--before I finished my one year contract with them, by the way.
So yesterday I called a local hospital's weight management center. It's a bariatric surgery center, but they have a non-surgical program that is medically supervised and has weekly meetings. I'm going on Tuesday at noon to an informational meeting, and then the weekly meetings will start for me on Wednesday of the next week (I have to have a medical review with a nurse before I can start the meetings).
I guess it's a little nuts to start a weight loss program right before the holidays, but honestly I just can't take this anymore. I could easily gain 10 more pounds by the end of the year--or, hell, it could 20 pounds at the rate I'm going--and I'm not willing to put myself in the "obese" category again.
It's hard enough feeling like I do now. I can't even fathom what 170 or 180 pounds would feel like again.
And I don't ever, ever want to find out.
Thankfully I'm self aware enough (& desperate enough) that I know I can't do this by myself. I need accountability, I need a financial investment, and I need an official plan. So I'm hopeful that the hospital program will be the ticket.
It may be a desperate measure, but that's what I need right now.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
M.I.A.
Missing in action is definitely how I feel lately, & not just in blog land. My life right now is so far from what I want it to be--so far from what I've created over the past two years--that I feel like I'm missing an essential piece of who I am.
Namely, the Skinny Girl.
I'm in crisis, guys. My dad's dying, and he's getting a divorce (yes! a divorce! this is a very, very good thing), and it's a lot of work (I'm handling all his finances & paperwork) and emotional upset (the separation/divorce filing court hearing was yesterday and it was a really tough day).
I haven't run or done any exercise since the half marathon on October 11. I've had a few good food days here & there, but there's no consistency for me to get any traction. I've been having those "I can't control myself" feelings around food again and the "Why am I eating like this?" zombie brain like the bad old days.
Work is crazy busy, which is good because we have gotten a couple new clients recently and we are doing marketing events and we are making some money. Every month we are still in business is a victory. But busy is still busy, and it's just one more thing derailing my workouts & food.
I'm not in a place where I can just prioritize better, or wake up earlier, or plan my meals ahead of time. Yes, those are all excellent ways to live a better life. They just aren't possible for someone in my position.
Which is hanging by my fingernails from a very steep cliff.
Thank God, we are healthy. Neither of the kids is sick. I've picked up something in the last day or two but it's just an annoying head cold thingy. Mark is doing okay. Sophie's dizzy spells have been, praise the Lord and medication, pretty much nonexistent this fall. So I'm not without saving graces here.
I have tons of family support. My mom and my sister are always there for me. My uncle (my dad's brother) has been a rock. There are many extended family members--cousins, aunts--who are coming to our rescue, as well.
I am not alone. I'm just overwhelmed.
I will be around the blog world, as I have a little time. This part of who I am--my blog, my bloggy friends--is why I know I can resurrect Skinny Girl when things aren't so insane.
I just hope she doesn't get completely smothered by Fat Girl. I'll settle for Moderately Overweight Girl for the time being.
***
And yes, dear friend Vickie, I had a lovely time with my dad at the Celtic Woman concert, thank you for asking. Altogether, there were 15 of us there! Dad & Mark & Sophie & my niece Jillian got to go backstage & meet two of the singers. It was a remarkable evening that my dad said "filled a hole in his heart." Sophie said she will always remember that night, as long as she lives. I think the rest of us will, too.
Namely, the Skinny Girl.
I'm in crisis, guys. My dad's dying, and he's getting a divorce (yes! a divorce! this is a very, very good thing), and it's a lot of work (I'm handling all his finances & paperwork) and emotional upset (the separation/divorce filing court hearing was yesterday and it was a really tough day).
I haven't run or done any exercise since the half marathon on October 11. I've had a few good food days here & there, but there's no consistency for me to get any traction. I've been having those "I can't control myself" feelings around food again and the "Why am I eating like this?" zombie brain like the bad old days.
Work is crazy busy, which is good because we have gotten a couple new clients recently and we are doing marketing events and we are making some money. Every month we are still in business is a victory. But busy is still busy, and it's just one more thing derailing my workouts & food.
I'm not in a place where I can just prioritize better, or wake up earlier, or plan my meals ahead of time. Yes, those are all excellent ways to live a better life. They just aren't possible for someone in my position.
