If there were ever a night for me to lose my sh!t, it was last night.
Before I picked up the kids at school, I went to the store and bought fruits, veggies, and meat.
When I got home, the first thing I did was go light the grill. Only the grill was totally and utterly broken. My husband had told me the last time he grilled that it was shot. It's been "shot" for a while, but we've been limping along with it. Well, what he meant to communicate to me was "it's deader than a doornail." The middle burner was completely rusted to the point it had collapsed. No more grill.
Here I was with two pounds of chicken and two pounds of ground sirloin. I decided to dry saute the chicken after cutting it up into bite sized bits.
I wasn't sure what to do with the sirloin; I don't like pan fried sirloin. So it's still in the fridge, for me to figure out tonight.I decided to use the wok and cook the veggies first. I put the wok on the stove to heat it up. I bought pre-cut squash and a package of snow peas, and I peeled & sliced a few carrots. I put the carrots in first. The second I started tossing them, they were coated in black flecks. The wok was toast. You don't cook with a pan once the teflon starts breaking loose.
This had happened to my big cooking pan a few months ago. I haven't replaced it yet, and have been using my small saute pan for pan cooking.
I took the wok off the heat, poured the carrots into a strainer and rinsed the black flecks off. Then I started crying.
I hate to cook. I don't cook enough. Here I was, determined to cook a healthy dinner, and I was getting hammered on.
My son asked if I was ok. I said yeah, I'm just having problems with the grill and the wok and I'm frustrated and sad. He asked if he could give me a hug. He's such a sweet little boy, and very intuitive of other people's feelings. His hug helped.
I turned on the oven, put the veggies in a baking dish, tossed them with garlic and salt & pepper. When the oven was hot, I put the veggies in to roast them.
Then I got out my small saute pan, cut up the chicken, and cooked. I cooked it one breast at a time (4 total--full butterfly breasts), and it didn't taste as good as it would have grilled, but it was passable.
I made Sophie a salad with strawberries and chicken.
I gave Luke grapes, broccoli, and chicken nuggets. The grapes cost $4.50 for one pound. He said they were all sour. One more stupid problem! So he got strawberries instead; at least they tasted good.
Grapes are stupidly expensive, but they are one of two fruits that Luke can eat, so I buy them every couple of weeks.I finally sat down to dinner myself, after an hour of this debacle. Then I spent another hour cleaning the kitchen--in addition to washing everything up and loading the dishwasher, I put away all the clutter that had accumulated in the hot spots (clutter landing spaces). I swept the floor. I was beat.
Sitting down to eat is something I'm working on. My sponsor told me that I am worth the time it takes to sit and eat a meal. In the past, I'd have taken bites between cleaning. I hate to eat while the kitchen is a mess. Last night I let my OCD go and sat to eat.I listened to my book on my playaway while I was cleaning, which helped distract me. I get playaways from the library. They are MP3 players the size of a credit card. I'm listening to the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series; I'm on book 2.
Then I went and sat outside on the deck for 30 minutes and listened to my book. I took my sleep med, had the kids get ready for bed, tucked them in, and went to bed.
No eating to drown out my feelings.
I woke up early this morning and read an OA book. I got the kids' breakfast and lunch ready before they got up. I was much more relaxed because I wasn't in a rush to get their lunches packed in time for the bus.
I'm not as angry today. I am still covered in fear, which is where all my negative emotions come from. I have a lot I'm worried about--stuff I don't need to get into here--and I keep trying to give it away but the feelings won't leave me. I talk with my therapist Wednesday.
Choir is over for the summer, so I have Thursday's free. Tonight I'm going to a second OA meeting this week. I need it.