Monday, October 25, 2010

2006 all over again

In lots of ways life is much, much easier now--the pain of watching Dad suffer is gone, my sister is back to work today and seems to be keeping it together, the drama is (mostly) gone, and the end of this year-long insanity is very near. We still have the usual estate stuff to do, but I am relatively certain that's going to go smoothly. As long as his wife (yes, he stayed married to her so she could have his VA benefits) stays five hours away & doesn't stir up trouble, we could have a fairly calm ending to 2010.

So why is my Fat Head in 2006 mode? Way back when this blog started, I was in that "I wanna lose weight but I can't make myself stick to a plan. I'm helpless around food. I'm out of control and can't stop myself."

I guess it's because when we're at our weakest points in life, we revert back to what we know. What I know is how to comfort myself with food. And I still need comforting.

But just like in 2006, I'm supremely unhappy with the results of my comforting efforts. My size 12s are tight. My bras are cutting off my circulation. My back fat rolls have returned. I can't wear my dress pumps because my feet have filled with fat just big enough that I get blisters on my heels.

I know what I need to do. And I've been here before. I want to get healthy & thin again. But I can't find the "want to enough" in me yet.

Maybe I'll try to make time to reread my own blog, instead of searching the web for "how to lose weight in your 40s" (which yields nothing helpful).

I have a pile of size 8 fall clothes on the floor of my den. It's killing me to have to pack them away & stuff them under my bed until "one day" I can wear them again.

I looked at one of my favorite Ann Taylor Loft dresses Saturday, and was shocked at how skinny it looked. When I wore that dress, I felt good about myself, but I never felt skinny. Obviously, 2 years and 20 gained-pounds later, I realize I was delusional. I looked great. Just because I wasn't a size 4 or size 6 doesn't mean I wasn't skinny. I was.

I hope I can find my way back into that dress again. Someday very soon.


Vickie said...

your circumstances are very similar to mine - you have one thing (and they have been MAJOR things) right after the other.

not sure I have them in the right order, but
business challenges
BIL's unexpected death
your dad

Those are three big things and it seems like they have been all within a 2-3 year time span.

In my life, my oldest tells me my cast of characters sucks.

You have a few sucky ones too. But mostly you have had a rough 'plot/script'.

You don't have to start over, because starting over would be a heck of a lot more pounds and no knowledge.

You just begin again from where you are. With one small change, and then another small change. It is like when Alicia used to add one good habit a week and then keep all the habits going. She added tiny ones, that she could manage.

You can't stare back (well you can, but it isn't helpful). Just get your little self turned around and take one day at a time.

so glad you posted. I almost left you another note this morning, but figured anyone that didn't KNOW how long we have been together and how easy it is for you to slip away, would have thought I was stalking you . . .

try to work to find positive actions for yourself. try hard to write once or twice a week. it will help you focus. it doesn't have to be long. but you have always done better in the past when you were blogging (don't you think)?

Jill said...

Ya know it's funny...our weight losses/gains seem to mirror each other. I wonder what that means?

I am also 20 pounds heavier than I was this time last year and it kills me. I am also stuck in the "I can't seem to get my motor running" anymore either. Beginning is so, so hard, no matter where you are beginning from.

Maybe we need to start the panic-button-texting thing again?

We can do this Laura - we did it once before and we can do it again. I'm right there with you!! ♥

Laura I. (G.G.) said...

You'll get back there, Laura! Have faith!

debby said...

You know what I hope for you Laura? I hope that when you do get back to that size 8 dress, you will somehow internally come to KNOW that you are thin and beautiful, and be satisfied and happy.

I'm not sure, but I think that when we are never satisfied and accept our reasonable weights, we sabotage ourselves into gaining it back.

Just like Vickie said, make little changes. When you make a change, try to think of it as a lifetime change.