I had one of the best birthdays ever Wednesday. It was my 41st. (didn't I just turn 40?!)
But before I go to Wednesday, let me back up a few days.
Monday was a rainy, icky day. Usually on a day like this, I'd be sunk--feeling sad, no energy, eating all things sugary. But I felt good all day. I felt stable, not depressed. All day and night. I met with my new psychiatrist at my new therapists office that night(more on that in a bit), after I did one mile on the treadmill at the gym. All I had time for was one mile. But I went. And I did something.
Tuesday was sunshiny and I did OK.
Wednesday was the day of extraordinary pampering. Mark and the kids woke me up with breakfast in bed (pancakes, turkey bacon, strawberries, OJ--yes, I ate it all and it was fabulous). And presents--Sophie made me a bracelet, Luke painted a picture for me that Mark had framed for the wall, and Mark gave me a sweet card, a dozen pink roses, and the day off (which was the best gift ever).
After I got Sophie on the bus and Luke to day care, I took myself to the spa for a 3 hour spoil-me-rotten session (on the gift card from Mark that he got me for our anniversary in March). I got a massage, a facial, and a pedicure (blue is the new red for toenails this year, just so ya know). I was in heaven.
Then I went to Panera for lunch (on the giftcard from my coworker Sara), and ate a salad outside in the sunshine. After I was finished eating, I stayed put and read Tina Fey's Bossypants (which is brilliantly funny) on my Kindle, in the sunshine. Did I mention there was sunshine? Then I went to Dillard's and found a great new dress (for Easter mostly, but also because I wanted to dress up for dinner).
After I got all spiffed up, I picked up the kids and met Mark for dinner at Bonefish Grill. I ate well, but wasn't stuffed (martini, 1/2 appetizer, salad, and 1/2 coconut pie--which was my "cake"). Then Sophie & I went to church for choir practice, which always refreshes me because I love singing in the choir. Got home, got kids to bed, read CS Lewis's The Magician's Nephew to Luke (which we both are loving, so much).
Then I went and hugged on my husband for helping make my day so wonderfully fabulous. I really was practically high all day. And that hasn't happened in, gosh, ages and ages.
Thursday was back to work, and it was the day from h-e-double hockey sticks. Well, not really, but it was intensely frustrating. My blackberry got taken over by Facebook (I have no idea how), which jacked up my ability to sync to my Outlook calendar & contacts. I spent almost 3 hours on the phone with Verizon tech support to get the thing fixed. During the down times while we waited on the phone to do it's thing (we had to wipe it completely & start over from scratch), I worked on my Dad's taxes on Turbo Tax. Talk about no fun. I had to go through all the receipts and stuff from his home care and medical expenses. I've been putting it off, obviously, because it's a lot of pain to deal with.
A good thing my therapy appointment was Thursday afternoon. I got to unload on Julie, and I didn't lose it. I also have to tell you that I'm dealing with the mortgage company forclosing on Dad's house (It's terribly upside down--neither of us wanted to put $50,000 a piece into it, so my sister & I decided to let it go. For me, it was a no brainer--way too many painful memories there). I got the paperwork on that last week, and talked to the attorney this week. So there's a lot of stuff going on that bringing up a lot of Dad memories, and I'm keeping it together so far. Julie felt good about that, and so did I.
We also talked about my relationship with Mark, which was some good stuff but pretty personal, so I'll skip the update on that. I meet with her again in two weeks (next week was full for her, and it was for me too, because it's Holy Week).
Did I mention I did 45 minutes on the treadmill Thursday morning after Sophie got on the school bus? Yeah, I did. It really helped carry me through the crapola.
Now today, it's back to rainy and stormy, and I still feel stable. Not down or weepy. I had my second acupuncture appointment today, and felt refreshed and chillaxed afterwards. I got to grocery shop in peace tonight, while Sophie was at a Girl Scout's event and Mark had Luke.
So those are the nitty gritties. Good stuff, and I'm feeling fairly happy.
Here's the interesting bits.
I started taking myself off of Wellbutrin a few weeks ago--the usual titration routine. I've weaned myself off antidepressants several times, so I know what to watch for and how to do it. No brain zaps (wellbutrin is the easiest to get off of, in my experience). I'm guessing part of my intense melancholy over the past few weeks could be related to this (circumstances were crazy out of control, though, so I'm not blaming it all on the med withdrawal). As of Monday I'd been off completely for 6 days. I asked the psychiatrist if it would be all out of my system--she said for sure, since I'd been titrating for a couple weeks before that. I think, in my non-doctor opinion, that getting the medicine that wasn't working out of my brain is helping my brain work like it's supposed to.
I asked if I could wait to go back on something else. Do therapy, do acupuncture, eat well, exercise, let summer work it's magic, and see how I do. If I feel myself slipping, she is right there and I can get back on something (we discussed celexa and cymbalta, since I've tried lexapro, prozac, and zoloft already, and know that I gain/keep on weight with all three of those). In 2007 when I lost 55 pounds, I was on no meds for almost an entire year. It wasn't until my SAD kicked in that I started taking Wellbutrin (in January 2008).
So I know I can do mentally healthy all by myself. Whether or not this will stick, is anyone's guess. I'm not against taking meds. I just don't want to jack up my brain by adding another chemical back in, if it needs to chill out for a while. Which is what feels right (and my therapist agrees is OK).
The other interesting thing: I'm trying a new "diet." Fruits and veggies! Shocking, I know. I should write a book. Actually, Mark has been talking about going Vegan for a while (his brother in Colorado is, I think I mentioned this already). The girls at the spa doing pedicures talked about a detox diet that was fruits, veggies, and protein powder (there was more to it than that, but you get the drift). I felt like the universe was telling me "start eating fruits and veggies already, and you'll lose this weight."
So yesterday that's what I did. And also today. I'm not starving myself, and I did have lean chicken for lunch with my spinach salad. I'm not eliminating carbs, just taking them way down, and avoiding junk food. I am planning on using my LA Lite bars for my treats, just like I did when I was on their plan in 2007, so I don't feel deprived. It's worked for 2 days. The big news is that I'm in a mind set of "eat a piece of fruit instead of cookies" and "eat veggies for lunch and dinner" and "I'm not eating that piece of carby deliciousness! it's not a veggie or fruit." At this point, seriously, anything is better than what I had been doing, which is nothing, so this is a victory. And I'm going with it.
Hoping for some good weather this weekend so I can haul my butt around the 'hood and get some miles on my feet. Hope you enjoy yours!