I hit it. On Monday, January 3rd, 2011.
We'd had a wonderful weekend away as a family in Nashville, TN, celebrating the new year downtown & then spending the weekend at the fabulous Opryland Hotel. I couldn't wear my Levi's that I brought with me--how'd they get so tight?--so I was stuck in one pair of jeans & one pair of dress pants that require Spanx pantyhose. I was wearing a coat a lot of the time, so I wasn't really hyper aware of my clothing. I just tried to ignore it. I didn't bother bringing a swim suit for the pool. Mark took the kids swimming while I cleaned up the room on the last day of our stay. I'd planned that before we even left home.
Then Monday morning, when it was time for work, I tried on some dress pants that I'd worn a couple weeks before--I'd been wearing the same stretchy jeans pretty much every day for the few days I worked at the office over the holidays, so I hadn't put on these dress pants for at least 2 weeks--and I could zip them & pull them up, but they looked horrible. And my back fat was BACK, in force. And my shirts didn't cover anything up.
I was desperate. Size 12s are the biggest size I have. But I can't wear my 12s. What do I do?
From the dark, untouched and unloved back of the closet, I pulled out "The Before" jeans.
The size 16s that my size 8 body used to prance around in and say "look how big these jeans are! Wow, I can't believe I used to wear these humongous things." Those jeans.
They fit. Well, they are big on me, but not that big. They are comfortable on my body, but they made me sick to my stomach.
I walked around all day Monday in a fog. A post-vacation fog, because I'd had two really great weeks with my kids and husband, and a depressed "how did I let this happen to ME?" fog.
Before the New Year I had already realized I was in big trouble & I needed to DO something for real this time. We went to see "True Grit" the Tuesday before Christmas, and there is a scene where Jeff Bridges as Rooster Cogburn is passed out on a cot in the backroom of a Chinese man's shop. Mattie Ross comes in to get Rooster to help her avenge her father's murder, but Rooster is worthless, hungover from his alcohol binge the night before. She's disgusted with him, tells him she'd believed all the stories of his true grit, but all he showed her was what a drunkard he was.
That scene, for some God given reason, hit me in the gut--I am Rooster Cogburn.
Oh, there's talk that I'm a half-marathon runner & I lost 55 pounds a few years ago, and I am an inspiration to many women just like me. I play with my kids in pools & the backyard, and I'm comfortable and happy in social situations. My husband thinks I'm sexy and I love to shop for cute clothes. I'm pretty, normal, and fit in with the fit moms at the pool in the summer time.
But the harsh reality is--I'm a sugar addict. I've been binging on sugar for the past year or so, and it's caught up with me. On more than one occasion I've snapped at my kids because I was deep in the sugar & wanted to stay there, but they insisted on needing my attention so I got angry at them. The day I yelled at Sophie for something stupid, and made her upset for two hours while I slept in my bedroom because I was "tired" but I was really sleeping off a sugar coma--that day was the tipping point. I didn't know it was the tipping point, because I hadn't seen "True Grit" yet.
But when I saw that scene in the movie just a few days after my sugar-rage, I knew deep in my bones I have a serious problem.
I've danced around this before. The Potatoes Not Prozac book. The Crack the Fat Loss Code diet. SouthBeach. Atkins. Any time I eat like those diets say to eat, I feel better. I look better. I lose weight.
Before New Year's weekend, I searched online for something else. Something that could help me FIX what's wrong with me, not just another diet.
I found this book online & downloaded it so I can read it on my Kindle. I also ordered her workbook & CD's on Becoming Binge Free. I found Jill's name (of the Sassy Pear) in the Introduction of the workbook, as a friend & fellow blogger of the author, so I knew I must be on the right track, 'cause Jill & I are like peas & carrots. :-)
And since Monday I've been journaling my food, my weight, my emotions. I've been eating sugar free since Monday night. I'm eating some fruit, some carbs, but I'm being very careful to watch how the carbs make me feel. Do they create sugar cravings after I eat them? So far I'm doing OK.
And I walked/ran outside yesterday for the first time since my Dad's funeral. It was brisk and the sun was setting in a blue sky, and when I ran, I felt free.
I know this isn't a GO PERFECT OR GO HOME deal. I'm going to fail. But I will just start again.
It's January. Gosh darn it, there's a reason people make resolutions & feel like there's a clean slate at the beginning of the year. Because December sucks the life out of you, that's why. If you can't declare New Life in January, you might as well lay down & die with the dried out Christmas trees.
I'm not lying down to die. Nope. I'm back on the horse, yet again. One more time. Maybe it will stick this time a little longer than the last. I hope so. I'm ready to get the old new me back again.