Which is hanging by my fingernails from a very steep cliff.
Thank God, we are healthy. Neither of the kids is sick. I've picked up something in the last day or two but it's just an annoying head cold thingy. Mark is doing okay. Sophie's dizzy spells have been, praise the Lord and medication, pretty much nonexistent this fall. So I'm not without saving graces here.
I have tons of family support. My mom and my sister are always there for me. My uncle (my dad's brother) has been a rock. There are many extended family members--cousins, aunts--who are coming to our rescue, as well.
I am not alone. I'm just overwhelmed.
I will be around the blog world, as I have a little time. This part of who I am--my blog, my bloggy friends--is why I know I can resurrect Skinny Girl when things aren't so insane.
I just hope she doesn't get completely smothered by Fat Girl. I'll settle for Moderately Overweight Girl for the time being.
***
And yes, dear friend Vickie, I had a lovely time with my dad at the Celtic Woman concert, thank you for asking. Altogether, there were 15 of us there! Dad & Mark & Sophie & my niece Jillian got to go backstage & meet two of the singers. It was a remarkable evening that my dad said "filled a hole in his heart." Sophie said she will always remember that night, as long as she lives. I think the rest of us will, too.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Imagine what I could do if I applied myself
So I ran the half marathon Sunday, even though I'd only gotten 4 hours sleep the night before and even though my training basically evaporated 2 months ago.
It wasn't bad.
I finished officially in around 2:54:ish, and unofficially (because my Garmin stops counting when I stop) in 2:43:ish. I walked a good portion of the last 3 miles and my running pace, when I was running, was much slower than usual, in the 11 - 12 min/mile range.
I was really, super glad I did it.
I didn't get injured, I didn't feel horrible all day, and I was stiff the next day but on Tuesday I was back to feeling normal.
It's frankly amazing that my body cooperates with me so well. I feel like I have been given a huge gift, to be able to run/walk 13.1 miles with virtually no training, not hurt myself, and not be miserable for days after.
So I keep thinking to myself "Imagine what I'd do if I'd trained?!"
I'll share more soon......
It wasn't bad.
I finished officially in around 2:54:ish, and unofficially (because my Garmin stops counting when I stop) in 2:43:ish. I walked a good portion of the last 3 miles and my running pace, when I was running, was much slower than usual, in the 11 - 12 min/mile range.
I was really, super glad I did it.
I didn't get injured, I didn't feel horrible all day, and I was stiff the next day but on Tuesday I was back to feeling normal.
It's frankly amazing that my body cooperates with me so well. I feel like I have been given a huge gift, to be able to run/walk 13.1 miles with virtually no training, not hurt myself, and not be miserable for days after.
So I keep thinking to myself "Imagine what I'd do if I'd trained?!"
I'll share more soon......
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Tiny little update
So today is a good day. I'm taking it a day a time, and today so far is a good day.
I got to run yesterday, 3.24 miles, 39 minutes. It was a good run. I felt strong, even though it had been forever since I'd run much. I weighed 158.6 this morning, so I'm holding steady. I didn't binge last night--it's hard to eat Oreos when you're watching The Biggest Loser, ya know?
Things with my dad are still going well. He wanted to take the family to see The Celtic Woman performance this Saturday night, so we have 13 tickets (we have a big extended family!) and we are all going. It's his big "final gift" to everyone. I'm going to surprise him with a gift of our own--we have backstage passes for him. Right now we have 2, and I'm trying to get a 3rd so that both my sister & me can go with him. Otherwise, I'll let my sister go (if that's what Dad wants) because she has put up with so much crap over the years and never left his side. I think it will mean the world to him.
I'm still waffling about the half marathon, which is this Sunday. I really want to do it. If I get any semblance of decent sleep & the weather is cooperative, I'm going to. If it's too much, then I won't. No pressure on myself, at all. I figure I can do it in 3 hours without too much trouble (hope those aren't famous last words!).
For now, it's all good.
Except I got a speeding ticket this morning, which sucks. But you know? It didn't really upset me, so I guess that's a sign I'm dealing with life pretty well right now. Thanks be to God.
