I read a couple of enlightening books this weekend. One that I finished (on my Kindle. love my Kindle) is Jennette Fulda's Chocolate & Vicodin (she's The Pasta Queen who also wrote Half-Assed, her memoir about losing over 200 pounds, which I also have read). The other book is Jessica Berger Gross's enLIGHTened. I still have about a third of her book left to finish.
I loved Jennette's memoir about her chronic headache. I like the way she writes--it's an easy, fun read. Which is to say, she makes her misery entertaining. That sounds horrible, and I don't mean it the way it comes across. I was more fascinated by the idea of not being able to get rid of pain, no matter what the doctors--both traditional and non-traditional--did for her. I am not a chronic pain sufferer, but I still enjoyed her book and got a lot out of it. Pick it up if you can. You'll not regret it.
What most has stuck with me-- when her headache starts to get better, she is scared that if her life is crap because of her headache, what happens if the headache goes away (or at least is manageable) and her life is still crap?
This speaks to my post a few weeks ago "do you want to be healed?" I'm still working though that one. If I were healed, and I didn't need food for my crutch anymore, could I handle it? When I think about getting my sugar/flour/fat foods taken away from me, it's scary.
So, why is it scary? Jessica's book talks about how she filled her loneliness and sadness with food. The way she writes about how she copes with her estranged relationship with her dad and mom really struck home with me.
It got me thinking about why I sabotage myself with food. I started paying attention to how I felt this weekend BEFORE I put the junk in my mouth. Before the kids even went to bed Saturday night, I wanted cereal. I was feeling lonely, and they were still with me. But Mark wasn't feeling well and I knew that as soon as they were in bed, I'd be alone.
Most nights, when my eating blows up, it's because I'm by myself in the family room/kitchen. Alone. I am by nature about half and half introverted/extroverted. I like being alone. At least that's what I tell myself, when I'm sitting watching TV or reading and feeding my face at the same time. Alone. Obviously there's something else going on.
I already know that I'm soothing myself, and pushing down feelings. I haven't wanted to examine what those feelings are, though, because then I have to deal with them. And dealing with them--and fixing them--means I will have to give up my food routines of soothing myself.
I don't know if I'm ready for that.
So. I've got work to do. My therapist mentioned in our first appointment several weeks ago Geneen Roth's books. I had one of her paperbacks decades ago, I think it was When Food Is Love, but it's long gone. I got a couple books of hers on my Kindle last night; and I ordered her workbook in paperback.
I meet with my therapist again on Thursday. I didn't get to see her last week, and I should have. I need to see her weekly, still. I had a hard weekend.
Today, I got up and went to the gym and took 30 minutes of Zumba (missed the first 15 minutes) and a 60 minute Group Active class (20 minutes step, 20 minutes light upper body work, 10 minutes balance & core, 5 minutes stretching). Zumba was a hoot. I can't dance, but it didn't matter. I've at least got the booty for it! I did sweat, and I'm sure that once my core is stronger I'll sweat even more in that class.
I broke down and went back to the diet doctor and got a refill on my Adipex meds. Just one month's worth. I don't really think they work after a few weeks. It's a jump start on the food front, to take the crazy food thoughts away for a while, so maybe I can think straight about why I have crazy food thoughts in the first place. And how I can get them down to a manageable level.