Thursday, November 13, 2008

151.6 - Self Destruct

I am in major self destruct mode. And it's all emotional/stress/worry/hormones.

Food continues to be my place for solace. And margaritas (only one a night, but I'm so tempted to start having two). And last night I even took a whole xanax to ensure I'd fall asleep and stay asleep. I've not been having to take them lately, and when I do it's usually just a half. But yesterday was a really bad day.

I won't get into the food porn (you're welcome, Debby ;). But obviously it's not been great.

I have been cooking a lot lately. Real meals, like every night. Last night I made a simple chicken cordon bleu that I found from Kraft's website (love their recipes--simple & easy, even though they are generally not low calorie, but they are very homey and comforting). And I also made Roni's Big Simple Cupcakes (chocolate fudge cake mix + can of pumpkin + 2/3 cup water; mix for 3 minutes; bake at 325... how simple is that? They are very moist.) The night before I made Roni's black bean/zucchini wontons, which are also yummy. And this morning I made a pizza baked pasta for some friends of ours who recently had a baby.

I'm starting to feel like a for really reals cook.

Now I just gotta get my mind right and my eating will follow.

The worry is eating away at me (no pun intended). It's a lot of thou shalt not blog about stuff, but just look at the stock market from yesterday and you'll probably be able to figure it out if you know me well.

I didn't feel any better after my Food Fest last night. Obviously, I felt worse when I woke up this morning, all cotton mouthed & bloated. I was determined to weigh, damn the numbers.

And it's not horrible. 6 months ago I'd have been thrilled with 151.6. The problem is that I reached my Happy Weight recently--146 really really agreed with me--and now that I've tasted what it's like to have a sub-30" waist, and thighs that don't strain against my pant legs, and boobs that fit nicely inside 34C's (they fit today, but they are quite voluptuous which is not what I'm going for), it kinda sucks to be back here, 5 pounds heavier.

Sigh. Am I ready to get past the emotional shit I'm dealing with and do The Diet again? How much do I want that happy weight anyway?

I've always said it takes energy to lose weight. Energy that you have to find from somewhere, just for you. Right now my energy is drained away, sucked dry from my body like Tom Hank's character in Joe Vs. the Volcano when he thinks he has a brain cloud and the florescent lights in his oppressive office are suck suck sucking the life out of him (LOVE that movie. One of my all time favorites).

I've not made great food choices today. But I've got my gym bag packed and am planning to run and then take a yoga class while Sophie swims (I did do the weights class Tuesday, and I'm still sore from that. Love it).

Exercise always brings energy back to me. Hopefully it will help me turn a corner, once again.


Vickie said...

it sounds as if you have
a 5 pound UP leeway.

I don't think I have ever seen Joe vs Volcano - I'll watch for it.

Jill said...

Oh honey, you do need a good run. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way - it sucketh mightily, I know!

You'll get over this one, just like you've gotten through all the other rough times.

And here's the cowbell reference - I hope it makes you smile!

MCM Mama said...

{{{HUGS}}} I hope the workouts helped today. I totally know what you mean though. I feel so much better when I'm 5 pounds lighter, but it takes so much work to stay there that sometimes I wonder if it's worth it and if I can find the energy to do it.

debby said...

That was a really funny comment directed at me Laura. I am sitting here literally falling asleep trying to read blogs after 12 hours of work, and then I caught that and laughed out loud!

Well, I think the big simple cupcakes with a bit of cool whip will do for my 'cake longings.'

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Today I've been thinking about how strong my body feels, and how things don't jiggle anymore, and I was thinking 'if I looked like Laura, then I would look like I feel.'

You just look wonderful, Laura. Maybe during this stressful time you can work on learning to be content where you are. I GET how you want to lose that 5 pounds. I just had that same conversation with my BF yesterday about how I remember how I felt and looked with the 6-8 pounds off.

But you are really dealing with quite enough for one person right now. Maybe just try real hard to maintain?? BTW, really impressed with your cooking choices!

MizFit said...

man all the commenters before me have nailed it all mightily and mighty articulately.

hope you get a chance this weekend to chill. just be still.

and that the work out made you feel better...more energized.

xo xo,