OA - Sponsor (168.8) - Meeting #5 (and pic of Sophie)

I asked a woman at my OA meeting to be my sponsor last night.  Ami (my sponsor) is a friend of my new friend Kelly. 

Kelly and I have talked at length a few times now.  We have a lot in common from a food history and control & perfectionism issues; she has suffered depression as I have.  We are different in other ways--she's an extrovert and knows tons of people, she's comfortable (or at least appears to be on the outside) having a lot going on (has 3 kids, all of them in more than one thing, is very active in her church.  She's always got someplace to be), and tells me she is a neat freak at home.

So when Kelly suggested that Ami would be a good sponsor, I watched and listened to Ami carefully.  The idea of finding a sponsor is to find someone who has what you want.  Ami has kids, is 41, is self-employed (sells cosmetics at the top level of the company, enough so that she has a very nice car) and has been abstinent for 18 years.  She's beautiful but not a super model, and very approachable.  She has insecurities she has to work through (had a great conversation with her last week).  She has a busy life but makes this work.  She has what I want.

Yesterday I thought a lot about whether I was ready for a sponsor.  I have been abstinent* for 13 days, which to me means I'm WILLING to do this.  When I went to my first 3 meetings, I didn't even know if I was willing.  I knew I was powerless over food and my life was unmanageable, but it wasn't until I got out of the food that I could think straight. 

I decided to get a sponsor NOW instead of waiting, because I feel like I'm on that tender edge of success--I've lost 6 pounds (my high this time was 174.8), I am not having cravings, I'm dealing with daily emotional crises without turning to food.  BUT.  I feel like it could all slip away in a blink.

A sponsor will help guide me on how to hold on.  Actually, it's probably more like how to LET GO and LET GOD, instead of "holding on."  Because the whole deal is IT'S NOT ME who creates success.  It's my higher power working through me.

That's part of steps 2 and 3, which I am not working on yet and which are still hard for me to wrap my head around. I am self sufficient and prideful.  I have a lot of work to do to surrender those things.

Vickie commented on my last post about why people get upset with OA.

When people get themselves upset with OA, it is never over the meetings. It is always over sponsors and food. And usually they get themselves upset to the point that they stop going to meetings. Are people too hasty in thinking they have to have a sponsor? Or too hasty in choosing a sponsor? Do you think it is possible to clean up ones own food and go to the meetings regularly for support?

Very good questions, which I don't have enough experience yet to answer.  What I do know is OA is a program with specific steps and tools.  The people who work the steps and use the tools--tools include a plan of eating, sponsorship, meetings, telephone, writing, literature, action plan, anonymity, and service--are generally successful. 

My instinct tells me that people who struggle as you describe may have pride issues. They want to do it their way.  They think they know better than someone on the outside.  I have been reading a book by OA that is composed of recovering food addicts' stories.  Many, many of them started OA, failed, and came back and worked the program differently the 2nd time.  And many stories are the "I did it my way, and I failed" type.

The disease of food addiction is one of ISOLATION. The disease wants you to be alone, wants to hold onto the sugar and excess fat.  All of you know what I'm talking about. 

People in AA talk about how the disease wants to kill you. It's odd to think of a disease in the 3rd person, almost as a living thing.  But it feels right to talk about it that way, once I started identifying myself as an addict.

One of the hardest parts of this is breaking out of the isolation of my disease.  Every meeting I go to, a hard little piece falls away and softens the isolation.  I will have to TALK to people to get better.  Not an easy thing for me.  Not having a sponsor, in my mind, is a way to keep a big piece of isolation in place.  And that allows a toehold to remain for the disease to creep back in and take over.


*OA's Definition: "Abstinence is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve-Step program.” Many of us have found we cannot abstain from compulsive eating unless we use some or all of OA’s nine tools of recovery to help us practice the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." 

My definition is 3 meals a day with no compulsive overeating.  My definition also includes "perfection is not possible." Perfection sets me up for failure.  I have not been perfect.  I had a Luna bar one night at 10 pm because I had a very light dinner, was still awake, and my stomach was growling.  I felt awful 30 minutes later--and it was just ONE LUNA BAR!  Weird how my body is adapting already to the different way of eating. 

I have had an afternoon snack a few times--usually an apple and a Luna bar, when I've had an early lunch and expect a late dinner.  I have had very scant dinners when it's been a busy night; I am simply NOT EATING after 8-8:30 pm, no matter if I've had dinner or not.  If I put any food in my mouth that late, I am setting myself up for a binge.  Even healthy food.  It's not about trigger foods for me then--it's a trigger situation.

*****
I had to share this picture of Sophie. It's a cast picture for the production of Winnie the Pooh she's in at the end of this month.   That Mona Lisa smile melts my heart.  She is growing up so fast (11 years old now).

One week

Still no binging. Seeking peace through my higher power (can't help but use that phrase, I'm reading it so much in the literature).

Still one day at a time. Still recognizing this is a disease. Not a default of character. Not a "make up my mind and I can stop binging" thing. Not something any diet will fix.

Definitely something that gets progressively worse when not treated.

Which explains SO much of the last few years.

If I'm not managing/treating the disease, it just makes me sicker.

I've been sick for almost my whole life with this disease. I've played around and thought I had control. Only to find it got worse.

Of course, I didn't understand until the past couple of weeks what was truly going on with me. Reading AA and OA books is eye opening.

And I'm not alone anymore. There are people just like me who KNOW and who care and who are in recovery.

No one beats this disease. No one is cured. The minute you think you are cured, you are doomed to relapse.

I feel like step one has sunk in: I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable. I'm almost ready for step two--came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Has to be greater than me. I have proven over and over I can't do it.

4th OA meeting

Last night was my 4th OA meeting.  I have been abstinent (no binging, eating 3 meals a day, sometimes with an afternoon snack if lunch is early and dinner will be late) going on 7 days.

The meetings are wonderful.  The woman I know picked me up yesterday & we drove together so we could talk before and after.  Everyone there is amazingly supportive and welcoming, like they have this big gift they want to give every newcomer. 

"Keep coming back" everyone says.  It's really cool.

I'm reading OA and AA material.  The key to long term success, it seems to me from reading, is to work EVERY SINGLE STEP.  You don't get to lose weight, get to step 4 or 5, and then quit, thinking you've beaten the disease.

