Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Rock bottom... bottom

Apparently rock bottom was, in fact, not the bottom.

Friday night we went out with a group of friends & had a great time. I was feeling that Friday "high" the Western world gets the day before the weekend. I've felt down so much lately, & feeling UP was heady. We went to a local pizza place, & I had two drinks, & felt giddy. I laughed & had fun. I ate breadsticks & pizza, just like everyone else.

The next day, I felt rotten. I ate too much all day Saturday, and felt the sugar affects in my mood & my bloated body. And the SAD impact was horrible.

Saturday night we took the kids to play indoor golf, & my size 16 jeans weren't loose. They fit. I'd just washed & dried them, so they were doing that "fresh from the dryer, tighter than usual" thing, but still. I started crying & had to stop myself because we were getting ready to leave. I felt horrible all night, but had to make myself have fun because it was our family time. And I love, love, love my husband & my kids. But I don't love myself right now. So I was faking it a good part of the night.

Sunday I could not get out of bed. Sunday morning I felt crushed under the weight (no pun intended) of it all.

I teach Sunday School to the 2 & 3 year olds (which I love doing--they are precious, fun kiddos) and I couldn't make myself get out of bed to do something I love & see children I love.

I wanted to crawl in a hole & stay there until... until.... well, I guess until the sun came out or I melted away to next to nothing. I guess I didn't think about the "until" very much. I just wanted a deep dark hole to crawl in and stay in.

So I did. My husband let me stay home Sunday morning & taught my class for me. Whether or not this was love or enabling, I don't know. But he knows me well enough to know when I say I can't, I can't.

I stayed in bed most of the day. I slept, I watched TV. I ate. I came out in the evening to hang out with Mark & the kids & watch football & eat dinner from Papa Johns (more breadsticks, more pizza).

Then Monday was MLK Day & the stock market was closed, so we stayed home from work. I felt better yesterday morning. I didn't need a hole to crawl in at least. I slept late, but when I got up I was productive. I did laundry & cleaned the kitchen. I also got a bath & walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, and stretched & did some crunches. Then we took the kids to the children's museum, and we all had fun together. I ate better. No pizza, ha. I wasn't perfect but I did keep the junk food out at least.

Last night I did more laundry (it. never. ends.) and watched some TV. I cleaned out my workout clothes drawer & packed away my size Mediums to make room for my size Larges. I got my weights out from under the bed & did some arm work. I haven't done that in ages. It felt good. At least it was SOMETHING.

This morning, I thought I better weigh because I hadn't in a while. I had already had my coffee & breakfast, and I normally only weigh "empty" (which I know Vickie has a strong opinion against, & I'm sure she's right--empty doesn't paint the real picture for most of Us).

So I wasn't empty. But I sure didn't eat an 8 pound breakfast.

I weighed 179.0

That, ladies, is the precipice for me. 180 is beyond what I can wrap my head around. It's The Weight that I hit when I'd been on prozac in my mid-twenties & gained 40 pounds in one year--the weight that made me miserable for a decade. The weight that I swore I'd never see again.

And now I'm one freaking pound away from it.

I felt so helpless & hopeless this morning. More "why am I like this?" and "how am I ever going to lose this weight?" and "where's that hole I can crawl back into?"

But, it does help to write out the past four days & SEE what I ate & how I behaved. So I can SEE the WHY behind 179 pounds.

It's not pretty. No wonder I gained weight. TV, Pizza, Sloth. That would put weight on Twiggy.

So. I have no idea where that leaves me, other than I'm not giving up. I need to go to the thrift store & buy some size 14 clothes. I have nothing to wear, but I'm not spending a lot of money on clothing I don't plan to be in for long. I need to stop watching so darn much TV (I'm hooked on Battlestar Gallactica on Netflix Ondemand--it's like a novel you can't put down). I need to find the "magic" from 2007 that gave me the consistency I needed to lose 50 pounds in 7 months. I need to get my head out of this self-inflicted hole in the ground & DO something about this.

Today, that means blogging. And hopefully going to the gym at 3 p.m. today. Then, finding the next step & the next & the next.

I'll be here again soon. It's my lifeline right now. I've tied a knot & I'm holding on. I don't want to fall any further.


Jill said...

Oh girl. How I feel your pain. Why is it that even though we live hundreds of miles apart, your weight mirrors mine? How is it that we always seem to be up together or down together? My weight yesterday was 182. Lovely. So yeah, I get you.Totally.

Anyway, so I'm thinking that maybe we need to reinstate the accountability texting thing we used to do. Maybe we could pledge to have a "panic button" thing for each other?

You are on the right track though, I think. And Karly always says that things will get messy for a bit - maybe this is the messy part? Keep exercising, keep tracking, keep doing what you know you should do. It will pay off, eventually. In just a few short weeks, the sun will be out again and you'll start to feel better. :)

Laura I. (G.G.) said...

Hope you made it to the gym this afternoon!

I've been having issues with eating what I shouldn't when I'm not hungry. Mostly good days, but the bad days wipe out the good.

It's soooo hard. But you've done it before, and you can do it again. I swear.

THinking about you--hope things get better!

Laura I. (G.G.) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vickie said...

You said -
"I'm hooked on Battlestar Gallactica on Netflix Ondemand--it's like a novel you can't put down"

I am suggesting -
if you truly are hooked, USE IT - only watch while on the treadmill. And don't watch any TV at all if you are not on the treadmill, with a decent speed.

And when you say 'the next day, I felt rotten' - was this emotionally (more) or physically (more)? I realize it was bits of both, but which was the stronger feeling? And if you made a list of 'the rottens' (whether physical or emotional) what would be on each side of that list?

It is the AFTER that determines our long term progression. It isn't the Friday night. It is the Saturday morning.

Cindy...154 said...

I have been going back and reading my own blog from when I was losing in the beginning. It is very helpful. Maybe you can do the same. I needed to remind myself that I can do this. I know you feel discouraged but it is temporary. Hang in there and keep blogging. Even if it is just a sentence or two. It helps. It really does.

Jodie said...

Wish we lived closer!

First - good job for posting. That takes a lot of courage. Putting it all out there, even admiting that you feel that way is huge.

We have all been there (several times.) Its recognizing it and realizeing you don't want to be there. Then doing something about it.

I love when you update, I always feel like your posts could be mine. You can get back to your 2008 body. You will get back there. And you will find your happiness again.

Keep posting.

jen said...

I've been reading but haven't commented much lately but I felt too sad for you when I read this not to respond. Your weight may not be where you want it to be, but that does not make you worthless, lazy, or any of the other negative things I see you write about yourself. I think like me, you tend to use weight as a "designated issue" to store all your negative feelings. I have been listening to a podcast called "Inside Out Weight Loss" that I think you might find really helpful in digging out the issues that leave you stuck in the same old struggle with 20 or so pounds.

I'm still working on the weight loss but trying to leave the drama behind.