I haven't weighed myself the past two days. Weekends notwithstanding, this is a record length of time for me not to know, to the .2 pound mark, how much I weigh.
Pokey made a comment on my last post that got me thinking. And MizFit answered my comment (read it all below) on her blog that got me really thinking.
I'm way too hard on myself.
I realize this is not a news flash to you, my bloggy friends. And it's not news to me, either. I just tend to live in denial. A lot.
Wait, there I go. Being hard on myself again.
And I'm thinking 2009 is going to be the Year of Self Love. I don't know how exactly, and I don't have a plan yet. But I know the why's. There are many.
I deserve it. I'm a child of God. He loves me and created me. He made me the way I am. And if He can love me, why shouldn't I love myself?
My children need a mom who cares for herself. Especially my daughter. MizFit's comment struck me like a dagger in the heart. The older I get, the more I look like my mom. And often, act like my mom. And most of the time, I hate it. I love my mom, don't get me wrong. She does more for me and my kids than anyone else on the planet. But she drives me nuts sometimes, with her negative self talk and her nagging worry and her frequent complaints about how she looks. HELLO! Wake up Laura! I am becoming my mother. I certainly don't want my daughter to feel the negative feelings about me in the same ways I do about my mom.
I'd be a lot happier if I wasn't so stinking critical of myself. So what if my butt's a little bigger this month? Nobody probably even notices but me. And my contentedness with my weight and body will surely flow into other aspects of my life.
What would happen if I spent more time on other things I care about, besides what I put in my mouth? The idea of not being constantly obsessed with food & how to burn off the extra calories I consume is so radical, I can't quite get my head around it.
I know there are many more I could come up with.
Is it possible I could take the focus off of gaining/losing/gaining/losing.... and find a happy medium?
To weigh or not to weigh. It's an age old dieter's question that will likely be debated forever. I'm still not sure I can go a week (or longer) without checking my weight. But I'm going to experiment. I'll try not eating at night so I feel better in the morning and hungry for my breakfast, instead of working toward a lower number on a scale. I could lift weights with abandon and get rock hard muscles, and not give a flying fig about how much weight it puts on me. I could even, dare I imagine, use my size 6 jeans as my barometer for how I'm doing in the poundage department.
Perhaps hope & change aren't just going to happen in The White House next year. Maybe they can show up in my house, too.
Pokey's comment on my last post:
And hon...you are still doing great with your weight!! Dont be so hard on yourself. You look great, and feel great (right?) in your skin...so that should be all that matters. I think you need to toss that darn scale of yours.Seriously.
My comment on MizFit's post:
Definitely want to keep my daughter from going through what I did in my teens (overweight, but not obese), yet I am afraid her body is built just like mine & I don’t know how to avoid it. Sigh.
ok not much time so this shall be short , but I know this thought isnt one only you have, Laura.
Im gonna tough love you, Sister.
*you* need to find your self love. your body love. your I SO COMFY IN MY SKINSUIT I WANNA SHOUT THIS SH*T FROM THE RAFTERS feeling.
that’s your answer.
she will look to you and emulate you.(I know the peers come into play here—but that’s a different post).
she will watch and see how you respect you body and, in turn, view hers as such.
I think one of the most powerful things I have read is how daughters who do not love themselves so often *do* have parents who praise them and who lavish them with love!
when asked why they still couldnt see their inherent value 99% of the time they responded that they saw their mom not love herself and thought: I AM SO MUCH LIKE MY MOM! I MUST NOT BE WORTHY.