Good Day

Made it to WW to weigh in, even though I couldn't stay for the meeting b/c I had both kids with me. But I lost 1 pound, so I'm officially UNDER 200 on the WW scale. I weighed 199 today. Points drop to 24, which is fine since I've been eating at 24 for a week since my scale's been under 200 for a while.

Made it to the Gym today. I ran for 25 FULL minutes with no walking. I slowed my pace to 4.5 mph to make sure I got it all in without having to walk. And I did it. The whole time I ran at 4.5 MPH. I felt great during and afterward. I really really feel like a runner now.

Kids calling, dinner to help cook. More later......

Lately

It's been a while since I've journaled here. Lately I've been feeling way strung out, too many family illnesses, too many functions, too many people, too much, too much.

It's all caught up today. Last night was a very late night with fireworks (should not have done that), and baby was exhausted and daughter woke up sick this morning. Husband also has a stomach/intestinal thing, so we are all home today (except baby, I took him to day care). I am so out of sorts. Slept for about 4 hour nap. Haven't tracked food yesterday or today. No running for me today. No working either.

I don't have a solution yet, just complaints. Hoping to get a shower (it's 4 p.m. and I haven't even done that yet), go get the baby, and start fresh tonight with some non-crazy house cleaning or laundry and get ready for tomorrow. IF daughter is well. IF I don't get sick (as if that's allowed). IF baby stays healthy (please God).

Runner

Yesterday I ran for a total of 16 minutes. Walked 14 minutes. I am a RUNNER. Not fast, 5.0 mph run. But a runner nonetheless. Two 5 minute blocks of running at 5.0 mph. Two 3 minute blocks. Unbelievable that I am a runner.

Next week, I will be running for 20 minutes, as long as I keep on course. I WILL stay the course.

PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION TAKES A LONG TIME AND A LOT OF WORK.

Binging on my Mind

So this week I've had two days of bad binges. These things perpetuate themselves. Just when I think I have control, I don't. When I think it's stopped, it hasn't. Even though I worked out at lunch, my evening went to hell and I comforted myself in food. I ate well during the day, veggies and fruit. Then the evening comes and my demons take over.

Has it stopped now? I am afraid to know the truth. I refuse to quit this new lifestyle of eating veggies and fruit, counting Points, learning how to run. I AM GOING TO LOSE 60 POUNDS BEFORE I'M 40. Why can't this thought be there and the determination save me at 1 a.m. when I'm rooting through the kitchen cupboards? My food demons take over, moving me in directions I don't truly want to go, but have gone so many times before.

My scale is at 201 today. I should be happy it's not more. Deep breath, back on plan. Tomorrow is official weigh in day. I will be successful today.

Staying home, metal health day off of work. About 5 more hours to myself..... Ah, heaven.

the week and weekend

Tonight we went to the drive in, and I planned a movie candy and popcorn treat, and stuck to my plan. Had enough points to not dip into the extras. Woohoo!

I worked out today, day 3 of 3rd week of running program. At the end of the workout, I ran for 2.5 minutes @ 4.7 mph. Thats the longest I've jogged. It felt great.

Wanted to do yoga tomorrow at 9 a.m. but kids didn't get to sleep until almost 11 pm. and I'm still awake after midnight.... so I'm guessing we're all going to be too tired to be up and somewhere at 9 a.m.

Falling asleep now.... Will write more tomorrow.

personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

2 hours and 15 minutes to myself

Tonight I got to go jogging/walking for 20 minutes AND took a 90 minute (NINETY MINUTES!) Yoga class. Mark kept the kids, even picked them up at day care and took them with him to the gym while he worked out. I didn't realize the yoga class was 90 instead of 60 minutes, had no watch on or clock in the yoga studio, so I had no idea until I was in the lobby after class that it was 7:45 p.m. As I was checking out, my cell phone rang. It was my husband wanting to know how soon I'd be home. But I wasn't annoyed b/c I had a great class and had been by myself, out of the office since 5:30 pm. For 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was heavenly.

Yoga was hard, but I did better than I thought I would. Depressing to see all the belly fat--where did that come from? I'm used to the big behind, have had it even at my thinnest, but my stomach looks 3 months pregnant. Getting older, babies, no muscle tone--I suppose this makes for a pudgy tummy. I want it gone.

So, keeping on track for today.

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

At Last!

The scale finally moved in the right direction this morning. 202. Down 4 lbs from Saturday. I knew I was retaining water, but it helps so much to see the confirmation of it on the scale. If I can hold it, then I'll be down about 4 lbs for the 4 weeks with WW. I can definitely handle that. That's 52 pounds a year.

What's my ultimate goal weight? I'd love to be down to 135, but even at my thinnest at age 23 I was 145. Can I get to 135 in my late 30s? I have absolutely no idea. At this point, I'd be thrilled to get into a size 12 in regular clothing stores and never have to shop at fat girl stores again. That's my goal for the end of 2006--to be a size 12. That might be aggressive, and if I end up at a loose 14 by Christmas, that's okay too. By next summer, I want to be a size 12. Then by Christmas of 2007 I want to be a size 10.... by 2008, a size 8. I think these are numbers and time frames that are attainable.

More goals--I want to run a 5K this fall. There are plenty in the area, and I am going to sign up for one and DO IT! Not sure I'll ever run a marathon, but I could perhaps do the 1/2 marathon in Evansville next year.....

Today is day 2 of week 2 of 5k program. I want to start yoga, but not sure if that will happen today or not.

Happy to be making positive progress.

PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION TAKES A LONG TIME AND A LOT OF WORK

Impatient

I want to lose this weight faster. My net loss at WW is 2.2 pounds. Friday weigh in, and I pray I have lost, otherwise it will be 2.? pounds in one month. Discouraging. Better than a gain, but still frustrating.

Tomorrow is jog/walk day #2 of week 2. Looking forward to it. I also want to try Yoga at 6:15 p.m., and hope I have enough energy to do both activities in one day.

I love my Amazon Women and the gifts we girls give each other every day in our thoughts and posts.

Today's weight

Day 12 on WW. My scale: 205, down .5 from yesterday. Feeling good on WW points. Sticking to it. Did first day of walk/jog yesterday... from the couch to 5K plan. THAT felt great.

Wednesday

Today I woke up with a scratchy throat and sinus yuckiness. Now I feel positively crummy. I slept late and didn't get to work until 11:30. While home in the shower, I had a mini breakdown. I had eaten 12 donut holes and felt like crap, depressed that I was going to be late for work again. Depressed that I was fat, weighing 207... up 4 pounds in a few weeks. Depressed because I'm depressed. I think the zoloft switch to lexapro is messing with me.

I recognized that I just wanted to bury my feelings today. While in the shower, I thought if only I could shop online or in a catalog, I'll feel better. I had already eaten donuts and had coffee, so didn't want more food. But shopping would help. I didn't buy anything, but realizing it didn't really help either.

I'm just such a mess. I get myself ready for work and get the kids going, but I feel like a total fraud, so incapable of anything. WHY? Why can't I be normal? I don't want to be like this anymore.

Tonight I ate 4 cookies and raw cookie dough out of the fridge, after a cheeseburger and shake. Yesterday we had pizza and cookies. Junk food junkies. This has got to stop. I just don't know how to make it stop.

Blogger?

So I started this b/c another Amazon.com/Frances friend had a blog and I wanted to post a comment. Not sure how active I'll be here, but I love the idea of an online journal. This may be the only way I keep a journal on a regular basis. We'll see. Off to work!
LMN