Surgeon today and play pic

In St Louis right now. Meeting with surgeon this morning. Just had
X-rays done on a machine that is low radiation and takes back and side
at the same time. There are only 5 machines in the country. Pretty
cool.

Sophie's play was this weekend. It was wonderful. The best they've
done. She looked beautiful. And so grown up.

What brings you joy? (153.8)

Seems I just have to have a massive brain dump of information on here, and I lighten up considerably. Or else I usually only want to write when I'm in the depths. Probably also because the sun is shining and my hormones aren't being as mean to me today as they were yesterday, I felt much better this morning.


I have been thinking about a question my sponsor asked me last week.

What brings you joy?

I sat like a deer in headlights when she asked. I racked my brain---what do I DO that brings me joy?

Shouldn't I list things like...

Working in my garden (which I do not have)

Painting beautiful landscapes (which I cannot do)

Volunteering to feed the homeless (which I have done several times in my life, but not regularly)

Sailing, hang gliding, mountain climbing, ocean swimming (none of which I can do because I live nowhere near mountains or oceans or cliffs)

...and on and on, the more romantic and etheral, the better. Right?


When we talked, I was having a really off day. SAD was starting and I felt just plain flat. I said things like my family, reading, watching movies, running. But I felt an utter lack at not being able to instantly rattle off a list of JOYtivities.

So after thinking about it for almost a week, I'm writing about them now.

What I came up with...

Spending quality time with my family (although the quality of our time together lately has not been joy-inducing; we need to work on that)

Running and running races (um, so, why aren't I running?!)--guilt, not joy around this one right now, but there's hope in acknowledging that yes, running brings me joy and if I want joy, I need to go running!

Reading. Love love love to read. Joy vicariously through the lives of fictional characters.

Watching movies together as a family (more so at the theater. we watch a lot of movies together at home, and sometimes there's joy, and sometimes it's boring and I read while they watch a movie)

Watching Say Yes to the Dress with Sophie. This has become a weekend favorite for us.

Shopping with Sophie for clothes (which we did yesterday at a consignment shop, and it was great fun for both of us)

Snuggling with my boy. Luke means "light" and that child is a ray of light every time I get near his sweet little self.

Listening to Luke read to me.

Connecting with my husband on a level of friendship and awareness that I only share with him. I'm not talking about sex (although, thankfully, there's still joy there). I'm talking about the fact that he knows me better than anyone else on the planet. Knows me better than I know myself somedays. When I stop and appreciate the relationship that we have--regardless of all the usual issues that are inherent in a 20 year relationship--I am filled with joy. He adores me. I know he adores me. What more can a girl ask for?

I know I can come up with more, and I probably will. But that's all I have time for today.

One thing obviously missing here.... FOOD. A year ago, I'd have listed eating ice cream. And baking cookies. And Thanksgiving pumpkin pie and Christmas chocolate pie. And chocolate.

While it's almost a food, I don't feel bad about adding coffee to the list. Coffee brings me joy, every single morning.

Yes, it's that time of year again (154.2)

I hate this time of year.

Monday and today were cloudy and rainy. The days are much shorter. SAD has descended swiftly and in force.

It's like a switch gets flipped in my brain, and viola! the joy is sucked from my body and soul. My body feels like I've been moved to a planet with an extra dose of gravity. I'm fragile, on the edge of tears or anger or verge of collapsing in a heap of uselessness.

Hormones are also playing a part right now, so I've got a double whammy to deal with.

I write this sitting in front of my SAD light, later in the day than I should be in front of it, but I couldn't get moving this morning to get ready for work and got here late, and my light is at work because it's where I'm more likely to use it regularly. It's very hard to dedicate 30 minutes in the morning at home to just sitting still when mornings are so busy and I usually sleep as long as possible. Ideally I'd have two lights (one for home on mornings like this), but they are $300 so right now, it's one light and it's at work.

A note on sleep: I stopped taking sleep meds about a month ago. For whatever reason, I found that I can get to sleep and mostly stay asleep on my own now. That was not the case previously. I did have many, many sleepless nights before I started taking xanax and later trazedone to sleep. I talked about it being an issue every time I met with my nurse practitioner who prescribes my meds. Whatever the reason, I'm thankful I am sleeping okay and not drugged in the morning.

I read a Bible verse this morning in a devotional that offers some comfort:
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name;
you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames
will not set you ablaze" (Isaiah 43:1-2).

It doesn't say "when you pass through the mud," but I can extrapolate to that metaphor and take comfort in what God is telling me through Isaiah.

I am also eating more, which happens when I feel like this. And still not running. I know I can and will turn things around soon. Mark has been unavailable to help with the house or kids for the last month because of a big church project, which wraps up this Saturday. He and I are going to work out a schedule so I can take more time for me (and he for himself), starting next week.

I already feel better just writing all this out and having sat in front of my light for 40 minutes.


Regarding Sophie & the chiropractor:
She had a neurological exam by the functional neurologist chiropractor (Dr. Shaun) last Friday. Neuro exam involves such things as closing your eyes & touching your nose with your pinkies, closing your eyes & reaching out your arms in front of you & lifting your knees high, resisting push/pull on your legs and arms, flopping your hands back and forth over & over on your lap. Sophie had trouble with them all.

The doctor found that she has significant right side weakness. I watched as she couldn't keep her balance during the knee lifts, had trouble finding her nose with her pinkies, had trouble keeping a steady rythm with her hands, couldn't resist push/pull with much strength. He thinks she has left brain damage in her cortex and cerabellum.

He asked if she'd had head trauma in the last year. No, I said, but she was in a car wreck in April 2011. The impact was on the front passenger side, she was in the drivers side back seat. Her head would have been thrown to the left. A light bulb went off for the doctor and for us, realizing that the accident did more than give her a chest contusion (bruise that was found on a CT scan in the ER after the wreck).

He said the wreck could have also caused trauma in the myofacial tissue in her spine, which could have exacerbated the scoliosis to progress so quickly. The doctors we've talked to have all been shocked or disbelieving it moved from nothing (or next to nothing) at her 2012 checkup to a 50 degree S curve in a little over a year. The theory that the accident accelerated (or caused) the scoliosis helps explain the rapidity of the movement. He asked for a copy of the CT scan from the ER, so he could look at her spine and see where it was then. I gave it to them Monday, so we'll see what they find.

