At my therapy appointment Thursday, Julie and I talked the first half of my session about how my self worth is tightly connected to my weight. She said that's not a healthy thing, which I get. But I told her they've been intertwined for so long--basically since I hit puberty--that I don't know how to DO self worth any other way.
So, we have that to work on.
On the Geneen Roth CD, she talks about healthy living guidelines. One of them is throwing out the scale. If you let the scale make you feel happy or sad based on what it says, then you should throw it out. As in, you are feeling great and healthy and on track because you've been eating healthfully and exercising, but the scale says you gained two pounds this morning, and now you feel horrible and like a failure.
Been there, done that.
I recognize that the scale is a major mind messer-up-er. But it's also a tool. I'm not ready to throw out my scale, but I do see how it is beneficial not to obsess over natural weight fluctuations. For me, tracking my weight regularly in Excel helps me see if I'm on track. I try not to let one weigh in derail me. I know my weight can go up, even if I've done everything right. And it can go down, even when I've done lots of things wrong.
What I am ready to do is stop linking my self worth to what I look like. Julie said it might be my weight now, but someday it might be my age, and someday it may be something else I can't even imagine now. So it's good to start unhooking my self worth from the external.
That said, I tried on summer clothes today at Kohl's (we leave for vacation in less than two weeks) and I could wear size 14s in skorts and capri's. Size L tops fit comfortably. My legs are looking better, too. I don't think anyone is going to look at me when we are in Florida and think "eegads she's a cow." I don't think of myself that way right now, anyway.
So while my self worth is best not tied to how I fit into summer clothes, it sure does feel good to feel better about how I look.
P.S. Took a kickboxing class Friday at 4:30. First time I've taken one of those in years. It was so fun. And a great workout. I love the gym.