The people who succeed with long term weight loss and disease management work every step at least once, and continue to work certain steps for the rest of their lives.

The people who succeed also know that they are still addicted to food, are powerless over food, surrender themselves daily to their higher power (their food and their lives), and come to meetings at least once a week.  Many go to 2 or 3 meetings a week.

I am on step one.  Admitting I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

At my next meeting, I'm going to accept the "desire" chip.  You've heard about AA chips, right?  A chip for 30 days abstinent, 60 days, 1 year, etc. 

The first chip is the desire chip.  It took me this long to make up my mind that YES I have a disease, I am not like other people, and I have the desire to surrender to the Steps & the OA process.

I will also be asking an OA veteran (18 years of abstinence) to be my sponsor soon.  That is a very, very big step.  I'm scared, but I know it is the only way to move forward.

Paralyzed when I'm overhwelmed

One of the OA tools is writing.  So I'm writing.  So I won't eat.

I am overwhelmed right now by so much.

Work is busy--I've got stuff spread out all over my desk and have so much to do, I don't know where to start.  I try to take it a piece at a time, but when I'm overwhelmed, I don't want to do any of it.

Finances are miserably tight.  The move we made with the business in April has been wildly successful, BUT our cash flow is crap right now.  It will eventually get better, but our transactional commissions have been $0, and when that money doesn't come in--and we have no control over that...it's all based on market conditions--then we run on empty.  We had to borrow money from my mom, that's how bad it's getting.

Luke probably has attention deficit disorder.  His first grade teacher wanted to talk with me about his inattention, inability to process information quickly, and his anger/acting out issues when he's frustrated. I had a great talk with her today.  I have called his pediatrician, and we are going to fill out Vanderbilt forms (whatever those are) and then have a conference about what Luke needs.  I'm sure it's ADHD.  Sophie's showed up in 1st grade; she didn't get help until the end of that year, and she struggled and cried much of that school year.  Thankfully we are starting early with Luke.  He is SOOOO smart, retains everything, is a creative problem solver (his teacher said he's the brightest kid in the class).  But there's a disconnect that sounds like ADHD.  If he does go on straterra (the non-stimulant drug Sophie takes) I can only pray it's covered by his insurance.

I still have to do our taxes (we always file in October, since we're self employed), which is a daunting task.  I have no time during the day and no desire (or time) at night.  It's just hanging over me like this big black cloud.

I'm not running enough, so I'm not doing the October half marathon.  I'm disappointed in myself and sad I won't be a part of it again this year.

I'm meeting new people through OA.  Which is good, but I've built this shell around me for so long--not letting people in on the "real" problems of my life--that every time I go to a meeting I lose a piece of the shell, which leaves a raw spot.  I have cried at every meeting, every time I talk and often when others talk. Thankfully the members are supportive and have been there; I feel no shame, it's just emotionally upheaving.

My mom started seeing a therapist last week, because her relationship with her husband is terrible.  She called me a couple of weeks ago ready to leave him.  I talked with her for a long time, multiple times over a few days.  I told her the only way she can learn to deal with him (and respond in a healthy way--she's 50% to blame for their issues) is to go to therapy.  We went round and round about the cost of it.  She said she can't spend $200-300 a month on therapy.  I wanted to beat my head against the wall.  I said it's cheaper than a divorce!  And I said if you don't go to therapy, I don't want to hear about your problems anymore.  She agreed to go.   I recommended my therapist, but she doesn't take Mom's insurance, so Mom went to another therapist in the office.  She said she likes her; I was still disappointed she's not seeing Julie.  Mom would have to pay Julie $130 a session; she pays about $30 a session through insurance.  So whatever.  At least she's going and I hope the therapist is good. 

I'm not feeling the crushing weight of depression right now, which is an improvement.  But I've got a great deal of anxiety flowing through me. And tasks of every day life still seem overwhelming to me some days.

I have had one abstinent day--yesterday.  I didn't eat at night.  I went to bed instead of sitting on the couch and staying up late to watch TV and eat. That couch time has been escape/trouble time for years. It's a horrible habit (Vickie wrote about that today, which was a very helpful post for me to read) that I keep reinforcing and haven't been able to stop for an extended period of time. 

The first step of OA is this: We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Big fat YES on both counts.

I feel powerless.  I feel unmanageable.  I feel raw. 

If I'm going to get healthy and follow the OA way, I can't cope with all that through my usual ally--food.

Where does that leave me?  

Step 2 is this: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

And that's the most paralyzing, overwhelming part of it all.  I do believe in God.  I do I do I do.  But I am like the man in the Bible story whose son needs healing, and he says to Jesus "I believe! Help my unbelief."  (John Ortberg at MPPC has a couple of great sermons on this topic).

I believe but I don't believe.  I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I am anxious.  I am one big ball of fear. 

Right now, I don't feel God intervening in all this.  I believe that He will. But I don't believe that He will.

"Perfect love casts out fear."  1 John 4:18.  When I googled that verse, I found this link.  Most definitely something I need to hear right now.

That's where I am today.  And today is all I can manage.  One day at a time.

OA

I started going to OA last Monday. Tonight was my 3rd meeting.

I had someone close to me who is in AA tell me I was talking like an
addict. I knew I was addicted to sugar. But I didn't think of myself
as an addict with a disease.

It's a very different approach to all this food business when you
acknowledge you have a disease.

Not a food problem. Not a lack of will power. Not a disorder. A disease.

OA says this is a disease just like alcoholism is a disease. That is
not an easy idea to wrap my head around. But I'm trying.

So I'm going to meetings, Monday nights and Saturday mornings when I can.

There are a lot of thin people at the meetings--a testament to how the
program does work AND that you're never cured. You have to keep going
and working the program.

There are a lot of men there. I had no idea I could learn from men on
food issues.

No one under the age of about 35. All middle aged and older. I met a
woman tonight who has been abstinent for 20 years--she started OA at
age 21. Several others who have more than 10 years in the program.
Many who are several months to a year or so in. A few newbies like me.