They are using cold laser treatment on her to strengthen the neurons, and she is responding very well. I watched it happen. The doctor put the laser on her abdomen and head, and she was able to resist his push/pull on her legs. She could feel her strength improve, too. He is confident we can retrain her neurons to reconnect.

Lest anyone think they are taking me for a ride to make money off of us--because insurance will only pay for her adjustments and nothing else--the wife part of the team (Dr. Amber) is picking up the cost of her husband's treatments. She knows we aren't in a position to pay them right now, and she doesn't care. She just wants to help Sophie get better. (This makes me tear up everytime I think of it. While it might be surprising, when I put it in context for what WE do for our clients--which is put them first, regardless of whether or how much money we make--it isn't surprising at all. There are still decent, generous people in this world.)

Amber is also discounting Sophie's orthopedic inserts from $500 to $200. They scanned her feet at Friday's appointment, and her arches are collapsed. She has no arch in her right foot, and only a little arch in her left. Amber also put a lift in Sophie's left shoe to get her body weight to shift to the right, because the scoliosis is throwing her hips off balance. Amber weighed her on two scales, and Sophie is carrying 8-10 pounds more on her left side.

They are not telling me to cancel our surgeon appointment. They think (hope) it's possible to reverse her scoliosis enough that we can avoid surgery, but they are not arrogant enough to know they can. We are moving forward with everything surgery wise, simply hoping that even if she has to have surgery, her spine will be in as good as shape as we can possibly make it. Best case scenario is the xrays the surgeon and chiropractors will take will show improvement. Worst case, she doesn't improve by the time of the surgery, or it gets worse, and we still have surgery. Either way, she's going to be okay.

Sophie update & how I'm doing (153.2)

Update on Sophie:
We see the surgeon in St Louis on 9/30. His name is Keith Bridwell. Based on his website and case studies, I feel really good about his abilities.

This case study looks simliar to Sophie's spine. Case Study

We saw a chiropractor Monday. She was referred to me by a guy in our office who had mild scoliosis as a child, which didn't require surgery. He's been seeing her for almost 20 years. She helps keep his body in line, because he has pain when he gets out of whack.

I called her last week to make an appointment, mostly because I can't stand to do nothing while we wait for the surgery. And also because I believe Sophie needs more than just surgery. She needs comprehensive care for her whole body. She's been out of whack for at least a year. And the time to get her straightened out is while she's young and healthy.

I asked to talk to the doctor to explain Sophie's condition and see if it was worth the time to see her. She talked to me for 20 minutes. I emailed her a pic of Sophie's xray. She talked with her husband (who is also a chiropractor) about Sophie over the weekend. They formulated a plan of care before we had our first appointment. (Cynical part of me realizes they will make a lot of money off of her so of course they formulated a plan, but the mom in me is just thankful these doctors spent time figuring out how they could help her.)

The chiropractor isn't meant to keep her from having surgery. The treatments will help her spine and muscles around her spine become more flexible and pliable. She worked on a young girl recently who had to have surgery. They were able to make some improvements, but not enough to avoid surgery. I expect we'll see the same with Sophie. At the very least, hopefully we can keep it from getting worse.

The doc has no idea if we can reverse anything. Her lumbar curve (lower back) isn't as nasty as the thorasic curve (upper back). If we can make her lumbar spine supple and make any possible correction, then possibly the doctor can fuse her lumbar spine at a higher point, which will allow her more movement. His website specifically addresses his approach to staying as high as possible on the lumbar spine.

We are seeing her for adjustments (and xrays and possible laser treatment--I have no idea yet what that involves) and her husband for neurological treatment (again, still don't fully understand what that involves; we meet with him Thursday) and for shoe inserts. He has a scanner & can do custom (thin) inserts.

Vickie, you'll be happy about the shoe inserts! Sophie's arches and ankles fall in pretty significantly. I have known for a while she needs something done for her feet. Even after the surgery is done, we will need to make sure her feet/knees/hips stay in alignment. I'm thankful the doctors are providing a comprehensive approach.

It's going to be intensive treatment. Three appointments this week--2 adjustments & 1 visit with neuro/foot doc. I'm sure we'll be doing 2-3 appts a week for a while. I checked our insurance benefits yesterday and I'm pretty sure I figured out it covers shoe inserts and there was nothing excluding chiropractors, although there might be a limit on number of visits (like there is for PT, which I know from Mark's treatments) but I didn't find anything.

I'm not freaking out as badly as I was, since we have an appointment with the surgeon and we are seeing the chiropractors. I don't feel quite so helpless now.

But my emotions are raw, raw, raw. When it rains, it pours. We continue to have financial concerns, Mark has a new physical issue that he needs to go see a doctor for (and could be significant but we won't know till he gets checked out), and my mom, bless her heart, feels about as helpless as I do and she's not handling things well, and when I talk to her it makes me a little crazy. I feel like if one more thing goes wrong, I'll lose it.

But I know I can't. I don't have the option to lose it.

I continue to be abstinent and avoid my poison foods. I am going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, praying and reading. At least I'm not going through all this being 50 pounds overweight and disgusted with myself every time I put food in my mouth.

I'm very thankful I found OA last year (11 months of abstinence as of last week). I finally finished my 30 questions (steps 1 - 3) and will be working on step 4 soon.

Surgery (152.6)

Sophie has to have surgery to correct her scoliosis.

I knew it was going to be bad news when the doctor spoke in soft, slow tones. He spoke directly to Sophie most of the appointment, which I appreciated since it's her body. I think it showed a lot of respect for her. When he finally said "surgery," I gave out a little gasp, said "surgery?" and started to tear up. Sophie sat stoically the entire time, nodding her head and speaking affirmations that she understood. I took my cue from her, and held it together instead of collapsing into sobbing.

Doctor's summary was this: she has a 50% curve in her upper spine and lower spine, so it's an S curve, which I already knew from seeing the xray at her pediatrician's office. They took new xrays at the Ortho appt, so he could more accurately measure. He explained that at 10%, they monitor. At 20-30%, they usually brace. 40% always goes to 50%. 50% always goes to 70%. He refers maybe one patient a year for surgery; so some years, he refers no one. The more severe it gets, it can interfere with her heart and lungs.

She has progressed to 50% in a year, or less. We don't have a definite time frame, obviously, since we haven't been looking at her back. But it wasn't bad enough at her last physical to warrant any concern; and her doctor has always performed a back check at her annual check ups.

