Monday, July 29, 2013

Shining some light on what's going on with me (152.2)

I haven't written anything meaningful about myself for quite a while. There are a lot of excuses I could list, but if I'm being honest the real reason is that I don't feel good about my food.  And that's what this post is going to be--an attempt to honestly write about what's going on with me. 

It's not pretty, and it's a rehash of where I've been before. But when I finally write about these things is when I usually turn a corner.  So here goes.

I'm still not eating desserts or anything else on my trigger food/binge list.  And I'm still not eating between meals during the day. 

But the quality of my food is very poor; I am in the rut of convenience foods.  And I am eating too much at night, which has always been the hardest thing for me to change.  

I am not eating in the middle of the night, thank goodness, but I have been eating before bed when I'm not hungry and just want the feel of food in my body.

I am also not running or doing any other kind of exercise.

I am also not working my steps in OA, although I still go to meetings every week and talk to my sponsor regularly. 

I've gained a couple of pounds.  Instead of hovering around 150, I now hover around 152.  It's not a lot, but it's a warning sign.

I have always been a starter, not a finisher.  I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that.  I get half way through something, and peter out before I'm finished, which results in unfinished "clutter" in my life.

I'm in a LIFE plateau, not a weight plateau--my desire to change equals my desire to stay the same.

The past few months have been hard on us financially, and frankly the fear and worry around that takes up a lot of space in my head. 

I tend to shut down and isolate when I am filled with worry.  That includes not blogging or reading other blogs.

I also go back and forth between worry and giving the worry away to God.  Unfortunately I take back the worry all the time, so I spend a lot of energy giving it away and then taking it back again.

And I look at all the things I think I am doing wrong, instead of looking at what I am doing right, and become discouraged and disappointed.

What is crystal clear is that when my food isn't what it needs to be, nothing else is either.

One OA saying goes like this: Abstinence is the number one priority in my life.  Anything I put before it I will lose anyway. 

Sloppy abstinence, which is what I call what I'm doing now, means sloppy life.

Summer and lack of routine is always hard for me.  I know this.  This summer has been really hard because the kids have not been in one consistent camp, but have been in many different ones.  My mom has helped watch them a lot so we could save money (it would have cost $2500 to keep them both in camps all summer).  My mom watching them is a whole other layer of crazy in my life.  I have learned a lesson, though, and next summer I have to figure something else out.

School starts on August 14.  I am not saying it will all magically get better then--there will always be something.  I am saying that the routine and normalcy of school will help all of us.

I am in a valley.  I feel like I've hit the bottom of the valley and am ready to climb out. 

I am not in a pit of despair by any means.  Which is a good thing--my low is a higher low than it has been in the past.  I am not flailing and hopeless. I am aware that I have changes to make, and I know what to do and where to get help.  I will start doing it again.

And the first thing I have to do is go back to step one:  I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable. And then on to step two: I believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. 

I feel better after writing all this and shining some light on it.  Thank you for reading.


Laura N said...

blogger won't let me edit my post (couldn't compose one, either, had to send post via email). I wanted to expand what I wrote on being a starter not a finisher.

I don't know if it's an addict thing or a perfectionist thing or what, but this start/don't finish deal has plagued me my whole life. I feel like that's what's going on with my OA steps.

The first three steps are done by answering 30 questions. Usually people get through these in a few months or less. It's taken me 9 months and I'm still on #25. I pick them up in fits & starts. I started strong with them, then got distracted. I start again and get distracted.

It's baggage I carry over my head, like many other unfinished projects, and I don't know why I do this.

As soon as I can afford to pay for a therapist again--or in 2014 when (hopefully) new insurance will pay for it--I'm going back to see Julie on a regular basis. I know therapy is worth it, believe me, but frankly I don't have an extra $125 in my budget. I have cut everything back and there is just no wiggle room. If I could squeeze it in, I would. It's just not there right now.

Vickie said...

"I am not in a pit of despair by any means. Which is a good thing--my low is a higher low than it has been in the past. I am not flailing and hopeless. I am aware that I have changes to make, and I know what to do and where to get help. I will start doing it again."

That is what I found too, my low kept getting higher. My high kept getting higher. The distance between low and high closed. My range stays higher and swings very little. And when it wiggles, I notice immediately.