I got to run yesterday, 3.24 miles, 39 minutes. It was a good run. I felt strong, even though it had been forever since I'd run much. I weighed 158.6 this morning, so I'm holding steady. I didn't binge last night--it's hard to eat Oreos when you're watching The Biggest Loser, ya know?
Things with my dad are still going well. He wanted to take the family to see The Celtic Woman performance this Saturday night, so we have 13 tickets (we have a big extended family!) and we are all going. It's his big "final gift" to everyone. I'm going to surprise him with a gift of our own--we have backstage passes for him. Right now we have 2, and I'm trying to get a 3rd so that both my sister & me can go with him. Otherwise, I'll let my sister go (if that's what Dad wants) because she has put up with so much crap over the years and never left his side. I think it will mean the world to him.
I'm still waffling about the half marathon, which is this Sunday. I really want to do it. If I get any semblance of decent sleep & the weather is cooperative, I'm going to. If it's too much, then I won't. No pressure on myself, at all. I figure I can do it in 3 hours without too much trouble (hope those aren't famous last words!).
For now, it's all good.
Except I got a speeding ticket this morning, which sucks. But you know? It didn't really upset me, so I guess that's a sign I'm dealing with life pretty well right now. Thanks be to God.
Friday, October 02, 2009
Is it Friday already?
And it's October? Are you kidding me? My son turns 4 in a month. Christmas is less than 3 months away. 2010 is a mere 90 days from now.
I guess my age is starting to show, because time is flying by faster than ever.
We also are one year out from when we thought the financial world was going to collapse. I'm frankly astonished--and thankful--that we (my husband & me) are still in business. It's been a rough year. But we survived.
Things are going well with my dad. The wife is still gone. They are emailing each other, and he is forwarding all their emails to me & my sister so we know what's going on and so he feels protected, emotionally, from her. He still loves her, he says, but he can't have her in his life anymore because of how she shuts everyone else in his family out. I've spent more time with him & talked with him more in the past week than I have in the last 2 years. And it's good time. There's immense healing going on. He's a different person. He told me he feels alive for the first time in years. This, from a man who the doctors have said has 6 to 12 months to live.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
I lifted weights Wednesday night & ran 1.5 miles. I still feel sore. If I'm going to do any more workouts this weekend, though, it's going to be a stretch--I've got plans with Sophie & Mark tonight (nature walk with church group) and tomorrow (swim lessons @ 9:30, pick up my dad for the ALS walk at 11:30, ALS walk from 11:30 - ?, stay with my dad until 7 p.m.-ish). Then Sunday will be church, grocery shop, laundry, clean, and family vegetation in front of TV football if there's time.
Anyway, I'm doing OK. I haven't gained any more weight, which is a plus. My jeans still fit. I brought my SAD light into the office & started sitting under it yesterday. It's on right now. I only have to sit under it for 40 minutes so it being kind of in the way isn't a big deal. I just move it when I'm done.
So that's it from here. I will check in with you all next week.
I guess my age is starting to show, because time is flying by faster than ever.
We also are one year out from when we thought the financial world was going to collapse. I'm frankly astonished--and thankful--that we (my husband & me) are still in business. It's been a rough year. But we survived.
Things are going well with my dad. The wife is still gone. They are emailing each other, and he is forwarding all their emails to me & my sister so we know what's going on and so he feels protected, emotionally, from her. He still loves her, he says, but he can't have her in his life anymore because of how she shuts everyone else in his family out. I've spent more time with him & talked with him more in the past week than I have in the last 2 years. And it's good time. There's immense healing going on. He's a different person. He told me he feels alive for the first time in years. This, from a man who the doctors have said has 6 to 12 months to live.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
I lifted weights Wednesday night & ran 1.5 miles. I still feel sore. If I'm going to do any more workouts this weekend, though, it's going to be a stretch--I've got plans with Sophie & Mark tonight (nature walk with church group) and tomorrow (swim lessons @ 9:30, pick up my dad for the ALS walk at 11:30, ALS walk from 11:30 - ?, stay with my dad until 7 p.m.-ish). Then Sunday will be church, grocery shop, laundry, clean, and family vegetation in front of TV football if there's time.