The ortho doc said there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. It was going to happen, regardless of whether we'd caught it earlier and braced her. Whether that's true or not or if he said it just to comfort me, who knows. Either way, this is where we are.

After the appointment, Sophie said she somehow knew she was going to need surgery. She said whatever she has, she always gets the worst of it. This child has already been through so much, with vertigo since she was 2 1/2, and repeated strep throat infections in 2nd grade. She's had two MRI's and surgery to remove her tonsils. She missed over 30 days of school in Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade. She was diagnosed at the end of 1st grade with ADHD, and the first drug we tried made her hallucinate after being on it a week; hallucinations are obviously rare. (She's been on a non-stimulant med since then, and it works great for her.)

Her biggest concern is getting behind in school. She finally feels like she got caught up in 4th & 5th grade. She was in honors classes last year and is again this year in 6th grade. I told her we and the school would do everything to make sure she doesn't get behind.

She doesn't want to be left in the dark; doesn't want to be treated like a child. She wants all the information we have, and wants nothing hid from her. She asked if she'd be in pain. She asked how soon she'd be able to walk after surgery. I told her she'd have pain but the hospital will treat it with medicine. I don't know how long she'll be in bed afterward, but we'll find out from the surgeon, who we will be making an appointment with next week. Hopefully we will see him soon so we can get questions answered. She'll be seeing a surgeon in St Louis at Barnes Jewish Hospital, which is where her neurologist was so we are somewhat familiar with the campus. The surgeon is one of the top in his field.

Yesterday afternoon and last night were surreal. I felt like I was outside of myself. Mark took the news very hard. He was practically catatonic for 15 minutes, unable to speak and trying to hold back tears. We went in the bedroom for those 15 minutes. I didn't want Sophie to see him like that. We have to be strong for her.

I called my mom & sister and told them. Sophie and I called my mom together. Mom & step dad are praying for her.

I know that God has something special planned for Sophie. He doesn't let hardships like this go to waste. She is a remarkable person already, at age 12.

I'm very conscious of not letting Luke go by the wayside. When my cousin Eve had brain cancer when she was 16, and died within 6 months of the diagnosis, her parents basically excluded her brothers--one older, one younger--from most of the process. I don't know the details, but I know that the younger brother was especially messed up by it. Obviously losing a sister when you're a young boy is devastating, and his parents did the best they could. But it's a lesson to me on making sure Luke isn't pushed aside during all of this.

The doctor said it can't wait until next summer, so she will miss school. He suggests doing the surgery over Christmas break, and if she recovers well, it's possible she'd miss no school. But we have to be practical from an insurance standpoint. She's on Indiana's high risk insurance, which ends on 12/31 because the state is moving to the national health care program. I think it would be financially irresponsible to have major surgery a week before our insurance plans ends. I can't imagine the nightmares that would cause.

We will all be on national healthcare in January. Healthcare reform has a maximum out of pocket of $12,700. If we can wait until January, then our deductible will be met right away, which I think means we will have zero out of pocket expenses--including prescriptions--for the rest of 2014. There are tons of questions around that, though, because the details of plans aren't out yet. They will be on October 1.

I am praying the surgeon says she can wait until January, that she doesn't have to have surgery sooner than that. I need the time to process all this and prepare, as well as figure out the financial impact.

I was not expecting surgery. I knew it was severe, as I can see it in her back and shoulders, and I saw the xray at the ped's office. But I never imagined we'd go straight to surgery in a short amount of time. It still feels unreal.

We took the films home so we can take them to St Louis. Here's her xray:

Mental health morning (152.0)

I took this morning off. I told my husband as he was making his breakfast shake--and I was feeling bitchy & irritated at every move he made--that I needed to go into work late.

I have been feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and all the places I need to go, and it makes me off balance to feel so buried. I have also been hormonal (and there's a full moon, which I swear affects my moods) the past three days. So in order to avoid my killing someone, I came into work today at noon.

What I did:

Luke got on the bus at 7:20 (Sophie's is at 7:00), and at 7:30 I was mowing the yard. I didn't have time to get to it this weekend, and it had been 2 weeks since it had been cut. It was a "pile" that was under my skin every time I left the house or came home or looked out a window.

I don't mind mowing. I like the feeling of accomplishment and seeing results of my labor right away. It takes 45-60 minutes with a push mower, depending on whether I mow vertically or horizontally. Today was a 60 minute day. I saw two cicada's molting, and let me tell you, that was disgusting. There are dozens of shells all over our trees. Totally grosses me out. I hate those things--hate the way their garish sounds drown out everything else outside, and I obviously hate the way they look. Blech. Other than those monsters and the spider webs I walked through multiple times, it felt good to get it done.

Then I stripped the sheets and duvet off of our bed & set them to washing.

Then I put on my running clothes and went for a run/walk. YAY! It felt soooo good. I left at 9:15, listening to Mumford & Sons and thinking it's going to be a hot one. I started runnning right away because I've missed it so much. I ended up doing intervals and walking more than running. My running pace was often in the 10:30-11:00s and my walking pace was in 14:30-15:00, so my speed wasn't horrible. It was hot and humid, and the sun was strong, and my lungs weren't real happy with the thick air, and my heart is out of condition--despite all that, it was a great run. A reminder of WHY I love running in the first place. I hope I can build on it to keep moving forward.

I got home a little before 10, and I did more laundry and vacuumed and dusted. Then I got ready for work at 11:15, at work by noon.

It wasn't a lot of time off, less than 4 hours, and I didn't get everything done I'd like to, but it was enough for me to feel like I have a jump on things now.

I still need to finish my laundry and finish making the bed, and grill 3 pounds of chicken & beef tonight, and give Luke a bath (and check his hair for lice--2nd treatment was Sunday and he still had those damn things in his hair), and get the kids and myself fed, help the kids with homework if they need it, and be at church choir by 7.

I look at that list and think, is it any wonder I feel overwhelmed? Which is justification to start taking better care of myself, mentally & physically.

No pie for me (152.6)

Saturday night our church had a dinner/concert that I was in part responsible for coordinating. We have a small endowment called Christianity and the Arts, and the event was a fundraiser. In the past couple of years, the endowment has paid for Bach concerts that our choir director, who is also the choral director/professor at the private university in town and is very accomplished and talented, has put together. They are well attended and unique to our area.

