I'm facing some pretty rough realizations lately.
1) I haven't lost any weight for over a year and a half. Pretty much all I've done is gain weight since the end of 2009. It's, in all seriousness, like I've forgotten how.
2) I keep asking myself "what's wrong with me?" when I feed my food addiction over and over and over. Should I instead be asking myself "what was RIGHT with me in 2007?"
3) I rarely get compliments any more. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm just making an observation. When I was thinner, people would say how cute *I* looked. Heck, I even got whistled or honked at by random strangers (like, two times, but I remember them both very well). Now, it's how cute my dress or my blouse is (IF it's cute... I only have a few things worth commenting on).
4) I may be, on some unknown level, terrified of getting those compliments again. But I'm annoyed (ok, I'll admit it, it's not just an observation. It makes me sad) that I don't get complimented anymore.
5) I don't know what it's going to take to get me back to that place again, where I can do what I need to do to lose weight and get healthy. And not knowing if or when I can get back there is somehow paralyzing me.
6) My husband is back to weighing 200 pounds. By doing NOTHING. No eating plan, no exercise. He's just stopped filling his face with crap, and in about 3 months has lost 20-25 pounds. He announced yesterday that he was under 200 pounds. Instead of feeling happy for him, I felt mad and depressed.
7) Once I hit 170 pounds, it was like I breathed 10 times and BOOM I weighed 180+. The last 15 pounds came on in a stupidly quick fashion. I'm really scared I'm going to put on another 15 in a blink, and weigh more than my husband does. Again.
8) I hate being this size. I'm in size 14s, and the dresses look ok (thank God for boob-high Assets, so no muffin top when I'm squeezing in my saddle bags), but my pants are all tight. I hate that I'm going to Florida in a little over a month, and I have to buy new summer clothes to wear. I hate spending money on clothes I hate. I'd rather spend it on my kids having fun on vacation. Or on myself having fun on vacation.
9) I will probably have to buy a size 18 bathing suit. Shit.
10) Being obese again hurts. Really, awfully, terribly much. I just want to be normal again. I don't know how to get there.
This bummer of a post has been brought to you by WPMS....