Anyway, I'm doing OK. I haven't gained any more weight, which is a plus. My jeans still fit. I brought my SAD light into the office & started sitting under it yesterday. It's on right now. I only have to sit under it for 40 minutes so it being kind of in the way isn't a big deal. I just move it when I'm done.
So that's it from here. I will check in with you all next week.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Too much
My dad kicked his emotionally abusive wife out last Wednesday. You might remember the drama around his illness (he has ALS) and his wife trying to drive my sister & me away from him. He'd finally had it last Wednesday after yet another confrontation and told her to leave. He not only told her to leave, he called my sister and asked her to come over to protect him. Then he asked my sister to call my mom & her husband and have them come over so they could protect him. This is unprecedented. My dad wants my mom around, my mom and her 6'6'' husband who has a concealed weapons license. Dad's afraid. He hasn't been alone for one minute since she left. And she's left peacefully, for now.
I've been spending a lot of time with him since then, which has been a huge blessing.
The good news is that a tremendous peace has settled on our family now that she's gone.
The bad news is now I can't just put his illness and my feelings in my nice little box and file it away and ignore it. I have to deal with all the emotions. And it's hard. Really really hard.
I'm not losing any weight, because I have zero energy for it. I'm scared. I realized yesterday I could easily have 40 pounds to lose instead of 10 if I don't get a handle on myself soon. I have got to make exercise a priority. It's the only thing that is going to save me, because I don't have the energy to do the food right now. Exercise makes a difference on every level. I feel better, I look better, it helps keeps the comfort food eating in check.
But I have had no time to do anything since Wednesday, before I got the call from my sister Wednesday night.
I'm not spending all my nights with my dad. There are miracles at work and we have other family members (on my dad's side) who are living with him & taking care of his daily needs. But I'll be spending significant time with him every weekend, which I'm happy about. He may not have many weekends left. And I'm now co-Power of Attorney (with my sister) and I have responsibility for getting his finances figured out.
I'm not sleeping well, so I started taking xanax again to sleep. That makes it hard to wake up in the morning. It's all quite a mess, actually.
Anyway, I'm going to try to leave today at 4 p.m. and either take a body pump class or go running in this gorgeous weather.
I don't have all the answers. I know things could be worse. I know they could be much much better. I'm going to do the best I can. Please pray that I don't end up back at 200 pounds before this is all over with.
***
Vickie, you'd asked a while back when I go to sleep at night. That is a great question and you have zero'd in on a big problem I have. I'm a night owl by nature, & my brain gears up around 9 p.m. and I usually watch TV and do laundry or just vegetate on the couch or read. I go to sleep around 11 p.m. most nights, sometimes later (last night it was almost midnight). Not a good plan for breakfast, eh? It doesn't help that my husband stays up even later than I do. I need an overhaul!
I've been spending a lot of time with him since then, which has been a huge blessing.
The good news is that a tremendous peace has settled on our family now that she's gone.
The bad news is now I can't just put his illness and my feelings in my nice little box and file it away and ignore it. I have to deal with all the emotions. And it's hard. Really really hard.
I'm not losing any weight, because I have zero energy for it. I'm scared. I realized yesterday I could easily have 40 pounds to lose instead of 10 if I don't get a handle on myself soon. I have got to make exercise a priority. It's the only thing that is going to save me, because I don't have the energy to do the food right now. Exercise makes a difference on every level. I feel better, I look better, it helps keeps the comfort food eating in check.
But I have had no time to do anything since Wednesday, before I got the call from my sister Wednesday night.
I'm not spending all my nights with my dad. There are miracles at work and we have other family members (on my dad's side) who are living with him & taking care of his daily needs. But I'll be spending significant time with him every weekend, which I'm happy about. He may not have many weekends left. And I'm now co-Power of Attorney (with my sister) and I have responsibility for getting his finances figured out.
I'm not sleeping well, so I started taking xanax again to sleep. That makes it hard to wake up in the morning. It's all quite a mess, actually.
Anyway, I'm going to try to leave today at 4 p.m. and either take a body pump class or go running in this gorgeous weather.
