Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Safe at this size (168.0)

I've been bopping around 170 pounds for a couple of months now.  Last week I started thinking about the Why of this plateau.
And I realize it's not a long plateau and not (necessarily) a big deal, but I'd still call it a plateau.
When I first started writing this blog, I regularly read a blog by Jonathan.  He wrote the best explanation of what a plateau is (back in 2006... how quickly time passes) that I've ever read.  The key point is this:
‘When you are experiencing a true plateau –that is, you are not gaining, and you are not losing– it is the result of the fact that your desire to change is exactly equal to your desire to stay the same.’

This Truth has nothing to do with playing scale games, making up excuses like "I'm building muscle and that's why I'm not losing weight" or "I'm eating too many carrots" (which some weight counselor once told a blogger was why she wasn't losing weight).  

It's an in-your-face, look at what you're really doing kind of explanation for a plateau.

I am at that point of exactly equal.

My desire to stay the same stems from:

I don't feel obese anymore.  Size 12 is average.  I am still overweight, but I can run and lift weights and hold my body weight in pilates.  I'm not eating sugar or processed foods as my main meals (although my nights are still a problem as far as that goes).  My husband likes the way I look.  And I feel good.

But all that combined isn't the true, deep down reason for staying this weight.  The real reason is that I feel SAFE at this size.

Nobody comments on my body or my clothes.  Nobody asks if I've lost weight.  Nobody asks me about diets or exercise or "what's your secret?"

At this size, I'm still invisible.

Understand, though, that Safe isn't where I want to be.  Safe is not a happy place.   The need to feel Safe stems from childhood damage and comments from men I received when I was thin in 2008 and recent issues with my uncle.  I wrote in detail about the need to be invisible here.

Deep down, who I want to be is what Vickie described in her zip line post (which I found easily because Vickie is the Queen of Tags, and yes indeed, she has a tag for "zip line."  Love it).  I want to feel like this, as Vickie wrote in this post:
"I am not an average person.

That illusive "normal' that bloggers often think about wanting to be.

I am above, beyond, better than a 'normal' person. Because the average joe in line at the license bureau is a 'normal person'.

And what I do to take care of myself is beyond what those people know, do, understand.

And what I have, physically and emotionally is (in my opinion) beyond what they have too."
Getting beyond Safe is, I believe, going to take some more therapy sessions.  I don't know any other way to get past it.  I had the breakthrough of understanding a few months ago.  Now I need the breakthrough of change, so that I can get my head around learning to live beyond Safe, beyond Normal.

Deep down, I know I can be that person.  Now to start digging through the layers to bring that deep down belief to the surface.


Vickie said...

give yourself a lot of credit you are holding through the emotional zigzag of this point in time. You didn't get to size 12 and have a freakout and regain. You are poking around the edges of figuring the emotional component out and you are HOLDING while you figure it. That is a good thing.

and if I had not had a zipline label, you would have been able to put zipline in the quiery box and it would haved popped up with that post too. but, yes, I try to set posts up so people (including me) can go back and find them.

Vickie said...


Helen said...

Excellent post and reminders for me right now too (although one difference -- I just wrote a post about how I'm not losing, but apparently look like I am and feel it in my clothes)

Laura N said...

Helen, I know from experience and you know from experience that you can stay the same weight but have your body change significantly--either for bad or worse.

My friend Debra has lost 6 pounds since last year, but is the same clothing size (size 8). She hasn't worked out with weights in over a year, so she is losing muscle tone. (she works full time, has 3 kids, and is going back to school, so she has no time or energy to do much anymore).

If you are staying the same weight but look like you're losing and your clothes are fitting better, then I don't think you're playing scale games, like I described. It sounds like you're changing your body composition. That is a FABULOUS thing. I'd rather weigh 150 pounds of glorious muscle and tone that 135 of flabby arms and legs.

Yoga body--that's what you've got going on, girl!