I don't know the why, but I know the what-- I am in a deep dark funk that just will not lift. It's not situational. Things aren't falling apart in my life. It's chemical, as in my brain and hormones aren't playing nice.
I've been here many, many times in my life. After all, I started taking antidepressants in my mid 20s, and if they'd existed in my teens I'd have probably been put on them then, too. The funk feeling is so strange, like I'm covered over, pushed down, moving through murky water on a planet with an extra shot of gravity.
It's not so bad that I can't function. I can feed the kids, do laundry, clean the kitchen, read a book, watch TV, let the dog outside. I can shower & get myself done up for church and work. I can converse with my children, husband, friends, clients.
There have been times in my life when I couldn't do all that--a bed and a book was the best I could manage. This isn't one of those times, and I'm assuming it's only because I'm taking an antidepressant right now.
But what I can't do is take care of myself in a way that enables me to lose weight and feel good about my food choices. And I can't make myself exercise on the weekends because it requires more effort than I can muster to change my clothes and put on my running shoes. (This doesn't apply to weekdays, generally, because during the week it's JUST ME. When it's JUST ME and no kids or husband, I've got it in me [usually] to just push through and do the right thing. And I always feel better afterwards.)
I know all the things I should be doing--working out, getting plenty of sleep, eating healthy foods and not the sugar & carbs my serotonin-poor brain is craving, and being gentle with myself. I know that even though I've gained 4 pounds in 2 weeks, that it will come off (again) eventually, when I can get back into the good food grove. I know that this is temporary, and my brain and hormones will do whatever they do sooner or later and get me back to "normal," and I will no longer feel like a vacant lot with weeds growing all over it.