Tuesday afternoon (181.2) ramble, ramble, ramble.

It's almost time to go home from work, and I wanted to write because I've had a rough day. And I think the day has been hard b/c yesterday afternoon was so hard. And because I still haven't gotten enough sleep (although I'm sleeping better with melatonin now). This is totally stream of consciousness so feel free to skip it. :) Seriously. It's a brain dump. I won't be offended. Skip to the last paragraph to find out about my arm & back injury, if you'd like. And hopefully I'll see you again soon and have a lot less garbage to spew.

OK.... let the Ramble Begin. Last night I took my meds about 9:30, and was sleepy by 10:30 but I felt like I needed to blog b/c I wanted to eat. So I wrote a little on my iPod, felt better, and then watched some of "Mildred Pearce," which is a mini series on one of the cable channels, I think.

My husband is watching it. He will not go to sleep without watching TV (which drives me nuts). I've been trying to sleep in my bed, as opposed to the couch, because it's more comfortable and it's my bed too, and some nights I get sucked into what he is watching. Most nights, I put on my sleep mask and, if the TV is too loud, I put in my earbuds & listen to ocean waves on my iPod until I fall asleep.

But last night, I watched about 30 minutes of this TV show, which culminated with a little girl dying, and it upset me. I knew she was going to die--this was sort of a flashback and Mark had been upset the night before by the show where the girl had died. I don't know why I kept watching.... because I love Kate Winslet, I guess. So, anyway, I fell asleep fairly quickly but it was almost midnight.

At 1 am my son came to our room, wanting to sleep with us, which he rarely does but is starting to do more often. I let him because he seemed scared, like he'd had a bad dream. Otherwise I don't let the kids sleep with us except on rare special occasions. It interrupted my sleep all night, because he's 5 years old and squirmy, and because we only have a queen sized bed.

Then I was up at 6 am to get some work done that I couldn't finish yesterday, for a meeting Mark had today at 10:30 am with clients. I still had work to finish for the meeting when I got to the office at 9. I hurried, was stressed out, got it finished as usual, but then I was DONE. I messed around with finding a back pack online for almost an hour. I found one, but the process wore me out even more.* I like to get in & get out when I'm shopping, even on line. But finding a bag for my 17" laptop was a chore.

What was worse, around 10:30 am I started to feel like I was going to throw up. I got a headache and just generally felt horrible. It dawned on me that it was the McD's wild berry smoothie I had stopped and gotten on the way in to work. I got a large, drank most of it, and then realized much too late that whatever they put in there (loads & loads of sugar, surprise surprise) was making me sick. It's not the first time a drink from McD's has given me a headache. I can't drink their McCafe coffees. They give me horrible headaches, even though Starbucks doesn't (I make espresso at home now and haven't had a Starbucks in months). I thought I was OK with the smoothies. I've had them probably about 4 or 5 times this year and they haven't really bothered me & I've thought of them as a "healthier" choice. Ha. I pulled up the ingredients & nutrition info online today. Never again will I get one of those things. Almost 70 grams of sugar in a large berry smoothie. Good grief, no wonder I was feeling sick.

So then lunch was a salad & some soup from Zoup! And we had a meeting at 1:30 pm at the office for a church committee. The meeting was fine, except I felt guilty most of the time because we need a chairperson, and no one else can do it, and I feel like people think I *should* be able to do it, but I just can't right now. I barely have the capacity to function as it is. I'm so behind at work and at home. I get one or two things done a day & that's it. I can't imagine adding the responsibility of this committee on top of my life right now, even though it's not *that much* work. It's the idea of failing at yet something else, that I just can't handle.

The meeting was over at 2:45 or so. I finished my daily performance report work (which takes about an hour or so every day), and then the rest of the day I've been on Facebook catching up with people, and that's just made me mad. Too many links to stories (political and food related) that piss me off. Too many happy people working out and showing off their running medals and their fabulous vacations. A lot of sick & unhappy people, too, that I commiserate with. Most of the time FB makes me feel connected to people. Today wasn't that kind of day.

My favorite radio station has been talking about how some scientists have proven that comfort food--even just the thought of comfort food--can make us feel better, feel less lonely. DUH. They are celebrating it and think it's funny. It's making me mad. Everything is making me mad or pissy or feeling like Poor Me. Ugh.

I need something to feel better. I don't even want food. I just want to feel better.

The sun isn't around today. It's cloudy & cold. I had hoped to do some kind of exercise today, even brought my gym bag in the car. Now, it seems like an impossibility to even attempt to move. I need to be in my bed under my comforter. Or in a hole somewhere.

Instead, I think I'm going to pick up my kids. That is almost always the best part of my day. My son and my daughter looking at me with a happy smile, ready to go home. Hopefully I can keep it together enough for dinner and baths tonight.

*My arm and back problems are all related to my work environment and (we figured out yesterday) the bags I carry my laptop and other junk in. The nerves in my arm were messed up from the 20-30 pounds I carry in the crook of my left arm every day. When I had strep last week, I didn't carry anything for 6 full days, and my arm got immensely better.

My neck and back also stopped hurting because I wasn't looking down at my laptop at work. I had elevated my laptop already and gotten an external keyboard, but I hadn't put the laptop up high enough apparently. Monday I worked only 4 hours & my neck was killing me. I figured out I was still looking down enough (even though it was very slight) to do damage. I put a box under the notebook riser, and that is working today. No neck pain, no back pain. I bought a new backpack for my laptop and junk, so the weight is where my PT said it was supposed to be.

My leather satchel doctor-bag handbag is now going in the bottom of my closet. It's how we figured out the cause of the nerve damage, though--I had it at my appointment yesterday, she saw me put it on my elbow bend, and said that's the worst purse I could carry. I made the 30 pound a day on my left arm connection and voila! Injury solved. At least I don't need an MRI. I just need a Physical Therapist to follow me around all day & tell me what else I'm doing with my body that I'm going to regret in another few years.