Last Monday at my first meeting there was a woman there who has kids
at the same performing arts studio as Sophie. We had just talked at
length for the first time a few weeks ago at the studio. So when I saw
her there and she saw me, we were both surprised. In a good way. In a
"hey! I'm not alone!" way.

We "click" and have a lot in common. She's been going to OA off and on
for 3 years. We got together Sunday and walked and talked for an hour.

I went back to the meeting tonight in no small part because we said
we'd see each other there. Accountability.

It's early in the process but I like what I'm hearing. It's free, it's
supportive, and I'm not alone anymore. I have "real life" people who
understand what I'm going through.

Not that blog friends aren't important to me--you all are. Obviously,
though, I need more.

It will be hard work that I'm frankly not sure I can do. Or am ready
for. I just know I have to do something. And this seems like the right
path.

For now, it's one day at a time.

First day of school

Sophie is in 5th grade. Luke is in 1st grade.  Can't believe how grown up they both are.


I've had good and bad days the past week.

Monday was a "bones feel like lead" day.  I talked with Mark and cried on his shoulder Monday night (kids were at my mom's Monday & Tuesday since there was no school and no summer day care).  He's in a really good place right now, so he was able to comfort & encourage me.  I'm blessed to have him as a husband.

Yesterday was better.  This morning I got up at 5:40 (which is a HUGE deal for me) and sat in front of my SAD light for 25 minutes & read my Bible.  I prepped the kids' lunches last night (for the week), got them up early, and the morning went smoothly.  We started off the school year right.  I got to work at 8:05.

I was reading yesterday about melatonin possibly making depression worse. I have been taking melatonin for a couple of years to help me sleep. It REALLY helps me sleep.  And sleep.  And sleep.  I have blamed my not getting up in the morning on depression and laziness (I can hit the snooze button for an hour--not healthy or smart, I know). 

I wonder now if melatonin was not getting out of my body soon enough and keeping me asleep too late.  I take a low dose--1 mg, in a two-stage release tablet.  But, still.  I stopped taking it, as of last night, and will see if it helps me get up earlier and possibly help alleviate the depression.

I'll have 5 more sessions of acupuncture, once a week.  It was BLISS on Friday.  I wish I could have it everyday.  Serious relaxation and deeply peaceful.  I think the more out of balance I am, the more effective it is.

I'm starting the SAD light early this year.  September is when SAD starts to hit me.  I figured why wait?  Might as well start it up now and see if it helps.

Food still is not great.  I am in a rut of night eating for comfort.  I know that is going to lift soon.  I can feel the desire to change seeping into my conscience.  When the depression lightens, it makes room for the good stuff.

School starting will be a big help.  Kids are on the bus at 7:30. It is no longer a 45 minute drive to take them to summer camp (45 min from time I left the house to when I got to work).  It's a 7 minute drive to work from my house.  As long as I'm awake by 5:30-40, I can do everything I need to for the day.

It's the evenings that will take some adjusting and attention, but hopefully we'll at least get on a schedule that will stick.

Tidbits on the kids:
Starting in September, Sophie will be taking acting classes on Tuesdays and possibly another acting class and a voice lesson on Thursday.  We have an amazing performing arts studio here, and she flourishes in that atmosphere.  She's quite talented (and that's not just me talking--the studio owner and the teachers have been complimentary and their eyes light up when they talk about her future there).  She had a small role in the Willy Wonka production this summer; she's in the Winnie the Pooh production that runs the last weekend of September.  Her weekends include 8 hours of rehearsals (4 each day).  She loves every single minute.

Luke will be starting baseball in September.  He's never done a team sport.  We want him to try out this instructional league and see if it's a good fit.  He's at a good age to find out what his "thing" is.  We're trying baseball first.


Mark is supposed to take the kids on Monday and Thursday nights.  I start church choir back up next week on Thursday at 7 pm. Choir gives me such a lift, and I have missed that time to myself. 

This summer I've had next to no time to myself and very little help from Mark b/c of work and because he has commitments on Tuesday & Wednesday night (men's group and a weekly meeting with a friend of his--these are what have helped him get emotionally healthy, so they are vital).  He wants me to have time to myself, too.  We just have to work together to make it happen. And to make it happen I have to want to do something at night other than collapse on the couch.

Hopefully I'm moving in that direction.

Just do the next thing (172.6)

The end of last week things took a bad turn.  I think partially it was hormones, and probably also my brain chemistry is doing wacky things with the med changes.  Plus the let down/afters associated with Mark's birthday weekend and his actual birthday on Tuesday.

Whatever the cause, on Thursday I started slipping back into moving-through-mud mode.  I also slipped back into sugar.  The depression feeds the sugar addiction; the sugar addiction feeds the depression.

The depression is pretty bad again.  This morning I made an appointment to go see the acupuncture doctor on Friday.  It worked last year.  I'm praying it can work again.

He's also a psychiatrist and I'm going to ask him to talk to me about my meds.  My health insurance doesn't cover mental health costs, so this is all out of pocket (which sucks).

I wear a happy face at work and in social situations (which I'm frankly avoiding as much as possible); I am mostly miserable at home and not pleasant to be around (my poor husband...he gets the brunt of it).  I am still functioning and taking care of the kids and the house.  But it's very hard for me to interact with my husband or kids with grace or kindness.  They get on my nerves and I'm impatient if they don't do what I ask when I ask it, or if they do it wrong, or if they make a mess, or if they talk too loud. See what I mean?  Not pleasant to live with.

I feel very fragile, like I could break at any minute.  It's awful.

I got through yesterday by repeating to myself "just do the next thing."  I focused on one task at a time.  I did that task.  I got through the work day.

Then I picked up kids and got home and mowed the grass.  I avoided mowing the grass all weekend because I didn't have the energy.  I didn't have it last night either.  But I just did the next thing; I got into a zone with music in my ears and seeing immediate results of a nice lawn from my efforts.

And then my son came out and interrupted me.  Twice.  Then my husband came out and interrupted me.  Twice.  And I got impatient and upset with them both.  I was angry that they couldn't leave me alone for one freaking hour.  It was not a normal response--it was the emotional response of a woman on the edge of losing it.

It's not just the brain chemicals causing the problem--I need more time to myself and need to exercise to clear my head.  But I have to have the mental energy to exercise, which I haven't.  And I have to have a husband who can keep the kids for a couple of hours, which I haven't (he's been working a lot and his quitting time is often unpredictable). 