I don't have all the answers. I know things could be worse. I know they could be much much better. I'm going to do the best I can. Please pray that I don't end up back at 200 pounds before this is all over with.
***
Vickie, you'd asked a while back when I go to sleep at night. That is a great question and you have zero'd in on a big problem I have. I'm a night owl by nature, & my brain gears up around 9 p.m. and I usually watch TV and do laundry or just vegetate on the couch or read. I go to sleep around 11 p.m. most nights, sometimes later (last night it was almost midnight). Not a good plan for breakfast, eh? It doesn't help that my husband stays up even later than I do. I need an overhaul!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Tuesday update
Man, I've got nothing creative whatsoever to say today, so I'll just give the basics.
I ran/walked a total of 10 miles last week. That's the most I've done since mid August.
I had very little time to workout yesterday, but I didn't let that stop me. I walked a couple laps then ran 2 miles on the indoor track at the Y. I then did 15 pushups (broken into 3 sets) & did situps for a few minutes.
Food has been The Suck. I have not been eating breakfast regularly. I didn't eat anything this morning until 10 a.m. Bad, bad, bad.
I went shopping Saturday at one of the nice thrift stores in town. I refuse to spend $$$ on bigger clothes, but I have to have clothes that fit. I can't magic these 8-10 pounds off my body over night, so the solution was to buy new second-hand clothes. I found a great pair of black pants, size 10. Found a brand new pair of Limited "the suit" wool pants, with tags on ($98 on the tag, at that) for $6. These were a 12, but they are a bit baggy & my skinny weight Limited pants are 10s, so I was okay with the 12s. I found a few other pieces that were all size 10s. Monday I wore the black pants & felt so much better about the way I looked. It sucks to gain weight, but it sucks more to wear tight clothes that just emphasize to you & everyone else that you've gained weight.
I realize, of course, that buying bigger clothes sizes & not feeling horribly distressed about it could be a very dangerous thing. I'm not happy that I'm in bigger sizes; but I'm not destroyed right now. Of course, it helps ease my guilt a little, knowing that I only spent $35 and got 2 dresses, 2 skirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a Talbots shirt.
I know the weight gain has to stop. I don't have my head in the sand. I weighed yesterday & I weighed today (159.2 and 158.8, respectively). It's not out of control yet. I've got the YMCA group exercise schedule, and my goal is to do two Body Pump classes a week. I'll run/walk several other days a week. For me, I think weight training is a major missing link in my fitness & body image. I loved having firm muscles last year. I want that back.
It's a start at least.
Now, if I can just do that one simple thing of eating breakfast every day, maybe I'll have a shot.
I ran/walked a total of 10 miles last week. That's the most I've done since mid August.
I had very little time to workout yesterday, but I didn't let that stop me. I walked a couple laps then ran 2 miles on the indoor track at the Y. I then did 15 pushups (broken into 3 sets) & did situps for a few minutes.
Food has been The Suck. I have not been eating breakfast regularly. I didn't eat anything this morning until 10 a.m. Bad, bad, bad.
I went shopping Saturday at one of the nice thrift stores in town. I refuse to spend $$$ on bigger clothes, but I have to have clothes that fit. I can't magic these 8-10 pounds off my body over night, so the solution was to buy new second-hand clothes. I found a great pair of black pants, size 10. Found a brand new pair of Limited "the suit" wool pants, with tags on ($98 on the tag, at that) for $6. These were a 12, but they are a bit baggy & my skinny weight Limited pants are 10s, so I was okay with the 12s. I found a few other pieces that were all size 10s. Monday I wore the black pants & felt so much better about the way I looked. It sucks to gain weight, but it sucks more to wear tight clothes that just emphasize to you & everyone else that you've gained weight.
I realize, of course, that buying bigger clothes sizes & not feeling horribly distressed about it could be a very dangerous thing. I'm not happy that I'm in bigger sizes; but I'm not destroyed right now. Of course, it helps ease my guilt a little, knowing that I only spent $35 and got 2 dresses, 2 skirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a Talbots shirt.
