Monday, June 06, 2011

The After

We got home from vacation yesterday morning around 9:30 am.  The kids were ready to be home--they missed their beds and our dog.  I was ready, too.  Sort of.  But I knew today would be awful.

I remember when we came home from St John in 2009.  I'd had 9 days of no responsibilities whatsoever--I didn't even drive a car while I was there.  And I loved it.  I loved waking up and not having to worry about anyone but myself.  I loved the ocean, loved the sun, loved the freedom. 

So much so that when I got home, I freaked out because I didn't want to get all the responsibility back that I had before I left. I love my children and my husband and our little family.  But sometimes.... getting in the car by myself and driving South until I can't drive anymore sounds really appealing.  Especially in 2009, when my Dad got sick and the stock market was still in turmoil and I had to deal with all that on top of my normal everyday responsibilities.

This trip, I had the kids and my husband, so I still had a lot of responsibility (packing for 10 days for three people--thankfully Mark does pack for himself--is a ton of work, especially when you stay in three different hotels and have to repack three times) but I didn't have "real life" responsibility. 

The beach was laid back and peaceful and AWESOME. (I should have been born near an ocean.) 

Daytona beach, around 7 pm.  Our hotel was on the beach; we just walked down some stairs and were right there.  It was amazing.

Disney was exhausting but fun.  Seaworld was inspiring; Discovery Cove, where Mark & Sophie swam with a dolphin and where Sophie learned to snorkel around a salt-water coral reef, was like paradise. 

Breakfast with the Disney characters at Chef Mickey's.  This was our most expensive mael on the entire trip.... Mark got us the last walk-in table--I couldn't get a reservation before we left, because they were all booked.  We had no idea we'd be paying $128 (I know!!) for a breakfast buffet.  Still, it was a ton of fun.  All the characters stopped at our table and let us take pictures. 

It was great to be home yesterday.  We were all tired, but it was pleasant to be back home and still together. 

Today, I knew, would suck.

I got Sophie off to her first week of summer camp, Luke back to daycare, picked up the mail at the post office, sorted through it, got ready for work (I hadn't done my hair and makeup beyond eyeliner and mascara for over a week, so that was hard too), and got to the office at 11:30.  The whole time, I was depressed and wanted to cry.

I downloaded our pictures from the trip at work.  That helped a bit. I plan to get them printed right away so we can get a photo album put together soon--I don't want to end up letting this trip slip away and not have the memories in an album, so whenever we want to, we can relive our first big vacation as a family. 

There aren't many pictures of me, which is normal when Mom is the photographer (and my husband's close-up eyesight is terrible without his reading glasses, so when he takes a picture he can barely see if it's "good" or not--even the ones he did take of me are pretty lousy).  But there are enough for me to see the weight gain.  My upper arms are sadly the most depressing part of my body; they just seem so much bigger than I remember from when I was heavier before.  I did wear sleeveless a lot, which I know is a fashion don't for me right now, but it was Florida and I wanted to be comfortable. 

Sophie and me at my favorite Disney park, Hollywood Studios.

Luke and me on the Nemo ride (we're in a clamshell) at Epcot.

I didn't look any worse than many other moms we saw.  Sure, there were plenty of gorgeous hard bodies, but we were at family locations mostly and there are a lot of middle aged moms who look just like I do.

Still.  It was only two years ago I looked at pictures of vacation and thought, Damn, I look hot.

So.  I'm depressed about being home, depressed about my body, depressed I have such a ridiculous amount of stuff to do to recover from vacation.  Depressed because I thought about my Dad a lot on vacation, and I didn't have anywhere to put those emotions while we were in a happy place, so they are still stuffed down inside of me.  Depressed because I don't know why I keep longing for an escape to a life by the sea that will never happen. Depressed I can't let myself be happy with the blessed life I've been handed on a silver platter. 

I know this will pass. It's only temporary.  I have many, many happy memories of our trip.  It truly was special and magical.  I didn't worry (much) about my pudgy arms and belly while we were vacationing.  I had a lot of fun, and enjoyed every precious second with my children and husband. 

But today, the after of vacation is a bummer.

I haven't weighed yet.  I'm sure I gained weight over vacation, but I am still pretty bloated and don't want to "see" that bloat on the scale yet.  I'll probably weigh in a few days, after I've eaten clean food for a while.  One good thing about vacation--I am sick of eating food prepared by someone else, which hopefully translates to my eating home-cooked, healthy stuff for a long time.


Laura N said...

Sophie scraped her chin on the bottom of the pool the first day we were there, so she has a scab on her chin in all the photos. Thought some of you might be curious about it, because it does stand out in the pictures.

Jill said...

YAY!! So glad you are back and you had a good time. :)

I have noticed the same thing with my arms with this most recent weight gain - a lot of it has gone to my stomach and arms. Definitely not used to this upper body weight gain!!

I think you look great in your photos - and your smile just glows!

The come-back-to-reality-post-vacation blues are hard to overcome. If you want to cry, then do it. If you want to mourn the end of your vacation, there's no rule that says you can't! I think it would make you feel better to get some of that overwhelming emotion out of your system.

When is your next therapy appt? This whole post might a good one to print out and take to her (like Vickie does). Maybe she can help you work through some of this.

Mondays are just plain sucky anyway. There should be a law against them!!

Helen said...

So glad you had a great time! Here's how I approach post-vacation weight: I definitely weigh the day I get back, get horrified, get back on the wagon, and watch the weight fall off when I eat the normal way. It helps me get back on the wagon when I see "big" losses. Just an idea. I'll be in your same spot in three weeks when we're back from family vacation... ;-) We had four of the grandkids this weekend and I am so bad at resisting kid food... :-(

Vickie said...

please, wait a full week to get on the scale, and drink a ton of water. Eat plenty of fresh veggies (especially steamed broccoli with lemon squeezed over it, if you like it). Eat your good for you breakfasts. Eat all 3 meals and a snack. Close the kitchen for the night and brush your teeth after dinner. Get a good nights sleep every night even if that means your hubby has to watch TV on the couch. Do the best you can with everything all week, and in a week, your regular life will feel normal (good) again.

Cindy...154 said...

Both approaches sound good to me in their own way. I am glad you posted, and that you are talking about your emotions. I had a full year of depression after my Dad passed away. I am better now but with Father's Day coming I am feeling the pangs. Whatever you do, keep blogging and staying connected! Love the pictures, you look cute! I can relate to the arm stuff, mine seem bigger than ever. And harder to tone.