Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wednesday Rambling Update (179.0)

So Monday, after an emotional & binge filled Sunday, I hit 180.4.

I was pretty freaking depressed Monday. I’d been doing great.  I either walked/ran or did yoga 7 out of 8 days, then took the weekend off for no good reason other than I just didn’t get around to exercising.  Sunday night I felt the usual looming MONDAY, unusually heavy for some reason.

I think it’s because I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now.  A lot of unfinished business, a lot of unfinished projects, a lot of unfolded laundry.  Mark isn’t much help lately—he’s taking the CFP exam on March 18 & 19th (which happens to be our 16th wedding anniversary on the 18th), and he’s studying 5-6 hours a day, on top of working and earning our income.  So I’m just shy of being a single parent the past month or so.

I’m still grieving my dad, and the lack of relationship I had with him the past 10 years.  I see a commercial or TV show or movie about fathers & daughters, & it gets to me.  I ran yesterday outside & was pushing pretty hard, and that always brings out emotions.  I started crying and couldn’t stop, so I had to quit running after only 30 minutes.

Even though I had a crappy food filled weekend, I’m not giving up.  I’m listening to my sugar addiction CDs, I’m working on eating right, I’m working out and training for a half marathon on May 7th.

I ordered LA Weight Loss material from their website last week.  It worked in the past.  It will work again.  I need a program I can stick with and not have to count anything (like points or calories), & that’s been the only thing that’s done it for me… ever.  The materials & accompanying LA Lite bars & Take Off juice should arrive today.  

I still haven’t bought any clothes, aside from one pair of capri pants from Goodwill that don’t really fit me right (they are 14W, too baggy in the crotch area) and a couple of XL tops from Goodwill.  I’m wearing the same two pairs of jeans almost every day, and have one other pair of black pants that fit if we have meetings with clients.  I just can’t bring myself to buy size 14s.  I tried on some jeans at JC Penney last Friday afternoon when they were having a sale, & nothing looked good. Instead, I did get several pairs of workout capri bottoms & some nice tops for yoga and summer running. At least I have stuff to workout in.

Today I finally lost a pound and am out of the 180s.  I have been watching The Biggest Loser season 6 on Hulu.com, and I can’t decide if it’s inspiring or discouraging. To see women who weigh less than I do & they still look really big… puts what I must look like into perspective.  I know it’s stupid to compare myself to others, but it’s a long ingrained habit that I doubt will ever go away.

Anyway, I’m doing better today.  The weather is warmer & the sun is shining, and it’s staying light well after 5 pm.  I can feel the hopefulness of Spring. It was this time of year in 2007 that I first joined LA Weight Loss.  I was almost to goal in only 7 months.  This time I’m starting the process weighing 27 pounds less than I did in 2007.   That’s something, at least. 

My clothes are packed to run again today. 

5 comments:

Shauna said...

Oh L my heart went out to you when I read about your crying on your run. I can only imagine how it must feel :( I'm glad you're feeling hopeful about LA, keep on running comrade xx

miss petite america said...

keep on keeping on! all that matter is you keep moving in the right direction.

Vickie said...

identified with crying on your run, running is very much like being alone (with yourself) on a yoga mat, all kinds of important things surface.

Many times we have no idea why we are actually crying; it just comes up. We are all so used to stuffing it down (literally with food and figuratively by not paying attention) that there is a lot to come bubbling up for most of us.

I am sure this will not be your favorite comment:
If you do what you have always done, you get what you always get.

I understand you look at that and think “I lost weight”.

I think you also have to look at “I didn’t keep it off” without being upset about it or seeing it as a negative. It is an important clue.

So not saying your ‘food’ solution didn’t work. I am saying additional steps need to be addressed so you don’t cycle through again.

I totally get what you were through with your dad was unique/awful/onetime thing, but there is sort of always something in our lives. Hopefully never again that bad, but things have a tendency to layer on, so several small things at once can easily throw us off.

So I guess I am saying you might have figured out step one, step two (like food, exercise for example) but there is probably a step three and step four that need added.

I once said something about it being 'the food' and you responded something about ‘we all KNOW what we need to do, we just don’t do it’.

And I suppose I am saying - the WHY we don’t do it is the most important part.

Not sure I have used the right words to convey what I mean.

And I still think you have been through a really traumatic time, (and I totally understand what you meant about it stirring up all kinds of past history) and a therapist would be a really good idea.

You have the opportunity to make this the year that really changed things. You have an excellent turning point in this year AFTER. And that isn't just the food and the exercise, it is all the inner stuff that makes the food such a challenge.

Jill said...

You're moving forward Laura, one step at a time. Just keep going forward and you'll be fine. xoxo

Laura I. (G.G.) said...

I think Vickie is so right about the "Why" being the most important part of the equation now. Therapy is great--but there are other ways to figure out the "Why" without paying a therapist, though they might be trickier or more difficult.

Something I've been learning this year is that after I've figured out the "Why," the next step I have to take is to answer the question "Now that I know that, what am I going to do about it?" A lot of times, the answer has been that I've let myself feel something or acknowledge a truth I've used in the past for an excuse, and then went on with my life or what I had planned in spite of it. Vickie's right--there's always going to be SOMETHING. The hard part is figuring out how to keep the somethings from destroying or overwhelming the good things we want for ourselves.

Rooting for you! I have faith you will figure it out!