This was the most ambitious and succcessful fundraiser we've had. 77 people attended. It was catered and, by all accounts, the food was outstanding (I helped wait on tables, so didn't eat). The musical performances were goose-bump worthy.

The event started at 6. I got there at 4 to help finish setting up. Part of the set up was cutting the 14 pies the caterer made.

There were 8 different kinds of pies, including unique pies (lemon buttermilk & butterscotch) and my old favorite, chocolate. I cut pies for about 20 minutes. I got pie on my fingers. I served pie to the table I was assigned to wait on when it was time for dessert.

I had zero desire--absolutely no temptaiont--to eat a piece of pie.

They looked lovely. Everyone was oohing and ahhing over them. I let fond memories fill my head, of eating chocolate pie when I was a kid that my grandmother made especially for me. For grandma and me, chocolate pie=love.

And then I let in memories of eating half a pie or more at one time; of sneaking a 3rd and then 4th piece, hoping no one would notice. Then feeling sick and helpless and berating myself for eating so much. Those memories kept me from eating pie Saturday.

More than anything, though, it's the OA program and abstinence that kept the desire for pie away.

I may not have perfectly clean abstinence right now. But I have perfectly clean abstinence when it comes to dessert. And for that I am grateful.

Minutia of my life at the moment (152.8)

It has been a long time since I've posted.

The biggest reason is I haven't had time, or haven't made the time.

I also feel like I don't have much to say. I could rattle on about the minutia of my life--and there's nothing wrong with that and I enjoy reading other people's minutia so I guess I shouldn't let that stop me--but part of me is tired of the of the minutia and the last thing I want to do right now is rehash it here. But since I haven't shared in so long, here's some minutia (apparently I love that word today).

I am doing mostly okay. We are all healthy and life is pretty normal. There have been many, many times in recent years where I couldn't say that. Normal is a wonderful thing that you don't often appreciate until you have too much "NOT normal."

Kids are back in school. Sophie has adjusted to 6th grade middle school (new school, 6-8 grade). She rides the bus home from school now and stays by herself for a couple of hours. She likes it so far. She's in honors classes, so when homework starts this week, I'm sure it will be a lot. She will get a netbook on August 29, and almost all of the homework and resources will be accesible through a website called MyBigCampus. Should be interesting.

She is also in a play (You're a Good Man Charlie Brown) and has rehearsals Friday, Saturday, and Sunday until the show starts the last weekend of September (she's off Labor Day weekend). I was worried about it being too much for her, but she said rehearsals give her energy because she has fun and she soaks up the positive energy of the cast and directors. We are blessed she has found her niche. She feels like she belongs to the theater family and has many friends there.

Luke is in 2nd grade and likes his teacher. One of his best friends is in his class. He also gets to go to the high ability class (it's one period a day with a different teacher who has all the high ability classes), which he loves because they study science and unique ideas that he doesn't get in his regular class. His reading skills have skyrocketed this summer, which has been really cool.

He isn't on his ADHD meds right now, though. We took him off for the summer, which his doctor agreed was okay. Time off lets the brain reset, just like it does when I go off of my depression meds, and it also let him gain some weight (he'd lost around 5 pounds over the school year, which was a lot on his lean lanky body).

When he stopped taking it, he was at 15 mg (we titrated him up from 5 then to 10 then to 15, over several months last year). We started him back at 15 mg, 3 weeks before school started. The doctor didn't say we should titrate up again, but clearly we should have (and are now), because 15 mg put him in a depressed lathargic state. I gave him 2 weeks to adjust, and at the end of 2 weeks he was still sad and quiet while the med was in his system (by 4 or 5 pm each day, it's worn off and he's back to himself). I can't get a refill on the 5 mg capsule until the end of this week; it's a controlled substance and you can't fill them less than 30 days apart. I explained to his teacher. He'll be distracted and fidgety in class, probably, but he'll be fine.

Luke is also in gymnastics, which he takes on Mondays at 4 pm. He's only been going a few weeks but loves it so far. He used to go a couple years ago, but he got tired of it so we stopped, but now he wants to go again. He has fun and it's great exercise for our non-sports boy.

Mark's back is okay but not great. The last procedure he had didn't work as well as the first one did last year. He is finding that when we work out the knots in his glutes and hamstrings, the pain is much better. Basically he has pain from more than one source, and the daily pain often comes from sitting and his muscles knotting up. It's great to have a solution that works for him most of the time.

I am kinda "meh." I am still not running or exercising, and am in a constant state of "shoulds" around it. I seriously don't know what my problem is. I am in the extreme "body at rest" mode. I have precious little time, but what time I do have is usually spent being lazy with a book or TV. Not where I want to be, but obviously my desire to change is not yet greater than my desire to stay the same.

My food is "meh." I'm still abstinent and not eating binge foods. Almost 11 months with no dessert-type foods, which is what my binge list consists of. That has made a huge difference in my life. I do still eat for comfort, though, which I'm not okay with and need to do OA work on. What that means for me now is, I will eat meals when I'm feeling out sorts or sad or whatever, and I will eat too much food and too much food with carbs. I am not carb free--but dessert/binge food free. I don't binge uncontrollably. I don't eat in the middle of the night. But I am not eating as cleanly as I need to be. This disease is still a disease and I fight it everyday. It's just not as easy as it was in the beginning.

We have had a lot of people die lately. There were five people in a two week period that we knew. We went to two funerals. Now our close friend's dad--who we are also close to and is a client--has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer and has a week or so to live. The funerals didn't get to me too badly, other than it being a lot at one time. But our friend's dad, who is 66, has been rough.

That's all I have time for today. Thanks for keeping up with me!

Sophie has scoliosis (151.8)

Sophie had her back to school physical last Friday.  They discovered she has scoliosis. It's in her upper back, looks like it's probably a C curve.

It runs in Mark's family. Our niece, Kelly (who got married last year in Colorado) had scoliosis and had to have surgery in her late teens. It was very serious and I remember how concerned my brother in law was about her. (She looks perfect now, so the surgery obviously worked.) And our nephew, Corey, had something wrong with his spine (not sure it was scoliosis, probably was) and had to have a rod put in his spine to keep it straight. Mark's aunt (his mom's sister) had it so bad that her hips were very crooked. She had to have all her skirts altered so they would hang in a straight line (I remember his cousins talking about this after she died and they were going through her clothes).

I am a wreck.

