Thursday, February 03, 2011

Lame Brain

The Sick got a hold of me & wouldn’t let go.  Then one kid got sick.  Then the other.  Then I pretty much lost my mind.

Literally.  The serotonin is completely absent from my brain. At least that’s how it feels.  Lame. Brain.

I’ve felt like this before. I know what causes it, pretty much.  SAD is part of the problem, which I can only do so much about.  My grief from losing Dad and all that drama is still hanging in my head.  On top of that, the leftover estate stuff is weighing me down.  I go through long periods where I don’t take time for myself, like to exercise or cook healthy meals.  I have stress at work, bickering children, a stinky dog, laundry piled to the ceiling…. there’s just a lot to deplete the happy brain chemicals, ya know?

I know how to fix it, mostly.  I fix it the lazy way with food.  We all know the consequences of that. I do feel better for a while. Ice cream and cookies take the edge off, just like any other drug addict’s weapon of choice. But there’s always the come down, which is guilt laden and serotonin sucking. 

And so the cycle goes, on an endless loop until I finally get so sick of it that I’m forced to pull myself out of the muck. Or, sometimes, someone else pulls me out. 

Tonight my husband told me, bless him, that he can’t handle me like this anymore.  He’s been nothing but supportive to me—he didn’t say it in a hurtful way. Here’s how it went down:  I was sitting in the recliner, watching the kids be silly together, and I was enjoying their banter but I felt empty inside.  My husband knows how I work better than anyone else, and I’m a pretty open book.  And he asked me what was wrong…. the usual, I said.  I can’t workout. I want to eat so I can get numb.  I can’t stand myself anymore.  I hate myself like this.

And he said, it’s not your fault.  You should feel no guilt.  No guilt, Laura.  What happened to you this past year is not your fault.  But I should have been stronger, I said.  But I should have been able to handle it better.  No buts or shoulds, Laura. And no guilt.  Just do whatever you need to do to feel better, whatever you need, just do it, he said.

So, first thing, we are working out a schedule where I can get to work three days a week at 8:30 (which I’ve been horrible about for months—getting to work after 10 or 11, very bad for my mental state—and my work that needs to be done) and go to yoga the other two days a week and get to the office around 11:30.  It will be a start at least.  A built in time just for ME. 

I’m still listening to the CD’s by Karly, but I’ve not done the work in the workbook.  The acceptance CD, the second time I listened to it, was a big AHA moment.  I don’t do acceptance.  I deny.  Denial is my happy place, the “Think Happy Stuff” shop says on a t-shirt.  And that is so true of me.  I’ve been in denial my whole life.  About lots & lots.  And I can’t accept the bad stuff, or the good stuff.  I guess there’s magical thinking in there, and a lot of other psychological issues I ought to pay $150 an hour to get figured out.  But anyway, I realized that simply working on acceptance might be a HUGE deal for me, if I can figure out HOW to do it.  I’ve got the workbook by me.  It’s next, after the blog. 

At least it’s February 3rd and the sun is almost still bright at 5 p.m.  Closer and closer every day to spring.  Something to look forward to.


Jill said...

Hang on to Mark - I think he's a keeper! His words were so great - that's exactly what you needed to hear.

I hope you are feeling better today. I'm on day 4 of Snowmageddon - climbing the walls is surprisingly good exercise!! ;)

Vickie said...

I noticed the sun too.

And I finally was out and about by the end of the week. Very hard to get going again after being snowed in for most of the week.

Laura, I think you need to go back to your therapist while you work through this 'the year after' time. For most of us, the AFTER is seriously hard. I think you would do better with direction.

miss petite america said...

take care of yourself and squeeze that awesome husband of yours :)

Jodie said...

Terrific post (again!)

You're blessed to have that support. And he's totally right. You can't change what happened, but you can do something now.
Take your "me" time! You deserve it.