Thursday, January 13, 2011

Untitled Thursday

I've been listening to the CD's I got from Karly Randolph Pitman, that I received as part of her Growing Human Kindness program. Holy cow. Powerful stuff. I'm listening in the car & not getting to do all the workbook exercises yet. I'm learning more about my sugar addiction and food issues than I ever have.

I feel like I've had the "SHOULD" information on how to lose weight for years--what I should be doing to get healthy & stop bingeing. With her program, I fee like I'm finally getting some of the answers to why I haven't been able to Just Do It.

It's late & I don't have much time, so I won't go into the details right now. But I will tell you that I've learned that when I was running, I wasn't just burning calories and keeping my weight off. I was filling a deep need I have for many things--serotonin, self-love, and me-time, for starters. When I stopped running, my needs didn't go away; I just started taking care of them with food again.

I guess this might not be revolutionary on the surface. What IS revolutionary, for me, is hearing someone put into words the EXACT things I say to myself & think to myself every day.

Just this morning, I was lying on my bathroom floor, crying & having a mini-breakdown (yeah, my SAD is in high gear right now) and I kept saying to myself, "why am I so broken? why can't I fix this? why do I have to feel like this?" A couple of hours later, after I'd pulled myself together & gotten ready for work, I was in the car listening to her CD, and she used the words "broken, fixed, & why" over & over in the same context I was feeling them this morning--and she had remarkable things to say about WHY I'M NOT BROKEN. I can't really express it clearly. But it was powerful. And I want to learn more.

She also talks about why sugar cravings build & build until they are unstoppable. Which is what happened to me last night. I've been doing well. Weighed 171.8 yesterday morning. Staying away from junk food. Not eating at night. Then last night, after several unmet needs got pushed down & awful season affective disorder feelings washed over & through me, I just gave in. It was a release. It felt wonderful just to let go.

Then, of course, 15 minutes later I felt remorse & cried & got mad at myself. But thankfully, something's sinking in because I didn't continue to eat in the middle of night, and this morning I went right back to a healthy breakfast. Today my food has been okay, too. And I don't feel the urge to eat sugar. Not at the moment anyway.

And right now, I'm cherishing those moments.

I cannot express how much I need winter to be over. Anybody on the East coast surely feels the same, only about ten times as much, I'm sure, with all the snow you've gotten. Every day closer to March 1st is a day closer to freedom for me. The sky was still light at 5 p.m. tonight. A sign of better days to come.

5 comments:

Cindy...154 said...

I was hoping you would post soon. That CD sounds like what you need. It makes sense. I started putting myself on the back burner in 2009 when I found out I was losing my job and 2010 was just plain crazy. I am getting centered again and laying a foundation. First things first and all that good stuff. I am so glad to hear from you. WE can do this!

Vickie said...

great post
and I noticed it was lighter yesterday too. sun reflecting off all the snow can be seen as a positive part of winter. makes the cloudiness of winter a bit brighter.

Jill said...

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!

She has a way of putting into words the exact things I feel, but cannot say. I am so glad you are getting something out of her CDs. I knew you would be a perfect fit for her stuff!!

You are doing fine, honey. Just hang in there and keep going. You are perfect and beautiful just the way you are, and you have everything you need to succeed inside you right now. It just needs to be brought to the surface. You'll get there. I know you will.
xoxox

Laura I. (G.G.) said...

Spring will come! Hang in there! (Might have to check out that CD).

(Btw--my word verification is "chipper." What are the odds?)

jojo said...

Hi Laura...I'm careful not to let the "woo-woo" factor into my life too much (:::insert creepy Twilight Zone theme here:::) but the fact that the Universe conspires to give us what we need can't be denied...you listened to the part of the CD you needed exactly when you needed it; I just "happened" upon your blog at the right time, and so it goes...there's a lot of comfort there! I'll be following you!