I feel guilty because it's very pronounced and it's hard for me to accept that I didn't catch it earlier.  I have noticed a slight bump on her back before, but it's never been pronounced and I didn't think anything of it. So now, of course, I feel like I should have thought something of it and am beating my head against a wall at my stupidity.  

Her hair is very long, almost to her waist, and she almost always wears it down.  And she's 12--it's not like I inspect her body on a regular basis like I did when she was little.  She doesn't have any physical side affects yet, no pain or anything.  I can rationalize all these reasons for why I missed it, but I still feel tied up in knots with guilt.

I am filled with fear.  This isn't reversible, to my knowledge and from what I've briefly read online.  It can get worse. Corrective measures include wearing a brace, surgery, maybe some physical therapy.  She'll need regular x-rays to watch the progression. 

This is the child who has had "something wrong with her" since she was 2 1/2.  She already feels limited by her vertigo and migraines, and has emotional scars from all she missed out on because of her extended vertigo spells and from what she misses out on now.  She has almost no arch in her feet and her feet/heels are very narrow; she has problems finding shoes that fit and any time she runs (like on the playground), she feels like she looks weird and her friends have commented on it.

After it was pointed out to me, now it's all I can see when I look at her back. Her right shoulder blade is noticably humped. Her right shoulder is slightly higher than the other. This is such a tough age when it comes to insecurity around physical appearance, and I'm worried about if this will make it worse.

I don't know how to handle all this. She goes to see her doctor next Tuesday. I had her physical done at the Walmart clinic for $30 because her insurance doesn't pay for well care visits. There will be follow ups and specialists involved, which she has already suffered through most of her life because of her vertigo.

I don't know how to help her feel okay about all this because *I* don't feel okay about it. I am terrified I will handle it wrong and really screw her up.

I'm praying. I'm talking to my sponsor today. I don't want to read too much online because I'm afraid I'll read horror stories and make myself more afraid.

I need to talk to my therapist. I have no idea where the money for that is going to come from.

I am a big ball of worry and fear.

She isn't limited physically by it, at least anymore than she was limited before and at least not yet. She isn't obsessing about how she looks, which I hope is a good sign.

It's probably going to be a long road. I have to get it right. And this will all happen during a time when I'm already afraid I won't be a good enough parent during her teen years.

I know that, ultimately, everything will be okay. She's still a beautiful, talented, kind, compassionate, funny, and loving girl, and above all, I don't want this scoliosis to damage any of that. I feel a heavy burden to make sure of it.

Shining some light on what's going on with me (152.2)

I haven't written anything meaningful about myself for quite a while. There are a lot of excuses I could list, but if I'm being honest the real reason is that I don't feel good about my food.  And that's what this post is going to be--an attempt to honestly write about what's going on with me. 

It's not pretty, and it's a rehash of where I've been before. But when I finally write about these things is when I usually turn a corner.  So here goes.

I'm still not eating desserts or anything else on my trigger food/binge list.  And I'm still not eating between meals during the day. 

But the quality of my food is very poor; I am in the rut of convenience foods.  And I am eating too much at night, which has always been the hardest thing for me to change.  

I am not eating in the middle of the night, thank goodness, but I have been eating before bed when I'm not hungry and just want the feel of food in my body.

I am also not running or doing any other kind of exercise.

I am also not working my steps in OA, although I still go to meetings every week and talk to my sponsor regularly. 

I've gained a couple of pounds.  Instead of hovering around 150, I now hover around 152.  It's not a lot, but it's a warning sign.

I have always been a starter, not a finisher.  I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that.  I get half way through something, and peter out before I'm finished, which results in unfinished "clutter" in my life.

I'm in a LIFE plateau, not a weight plateau--my desire to change equals my desire to stay the same.

The past few months have been hard on us financially, and frankly the fear and worry around that takes up a lot of space in my head. 

I tend to shut down and isolate when I am filled with worry.  That includes not blogging or reading other blogs.

I also go back and forth between worry and giving the worry away to God.  Unfortunately I take back the worry all the time, so I spend a lot of energy giving it away and then taking it back again.

And I look at all the things I think I am doing wrong, instead of looking at what I am doing right, and become discouraged and disappointed.

What is crystal clear is that when my food isn't what it needs to be, nothing else is either.

One OA saying goes like this: Abstinence is the number one priority in my life.  Anything I put before it I will lose anyway. 

Sloppy abstinence, which is what I call what I'm doing now, means sloppy life.

Summer and lack of routine is always hard for me.  I know this.  This summer has been really hard because the kids have not been in one consistent camp, but have been in many different ones.  My mom has helped watch them a lot so we could save money (it would have cost $2500 to keep them both in camps all summer).  My mom watching them is a whole other layer of crazy in my life.  I have learned a lesson, though, and next summer I have to figure something else out.

School starts on August 14.  I am not saying it will all magically get better then--there will always be something.  I am saying that the routine and normalcy of school will help all of us.

I am in a valley.  I feel like I've hit the bottom of the valley and am ready to climb out. 

I am not in a pit of despair by any means.  Which is a good thing--my low is a higher low than it has been in the past.  I am not flailing and hopeless. I am aware that I have changes to make, and I know what to do and where to get help.  I will start doing it again.

And the first thing I have to do is go back to step one:  I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable. And then on to step two: I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 

I feel better after writing all this and shining some light on it.  Thank you for reading.

Progress or Procrastination devotional (150.6)

I loved this devotional today & thought I'd share.



Progress or Procrastination?

July 22, 2013

Progress or Procrastination?

Lisa Allen

"If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done!" Ecclesiastes 11:4 (LB)

Unhealthy habits had crept their way into my life. At first it was only occasionally, but then it became easier to stay home rather than head to the gym. I turned a blind eye to how much sugar I was eating. And dinner from a drive-through became more convenient when I was in a rush.

After a few months in this downward spiral, I knew it was time to reintroduce healthy habits. But then the excuses started: I know I should work out, but this just isn't a good time for me ... I have two trips coming up and then there's that birthday dinner for my friend this weekend. And everyone knows that Mondays are the best day to start a good habit!

This pattern of thinking gives me permission to eat unhealthy foods and put off exercise. Somehow I justify that I will ultimately be more successful if all the conditions are perfect for me to improve my health. Perhaps it's my selfish nature that screams, "I want what I want when I want it." The truth is, if I know I should take steps toward healthier choices, then my response should simply be to ask myself, "What can I do today?" and then do it. I don't have to have a plan for a month or even a week ... only today.

