Untitled Thursday

I've been listening to the CD's I got from Karly Randolph Pitman, that I received as part of her Growing Human Kindness program. Holy cow. Powerful stuff. I'm listening in the car & not getting to do all the workbook exercises yet. I'm learning more about my sugar addiction and food issues than I ever have.

I feel like I've had the "SHOULD" information on how to lose weight for years--what I should be doing to get healthy & stop bingeing. With her program, I fee like I'm finally getting some of the answers to why I haven't been able to Just Do It.

It's late & I don't have much time, so I won't go into the details right now. But I will tell you that I've learned that when I was running, I wasn't just burning calories and keeping my weight off. I was filling a deep need I have for many things--serotonin, self-love, and me-time, for starters. When I stopped running, my needs didn't go away; I just started taking care of them with food again.

I guess this might not be revolutionary on the surface. What IS revolutionary, for me, is hearing someone put into words the EXACT things I say to myself & think to myself every day.

Just this morning, I was lying on my bathroom floor, crying & having a mini-breakdown (yeah, my SAD is in high gear right now) and I kept saying to myself, "why am I so broken? why can't I fix this? why do I have to feel like this?" A couple of hours later, after I'd pulled myself together & gotten ready for work, I was in the car listening to her CD, and she used the words "broken, fixed, & why" over & over in the same context I was feeling them this morning--and she had remarkable things to say about WHY I'M NOT BROKEN. I can't really express it clearly. But it was powerful. And I want to learn more.

She also talks about why sugar cravings build & build until they are unstoppable. Which is what happened to me last night. I've been doing well. Weighed 171.8 yesterday morning. Staying away from junk food. Not eating at night. Then last night, after several unmet needs got pushed down & awful season affective disorder feelings washed over & through me, I just gave in. It was a release. It felt wonderful just to let go.

Then, of course, 15 minutes later I felt remorse & cried & got mad at myself. But thankfully, something's sinking in because I didn't continue to eat in the middle of night, and this morning I went right back to a healthy breakfast. Today my food has been okay, too. And I don't feel the urge to eat sugar. Not at the moment anyway.

And right now, I'm cherishing those moments.

I cannot express how much I need winter to be over. Anybody on the East coast surely feels the same, only about ten times as much, I'm sure, with all the snow you've gotten. Every day closer to March 1st is a day closer to freedom for me. The sky was still light at 5 p.m. tonight. A sign of better days to come.