Mondays and Thursdays are supposed to be my nights off (in the grand scheme of our family schedule, anyway--it rarely happens).  Last Thursday I had planned to go running or take a yoga class. Mark worked until almost 7.  I was cooked by then.  I told him the kids were all his, and I went in the bedroom, shut the door, and watched TV and read a book. I was alone for about 2 hours, but I was stewing and couldn't give myself what I really needed. What I really needed was to have gone running at 4:30 like I'd planned, and not expended the remaining energy I had on kids and dinner and been totally spent by 7 pm.

I hate this.  I hate feeling like just giving up.  I hate living in the past and wishing for my 38 year old body back.  I hate whining.  I hate that flat feeling I have on the inside--like I'm numb, or like the air is made of mud and my limbs have to slog through it.

I know this is biochemical.  I know it's not normal.  I know it is temporary.  I know there are things I can do to make it better.  But it has been going on for months and I'm really, really, really sick of it.

All I can do right now is the next thing.

The weekend birthday party (with a picture of me in my bathing suit)

Mark's 50th birthday party was Saturday.  It was a very full weekend. 

His brother, sister, & niece and their families came into town (from Colorado and Indianapolis) Friday night and surprised him at 9:30 pm by ringing the doorbell and singing happy birthday.  Mark was completely surprised and it was fun to pull that off.  Everything went as I'd hoped, and he had a fun night and a happy and surprising weekend.

Saturday at the pool party we had a lot of family and friends come that Mark hadn't seen in ages, so that was very special (about 50 people total, including kids). 

I didn't have to do anything but show up--the club's pool manager did it all, including having the drinks there and ordering the cake and pizza, and she even served the drinks and food!  So I got to mingle and relax.  It was the best way to do a big party like this. And the weather was PERFECT.  We were truly blessed with the one nice day we've had in weeks falling on Saturday.

I was thankful I had been sugar-free and eating healthy for a week and a half before the party, because it made a big difference in how I looked and felt.  I wore my swimsuit for the second half of the party (it was 3 hours long) and felt OK in it. 

I didn't eat cake or pizza, and I felt ok with that, too. 

Saturday, though, was a maxed-out, extrovert kind of day.  Lots of people, all day and all night long.  Mark's brother and his girlfriend stayed with us Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night.  Sunday I was cooked.  I didn't leave the house.  I did a couple loads of laundry, took a shower, cooked a meal, and that was pretty much it.

I also ate a Hershey bar and one mini Famous Amos cookie. 

The chocolate was a big time "after" reaction. The cookie tasted awful, which was weird.  I didn't want anything else after that cookie.  I don't know why the chocolate bar didn't trigger a full blown binge, but it didn't. 

I'm very thankful I didn't overdo it.  It had nothing to do with will power, I can tell you that.  I don't know why there wasn't a binge.  I'm just glad it didn't happen.

I'm trying to get back to normal today. We have a fridge full of healthy food, leftover from food we supplied for Mark's vegan brother & girlfriend.  So that's a good thing and at least something I won't have to work on for a couple of days.

I do still have some "afters" going on today--the "let down" kind.  I'm melancholy and listless.  I have a ton of work to do at home to clean up after the slothful Sunday and after house guests.  Mark's actual birthday is tomorrow, and while we aren't doing anything other than buying cards for him, we are going to dinner tomorrow night at Bonefish and I have to figure out how I'm going to handle that.  Plenty of healthy stuff, but also plenty of pitfalls I need to avoid.

I did run 3 times last week, in preparation for my October race. I only got 2 miles in on Saturday morning because I went out too late and the sun was blisteringly hot. But I was happy I got out there at all.


Much work still to do to be stable.  Week 3 is always the hardest for me.  I get bored with the good-for-me food.  I stop feeling the immediate benefits of the diet change.  I start thinking about how hard it is to be "good" and how daunting it seems to have to do this for the rest of my life. 

So I need to be extra careful with myself this week.  I guess writing a blog post on Monday is a good start.

What I'm doing better now, and Proverbs 24 (170.8)

So I'm 100% better than I was a few weeks ago. 

This I can attribute to 1) lowering my dose of lamotrigene, 2) eliminating added sugar and as much processed food from my diet as possible, 3) eating fruits and vegetables every day, 4) taking vitamins and supplements again.

The medication was a big factor in how I was feeling.  On Monday my p-doc and I decided to keep lamtorigene at the lower dose of 75 mg and add 150 mg of wellbutrin.  I wasn't going to go back on an SSRI, but I had still been feeling some depression and knew I needed a boost.  Even if it only works a year or two (which has been the pattern in the past), well at least I've had that year or two.  And I'll figure out what's next when it stops working.

It is frankly scary how much clearer and stable I feel without so much sugar in my body.  The scary part is being able to see--since I'm on the other side of it--how much sugar affects my brain and my mood when it's a staple of my diet.

The physical cravings for sugar are gone right now; the mental/habitual cravings are not.  I still have thoughts of chocolate at specific times of day. And I often have to catch myself from not putting something in my mouth (like the mint lifesavers at the reception desk or the hot tamales we have at home) without thinking.

When you get rid of processed, all that's left is whole foods.  Thankfully it's fabulous fruit season and I am awash in delicious, low calorie "sugar substitutes" with affordable raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, and cantaloupe.  I have 2-3 servings a day.  It helps compensate for the lack of sugar and when I'm craving chocolate, I've been eating berries.  It might be more fruit than I need but for now it's OK.

I've been having one big meal a day--rice, beans/lentils, veggies of some kind, salsa, avocado, cilantro (combined this is an amazing dish)--and then eating fruit and veggies at the other meals.  Most nights I will have a cup of milk before bed.  Kay Shepherd's food plan calls for a serving of milk & a fruit before bed.  I think it helps keep the carb cravings away.

I haven't taken my calcium, fish oil, multi-vitamin, and glucosamine regularly for months. I think mostly I stopped b/c it was just too much effort--a symptom of the depression.  I started again last week, and even added Vit D3 (not enough D3 has been shown to increase depression) and a new multi that includes "super greens" (whatever that is... it seemed to be the best one at the organic grocery store). The calcium and fish oil, especially, have made a noticeable difference in my emotional health in the past.  All of these are more like medicine for me, and not simply optional.