As I've observed this pattern of procrastination within myself, I find when faced with a desire and necessity to make a change for the better, sometimes I wait until I can do it perfectly before I'm willing to begin. Scripture tells us though "If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done!" (Ecclesiastes 11:4).

I don't know about you, but I struggle with feeling that perfection is unreachable, so I push my goals to the back burner.

We wait to start consistent quiet times until we feel like getting up earlier. We wait to clean our house until there is a convenient weekend. We wait to join a small group until our schedules open up. We wait to begin a healthier lifestyle until the holidays are over.

Taking that first step is the hardest and yet most important step. Even a baby step toward a goal is better than staying in place. Aiming for progress rather than perfection can be quite freeing. So, I can't run a marathon. But I can lace up my sneakers and go for a walk. And while my home isn't in spotless, I can wipe down the counters and put away the piles of laundry around my living room. Yes, there are still dishes in the sink, but I have to start somewhere, right?

God is teaching me that I can make progress in the midst of less-than-perfect circumstances. While I still want to do things with excellence, a friend once told me I need to be willing to "take a B instead of an A+" on some things in life, and that helps bring perspective when excuses start to rise up. Plus, I'm learning to overcome my tendency for excuses by telling myself imperfect action is better than perfect procrastination.

There may never be a perfect time to get organized, eat less sugar, and workout more. However, we have to begin somewhere. The perfect place to start is where we are today.

Father, You know me so well, and I confess to You I've been avoiding obedience by waiting for things to be easier, better and more convenient. I recognize this as disobedience and ask You to forgive me. Give me the strength to focus today on this area of obedience. Let me know that You are providing all I need to take this step today and tomorrow, as I continue this journey with You. Amen.

Gasland (151.6)

I don't like "soap box" updates, but I feel I need to share this today because it's taking up too much space in my brain and I need to purge it. If you don't read anymore, I understand. This isn't a happy, feel good update.


I watched Gasland 2 last night. It's a documentary about fracking. Natural gas is being sold to us as the solution to energy dependency. The oil companies and government say the process of extracting natural gas from shale oil deposits is safe. They say burning natural gas is better for the planet than coal or oil. They say it's going to be more affordable in the future as oil becomes more scarce. According to the documentary, we are being fed a pack of lies.

This is a relatively new industry. Most of us know nothing about it, other than what we're told by BP & other oil companies on TV commercials and by our government (as in the President's 2nd inaugural address, which praised natural gas as our energy savior).

I am sick this morning thinking about how devastating widespread fracking will be for the people living among the fracking wells and for the planet as a whole. People living among shale oil plains already have suffered health problems from the neurotoxins released into the air & water. A whole town in Pennsylvania has had no water for years because their entire aquifer is poisoned. The water that comes out of their faucets can be lit on fire because of the methane in the water.

Why is this allowed to happen? Because the natural gas industry is exempt from the clean water act. They don't have to report the chemicals they put in water to extract the gas. They take no responsibility, and no one, not even the EPA, can make them. (Several years ago the EPA had done research proving chemicals used in fracking were in drinking water, and they were trying to clean up the mess. But after the President was reelected, the EPA was made to toe the policy line and essentially became impotent. Soon after, the EPA director, who was making headway in doing her job and exposing the significant environmental risks, resigned.)

I would say that everyone should educate themselves so people can "say no" to natural gas, but people living on the shale plains have said no for years, and it makes no difference. Part of me wishes I'd never seen the damn documentary. Part of me feels it's my responsibility to share it with everyone I know, so that maybe, maybe, if enough people are aware of the dangers, fracking can be stopped. But mostly I feel disgusted and helpless and scared that we are witnessing the beginning of another Dust Bowl, but on a much grander scale--the greatest ecological disaster the world has ever seen.   *** Still busy. Totally fried. Taking tomorrow off work.

Busy (150.8)

I am ridiculously busy, at work and at home.  Every weekend in July has some activity, and August is filling up too. 

I am trying to keep it together, take it one day at a time, and not be overwhelmed by what I need to do.  But it's hard. 

So I'm not posting much today.  I just wanted to check in. 

I'm still going to my OA meetings on Monday night.  I'm still abstinent.  Last night I got my 9 month chip.  I cannot believe it's been 9 months already.

In the midst of all the chaos of my life, I'm thankful I am not eating my way through it.

Painting of Sophie and Mumford & Sons 2nd chance

Mark painted this for Sophie for her birthday.  He finished it last weekend, so a little late.  Paint is acrylic (which isn't ideal for this b/c the paint is hard to blend, but he's not practiced in oils yet).  It's apparently very hard to capture a face correctly.  He nailed it.  Her eyes, shape of her face, her mouth.  I am so proud of him. 

Mumford & Sons is coming to Indianapolis on Labor Day!!!  As you'll recall, the concert in Bonner Springs was postponed.  It was rescheduled to the end of September, on a date we have another obligation.  I got a refund from Ticketmaster.  The same day they announced the rescheduled dates, they announced a new tour, which includes the stop in Indy. 

Same set up for tickets as last time--you sign up & they invite you to buy tickets (no idea what the qualifications are for being invited, but I'm confident I will since I'm a member of their fan club with the same email I registered for tickets with). You get to buy tickets before they go on sale to the general public.  Indy's outdoor concert venue is fabulous.  We've been there a lot.  And we can stay with my sister in law.  We plan to make a weekend out of it.  Win-win all around! 

Caught up in the urgent (151.4)

When Steven Covey was the organizational guru of the 90s, I had a Franklin Planner & read his 7 Habits book. I learned about his 4 quadrants—important & urgent, important & not urgent, not important & urgent, not urgent & not important. Here’s a great illustration of the activities in each quadrant:

I haven’t had a Franklin Planner since I got a smartphone and Outlook (probably 7 years or so? Maybe longer). And I haven’t been to a time management class for well over a decade.

I don’t need a class. I know what to do. I know, but I don’t apply.

Sounds similar to eating and exercise, when those things are not going well.

Operating from the “important & not urgent” category is obviously the place I need to be working from on a regular basis. Planning, prevention, relationship building, new opportunities, learning, developing.

Lately, and for a long time really, I haven’t been in the quadrant enough. I am so often prisoner of the Tyranny of the Urgent. And, more often than not, in the not important & not urgent corner—where nothing of importance happens.

