Monday, August 25, 2008

155.0 - The funk that will not die

I don't know the why, but I know the what-- I am in a deep dark funk that just will not lift. It's not situational. Things aren't falling apart in my life. It's chemical, as in my brain and hormones aren't playing nice.

I've been here many, many times in my life. After all, I started taking antidepressants in my mid 20s, and if they'd existed in my teens I'd have probably been put on them then, too. The funk feeling is so strange, like I'm covered over, pushed down, moving through murky water on a planet with an extra shot of gravity.

It's not so bad that I can't function. I can feed the kids, do laundry, clean the kitchen, read a book, watch TV, let the dog outside. I can shower & get myself done up for church and work. I can converse with my children, husband, friends, clients.

There have been times in my life when I couldn't do all that--a bed and a book was the best I could manage. This isn't one of those times, and I'm assuming it's only because I'm taking an antidepressant right now.

But what I can't do is take care of myself in a way that enables me to lose weight and feel good about my food choices. And I can't make myself exercise on the weekends because it requires more effort than I can muster to change my clothes and put on my running shoes. (This doesn't apply to weekdays, generally, because during the week it's JUST ME. When it's JUST ME and no kids or husband, I've got it in me [usually] to just push through and do the right thing. And I always feel better afterwards.)

I know all the things I should be doing--working out, getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy foods and not the sugar & carbs my serotonin-poor brain is craving, and being gentle with myself. I know that even though I've gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks, that it will come off (again) eventually, when I can get back into the good food grove. I know that this is temporary, and my brain and hormones will do whatever they do sooner or later and get me back to "normal," and I will no longer feel like a vacant lot with weeds growing all over it.

But.

Until then.

This bites.

12 comments:

Vickie said...

did you call whoever prescribed the anti d's to let them know???

I wonder if you need to have your level boosted gently/slightly - ???

I feel your funk - been there many times too - and it sucks.

keep writing.

Jill said...

Aw, girl that just plain bites. I hate that "funky" feeling. I think Vickie is right, you need to let your doc know that the happy chemicals aren't so happy anymore. =(

Hang in there sister - it will get better.

L.G. said...

I think Vickie is right. I also think you're applying too much pressure on yourself to be THIS good, with FOOD and with EXERCISE and THIS and THAT.

May I be presumptious and say, maybe you shouldn't try to lose weight this week? Just maintain and just concentrate on feeling better. Losing weight is nice but it's nicer to feel better.

I guess I'm saying, just think about ways to make you feel better like sleep, and exercise and worry about the food later.

I was talking to someone at work and she was saying she finds it hard to take care of herself and by that, she meant if she had a headache, she felt like she wouldn't stop to take an Advil. She just doesn't think to take care of herself -- we don't think it's because she doesn't deserve it but something more insidious. Anyway, I'm so sorry you're down and I wish I could do something to cheer you up. lots of hugs....

MCM Mama said...

{{{HUGS}}} I've been there, so I totally sympathize. Hang in there and maybe check with your doc about the levels of your anti depressants. And the weight will come off eventually, so cut yourself some slack for a bit on that front.

Heather said...

aw, hang in there. Ive been there too, in that funk, and it does suck. but you can get yourself out of it, I know you can. it may seem like you cant, but little by little just focus on what you can do each day, even if its not everything youd like to.

Cyndi said...

I agree with all of the above! You may need a little boost in the meds to get you over the hump. Because then the fog will clear and you will easily come back to the place where you can focus on your well-being.

Hang in there....'this too shall pass'.

debbyweighsin said...

{{{HUGS}}} to you Laura. You are one of my biggest exercise inspirations. I thought of you today when I was taking my hike!

I'll keep you in my prayers.

G.G. said...

I hear you. When you get it all figured out, let me know what the solution is:-)

Marcy said...

((((HUGS))) Chica! Hang in there. It DOES suck, but you'll get out :-)

Jodie said...

Did I just write this post? This sounds all to familiar. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.

But you know that it WILL get better. Hang in there, we're here for you.

Vickie said...

My phone nurse and my therapist used to have me rate myself.

"On a scale of one to ten with one being the lowest and ten being the highest - how would you rate where you are today?"

See I know it by heart.

This was in the days of "couldn't see the forest for the trees" and answering honestly "I don't know" to everything.

The rating scale was like when you post your scale number at the start of your posting - another means of seeing "where you are".

And I suggest it as I think that might be helpful to you in seeing the bigger picture.

Like if the number stays the same - you are holding your own - yea you!

If it slips and you are getting your sleep and doing things to help yourself and it is STILL going down - then you need quick help (doc/meds). Or if your hormones have had time to work themselves out (PMS) and you are still lower than you would like - then it is probably chemical, etc.

I just suggested this same thing to my son - who was expecting to be further along after ONE week than he was. My husband and I could both SEE that he was getting tons done and making HUGE strides - but he couldn't see the forest for the trees. He has people to eat with at every meal. He has people to shoot hoops/play volleyball in the pool every day. He also has a group to play cards and computer shoot'em'up. (Still hasn't found a pingpong group - but looking.) He has figured out all the schedule changes (dropped one class and lab and added two other classes), book changes too, found some where great to study on the second floor of one of the other dorms, figured out how to live with a roommate, and solved TONS of computer stuff (spell check wasn't working, printer wasn't connecting to lap top, his xbox had to have special permission from the university to be cleared thru filter, and all freshman couldn't get/recieve attachments). But he hasn't found a BUD (like the one he has had here since 1st grade).

And that is what he saw.

Cindy154 said...

boy can I relate....mine is situational and chemical no doubt but it is the same thing. I dreamed I was running through buildings and scaling down walls and getting around people in a strange place, trying to find my way......don't know where I was going but I was trying to find my way out or my way to something. That's how I feel right now. But in the dream at least I was moving, climbing, running, getting through. Like you, now I can get out of bed and do stuff but I still get the feeling, and cannot do as much stuff..and I eat more or eat weird, or don't eat. Thanks for writing about it. Now I don't feel so alone or unique.