Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tough Truths (184.6)

I'm facing some pretty rough realizations lately.

1) I haven't lost any weight for over a year and a half.  Pretty much all I've done is gain weight since the end of 2009.  It's, in all seriousness, like I've forgotten how.

2) I keep asking myself "what's wrong with me?" when I feed my food addiction over and over and over.  Should I instead be asking myself "what was RIGHT with me in 2007?"

3) I rarely get compliments any more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm just making an observation.  When I was thinner, people would say how cute *I* looked.  Heck, I even got whistled or honked at by random strangers (like, two times, but I remember them both very well).  Now, it's how cute my dress or my blouse is (IF it's cute... I only have a few things worth commenting on).

4) I may be, on some unknown level, terrified of getting those compliments again.  But I'm annoyed (ok, I'll admit it, it's not just an observation. It makes me sad) that I don't get complimented anymore.

5) I don't know what it's going to take to get me back to that place again, where I can do what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy.  And not knowing if or when I can get back there is somehow paralyzing me.

6) My husband is back to weighing 200 pounds.  By doing NOTHING.  No eating plan, no exercise.  He's just stopped filling his face with crap, and in about 3 months has lost 20-25 pounds.  He announced yesterday that he was under 200 pounds.  Instead of feeling happy for him, I felt mad and depressed. 

7) Once I hit 170 pounds, it was like I breathed 10 times and BOOM I weighed 180+.  The last 15 pounds came on in a stupidly quick fashion.  I'm really scared I'm going to put on another 15 in a blink, and weigh more than my husband does.  Again.

8) I hate being this size. I'm in size 14s, and the dresses look ok (thank God for boob-high Assets, so no muffin top when I'm squeezing in my saddle bags), but my pants are all tight.  I hate that I'm going to Florida in a little over a month, and I have to buy new summer clothes to wear.  I hate spending money on clothes I hate.  I'd rather spend it on my kids having fun on vacation.  Or on myself having fun on vacation.

9) I will probably have to buy a size 18 bathing suit.  Shit.

10) Being obese again hurts.  Really, awfully, terribly much.  I just want to be normal again.  I don't know how to get there.

This bummer of a post has been brought to you by WPMS....


MCM Mama said...

{{{HUGS}}} I wish I had some real, usable advice, but all I can do is let you know I'm thinking about you.

I will say that since I turned 40, I'm having a harder time keeping my weight down, despite my generally good eating habits and lots of running. Getting older is so frustrating...

jen said...

I am listening to a podcast series called "Inside Out Weight Loss." The host talks about asking yourself if there is a part of you that objects to being thinner. I am starting to look for those blocks -- I know what some of them are -- and try to address them. Continually hammering at myself for not following my food plan isn't going to help if I don't address those deeper issues.

I know you're seeing a therapist -- maybe that will help.

Vickie said...

I (normally) avoid commenting on these types of posts like the plague. But will comment here as you will just look at it as what I think and not personal.

first, consider taking this post to your next therapy appt (and I would be curious what she has to say).

please do not fall into the trap of thinking age has a single thing to do with it. mostly what age has to do with weight loss is we have that many more years of being cemented in our habits. My opinion is that what we think of as being age related is actually food related. we might not be able to get away with food habits that we could in earlier years, we might have to change, but it is just as doable. (I started in my 40's and just turned 50 and there are many successful weight loss/maintenance people older than I am).

I relate to much of what you said because I was dealing with having to lose weight and also deal with 'the crazies'.

I decided to drop the weight and then work on my inner stuff. I think that is part of why I have always done well, the weight is not the be all end all, it is one part of a lot of parts for me. and if you didn't know me that would sound like my weight is all still on and I am in denial. but my weight is all off and I am very much in touch with my own realities.

I have been able to actually SEE the levels of this as I have dropped my weight over time. I have gone through very tangible layers with the last 20 lbs in particular. The mental difference between the high end of normal bmi and the lower end, has been huge adjustment. when that last layer of protection came off, it was big deal and a lot of work. But by the time I got there, I was ready to deal and be better. the not dealing, in the end, was much harder on me, for all those years, than the dealing. but I did have to have my weight off to work through all of that. NOT saying weight has to be all the way off to start. I started early in the process. but somehow the weight and then inner stuff are very related. Have to work on both.

Vickie said...

in general in weight loss land, I see several things:

people who lose weight based on substitute food, tend to not be able to maintain. I think it is because they have no practice in dealing with real food. they seem to have a 'done' feeling when they are near their goal weight and stop eating their plan/packaged food. that done feeling is the kiss of death (in my opinion).

people put all their 'eggs' in the exercise basket. for most of us, no amount of exercise will work off bad food choices. the food has to be in line to at least maintain. I agree, for serious weight loss, quality/regular exercise is needed (resistance and cario in my opinion).

Insulin resistance people who think they can just count calories/points and not look at the composition of the food. I can't tell you how often I see people in weight loss blog land with all their weight on their torso/belly commenting on how they just can't lose weight. I am not saying YOU are insulin resistant. I am just saying - I see a lot of people in weight loss blog land who are counting calories/points but eating mostly carbs. healthy carbs, but carbs none the less.

people who are just determine to eat most of their food in processed form or eat restaurant food. they call this being able to be 'normal'. I have a couple meals at a couple local restaurants which I can eat in an emergency. They will cook with no sauce, no oil, no butter, no (additional) salt on a dry grill. but that concept is very rare in the world of take out or restaurant. there are vegetarian restaurants in my town which would be automatic regain for me - sodium, processed and carbs are very high. Ditto with deli at my food coop. "they are trying to trick you" is how I explain this to my kids.

I think the fact that you have sort of 'had it' is probably a good sign. I would not be very happy if I had to buy bigger size clothes either. It is good that you don't like this (in my opinion).

how you handle your food between now and vacation and also while on vacation will also be very telling. if you have the mentality that you might as well not do anything now, but will wait until after vacation. or that you will not be careful on vacation because, well, you are on vacation, will say a lot about where your mind really is.

Vickie said...

I have a collection of links on my side bar called something like 'plateaus and stalls'. there is a lot of information there which can be really helpful. I am SO not saying low carb is always the answer. I am saying that composition of carbs, fat, protein within calories is a key factor for most people. and most people do not understand this. but people do have to have different percentages based on their metabolisms. one of the links in my collection is Dr Oz video talking about this concept and then three categories that he thinks we (all) are. and I personally do not think most people can lose weight with processed food simply because it is too hard to know what you are actually getting. The additivies and combination of salt/sugar just is too hard to calculate.

Jill said...

1) I can relate - I stopped losing weight about that time too. I was able to maintain for a while but in the last 12 months I have gained it all back. Plus some

5)I'm terrified too that I'll be this way forever. I just dont' know if I have what it takes to lose it all.

6) Stupid men!!

7) ME TOO!! It's scary how fast it happened.

9) I laughed at this one ONLY because I said the very same thing a few days ago!

You don't need me to tell you that we are mirror images, and I have to hang on to the hope that we will get our mojo back. I have a flicker of hope, and that makes me think that you do too. Somehow sister, we'll get there. xoxo