Tuesday, February 03, 2015

maintaining normal (154.0)

Well, I survived January.  We all stayed healthy (praise the Lord), no major crises occurred (other than our garage door opener was broken for about a week & needed an $80 repair), and basically life is moving along at a pretty even pace. 

I'm doing okay.  I didn't sink into a winter depression, which was a blessing.  I guess on a happy scale of 1 - 10, I'm probably at a 5 most days.  A lot of people might think that's not good enough.  I used to be one of those people. But I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs.  And this time of year, I'll take a steady 5.  

I haven't been to an OA meeting since before Christmas.  I still work Mondays until 8pm; Mondays were when I went to meetings.  Saturday mornings at 8:30 are the only other time I can go, and I just have not been able to make myself get going on the ONLY morning I have off during the week.  I talked to my sponsor about it (I meet her for lunch every few weeks).  She totally understands.  I am supposed to be looking for online meetings or podcasts, which I haven't done yet.  

But I'm not binging, not eating trigger foods or desserts, not eating between meals, and not gaining weight. I think the roots I planted with OA went deep. I know that I NEED to do more work with the program, and I can't rest on my laurels forever, but for now I'm okay. I know where to go when I need support, if things start to fall apart. 

Work at the College is going well.  But our CFO of 5 years resigned a couple weeks ago and we have put regional accreditation on hold indefinitely (they say because of legislative issues around gainful employment in Washington, D.C.), which meant they let a few people go in our administrative offices in Indy.  They tell us underlings that the school is strong and blah blah blah, but things like that don't make me feel good about long term prospects.  I'm not actively seeking a new job but I am looking at the two major university's in town websites a couple times a week for new job postings, and also getting emails from Indeed.com for bachelor's degree jobs.  I really want to work for the major private university in town.... employees' kids get free tuition.  That's like a $100,000 education for free.  Of course, everyone wants to work there.  It's very hard to get a job at that school. Sophie's a 7th grader, so I have time.... 

Kids are doing well.  Sophie is now in Improv class and voice lessons.  She loves both.  The acting studio had a great article in the paper Sunday, and Sophie was in the main picture (the photographer was at her Improv class).  Luke is in acting/voice class (30 min each) and ukulele lessons.  He is getting pretty good at ukulele.  He can change chords without looking at his hand. 

They are still doing well in school.  Sophie's 7th grade year has been a lot of work, but she's still working hard and stays self-motivated. Luke will take iStep tests (the state's standardized tests) this year for the first time; they start in 3rd grade. I'm assuming his will all be pass++++++.  haha, they only go to Pass+, but he'll be off the charts, I'm sure, the little smarty pants. 

Mark is working 60-70 hours a week.  He's doing two jobs--my old one & his.  It's wearing him down.  We can't afford to hire an assistant for him yet. He's doing the best he can.  But it really is hard on him.  We know we didn't have a choice for me to leave & get a real job, but some days.... some days we wish it didn't have to be this way.  So we just keep doing what we're doing because what other choice do we have? 

I guess the big news is that I am going to Florida on Feb 19 for the Disney Princess Half Marathon, with the same girls I went with 2 years ago. I signed up last summer/fall, kind of on a whim, because my friend Amy really wanted me to go, and I thought it would be a motivator for me to start running again.  Well, guess what? I have run (well, walked/jogged) maybe 3 times since I signed up.  So yeah, I'm doing a half marathon with no training. I'll be walking with a few jogs thrown in so I can keep a 16 min/mile pace so I don't get pulled from the course. I am resting in the knowledge that I walked a 10 mile race this past summer with no training and was totally fine--no injuries, no problems, could have jogged and gone another 3 miles easily.  

I know the Disney course--it's flat and easy. I'm in a walker corral. I'm going to have fun and not beat myself up about it.  I am not having any physical issues--no everyday aches or pains.  So I'm sure I will be fine.  No, it's not ideal and yes, it's a little stupid.  But I've paid a ton of money and can't back out.  And this season of my life--working a full time job with irregular weird hours and with a husband who works an insane amount of hours too--is not conducive to a runner's lifestyle. 

That's how I'm rationalizing it so I can live with myself, anyway. 

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I really don't know what I'm going to talk to her about.  Things are generally pretty good.  Good with my mom.  Good with my husband (for the most part... we barely see each other... which maybe isn't so good but my therapist can't fix that).  Good with the kids.  I'm sure I could fix some deep dark issues inside myself.  But frankly, I don't wanna. 

I go to work.  Take care of kids.  Take care of managing our household (which is a part-time job in itself).  And then in my "off" time, escape through TV & books.  That's pretty much my life right now.  And pretty much all I have room for. Maybe that's what I'll talk with her about.  Getting to a place where I'm okay with my life being summed up in those small sentences.  Those small sentences are what have put me on a happy scale of a 5.  

When the weather warms up, I hope to add more activity to our lives.  And maybe bump up the scale to a 6 or 7.  We'll see.  Things always look happier with more sunshine.  If not, a 5 isn't so bad.  I've had worse. 

1 comment:

Jill said...

Sounds like you're trucking along. Sometimes I get bogged down by all the busy-ness of this phase of our lives, but I know it won't always be this way.

Keep hanging in there and good luck with the Disney Half!! :)