Thursday, January 19, 2012

Back to the psych (170.0) and "hurry"

My moods have been cycling a bit lately.  I thought it was just missing days on my SAD light or hormones.  And maybe in part it is.  But the past week I've been using my SAD light regularly and I've still had weird days.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling on top of the world--and like I was going to get myself on track and lose weight and get back into great shape.  By the end of the day, I was back in the pit. 

Then Wednesday I woke up in the pit, but ended the day feeling really great, only to have the air let out of me when I got home because of a conversation with my husband. And I was back in the pit.  I went running last night and that helped alleviate some stress, but I stayed pretty much in the pit the rest of the night. 

This morning I realized that it's not just been the past two days I've been "cycling" through this stuff.  So I called my therapist's office and made an appointment for tomorrow to see the nurse practitioner and get my meds increased.  I'm on a very low dose of my mood stabilizer and there is plenty of room to increase it.

So onto the "hurry" part.  I am listening to Menlo Park Presbyterian podcasts (LOVE John Ortberg--thanks to Debby for introducing me to him a few years ago).  The one from 6/1/2010 is named "The Rest of Your Life."  It's centered around the 23rd Psalm. 

There's so much richness and meaningfulness in this sermon.  What has stuck with me is a conversation he had with his spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard.  It was a time in his life when the pace of their lives had accelerated tremendously. John asked him what he needs to do to be spiritually healthy and alive and vital. 

Dallas Willard responded with "you must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."  There's nothing else.  Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. 

Hurry is different from Busy.  Busy is an outward condition, of your body. We are each wired with different capacities, to be able to be busy (at different levels of busyness) without being damaged by it. 

To be hurried is a disease of the soul.  To be hurried means that I am internally so preoccupied with my worries and my own little agenda that I become unable to live in the presence of my heavenly Father who loves me, and to be unable to be fully present with, listen and love, and marvel at another person. 

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  Because it will keep you from actually experiencing God's goodness and care for you from one moment to the next.

It's easy to imagine that someday someone or something is going to come along and eliminate this problem from your life.  But they won't! It's up to ME to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

I am listening to this sermon again and again.  And I'm working on figuring out what it means to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. 


Vickie said...

my beloved EVEN. I understand the cycle feeling (not good). It is hard to switch from being in reactive mode to being proactive. Hurry is reactive to me. It takes a long time to switch, lots of practice. glad you posted.

Lily said...

Sending you positive thoughts! And strength ... to just keep on keeping on. There is nothing wrong with baby-steps.

debby said...

I'm so glad you are enjoying John Ortberg! He is one of my favorites, right up there with Dallas Willard. And I have taken that phrase to heart "ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." I'll have to go back and listen to that particular sermon. Have you been listening to his current series "Unbroken?"

Heidi v. said...

Hey... there is something wrong with your 'about me'. You say: "Welcome to my journey to once again become an athlete"

An athlete is an athlete, you can't not be it. You can sometimes wish you were better, and you can sometimes not know that you ARE one. But it's like being a natural blond, or being Irish - you are one and you can't become one.

I know you are one (you wrote a post about running 10 miles, of course you are!) do you know you are? And even if you gained 50lbs you still would be one. And if you lost 50lbs, you still would be one.

Anyways, that's what I think. From a stranger. Take it as you may. :)