I started a new Bible study/devotional email series with Lysa TerKeurst, where I read a chapter a day of Proverbs and write down one verse that stood out to me.  I've decided to read the chapter associated with the calendar day.  So yesterday was Proverbs 24 and the verses that stood out were 33-34.

"A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest--and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man."

Sounds harsh at first blush, doesn't it?  And I don't think this is a comment on Sabbath rest; that's one of the Big Rules, after all, and we're meant to take a full day off from work every week. 

What this said to me is this:  those nights I come home and feel like the day has sucked the life out of me and all I want to do is fall on the bed and be a vegetable the whole night?  Not a good idea.

The key is "a little."  All those "littles" build up.  Often, I think they're harmless.  I'll just have a little bite (and then end up eating the whole thing).  I'll just rest for an hour before I workout (and then the whole night is gone and my body didn't move at all).  I'll start eating healthy and running again tomorrow (tomorrow is code for never).  I'll sleep an extra 15 minutes this morning (which turns into 30 minutes of hitting the snooze alarm and now I'll have to rush and yell at kids to hurry up and probably be late anyway).

The poverty and scarcity, as I interpreted the Word speaking to me yesterday, equal a poverty of the soul and a scarcity of health.  All those "littles" will add up to poverty of a weak body that cannot bend or squat or move easily or stand with strong posture when I'm 60 years old. A scarcity of mental and physical health. 

I have gone back and forth about just giving up--no longer calling myself a runner, giving into the inevitability of getting older and of having a body that's like my mom's when I reach her age. When the depression has hold, it sounds like the only option.

But those verses stuck in my head all day.  I just could not ignore them.

So yesterday after work, when I felt like collapsing on the couch (which, I think, has mostly become a habit just like many other bad habits), I put on my running clothes & got on the treadmill.  I did 3 miles of mostly (slow) running and walking.  It was not easy.  I am finding that the older I get, it is getting harder and harder to start over.  My hips hurt, my back hurt.  My hips and back have never hurt when I've run. 

What it told me was--I have to STOP STARTING OVER.  I have to KEEP GOING until they put me in the grave.

I have 3 plaques on my office wall that I got at the Disney Princess Half expo. They say:

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out & loudly proclaiming, "Wow! What a ride."

"I do not run to add days to my life, I run to add life to my days."

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

Words to live by, and they epitomize how I WANT TO live my life.

Right now, today, thankfully I can't imagine going down the path of entropy and decay.  I have to remember the "littles" add up, whether it's good littles or bad littles.

Today I'm filling with good littles.

Off the sugar (again) - (173 lbs)

I'm doing better.  (thanks for checking on me so soon, Vickie!)

On Tuesday I did some research (again) on how to treat depression with and w/o medication (not that I'm stopping medication, but I can't rely solely on meds b/c I've had such mixed results in the past). 

I learned (again) that sugar is BAD for depression.  I did learn something new--I found a website that talked about the connection between the gut and the brain.  I don't have the exact article (& don't have time to find it right now), but here's the website.  //www.mercola.com/ 

Basically sugar fuels a lot of bad stuff in your body (yeast and other beasties that are bad for your body) that is connected to your brain chemistry, and it creates havoc which can include depression in sugar sensitive people like me.

So I stopped eating sugar (again) on Wednesday.  I know what to eat; I know what to do.  I just have to do it.

What I put in my mouth is medicine--whether it comes in the form of a pill or not.  If it's sugar, that medicine in an addictive drug.  If it's fruits, veggies, clean food, that medicine is an anti-depressant.

Exercise is also key to fighting depression.  Since I'm feeling better--I think the lamotrigine has gotten back down to a level where it's not causing the anxiety and numbing depression that I was having--I have the desire to start exercising again.

But first I had to have the desire to simply function--which came back Wednesday (the same day I didn't eat any sugar).  I cleaned for an hour and I cooked; I didn't feel hopeless.  Last night I cooked and cleaned again.  I don't feel like I'm moving through mud right now.

It's easy to not eat sugar the first few days.  It's later, when the newness wears off and my body figures out what I'm doing, that it's going to get difficult.  I will do everything I can to be ready for it.

At my appointment with the p-doc, I'm not planning on getting back on an SSRI.  I don't think it will help, frankly, and could make things worse.  There are a lot of articles that say SSRI's don't work for many people--I have been through them all, and they've worked for a while and then they stop. They can cause weight gain.  I feel like I need to stay on the mood stabilizer--it helps, it works.  I just need to keep the lower dose. 

But the rest of the depression needs to be faced with stark reality--I am in control of making myself well.

Back from Colorado

We got back late Thursday night. It was a good trip all in all. Had a
lot of fun with family. The kids did great in the car. The weather was
a nice change from the heat of summer. We saw the Beach Boys at Red
Rocks and that was an amazing night.

But my Meds started messing with me while out there. I got more
depressed and had one small and one major panic attack. It was similar
to what happened to me when my Wellbutrin was upped to 300 mg back in
2009.

I took a lot of Xanax to keep calm and I cut my lamotrigene pills in
half. I'm not having panic attacks but I'm still depressed and not
myself.

I was out of it all weekend. It was a struggle to get through the
days. I was overwhelmed with everything that had to be done when we
got home. My mom came down Friday and helped with the kids and did
some laundry for me. So at least we all have clean clothes for the
week, even though I'm not completely unpacked yet.

I'm glad to be back at work and out of the house. I am going to see
the p-doc as soon as I can get in to see her. Probably will ask to be
put back on Wellbutrin. I don't know how much it will help or if
there's another solution. Hopefully something will work.

It's very frustrating. Battling depression again. Wanting to run and
do yoga but the feeling of inertia is too strong. Like I'm moving
through mud. And I can barely take care of the minimum tasks of
living.

Our finances are tight again, which happens in our line of work. We
are always eventually ok, but I still worry when money gets this
tight. The worry paralyzes me too.

So, no good news other than we are all physically healthy and safe.
Which in and of itself is more than a lot of people can say, so I am
thankful for those blessings at least.

