Weight is a fluke? I did not expect to be down that much in one day. Wondering if my scale was wonky, if I've been holding onto midcycle bloat (quite possible), or if adding lemons to my daily water caused it. My pants fit looser this morning around the waist, so maybe not a fluke.
The last time I saw my psych nurse practioner, she asked how I was sleeping. I was taking .25 to .5 mg xanax at night to sleep. I told her I'd fall asleep easily but often wake up and take about an hour to fall asleep.
She prescribed trazedone, 50 mg. She told me the side affect people complain about most is vivid dreams.
I started with 50, but found it was too much. I had a very hard time getting up and felt drugged. I only took 50 for a couple of days. I broke the pills in half & have been taking 25 mg for several months.
I had very vivid dreams. Sometimes benign, sometimes anxious, often weird, and always very real and close to my wake up time. It wasn't bad enough to make me stop taking the med. I slept very well.
Most nights I didn't take it until 9 or 10 pm, because I'd be sleepy after 60-90 minutes. If I took it at 8, I'd be sleepy at 9:30, and that wouldn't leave me much of an evening after I put kids to bed. And I'm a night owl by nature and going to sleep at 9:30 is practically unthinkable.
But it takes 10+ hours for the med to get out of my system. So when I should be waking up at 5:30 or 6 am, I can't. I can barely get up at 6:45 to get the kids ready for school. If I don't set an alarm, like on the weekends, I will sleep until 9 am.
I have never been a morning person. And I've always felt like my wanting to sleep late is a moral failing (night owls, do you know what I mean?). It's a continual, degrading battle. I'll set my alarm for 5:30 and tell myself "tomorrow I WILL wake up on time!"
I never do. I hit the snooze for an hour or more. And so I feel like a moral failure every morning.
I think this habit is so ingrained, so deeply embedded in my personality, that I didn't stop and examine that I was making it worse by continuing to take the trazedone. I liked how I slept on it, I never woke up early anyway, so why stop even though it was getting harder & harder to wake up?
Monday I decided to stop taking the trazedone and try xanax again. The more work I do in OA, the more I am exploring how to stop the sabotage.
I am starting to wonder if the ideas that apply to addiction--that self-knowledge isn't powerful enough to change the behavoirs of an addict--apply to this kind of self-sabotage. It sure seems like it.
Yesterday I woke up at 5:15 with the birds. Literally. I'd slept with the window open, heard the birds singing (loudly--we have a lot of chatty birds in the neighborhood), and woke up. I wasn't sleepy. I got up and made coffee and had a wonderful morning of quiet time.
This morning, I hit the snooze for an hour. And I missed not having that quiet time.
Since self knowledge isn't enough to change my wake up time, I wonder if I can apply the same tools that I use with compulsive overeating to other areas like this in my life? Something to think about and talk with my sponsor about.