My dad passed away this morning, at 6:50 am, the exact same time the sun was rising.
I'd like to think there's some God Poetry in that.
He was really non responsive yesterday, my sister told me last night. I almost went to see him around 11 pm last night, but it had been such a long day & I was just beat so I didn't.
Turns out, that was okay. My uncle Phil went to stay with Dad last night (& the night before). He didn't have to be there--he felt that Dad was very near the end and he wanted to be there. This is the uncle who spent Monday through Friday, every single night, with my Dad for nine straight months. Most nights my Dad wouldn't sleep, & my uncle often only got 2 or 3 hours of sleep before he had to leave for work at 5 a.m. And he wanted to be with my Dad the past two nights, even though he didn't have to be there. My uncle is an amazing man, & a true believer in Christ's sacrificing love poured out for others.
Uncle Phil called me at 5:30 this morning, telling me the nurse said to call the family in because Dad's vitals had gone down dramatically. I got there by 6. He was peaceful, sleeping, non responsive. They say he could hear us. I hope so. Nothing but love surrounded him for those last hours of his life.
My mom (who's been divorced from him for almost 12 years) got to the hospice center just before he passed. Mom told him she was there, that it was okay, to run to the angels. My sister took the oxygen tube from under Dad's nose then (the nurse had asked her to), and my dad took his last breath. I think he may have been waiting for Mom. I don't know for sure, but regardless, he finally let completely go after she spoke to him.
I can't express how hard this is. Wanting his pain to end for so long, so that our pain could end too. Now, he's no longer in pain and has a new body and is completely healed, body & soul. His pain has ended, and ours will too, eventually.
But right now it's crushing me.
Like it's supposed to.
He was a pain in the ass. But he was still my Dad.
The funeral stuff is Sunday & Monday. Lots to do before then. I don't know yet if I'm going to still do the half Sunday or not. It starts at 7; I'll be home by 10:30 at the latest. Have to be at the funeral home at noon. It's gonna be a push if I do the race.
But a huge part of me wants to run the thing, BECAUSE I FREAKING CAN. My body works. It's a gift. I should darn well use it.
I hope I make the right choice Sunday morning.
Thanks to you all for your love & support this past year. It has meant a lot, knowing you are virtually supporting me.
xoxox
L
14 comments:
So sorry and so glad
and so nice that his family could be with him at the very end.
Get your clothes and the kids clothes and all the stuff layed out (like now) and make your husband a list and then go run the race if at all possible.
Condolences for your loss.
Run the race as a life-affirming act in memory of your father?
God be with you, Laura
Oh friend. This post has me in tears. I know that you are relieved, but at the same time it's hard to believe.
For some reason I sort of thought he would be around for awhile. I was suprised when I saw your FB status. I so wish I could give you a big hug right now!
I think running the race would be a fitting tribute to your dad, and like you said, you should run because you CAN. I think also it would be a big emotional release for you. And even if you can't run on Sunday, you could always run your own half some other day.
I will pray for comfort and peace for you and your entire family. You are a good daughter - I'm sure your Dad is very proud of you.
XOXOXO
Rest in Peace, indeed. God give you and your family peace now, too. Thinking of you.
Laura, I love how heartfelt and TRUE this is. I too have tears in my eyes. Wishing you peace through the next part of the journey. Hugs and love...
Laura, no words come. Just a big hug, and sitting with you. I will keep you in my prayers this weekend.
I know this comes with mixed emotions. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know how you will decide about the race but I am sure you will know what's best for you.
Laura,
I'm sorry.
It's hard for some to understant our emotions when parents have been pains and our feelings when they pass.
One thing someone told me when my mom dies was to never have any "shoulda, woulda, coulda's, and to push them out when the roar their head.
I too, think you should get everything ready before hand and go run the race.
Now is the time to put yourself first, so the rest becomes balanced.
Hugs to you!
Oh L... thinking of you and your family. Big big cuddles for you.
Long-time reader, first time commenter.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but good to hear he was surrounded in the end by those who loved him.
And GO RUN THE RACE. You will feel a lot better, and be able to process things by doing it. You've worked this hard, and you can, you need to do it.
thought of you all day today.
Laura, I am sorry for the loss of your father and I have been through this same thing recently with my own father. I am thinking of you. I have not been able to comment lately on blogs with word verifications but I think I figured out the problem so I hope this goes through. I have been thinking about you much lately and keeping up with your posts. Take care and check in and let us know how you are doing. I am glad your father was surrounded by everyone, and I am sorry for the enormous pain you all went through. Take care
Laura, i've been away from blogland for a while and just now got on and saw that your father passes away! Believe me I now what you feel. Your shoulders feel lighter, you don't wake up every morning wandering if "this is the day he will die" but....you are truly sad that this all had to happen! Prayers to you and your family and may your daddy rest in peace with plenty of love and warmth!
I am late getting here, but wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. even though you knew this day was coming, I know it doesnt make things any easier. hopefully he is at rest and you can feel comfort in that.
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