Wednesday, July 06, 2011

PMS cravings (177.2)

AHHHH, HORMONES!  I am being assaulted.  Yesterday I had horrible PMS; it actually started on Monday night.  I had to take a xanax just to go to the fireworks with my husband and kids. I was so stretched to the limit--edgy, grouchy, tired, bitchy--that I knew if I didn't find a way to chill out, I was going to ruin everyone's time. 

I didn't have time to workout; a run would have been the ideal thing to do to burn off the offensive hormones.  So instead, I chose better living through chemicals, and popped a pill.

For this, I am not proud, but I am thankful it is an option.  Especially since it's preferable to drowning myself in ice cream and cookies.  The sugar would have eased the PMS cravings, but it also would have made me sleepy and sluggish and headachy and bloated.  And of course, it would have blown up my clean eating plan.

Yesterday was a hard day. I was sad, depressed, sluggish, unfocused. I got to work late.  We had been up late on Monday because of the fireworks, so the kids were tired too and not feeling their best, either.  My husband was in a mood, too.  I got through the day, ate well, ate a good dinner, had my yogurt and fruit for dessert, and thought I'd be okay. 

Then the chocolate thoughts hit.  I wanted chocolate desperately.  I took my night time meds, and camped out in bed with Luke while he watched a movie.  I fell asleep.  Mark came in at 9 pm and said, "are we letting the kids stay up late?"  This is how it is at my house--if I don't put the kids to bed, they don't get to bed.  My husband defers almost all kid-related (and house related) issues to me.  It's not that he's not helpful (well, he isn't helpful right now because his CFP exam is in less than 3 weeks); he just doesn't take the lead on anything. 

Even so, it makes me mad when he does that to me.  It's his passive-aggressive way of saying, why are the kids still awake at 9 pm and why are you asleep?  It makes me mad because he doesn't do what he clearly could do--help me out, and tell the kids it's 8:30 and time for bed.  I am not the bedtime decision maker...the clock is. But it is still left to me.

The PMS, the meds making me sleepy, my resentment building at my husband, my tired kids not wanting to quit their movies--it all just piled up.  And I folded. 

After the kids were down, I went to the kitchen, got out the frozen lite cool whip, and ate half the container.  I sat on the couch, knowing what I was doing, and did it anyway. 

I put the container away, feeling a little sick, and watched some TV.  I fell asleep sitting up on the couch, with my feet on the coffee table.  I woke up about an hour later with both legs asleep--completely numb.  You know how badly that hurts as they are waking up?  It almost made me cry.  I was mad at myself already.  Of course I just walked to the freezer and finished off the cool whip, standing at the kitchen counter.

I went to bed feeling angry and depressed.  I feel asleep quickly, thank goodness.  I woke up at 4 am needing to pee, with a raging headache.  It was the cool whip, obviously.  I took 3 advil and went back to sleep.

I was sluggish this morning, and weepy. I didn't feel hungry for breakfast at all, which did not feel normal.  Eating an extra 500 calories after 9 pm makes breakfast pretty unappealing. 

I have the choice to wallow in my mistake.  Or I can learn from it.  I know that The After's are a hard place to be, as far as avoiding comfort foods.  I had a lot of After's yesterday.  And hormones----eegads, I don't even know how to begin to combat them properly.  I know acupuncture helps, but I gave my appointment to Mark for his back last week, so I don't have that assistance right now. And I know exercise helps, but this morning's hoped-for run didn't happen because I was just too tired. 

I obviously can come up with all kinds of excuses on how NOT to take care of myself.  I need to come up with some solutions. 

Vickie wrote this post today.  It was helpful to me.  I included this in my comment to her:
This post helps me realize I am not going to be perfect just because I've made up my mind to eat this way. It's still a process. I am not making excuses; I am allowing that if I slip, I don't have to wallow. I can learn from it, figure out a better way to cope next time, and move forward.


Julie said...

Laura, please understand I DO know where you are coming from - a week ago was in the same place you are. But I want to ask WHAT are you going to do differently next time? The reason I ask is that I have found myself saying the same words as you - I know better, I needn't beat up myself and can plan to do better another time - but I didn't follow through. Last week I did make a plan and then when another potentially stressful situation came up the follwing weekend ( I find social situations hard) I was able to sail through it comfortably, without any `afters', as I followed my plan to reduce pressure on myself. This included binning dessert as soon as the guests had left and taken all we could press on them. It was simply done in the moment with no second thoughts. Helped too that I chose a dessert I really didn't like but was totally acceptable to everyone else. I know this isn't your issue but want to really encourage you to cement a plan in your mind - could you have gone straight to bed yourself once the children were done? could you set an alarm on your phone at the children's bedtime - make them aware at the same time as you that the clock (not mommy!) says it's bedtime? (I love the way you say it's the clock saying it's bedtime, so true and takes the argument out of it)

Vickie said...

Julie had good thoughts.
Was glad to see her comment.

You can let the movies help you in this process. start movies or pick movies with the right length so the kids are finishing movie and then heading straight to bed. I think it is important to finish and not stop part way though movie. so you have to time right or pick shorter movie

our process used to be that teeth had to be brushed, had to be pottied, everything done, before movie started so they could go straight to sleep.

Does husband not do bedtime because he doesn't think he will do it right? (by your standards?) or he thinks of it as something like - he mows the lawn and you put the kids to bed? or what?

my husband used to drive me nuts when he was involved with bedtime because he would either wind everyone up or drag it out. I am very much a give me a hug and get to bed, no messing around mom. you might actually be better off the way it is.

and I think a countdown is good for everything. To this day, ages my kids are, I will flash fingers at them and they will know exactly what I mean. 9 fingers means we are leaving in 9 minutes. It doesns't work to tell them when it is bed time (or time to leave) without warning. Learning to tell time is a big help in this process. And I think an old fashioned clock with hands better tells the story than digital. I have put post it notes on clocks for little kids so they know what they are watching for when they were very little.

Julie is right - the issue isn't getting husband to do it - the goal is to get the kids to do it themselves.

SEE if you can train yourself to have go to foods when you have to eat mass quantities. I am not kidding when I suggest brussel sprouts, green beans (the whole kind, not cut), celery. I think it has a lot to do with the hand to mouth feeling.

buy what you need (size wise) for things like cool whip and then pitch what you don't use (for a recipe). If you can't have them in the house right now, you can't have them in the house. maybe you can 3 weeks a month and then can't the 4th. maybe you can't ever have them. maybe you can in a year.

it is almost never about them,
it is almost always about us,
as in how we react.
we are very smart and we see,
we can figure out how to change those old behaviors around so we are proactive and calm and happy and even and have grace, even when they are a dumb ass. I am not talking about doing it for them. I am not talking about enabling/codependency. I am talking about changing out own behaviors. Setting good example works for kids as well as husbands.