I think it helps to get all that negative crap out of my head and onto the blog. Somehow, it makes room for positive thoughts to get in. Ya know? Thanks for all your comments. They always, always help.
I've been mulling over the "what I did right in 2007" thing. I figure I ought to, like, go read my own blog so I can tell my 2011 self what I was doing in 2007. I mean, I've got a little time machine (ala Blogger) in my hands--why the heck not use it?
I read one post from March yesterday before I had to leave to pick up the kids. It was March 30, 2007. This bit me in the butt:
20 pounds is when it really starts to show. It's almost like the first 20 don't mean anything to anyone but me, then all of the sudden people start to notice. "Hey, are you losing weight?" "Um, yeah, I have been for like 3 months and you're just now noticing."
Not sure if I'm ready for the attention that it will bring though. I like compliments, don't get me wrong. But something happens around that time in my weight loss (at least in the past) when I've gotten down to a size 12 and I start to really look good, that I start gaining it all back again. It's not going to happen this time (I'm way too invested to blow it this time), but I have to keep in mind my uncomfortable feelings and guard myself from eating my way through them.
Clearly I have a "compliments" issue. I like being noticed, but I'm uncomfortable being noticed. I want to lose weight, but when I do I am missing a layer of protection (Vickie writes about this a lot, especially regarding the last 20 pounds she lost), and then I put the layer of protection back on. This is kick-ass fodder for therapy. Woot!
I love how cocky I was--"it's not going to happen this time." I hear the Biggest Loser contestants say that all the time. I love that show, and I love what they are doing for people on the show and how inspiring the contestants are. But what they do there is one big fat set up for failure, if there ever was one. You can't maintain that lifestyle in real life. I wonder how many contestants have regained their weight? I watched the "where are they now?" show last year (I've actually watched it a couple times on hulu.com), and one girl said Dr. H told her she'd have to workout 90 minutes 6 days a week to keep her weight off. And she said, "you know what, he's right." There are obviously some people they interviewed that had gained some back, and one winner who gained it all back. I don't judge these people (anymore). I AM those people. I just wish TBL did a better job of talking about real life and food and real life, instead of focusing on the gym so darn much. I guess prepping food and eating it on TV isn't the ratings gold that getting a beating from Jillian is.
Speaking of the gym... Tuesday I got a call from the membership sales person at our city's Fancy Gym. They are running a 20% discount on summer memberships (which we've done the past two years--they have a fabulous pool) and we can use the club NOW. And would we like to sign up?
Hell yeah, I want to sign up. Fancy Gym was one of the things I had going for me in 2007. It's the only gym that has enough classes that I can do them on a regular basis. So you know what? I took myself (with the blessings of my boss, aka my husband) to the gym at 9 am and did a body pump class. It was bliss. I love lifting weights. I do have an issue with my left arm, because of the nerve compression issue that's still hanging around, so I'm having to modify biceps significantly (and my arm is hurting, so I think I still overdid it even though I baby'd it). They have Zumba, which I've never done. And yoga, and mat pilates (and fancy pilates with the machines soon, but that's still in the works as they are remodeling right now), and kick boxing. And oodles of treadmills and a huge indoor track and weight machines and free weights.
I took all my get-ready stuff with me, and was out of the shower and ready in 45 minutes. Plus, there's free hot water! free shampoo and conditioner! free hairspray! free body lotion! This place is going to pay for itself in a few weeks. :) The water must be softened because my hair is soooo soft and manageable. That's enough to get me to the gym every morning.
I really am excited about the working out thing. Classes are always where I've enjoyed exercising the most. Once I get some weight off (did you hear that tiny whisper of hope in that statement?!), it will be easier to run. I love running, but it's really hard to do at 185 pounds.
Today I'm enjoying the smell of success--in the form of the gym's body lotion. It smells yummy.