I know the weight gain has to stop. I don't have my head in the sand. I weighed yesterday & I weighed today (159.2 and 158.8, respectively). It's not out of control yet. I've got the YMCA group exercise schedule, and my goal is to do two Body Pump classes a week. I'll run/walk several other days a week. For me, I think weight training is a major missing link in my fitness & body image. I loved having firm muscles last year. I want that back.
It's a start at least.
Now, if I can just do that one simple thing of eating breakfast every day, maybe I'll have a shot.
Friday, September 18, 2009
There may be hope after all
Thank you all for your encouragement. I should know by now I can spill my ugly guts & you all will still be nothing but supportive.
Clearly I have not reacquired my 200 pound body. I have not had to buy new clothes (but it's getting close). My body is closer to the weight I've been the majority of my life. The 145-151 pound range is the anomaly here. Not 158.
And at 158 I've got the body of someone you see as the "before" shot on the P90X commercials. Not horrible, I grant you. But obviously there's room for lots of improvement. If you believe in the BMI, I'm "overweight" at anything above 149.
And I feel overweight right now. I AM overweight right now. I'm eating like I'm overweight. I'm not exercising enough. It's the same old slippery slope all over again.
The crap of it is, I've got no energy to deal with it right now. Jill's right. I've got to just hang on to what I can, maintain, not go nutso with the food (I have not succumbed to powdered sugar donuts or DQ blizzards, so there's still hope), and run when I can.
I did run yesterday. It was kind of neat actually. I just couldn't start out running. I was so tired, feeling so out of shape. So I walked a quick mile--about 14:30 min/mile according to Garmin. Then I felt like I could run. Well, jog actually. Mile 2 was around 12 mins. Then I walked the 3rd mile again. Then I ran the 4th mile.
Funny thing about that 4th mile. I did it in 10:30.
Huh. Slow down to go faster. There's a novel idea.
If I didn't have to pick up the kids from day care, I could have kept going another 4 miles, easy. I barely felt winded, tired, bored, or otherwise. I felt energized. I haven't felt like that in a long time.
During the 1st mile it hit me like a Mack truck that I could do this half marathon in October if I walked a good portion of it. I could alternate miles or half miles, whatever I felt like. I know I can run 6.5 miles. I know I can walk 6.5 miles. I can put them together and do the half. It won't be fast, but at least it won't be a total loss. I do have to get some miles on the bod between now and October 11, but I've got enough time that I won't hurt myself if I just slow it down.
Obviously I reserve the right to change my mind at any time & bow the hell out of this thing, but for now it's back on and the t-shirt I pick up on October 9th will at least mean something to me if I show up on October 11. What? You don't think I'd pay $55 and not get the free stuff, do you? I'm getting the free stuff no matter what.
In other news.... Sophie woke up this morning with a dizzy spell, but I gave her an ativan & ibuprofen and within 90 minutes it was gone. GONE! I think we have found the magic medicine combination for this girl. I took her to school only an hour & a half late. Mark is starting to feel better, after 12 days of having the flu. He's no where near 100%, but at least he's not struggling to talk and breathe at the same time.
My dad's ALS is getting much worse, very quickly. I haven't seen him for quite a while, but we email each other, which is better anyway because his speech is nearly unintelligible. We were all supposed to see him the Sunday before his birthday, which was the day before Labor Day. He had to cancel because he'd had other family (his wife's) up that weekend and was exhausted by Sunday night. It was an intervention from God, because Mark woke up that Monday with the flu. My dad would not survive a respiratory infection.
The kids start swim lessons tomorrow again. Sophie is at the top level - Shark - & Luke will take his first swim lesson ever. He really got used to the water this summer, in his floaty vest of course. I'm so excited to see them both in the pool at the same time.
It's coming on fall. I love the cooler temps and gorgeous leaves, but hate the lack of sunlight. I am going to start using my SAD lamp soon, or else I'm going to be in trouble.
Clearly I have not reacquired my 200 pound body. I have not had to buy new clothes (but it's getting close). My body is closer to the weight I've been the majority of my life. The 145-151 pound range is the anomaly here. Not 158.
And at 158 I've got the body of someone you see as the "before" shot on the P90X commercials. Not horrible, I grant you. But obviously there's room for lots of improvement. If you believe in the BMI, I'm "overweight" at anything above 149.