A little better

The meds started working a smidge better a couple days ago.  I know they are working better because I can cook and clean the kitchen and it's not a monumental effort to live my daily life.

Night time eating is better.  I've been going to bed after putting the kids to bed, instead of sitting on the couch with food only a few feet away.  That conditioned response--of eating when it's bed time and I'm sitting on the couch--is powerful, and the only way to break it, that I can see, is to remove myself from the situation.

What's not better are my intrusive thoughts.  I still imagine myself or other people getting hurt (or worse) or having accidents.  If these aren't gone in a couple more weeks, I'm going back to the psych and probably will ask to increase the meds again.  The thoughts are not controllable; they come and go.

I haven't had time or energy to go running or walking and haven't been to yoga in over a week.  Mark is very busy and often doesn't get home until 6, and by then I'm done for the day (at least, done as far as working out... I still have an hour or more of kid duty before bed).

We are still planning on going to Colorado next week.  I'm excited by I'm also dreading it.  It's going to be a ton of work, a long drive, a long time away from home, and everyone out there is super healthy & skinny.  I feel bad about myself when I'm this heavy & around Mark's family.  Sigh. 

The kids will have fun though and they are really excited.  Despite my body issues, I can't wait to spend time with everyone.  We haven't seen this part of our family since Thanksgiving. So that will be nice.

So I guess I'm okay--not great, but not in the pit.  That's something at least.

And weight is staying stable around 170.  Not happy about that at all.  Just not enough energy (or in enough misery) to do anything about it yet. 

What I can and can't do right now

I am still struggling. We did increase meds from 100 to 150 mg. Too
early to know if that will help. So far it isn't.

I'm in a haze of ambivalence. I can function to keep up with my life
but have nothing left over. I can take a couple yoga classes a week
and even did 3 miles walk/run one day last week. I can do laundry all
day Saturday and take the kids where they need to go. I can shop, pay
bills, go to work.

The depression or whatever it is takes away the "extra spark" I
usually have. Sometimes, like today, things feel insurmountable and I
want to cry. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. I'm easily angered
and frustrated. I often feel like giving up.

I know I'm not ok right now.

And I can't get the food right. I do okay during the day and then at
night I crash into sugar. I hate it. I can't stop myself.

Compared to many and from the outside I'm doing great. Inside, I can
barely stand it and just want the sadness and heavy feeling to go
away.

I'm giving the increase in meds a few weeks. If I'm not better when we
get back from Colorado around July 11, I'm going back to the psych.

I'm slammed at work and at home.
I'm overwhelmed but I don't know what else to do right now. Other than
take it one day at a time and trust that it will get better.

********
Thank you for thinking of me, Vickie, and letting me know. I think
about you a lot--wondering how you DO all you do and stay stable and
eat well. And I'm amazed at you!

Appointment Monday

Just set appointment to see my psych/nurse practitioner Monday
afternoon. I'm having intrusive thoughts and mood cycling again.

I'm guessing my Meds need to be increased. Or maybe add one. I'll see
what she says. I just know I'm feeling like I did before I started on
this medication and I want to get ahead of it before it gets bad.

It's been a crazy week. Kids in day camp all day -- it's a 45 min trip
to get them to camps and then to work. So I'm in the car 90 min a day.

And they have VBS this week from 6-8:30 (which they love and it's
Sophie's last year since she'll be in 6th grade next year!!). But it
makes for long days for everyone. And late bedtimes.

No workouts for me since Sunday which is taking a toll

Also, Sophie is in a play the weekend of June 22nd (4 performances in
3 days) and she has rehearsals Thursday's, Friday's and Sunday's.

She leaves for sleep away church camp this Sunday, which is a 6 hour
round trip drive (going with another mom and she's driving). Then pick
up the following Friday, another 6 hour drive.

Then, we are driving to Colorado July 4-5th, returning July 11-12th.
For niece's wedding and time with Mark's family. Going to see the
Beach Boys at Red Rocka. And we'll go to the Rockies state park. I'm
so excited about the trip but it's one more thing to do.

And I'm having a surprise 50th birthday party for Mark on July 28.
Have to get list of guests and invitations ready. Thankfully I'm
having it at our fitness club's pool, and they pretty much do
everything for us (food drinks cake).

Egads, it's a lot to handle.

Summer will be over sooner than I can imagine. Will be bittersweet. A
memorable and busy one.

Work is awesome. Love the environment. Very supportive. Clients are
happy. We are moving clients to few based model so we're working
toward a steady predictable income. It's all good. (no interaction
from old office guy, thank goodness)

I'm wrapped up in my own life. Miss catching up on my blog friends
lives. I think of you all often! I look forward to the day I have more
time to be involved with others and not so self focused. Wonder when
that will be?!

I'm doing a little better. Ran/walked Saturday 4 miles. Took a yoga
class Sunday. Food is a bit better.

I think I may be having depression issues again though. I thought I
was just feeling hormonal but that usually only lasts a couple of
days. I'm going to see how the rest of this week goes and if I still
feel like this next week, I'm going to see my psych.

I will post more when I can.

Struggling

It's been a tough few weeks.

I do fine during the day. Then I walk into my house at the end of the
day and it's like the air is let out of a balloon.

I deflate. I feel oppressed. I feel the weight of the world.

It makes me eat.

And I've gained 6 pounds.

A lot of this oppression at home is self imposed. I am much harder on
myself about keeping the house up than my family cares about. But *I*
care.

Just the shear fact of getting kids and myself dinner, and baths
(which they only get a few times a week--it's not an every night
thing), and homework (school's out today), picking up clutter, doing
laundry, opening mail and paying bills, and the myriad of "to do's"
that never get done.... Basically I get home and don't sit down or do
anything for me until after 9 pm.

And then I have nothing left. I am in the rut of sitting on the couch
and watching TV and eating sugar. A lot of sugar.

I know it's The Afters. The nights I've done Yoga have been better. I
got to go 3 times last week. That still left 4 nights of severe
Afters.

I have been thinking all morning how to break the cycle (Vickie, I was
just getting ready to write this when you commented). My pants are
tight today. It's a constant reminder things have to change.

I want to start running again. When I run I do better. It's summer
now. I should have more time. I'll be training soon for a half
marathon in October.

