So this week has been a bust. Sunday I spent on the couch, depressed, "hormonal," and basically out of it all day long. The day was filled with sloth, food, and self-loathing.
Then Monday morning around 5 a.m., I woke up freezing cold with a sore throat. I shivered my way to the kitchen for a handful of ibuprofen, put on some warmer PJs, and got under the comforter. I was so cold and achey I figured I had gotten the flu. It crossed my mind more than once that my lifestyle recently was literally making me sick.
It's spring break here, so Sophie was off school, but thankfully my Mom*** retired at the end of January so she came and picked up the kids & kept them at her house until Wednesday.
So I spent Monday in bed, alternatively freezing and sweating. And crying. I was miserable and alone (Mark had to work after all).
Then Tuesday I could barely talk, barely swallow, and when I looked at my tonsils with a flashlight I knew I didn't have the flu. It was a nasty case of strep throat. I called my doctor's office again (I'd called Monday to confirm that my symptoms were probably viral, but at that point I hadn't bothered to look at my throat) and went in that afternoon. Sure enough, confirmed strep. I got a shot of antibiotic there, and amoxicilin for 10 days.
By Tuesday night I wasn't scary-feverish any more. By Wednesday I could get up and walk around and clean the kitchen and take care of the kids, more or less.
Thursday morning I tried to get ready for work but after I half-way dried my hair & couldn't even manage that without sitting down, I gave up and put my PJs on. Thursday night was a lot better, although I still felt a bit sluggish.
This morning I slept until 9, but I managed to get ready for work and come in around 11:30. I feel human again, although I do still have several big white spots still on my tonsils. I called my doctor's office yesterday and asked the nurse about being referred to an ENT. I had strep 3 times last year. I just seem to get it way too often. And a week of being this sick just is not OK. We'll see what happens.*
Anyway....all my appointments had to be cancelled**, so no therapist, no PT for my arm (although that's better because I haven't used it for basically a week), no nothing but being miserable.
Five days of lying around, feeling horrible, feeling sorry for yourself---gets really freaking old.
So, last night I had a tiny little epiphany. We'd put the kids to bed, and Mark & I were watching American Idol. The contestants this year are amazing. They did Motown songs this week, which I really like, even though I don't ever listen to it.
Stevie Wonder was a special guest last night, and he always brings such joy to the stage. Something, somehow, clicked inside my head. YOU CAN HAVE THAT JOY, TOO.
Maybe it was shear mental exhaustion from being sedentary for so long. Maybe my hormone cycle is back to the happy hormones. Who knows. All is know is I woke up today and felt better and downloaded a bunch of Stevie Wonder songs to my iPod. And I've been listening to him all day.
Another not-so-little epiphany this week. I watched "Eat Pray Love" Tuesday. I read the book years ago--loved it--so I enjoyed the movie. In one scene, Liz tells Richard from Texas that she misses her ex-husband. He tells her something that has been rolling around in my head ever since. I had to pull the whole quote, because it really is amazing.
"So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.”
I can remove "David" and fill in the blank with all the crap that fills my head--my Dad, my weight gain, my food addiction, my childhood, my feelings of inadequacy, guilt over the most stupid stuff ever... It's a wonder I can even function at the level I do.
This is heavy duty stuff. Transformational. Feel it. Send it love & light. Then DROP IT. I can't fight the thoughts. They still come. Little by little, the past day or so, I've been testing it out. I think it's helping.
I've got a lot of crap to empty out to get a vacuum, an open spot, a doorway. But I've got to start sometime. Might as well start today.
*I know I'm a bit old to get tonsils and adenoids out, but here's the deal. I can't SLEEP because these diseased organs are so swollen I am snoring before I even fall asleep. It's one thing to keep your spouse awake from snoring. It's quite another when you keep yourself awake. Seriously, I was crying Tuesday and Wednesday because I was so tired but couldn't get to sleep. Last night I woke myself up from snoring, and just moved to the couch before I woke up my husband.
**Today I rescheduled my appointment with my therapist for Thursday. I also called & got a hair appointment. I haven't had my hair cut for months. God is looking out for me--my stylist had a cancellation for tomorrow morning at 10 for a cut and a color. Seriously, when doest that happen? So blessed.
***I realize that I am so very lucky to have a mom who can swoop in and take care of my kids. Luke had strep too, even though his throat wasn't sore. He had a high fever Monday night; she took him to the doctor Tuesday. She also came and got all my laundry yesterday and brought it back today. I know, I know. She's the best Mom ever.