Thursday, June 06, 2013

My sleep meds (148.2)

Weight is a fluke? I did not expect to be down that much in one day.  Wondering if my scale was wonky, if I've been holding onto midcycle bloat (quite possible), or if adding lemons to my daily water caused it.  My pants fit looser this morning around the waist, so maybe not a fluke.

The last time I saw my psych nurse practioner, she asked how I was sleeping. I was taking .25 to .5 mg xanax at night to sleep.  I told her I'd fall asleep easily but often wake up and take about an hour to fall asleep.

She prescribed trazedone, 50 mg. She told me the side affect people complain about most is vivid dreams.

I started with 50, but found it was too much.  I had a very hard time getting up and felt drugged.  I only took 50 for a couple of days.  I broke the pills in half & have been taking 25 mg for several months. 

I had very vivid dreams.  Sometimes benign, sometimes anxious, often weird, and always very real and close to my wake up time.  It wasn't bad enough to make me stop taking the med.  I slept very well.

Most nights I didn't take it until 9 or 10 pm, because I'd be sleepy after 60-90 minutes. If I took it at 8, I'd be sleepy at 9:30, and that wouldn't leave me much of an evening after I put kids to bed. And I'm a night owl by nature and going to sleep at 9:30 is practically unthinkable.

But it takes 10+ hours for the med to get out of my system.  So when I should be waking up at 5:30 or 6 am, I can't.  I can barely get up at 6:45 to get the kids ready for school.  If I don't set an alarm, like on the weekends, I will sleep until 9 am.

I have never been a morning person.  And I've always felt like my wanting to sleep late is a moral failing (night owls, do you know what I mean?).  It's a continual, degrading battle.  I'll set my alarm for 5:30 and tell myself "tomorrow I WILL wake up on time!" 

I never do. I hit the snooze for an hour or more.  And so I feel like a moral failure every morning.

I think this habit is so ingrained, so deeply embedded in my personality, that I didn't stop and examine that I was making it worse by continuing to take the trazedone. I liked how I slept on it, I never woke up early anyway, so why stop even though it was getting harder & harder to wake up?

Monday I decided to stop taking the trazedone and try xanax again.  The more work I do in OA, the more I am exploring how to stop the sabotage. 

I am starting to wonder if the ideas that apply to addiction--that self-knowledge isn't powerful enough to change the behavoirs of an addict--apply to this kind of self-sabotage.  It sure seems like it.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:15 with the birds. Literally. I'd slept with the window open, heard the birds singing (loudly--we have a lot of chatty birds in the neighborhood), and woke up.  I wasn't sleepy.  I got up and made coffee and had a wonderful morning of quiet time.

This morning, I hit the snooze for an hour.  And I missed not having that quiet time. 

Since self knowledge isn't enough to change my wake up time, I wonder if I can apply the same tools that I use with compulsive overeating to other areas like this in my life?  Something to think about and talk with my sponsor about.


Laura N said...

Summer break hours are different, of course. Kids have camp from 9-3 this week. We leave at 8:50, so I get to sleep later anyway. I'd still like to get up earlier and get in a good routine.

Vickie said...

Sleep is always an effort for me. I almost used the word struggle. But I think effort is more accurate.

My meds seem to still be okay (knock on wood). But I have to have a variety of other variables at a constant.

What I am wearing, temp of room, white noise, very little activity/worry in evening, covers (the right ones and tucked in just right), taking meds at right time, etc.

I do not think of all of that as my being difficult. I really think my system is sensitive and wakes me if something is wrong. It just has a low threshold of what is 'wrong'. I honestly do think this is probably a factor of constantly being alert/on guard as a child.

My family is sort of used to this - one of the girls or my husband will help me change my bed so we get the pressure on my legs thing just right. I have had yoga instructors talk about this (in general, they do not know about me) too. They have people put a bolster or blanket on their pelvis for protection so they can fully relax. I thought that was very interesting.

I have really been paying attention to all you have been writing.

It is very interesting to me. And I think you are on track in all you are exploring/doing.

I can tell you when I turned proactive/positive in my life, everything turned around for me.

Things exactly like you write - instead of getting upset when something happens with a family member, figuring out (internally) what actually happened and then putting steps in place (in our own mind) to change it for next time. This eliminates our woulda-shoulda-coulda -ing (in anger or frustration) at the other person after the fact. It is so much more positive to say (before the next time) - I noticed we could X this time and it might work better. Or sometimes we can just change the process without even saying there actually was a problem. This is not passive aggressive. This is tact and proactive (in my opinion).

I absolutely had to work on my environment (your yard and house work) as part of my process.

And I will share that every single person I know in weight loss/maintenance blog land and in real life who got ALL their weight off and has KEPT it ALL off, has cleaned up their food and continues to do so. Each year food is cleaner, not backsliding, cleaner. It is a very common trait among 'the few'.

Laura I. (G.G.) said...

I had the exact same issues with Trazadone--crazy vivid dreams and could.not.get.up.on.time in the morning. Like you, it feels like a moral failing if I sleep in (or just can't get up when I want to get up).

Been off it for a couple of months now and have been getting up around 5 to go to the gym. Not sleeping as well, but being able to wake up earlier period seems like an acceptable tradeoff.

Now if I can stop napping in the afternoon . . . (one of the benefits of childlessness).

Laura I. (G.G.) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura N said...

Vickie, I often think of your sleep routine. It's wonderful your family is so respectful of your needs.

Laura, thanks for sharing. It's good to hear it's not just me! I can't nap anymore (and when I used to nap it was b/c I was in a food coma). I think my body just has a hard time with sleep now. Sigh.