It's the energy that's the issue. It's a monumental task right now to
work all day, then take care of Life at Home, then workout. It's also
impossible for me to get up before work to run--I can't make myself
get out of bed early. Mark can pick up kids one or two days a week,
and I take advantage of it when he does.

Even on those days, though, I struggle with the deflated thing at
home. It's easier in some ways because I had time to recharge a bit.
But not that much easier.

So that's life right now. Work is still great. We love it here. And
I'm not feeling depressed. Just overwhelmed, I guess.

The summer is already packed. That has me anxious because it's going
to cost us a good deal to do everything--summer day camps are a
fortune; a trip to Colorado in July for our niece's wedding; Mark's
50th birthday surprise party at the end of July.

I have to find the energy to change. Today it feels like a huge undertaking.

I pulled up Kay Sheppard's website this morning. I'm taking steps to change.

I know it will get better. It always does. I will find my way out. Again.

Yoga

My gym opened a new hot yoga studio last month.

This week I've been twice.

It's amazing what a mind-body connection will do for you.

It's not free--$45 a month unlimited classes (drop in rate is $10).
Worth every cent as long as I go.

Which I plan to. Often.

The instructor told us last night to think of one thought to hold onto
during class. Mine was "peace with sugar."

I didn't eat junk last night for the first time in weeks.

Ahhh. At least for today I have some peace.

Vickie, I do need to work on chest openers. I will look at your link
soon. My chest is so tight and inflexible. I can tell how it hampers
me in several poses.

Quick update.....

I am doing ok. My weight is stable at 168 but I have not been eating
well or exercising. So it's not going to stay stable if I don't get it
together.

Last week was amazingly successful at work but very stressful. I've
also got some personal issues at home adding to the stress. And I've
defaulted to food for comfort.

I'm taking those baby steps back to getting on track. I bought veggies
at the grocery. I picked up fitness class schedules at the gym. I'm
going to set a couple nights a week for ME, which Mark supports me
doing, so I can start working out regularly.

My energy has been directed toward the business move for a few months
now. I've had no mental or physical energy to do much of anything
else, above the usual Mom and Wife stuff.

Thankfully the intensity at work will be lightening up soon. And when
it does I'll be in a great position to start moving forward again.

The new work place and my food

From a work stand point, I haven't been this happy in many many years.

Our new office is outstanding. The three partners we work with/for are
great. The other support staff are great. My office--with a door and
window and big desk-- is great. Mark is happy too.

We have gotten a huge response from clients. And I'm swamped! Which is
a very very good thing.

It has been rough, though. from a self care standpoint. There have
been days when I literally have no time to eat. And I come home at 7
pm and care for kids then at 9 dive into sugar. This has happened a
few times now. Enough that my body is back to craving sugar and food
when I'm not hungry.

Sigh.

3 steps forward 2 steps back.

I haven't exercised in weeks. I have no time or energy to cook. If it
weren't for Mark doing all the laundry the past few weeks we'd be
living out of laundry baskets.

It's temporary. It will get better.

What I don't want to happen is to get completely out of control. I'm
not there yet. I don't want to be a slave again. I want to eat
veggies and protein. I need quick fixes. I'm going to hopefully have
time this weekend to figure out some better alternatives for next
week. I don't want to have another week like this again.

I will post more when I have time. Going to go cook some Brussels
sprouts now and eat dinner at 8 pm.

Moving Day

.... is tomorrow.

I had a great birthday on Friday. 

I worked 14 hours this weekend.

Moving an office that you've been in for almost 5 1/2 years is a bitch.

But I'm so stinking excited I can't stand it.

It's extremely difficult to eat healthy & stay focused in this time of craziness.  I'm doing ok--I'm glad I had time the past few weeks to establish some healthy food habits.  I've had a couple of candy binges at night, but they haven't spilled over into the next day--no "what the hell" thoughts.  So I'm grateful for that.

I pulled a muscle in my right quadricep yesterday, pushing a box with my foot.  It doesn't burn or ache when I sit or when I walk (much) but when I stand up from a squat or push at all (as in, I pushed myself backwards in the bathtub while sitting down, and it hurt like mad).  We don't have stairs in the new office, thank God, because stairs aren't easy either (no sharp pain--we have stairs in our current office--but I have to go up them gingerly).  I wore a compression thingy last night and that helped. 

I haven't had an injury like this since Luke was an infant in 2006 & I was just starting to run (at 205 pounds).  I hate being injured. It makes me feel old and it makes me mad.  Mark has a horrible back & can't do anything, so I simply cannot be injured. 

I hope my leg muscle understands this and heals quickly.

I don't know what this means to my exercise prospects.  I can't think about that today.  I'll think about that later.

Wish me luck on our move!  I'll post updates as soon as I can.

New profile pic

It's been almost 3 years since I went to St John (where the picture in my old profile pic was taken).  Here's today's self portrait.

I'm doing very, very well right now

Several nights last week I had vegetables as the main course of my dinner. This astounds me.
I have read on Vickie's blog many times how her decisions about food are which vegetable am I eating for this meal?  I read in Karly's book how her meals are focused around vegetables.

I thought they were both a little nuts.

Then last week, I was craving zuch and yellow squash.  I cut them into chunks, then dry sauteed them until they were toasty brown but still a bit firm, then I did the same to some bean sprouts. Mixed them together, sprinkled on some low sodium soy sauce and man, it was fabulous. 

I ate more than half and could have eaten the whole thing but was afraid what a whole zucchini and squash with a bag of bean sprouts would do to my digestive system!  I think I had a sweet potato later that night and some hot tea. 

Not eating sugar and white flour is changing my life.

I did not eat Easter candy.  Not one bite.  I had the occasional tug of desire, but it wasn't a craving.  It was longing for the past comfort that candy has brought me.

I was also at a wedding Saturday and did not eat cake.  I had one of the best pork chops I've ever eaten in my life, and I had decaf coffee, and I was delightfully satisfied. 

Far overriding my desire for sugar was the physical and emotional sensations of health and balance from abstaining from sugar.

I am thinking more clearly, having fewer emotional swings, am much more patient with my kids and husband, am not taking naps or feeling sluggish or bloated.