And I feel overweight right now. I AM overweight right now. I'm eating like I'm overweight. I'm not exercising enough. It's the same old slippery slope all over again.
The crap of it is, I've got no energy to deal with it right now. Jill's right. I've got to just hang on to what I can, maintain, not go nutso with the food (I have not succumbed to powdered sugar donuts or DQ blizzards, so there's still hope), and run when I can.
I did run yesterday. It was kind of neat actually. I just couldn't start out running. I was so tired, feeling so out of shape. So I walked a quick mile--about 14:30 min/mile according to Garmin. Then I felt like I could run. Well, jog actually. Mile 2 was around 12 mins. Then I walked the 3rd mile again. Then I ran the 4th mile.
Funny thing about that 4th mile. I did it in 10:30.
Huh. Slow down to go faster. There's a novel idea.
If I didn't have to pick up the kids from day care, I could have kept going another 4 miles, easy. I barely felt winded, tired, bored, or otherwise. I felt energized. I haven't felt like that in a long time.
During the 1st mile it hit me like a Mack truck that I could do this half marathon in October if I walked a good portion of it. I could alternate miles or half miles, whatever I felt like. I know I can run 6.5 miles. I know I can walk 6.5 miles. I can put them together and do the half. It won't be fast, but at least it won't be a total loss. I do have to get some miles on the bod between now and October 11, but I've got enough time that I won't hurt myself if I just slow it down.
Obviously I reserve the right to change my mind at any time & bow the hell out of this thing, but for now it's back on and the t-shirt I pick up on October 9th will at least mean something to me if I show up on October 11. What? You don't think I'd pay $55 and not get the free stuff, do you? I'm getting the free stuff no matter what.
In other news.... Sophie woke up this morning with a dizzy spell, but I gave her an ativan & ibuprofen and within 90 minutes it was gone. GONE! I think we have found the magic medicine combination for this girl. I took her to school only an hour & a half late. Mark is starting to feel better, after 12 days of having the flu. He's no where near 100%, but at least he's not struggling to talk and breathe at the same time.
My dad's ALS is getting much worse, very quickly. I haven't seen him for quite a while, but we email each other, which is better anyway because his speech is nearly unintelligible. We were all supposed to see him the Sunday before his birthday, which was the day before Labor Day. He had to cancel because he'd had other family (his wife's) up that weekend and was exhausted by Sunday night. It was an intervention from God, because Mark woke up that Monday with the flu. My dad would not survive a respiratory infection.
The kids start swim lessons tomorrow again. Sophie is at the top level - Shark - & Luke will take his first swim lesson ever. He really got used to the water this summer, in his floaty vest of course. I'm so excited to see them both in the pool at the same time.
It's coming on fall. I love the cooler temps and gorgeous leaves, but hate the lack of sunlight. I am going to start using my SAD lamp soon, or else I'm going to be in trouble.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
If you can't say something nice
Sometimes it's easier to just be quiet in blog land when things aren't going well in real life.
So I haven't got much to say.
Mark is still sick. I'm still stressed.
Life keeps throwing me daily curve balls.
I'm still waiting for a break.
My kids are healthy. I'm healthy. I supposed that's as much break as I'm going to get right now, & I ought to be thankful for it.
The highlight of my week has been The Biggest Loser premier, which was wonderful (even though teary). I'm really looking forward to this season. I hope it provides some inspiration so I can kick myself in the (getting bigger every day) behind.
Seriously, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning & thought "I'm no longer an after. I'm a before."
So see? I just better shut my bloggy mouth right there.
Better to say nothing at all.
So I haven't got much to say.
Mark is still sick. I'm still stressed.
Life keeps throwing me daily curve balls.
I'm still waiting for a break.
My kids are healthy. I'm healthy. I supposed that's as much break as I'm going to get right now, & I ought to be thankful for it.
The highlight of my week has been The Biggest Loser premier, which was wonderful (even though teary). I'm really looking forward to this season. I hope it provides some inspiration so I can kick myself in the (getting bigger every day) behind.
Seriously, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning & thought "I'm no longer an after. I'm a before."
So see? I just better shut my bloggy mouth right there.
Better to say nothing at all.
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