AHHHH, HORMONES! I am being assaulted. Yesterday I had horrible PMS; it actually started on Monday night. I had to take a xanax just to go to the fireworks with my husband and kids. I was so stretched to the limit--edgy, grouchy, tired, bitchy--that I knew if I didn't find a way to chill out, I was going to ruin everyone's time.
I didn't have time to workout; a run would have been the ideal thing to do to burn off the offensive hormones. So instead, I chose better living through chemicals, and popped a pill.
For this, I am not proud, but I am thankful it is an option. Especially since it's preferable to drowning myself in ice cream and cookies. The sugar would have eased the PMS cravings, but it also would have made me sleepy and sluggish and headachy and bloated. And of course, it would have blown up my clean eating plan.
Yesterday was a hard day. I was sad, depressed, sluggish, unfocused. I got to work late. We had been up late on Monday because of the fireworks, so the kids were tired too and not feeling their best, either. My husband was in a mood, too. I got through the day, ate well, ate a good dinner, had my yogurt and fruit for dessert, and thought I'd be okay.
Then the chocolate thoughts hit. I wanted chocolate desperately. I took my night time meds, and camped out in bed with Luke while he watched a movie. I fell asleep. Mark came in at 9 pm and said, "are we letting the kids stay up late?" This is how it is at my house--if I don't put the kids to bed, they don't get to bed. My husband defers almost all kid-related (and house related) issues to me. It's not that he's not helpful (well, he isn't helpful right now because his CFP exam is in less than 3 weeks); he just doesn't take the lead on anything.
Even so, it makes me mad when he does that to me. It's his passive-aggressive way of saying, why are the kids still awake at 9 pm and why are you asleep? It makes me mad because he doesn't do what he clearly could do--help me out, and tell the kids it's 8:30 and time for bed. I am not the bedtime decision maker...the clock is. But it is still left to me.
The PMS, the meds making me sleepy, my resentment building at my husband, my tired kids not wanting to quit their movies--it all just piled up. And I folded.
After the kids were down, I went to the kitchen, got out the frozen lite cool whip, and ate half the container. I sat on the couch, knowing what I was doing, and did it anyway.
I put the container away, feeling a little sick, and watched some TV. I fell asleep sitting up on the couch, with my feet on the coffee table. I woke up about an hour later with both legs asleep--completely numb. You know how badly that hurts as they are waking up? It almost made me cry. I was mad at myself already. Of course I just walked to the freezer and finished off the cool whip, standing at the kitchen counter.
I went to bed feeling angry and depressed. I feel asleep quickly, thank goodness. I woke up at 4 am needing to pee, with a raging headache. It was the cool whip, obviously. I took 3 advil and went back to sleep.
I was sluggish this morning, and weepy. I didn't feel hungry for breakfast at all, which did not feel normal. Eating an extra 500 calories after 9 pm makes breakfast pretty unappealing.
I have the choice to wallow in my mistake. Or I can learn from it. I know that The After's are a hard place to be, as far as avoiding comfort foods. I had a lot of After's yesterday. And hormones----eegads, I don't even know how to begin to combat them properly. I know acupuncture helps, but I gave my appointment to Mark for his back last week, so I don't have that assistance right now. And I know exercise helps, but this morning's hoped-for run didn't happen because I was just too tired.
I obviously can come up with all kinds of excuses on how NOT to take care of myself. I need to come up with some solutions.
Vickie wrote this post today. It was helpful to me. I included this in my comment to her:
This post helps me realize I am not going to be perfect just because I've made up my mind to eat this way. It's still a process. I am not making excuses; I am allowing that if I slip, I don't have to wallow. I can learn from it, figure out a better way to cope next time, and move forward.