Friday, November 16, 2012

Calling my sponsor to work out negative thoughts (161.0)

This is my Facebook profile pic.

Yesterday I had planned to get my second run in for the week (Tuesday I had a great three miles, and last Saturday I had a fabulous five mile run).  But I unexpectedly had to work late then had a church meeting at 5:45 then choir at 7, so no running.

I *needed* to run yesterday.  It's a miracle I didn't kill anyone.  Ha.

I'd had lunch yesterday with a girlfriend and she'd made an offhand comment that bothered me all afternoon.  This is the friend who I gave my size 8 & 10 clothing to back in 2010 when I couldn't fit into them anymore.  I am getting close to being able to wear 10s, and so I asked her if she had anything she wasn't wearing.  She asked me, "so are you losing weight?"

I fumbled around and said yeah, I've been losing and figure I'll be wearing 10s in a couple of months. She said she's wearing all her clothes.  Didn't offer to give me back what I'd lent her.  Which is fine. She works at a bank & has to dress up every day, and her funds are very limited, and it's not that big a deal.

The "are you losing weight" comment is what stuck in my craw. 

I'm at that place in weight loss where *I* notice the differences--the labels on my clothes are a size smaller, I can see my collar bones & the tendons in my feet, my running speed is increasing, I can wear 34Ds again--but the outside world doesn't notice.  I tell myself it doesn't matter, and that I don't need affirmation from anyone else.

But the insecure, needy, "please recognize me!" part of my brain calls BS on that.

Between all that mental garbage and the long, stressful day, I wanted to eat.  I wasn't craving a particular food. I was just a tied up ball of feelings, and I didn't like it.  I wanted to get numb.

So when I got home last night around 8:45p, I helped get the kids to bed then called my sponsor. 

This is one of the strengths of OA.  I didn't have to eat because I could talk to someone who understands what I'm going through and who can help me redirect my thinking and behavior.

One thing Ami told me was I didn't have to hang out in the bad neighborhood of those icky thoughts.  My self worth is determined by my Creator, not the outside world.

Or the scale.  I was pissed at 161 this morning.  I know it's because I'm bloated from lunch yesterday (tilapia and 2 veggie skewers, with lots of sodium) and because I'm at mid cycle when I don't lose weight.  But I was still upset.

I'm moving along though, not hanging out in the neighborhood of icky thoughts.  I'm sharing with you, blowing the thoughts away, finishing my work day, going for a run this afternoon, and having an abstinent dinner.

And then I get go do it all over again tomorrow. 

I'm going to need lots of tools to get me through the next week & a half.  We are hosting Thanksgiving and I'm already stressed about how much I have to do. 

I am going to have to watch my AFTERS very carefully.  I'm thankful I have an arsenal of tools. They will be put to the test. 

I am weak, but my higher power & my OA program is strong.


jen said...

I wouldn't loan that one any more clothes. Sounds like she thought they were a donation and not a loan.

I have my "skinny clothes," such as they are, in a closet upstairs. And some "fat clothes" too.

Vickie said...

My brother's former wife did that to a friend with maternity clothes. The friend thought she was loaning. My SIL SOLD them after her baby was born. The friend had a surprise baby the next year and there were NONE. In SIL defense, to look the the friend's age and circumstance, I would have thought she was DONE too.

Do you see still your friend wearing them? Is it possible they are gone and that is why she did not offer?

If you have a few key pieces that you LOVED, you could look on ebay to see if by chance they are there. I did that with a jacket when I needed the next size down. Normally I am not big on ebay, but it was a great way to find a very specific item.

Curious what you did about your food that very busy night. One because it is a night that has troubled you in past. Two because you were disappointed you had to work late and did not get a run on your 'kid free night'. Three because I am always curious.

Vickie said...

youngest's protein bars. I don't eat them. You asked which ones the girls eat. Youngest has a hard time with many of them (bothering her stomach or not tasting good to her). these are the best numbers we can find that work for her.

Jill said...

Did you feel better after you talked to your sponsor?

I'm glad you have OA - I think it's your ticket out.

Laura N said...

It's possible she sold them. Who knows. And yes, no way I'm loaning her anything else.

Food that day--I ate dinner at work around 5, celery, apple, frozen vegetarian meal. Didn't eat anything else that night.

I did feel better after I talked to her. I had talked to Mark too, before I talked to Ami. It always feels better to get it out of my head & shine the light on it.