I spent much of the weekend in emotional turmoil. Other than my blog post, I didn't share my therapy revelations with anyone. There wasn't a good time to talk with my husband about it, and I'm not a phone person and don't have any friends who would be up on all this stuff anyway, so there was no one else to talk to.
I'd never talk with my mother or sister about all this.
Which is another part of my turmoil. I am angry at my mom right now, for things that happened 30 years ago. I know hanging onto the anger is wrong and unhealthy, and I will work through that. But it's raw right now. My mom's behavior and the way she speaks (very poor grammar, which is fingernails on a chalkboard to me) drives me crazy anyway; adding all of her failures (as I perceive them) from my childhood to the forefront of my mind makes my interactions with her painful. I want to withdraw and lash out, at the same time.
She was at my house Saturday morning to pick up the kids. (We had a client appointment at 9 am so she drove down that morning to stay with them.) She came in the bathroom as I was getting ready, did her usual thing--used the toilet, then weighed herself, then made a derogatory comment about the number on the scale, then looked at me and said "you're losing weight." I could have just screamed.
She weighs less than I do. I told her earlier this year that I am not okay with her talking about how fat she is in front of me; I weigh more than she does, so what does that say about how I look? She brushed it off, said I'm taller and younger than her, I carry my weight differently, have more muscle tone. Which is all true, but whatever. She made excuses and didn't acknowledge my feelings at all, and instead told me (for the umpteenth time) "You don't look that fat." I could have just screamed.
Before I left for work Saturday morning, I'd asked her to stay until I got home so I could see them both off, since they were spending the night with her. When I got home, I got the kids' packed and mostly just ignored mom. I hugged on the kids, picked up the house a bit (mom cleaned the kitchen when I got home, which was nice of her), and counted the minutes until she left. She'd ask a question, I'd give her a one sentence answer. I'm sure she knows something's wrong but she didn't press.
Sunday afternoon she brought the kids home and I was reading my Kindle when she got there. I kept reading. She had my niece and needed to take her home, so she didn't stay long. I know it's not fair to her, but I can't do anything about it yet.
I had made plans before we left for vacation to go with my friend Debra and her husband to our city's zoo for a beer and wine tasting (with Mark, not just me). I hate beer and can't drink wine (headaches), but I was trying to be nice to Debra and agreed we'd go, and also agreed to be the designated driver. I will not go into gory details, but it was not pleasant. I will never, ever do that again. Debra, who weighs 145 and was wearing a dress and looked gorgeous, got compliments from her husband, her brother (who we picked up on the way), and my husband. I was wearing a khaki skort and black tshirt; I received no compliments, no attention after the first couple of hours since they were all pretty intoxicated, and was completely left out of their jolly, drunken fun. I felt invisible, swept away without my consent, emotionally raw, and bitter.
The whole thing was so ironic, after my post on Friday. And stupid. And I suppose self-sabotage at it's finest. I had felt all day that it was a bad idea to go, but I'd already committed to it and wasn't going to be a bad friend and back out at the last minute. It added to my emotional turmoil, which put me into a "I gotta get numb" fest on Sunday. I spent the day reading historical fantasy (Patricia Briggs is my favorite right now). I ate ice cream and cookies. I didn't binge, but I didn't eat well. At least I didn't yell or take it out on my kids.
I have been hormonal and moody since Thursday. I still feel pretty bad today--raw and moody. I just want to cry and escape from my life. It's gorgeous weather today. I want to be living on the beach and not have any responsibilities. Instead of soaking up the sunshine and cooler air, I am at work rehashing my weekend and procrastinating doing my job.
I did decide to do a positive thing today. There are a few of my friends who are planning to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February; none of them have run races longer than 5k's yet. We have a group on Facebook that we share our runs/walks with, and support each other. I haven't posted anything for months. I am this close to just cancelling. But I thought instead of giving up, I'd ask my friend Dedra (not a typo--this is De"d"ra, different friend from Debra) if she'd start meeting me twice a week in the mornings to walk/run. She is in the Princess group, and like me has been considering not going. We are meeting tomorrow morning at 5:15, will go for an hour, then I'll be home by 6:30 in time to get ready for the day.
Twice a week should be doable. We live less than two miles apart. This is new for me--I am a solitary runner, but that's clearly not working right now. I hope it's one small step to adding what I have been longing for--moving my body in the fresh air--back into my life.