I believe there are benefits in the lower right quadrant—of course I have to have pleasant activities in my life. I need downtime to recharge.

Time wasters, though, like Facebook or mindless TV aren’t nourishing activities. I have cut back Facebook perusing to almost nothing. I often just get mad & upset when I read people’s political views or their Rainbow Bright lives (which I’ve talked about before). I have been reading more than watching TV lately, but even reading is a mindless escape for me.

I also spend too much mindless time reading articles on Yahoo Finance or reading non work stuff (like blogs or book reviews or whatever else isn't appropriate) while at work (and yes, I write my posts at work. It's an important and not urgent issue that I won't do at home, so I spend an hour a week writing, I'm fine with that). I can argue that the Finance articles are important for my job, but really I’m just killing time because I don’t want to spend time in the important & not urgent category.

So, WHY don’t I want to spend time there? That’s a good question. Part of it, I think, is that I lack confidence to be proactive with our practice. Mark is the financial advisor; I’m his support.

However, he spends almost all of his time in the urgent quadrants.

Part of that is out of his control—he can’t dictate when clients call in or when he gets an email he has to respond to with in depth info.

Part of it is that he’s made that way or that he has operated in the urgent for so long, and he gets a reward from it. (My theory is that he subconsciously like the adrenaline rush that he gets from always being in a hurry; he rarely gives himself enough time to get ready in the morning, so it’s rush rush rush. Which drives me bonkers. I’ve quit nagging him, for the most part. It makes no difference.)

Part of it is that his plate is so full—with work and church obligations (he’s an elder at church and on two key committees that have big stuff going on this summer, and he’s dropped everything else he can drop)—that he just can’t get ahead.

Part of it is that his time at work is limited because of his back. He is limited on how long he can sit, and isn’t really spending enough time at work.

Whatever the reason, he spends little time planning. I have little interaction with him during the day because he’s in the Urgent all day long.

I told him yesterday that we need to start meeting every day for 15 minutes or so, to plan our approach of what we need to do for our clients in the next two months (which includes major investment reallocations that take a lot of time).

Clearly, it is up to me to drive the bus on the planning side.

We have worked together for over 8 years. We do well because we complement each other—we have different skills and talents, and together we make a great team.

I have not been keeping up my end of the team, though. I haven’t been using my strengths like we need me to.

Why?

Because I am insecure, not confident in my abilities, afraid I’ll do work and get shot down because it’s not the direction Mark wants to take (this has happened several times over the years, and it rocks my confidence & ticks me off), and because I’m often paralyzed by fear.

Fear of financial failure, fear of me failing, fear of making mistakes, fear of my efforts being pointless and a total waste of time.

I’m writing about this so I can start making changes. I read this stuff and think “This is such bullshit. You’re smart, talented, have good ideas, are capable of SO MUCH MORE than you give yourself credit. Get off your ass and get to work.”

Like Alice in Wonderland sings, “I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.”

I have no business putting MY issues of non-action on my husband's lack of planning activities.  That's a martyr attitude, and an excuse.

Time to get rid of that thinking. Time to quit giving myself advice. Time to just freaking do it.

One more thing--all this work stuff is exacerbated by the feeling of being out of control this summer. The days are packed, the weekends are packed, my children are growing at the speed of light, and it’s killing me.  I live in the future way too much—what do I have to do this week, next week, a month from now?  It all makes me feel so powerless, which makes me want to control everything.  I am reading some self-help stuff (my OA books and a book by Wayne Dyer about creating your own reality) and I do stop several times a day for positive affirmations and short meditations.  So I feel like I’m making a wee bit of progress.  I have moments of peace and release.  I just need more of them strung together, until my entire day is peace & release. 

Quote from Mother Teresa (151.2)

I love this. A friend posted it on Facebook and I wanted to share.

These are the few ways we can practice humility:

To speak as little as possible of one's self.

To mind one's own business.

Not to want to manage other people's affairs.

To accept contradictions cheerfully.

To pass over the mistakes of others.

To accept insults and injuries.

To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.

To be kind and gentle even under provocation.

Never to stand on one's dignity.

To choose always the hardest.”

― Mother Teresa

This list of ways to practice humility are most of what I have struggled with.  I'm better on several of them, not so much on others.  I have a long way to go to reach true humility.

Hair cut pic

Post for today is below.

Concert cancelled, Sophie away at camp, hair cut (151.0)

We were supposed to go to Kansas City today to see my favorite band of all time, Mumford & Sons, in concert.  The concert was cancelled, along with several others, because their bass player had a blood clot removed from his brain last Tuesday.  Thankfully he's OK and is recovering, but obviously he isn't recovered enough to perform. 

Strangely, it has worked out for the best for us.  Last week we got a lot of calls from clients because accounts were down in May and they aren't used to seeing downturns on their statements (for the past year anyway).  The market continues to be volatile & we need to be in the office right now.  Plus Mark is getting another back procedure Wednesday & will be out the rest of the week.  So for us, it's turned into a good thing.

BUT.  I don't do well when plans change.  It takes me a while to adjust. I'm getting better at adjusting more quickly (more below), but I am disappointed, of course. I don't know if we'll be able to go to the rescheduled concert.  I'm returning our tickets because I'd rather do it now than risk not being able to return them later if we can't go.  But I got over the disappointment rather quickly, saw the bigger picture and the benefits of not going.

I didn't sulk.  I didn't get angry. I looked at the benefits of the cancellation instead of my disappointment.

I am learning to live without expectations.  "Expectations are premeditated resentments." (First heard this in an OA meeting.)  I don't need resentments taking up space in my life, so I work to not have expectations.  Not from people or events. I've always approached vacations with no expectations--it's much easier to roll with what comes than to have concrete plans that blow up, as they often do when you travel.  I'm applying that approach to daily life.  It helps.

***

Sophie left for a week of sleep away camp yesterday.  She went last year for the first time.  It's the same camp this year, and she went with a friend from school who also went last year.  Sophie was really excited to go. 

We drove up with her friend's parents, about 2 1/2 hour drive.  Her friend Mary cried when we got there; she has a hard time spending time away from her home, even at one-night sleepovers with her friends.  Sophie is fairly independent, has spent many nights away from home and never had a problem.  She didn't cry; she hugged me a lot (Mark & Luke stayed home) and was a little sad, but handled it well.  The kids stay very busy at camp and are exhausted at bed time, so the emotions quickly dissipate after we leave and there's no time to be homesick (which is what they told us when we picked them up last year). She comes home Friday.

It's harder for us than it is for her, I'm sure.  Luke was a mess last year when she left.  He was never an only child, like Sophie was for 4.5 years before Luke was born, and he doesn't like it when she's gone.  He is tender hearted & sensitive, and the kids spend a lot of time together.  I will miss her terribly.

Her being gone makes me ponder what it will be like in 7 years when she leaves for college. I've watched how Vickie has handled her kids leaving home, and I can only hope I handle it half as well as she has.

***

I got 4 inches cut off my hair on Saturday.  I've worn it long for a couple of years now, and prior to that it was never long.  I've worn it in a bob for 20 years.  I love it long, but it's a nice change to go back to a short bob.  Mark loves it this shorter length, because it's how I wore it when we first met.  Luke doesn't like it--he doesn't do well with change and wanted me to keep it long.  I have been wearing it up so much and only styled it once or twice a week, that I decided it was time for a change.  I'll post a pic in another post from my phone.

More on sleep (149.0)

Last night I did not sleep well.  It was the first bad night since I stopped taking trazedone.  I woke up frustrated and angry and determined to start the damn trazedone again.  I don't want to have another night like that again.

My husband doesn't sleep well.  His sleep habits are horrible, and it impacts me.  If we had a guest room, I'd sleep in there every night, but we don't so I can't. 

I don't want to talk about all he does wrong in relation to his sleep issues.  I cannot control his choices, and I have little ability to control how his choices affect me.  I know that sounds lame, but I've lived with this for years and it's the way it is. 

He will watch TV in the family room while I'm falling asleep; he's not totally insensitive.  It's the middle of the night crap that disturbs my sleep and is why I loved the trazedone. It knocked me out cold and he could tap dance on the bed and I wouldn't notice. 

Not so with xanax.  Last night I fell asleep at 10:20, easily.  At midnight, he woke me up.  As usual, he couldn't sleep and his noise woke me out of my not-so-deep sleep.  When I only take .25 mg xanax, I don't get into a deep enough sleep. (If I take .5 mg xanax, I have trouble waking up.)  And when I wake up in the middle of the night, I don't get back to sleep quickly and I don't sleep deeply at all. 

I slept, but it was more like cat naps. I was aware of the time passing several times during the night.  When my alarm went off at 6, instead of getting up, I foolishly kept hitting the snooze alarm because I was mad that I was so tired and didn't want to get out of bed.  And because those 9 minutes of sleep between beeps is (seemingly, although not really) better than nothing.

I haven't tracked my sleep behaviors in relation to my hormone cycles, but I'm suspicious that they may be linked.  I should start in about a week, which is prime PMS time.  Have any of you noticed your sleep being poor in relation to your cycle?  I will be paying attention to this, IF I stay off the trazedone.

Which is the big question.  Do I deal with the side effects?  Do I split my pill down into a 1/4 size? (Which is basically a crumb, since they don't split cleanly.  If I'm going to continue to take it, I need to call & ask for a smaller dosage.) 

I sleep better when I'm working out.  I haven't worked out regularly in months and months.  So if I can start that back up, perhaps I'll sleep better. I only drink coffee in the morning, only rarely do I have any in the afternoon.  Caffeine isn't the problem.

I have a suspicion that no matter what I do, I'm going to have to take drugs to sleep well.  But figuring out what works without a sleep hangover may be a challenge. 

I'm too PMS'y and crabby to make a good decision on any of it, so I'm letting it lie for now. I just wanted to vent while it was still fresh in my mind.

My sleep meds (148.2)

Weight is a fluke? I did not expect to be down that much in one day.  Wondering if my scale was wonky, if I've been holding onto midcycle bloat (quite possible), or if adding lemons to my daily water caused it.  My pants fit looser this morning around the waist, so maybe not a fluke.

The last time I saw my psych nurse practioner, she asked how I was sleeping. I was taking .25 to .5 mg xanax at night to sleep.  I told her I'd fall asleep easily but often wake up and take about an hour to fall asleep.

She prescribed trazedone, 50 mg. She told me the side affect people complain about most is vivid dreams.

I started with 50, but found it was too much.  I had a very hard time getting up and felt drugged.  I only took 50 for a couple of days.  I broke the pills in half & have been taking 25 mg for several months. 

I had very vivid dreams.  Sometimes benign, sometimes anxious, often weird, and always very real and close to my wake up time.  It wasn't bad enough to make me stop taking the med.  I slept very well.

Most nights I didn't take it until 9 or 10 pm, because I'd be sleepy after 60-90 minutes. If I took it at 8, I'd be sleepy at 9:30, and that wouldn't leave me much of an evening after I put kids to bed. And I'm a night owl by nature and going to sleep at 9:30 is practically unthinkable.

But it takes 10+ hours for the med to get out of my system.  So when I should be waking up at 5:30 or 6 am, I can't.  I can barely get up at 6:45 to get the kids ready for school.  If I don't set an alarm, like on the weekends, I will sleep until 9 am.

I have never been a morning person.  And I've always felt like my wanting to sleep late is a moral failing (night owls, do you know what I mean?).  It's a continual, degrading battle.  I'll set my alarm for 5:30 and tell myself "tomorrow I WILL wake up on time!" 

I never do. I hit the snooze for an hour or more.  And so I feel like a moral failure every morning.

I think this habit is so ingrained, so deeply embedded in my personality, that I didn't stop and examine that I was making it worse by continuing to take the trazedone. I liked how I slept on it, I never woke up early anyway, so why stop even though it was getting harder & harder to wake up?

Monday I decided to stop taking the trazedone and try xanax again.  The more work I do in OA, the more I am exploring how to stop the sabotage. 

I am starting to wonder if the ideas that apply to addiction--that self-knowledge isn't powerful enough to change the behavoirs of an addict--apply to this kind of self-sabotage.  It sure seems like it.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:15 with the birds. Literally. I'd slept with the window open, heard the birds singing (loudly--we have a lot of chatty birds in the neighborhood), and woke up.  I wasn't sleepy.  I got up and made coffee and had a wonderful morning of quiet time.

This morning, I hit the snooze for an hour.  And I missed not having that quiet time. 

Since self knowledge isn't enough to change my wake up time, I wonder if I can apply the same tools that I use with compulsive overeating to other areas like this in my life?  Something to think about and talk with my sponsor about.