Yes, I still have emotional desires for sugar, especially for chocolate. As a side note to Debbie's comment last week, I can't do sugar free chocolate because most artificial sweeteners in any large amount gives me a headache, plus too much artificial sweetener can trigger MY tongue and brain to want sugar... whether this is everyone's experience or not, I don't know.  But it's how I react.  I also can't have dark chocolate because even a tiny bit causes migraines.

One night last week I wanted chocolate badly, but I made a cup of decaf tea (which has been my comfort "food" of choice for several weeks) and in about 15-20 minutes it passed.  A miracle!

I am going to therapy this afternoon.  I have no illusions I am "cured."  I am a recovering addict who needs support.

Yep, our business move is next week.  We may have to delay it a few days because of an issue with our largest client who is out of the country on the date we plan to transition, but that will be worked out in the next few days and not by me. 

I don't do well with The Unknown.  I like concrete, "I know what's going to happen," plans.  It is a struggle not to scream and throw a fit with this uncertainty.  But every time the nutso thoughts enter my head, I am working to blow them away like clouds.  

I remember a post Vickie wrote about a yoga class (I think it was yoga) where the instructor said if you have a thought that you don't want, picture it as a cloud and then gently blow it away.  So that's what I'm doing.

I've been blowing away a lot of clouds. 

I also have only weighed myself once since I stopped eating sugar.  The one time I weighed about 2 weeks ago I was disappointed because I was still 169.2.  I felt like I weighed less because my body felt lighter and my clothes were looser.

I was happy before I got on the scale, and then I was disappointed and mad.  What's the point of that?

I am not going to change the way I eat based on what the scale says.  I'm not eating sugar or flour to the best of my ability.  I am eating when I'm hungry.  I am exercising when I can (did a boot camp workout Saturday morning that kicked my butt and was awesome). 

Whether I lose weight or not is irrelevant.  The way I am living my life isn't going to change based on what the scale says.  The way I feel about myself--whether joyful or disappointed--shouldn't depend on the number on the scale.

It is not an easy thing to unhook from the scale. But it is getting easier every day, just like it's getting easier to say no to sugar.

Here's what I'm learning

*Even a small amount of white flour--say in a few slices of pizza--will put me in a carb coma.

*I cannot eat quick-cook steel cut oats.  They put me in a carb coma.  I CAN eat regular steel cut oats that take 20 minutes to cook, without any carb reaction.  (I always eat these with one egg, to balance the meal with protein.)

*I can eat blue corn chips (but have to count them and be very careful to control quantity); I can't eat yellow corn chips.

*Salsa can have sugar in it.  After being off sugar for just a few days, I could taste the sugar.  (I normally buy "Wholly Salsa" that just has the good stuff in it.  The grocery was out & I bought another kind, but this was before I went off sugar and wasn't checking labels.  Now I know to check labels on salsa, which, IMO, has no business having sugar added to it in the first place.)

*BBQ sauce's #1 ingredient is sugar.

*If I'm home all day with a sick daughter, who I'm worried might have appendicitis because she's had a low grade fever and stomach pain for 3 days, I'm going to binge on sugar. 

Sophie is fine now. I talked to the doctor yesterday morning primarily because she'd been running a 99-100 temp for 3 straight days, which is abnormal for her.  The doctor thought it was a virus, but said to watch for certain signs that could indicate appendicitis. And I worried all day long; every time her stomach would cramp & hurt, I was afraid I'd be taking her to the ER.  She was hurting up until she went to bed at 8:30.  I finally lost it at 8:45 and ate cookies and Easter candy out of the kids baskets.  She's fine today; I'm fine today. 

*I need to exercise.  I ran two short runs last week, and that was it.  I need to make time to workout.  My brain needs the endorphins and my body needs the outlet.

*Dry roasted edamame is the bomb.  Simply the best, easiest, "keep in my car for hunger emergencies" snack ever.

*Hot green tea is delicious.

*I cannot weigh myself everyday in the midst of learning to be sugar free.  When I don't lose every day, I have way too many the "what's the point?" thoughts.  I put the scale in Mark's bathroom.  I haven't weighed for about a week.  My pants are looser.  That's enough for me.

*My definition of "sugar free" is actually "very low sugar."  I still use 1/2 tsp Splenda brown sugar for my tea, which is 50/50 splenda/sugar.  I still use 1 tbsp lite choc syrup for my coffee in the morning.  I use unsweetened soy milk for my latte, but it has a gram or two of sugar.  There's a gram of sugar in the soy crisps I like (like rice cakes but with soy--have protein in them, and I'm not reactive to them), even though the ingredients don't list sugar.  I probably get between 10-15 grams of sugar on a good day. For now, that's good enough.

*I still have no idea how to accept "I'll never eat chocolate again."  I don't know if I can. 

*The best way for me to stay away from sugar/refined carbs/carbo overload is to remember how they make me feel--I do not like to be passed out on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.  I do not like to feel grouchy with my kids for no reason.

The recent carb comas have happened from NON binges.  From a few slices of pizza.  From too big a meal, even one that is sugar free (but not carb free--too big a sweet potato along with a big meal is too much for me & I get sleepy).

*I am extremely reactive to TOO MUCH. 

Acceptance

It's difficult to accept that I can't eat sugar. Ever.

Giving up chocolate is probably the hardest part right now.

Not having pumpkin pie or birthday cake or ice cream--ever--is more
than I can wrap my head around.

Yet I keep thinking of the alcoholic that quits drinking and thinks
the same thing. I can't have alcohol--ever.

Comparing my sugar addiction to alcoholism is, no pun intended,
sobering. My addiction is no less significant. No less painful to
conquer. My pain is real.

I'm in mourning for the loss of sugar. And in doubt as to whether I
can do this for the rest of my life.

That's where the AA tenants come in. I simply can't worry about the
rest of my life. I can only take on today. And I need to practice
living each day through the serenity prayer.

Still, it messes with my head-- "I can never have _______ again."

I'm starting a grateful list today. Writing down 10 things I'm
grateful for every day. I will include the reasons I'm grateful for
sugar free living. I hope they will help me focus on acceptance.

Eventually I'll get to acceptance and abundance. But right now, this
mourning process has me feeling the loss of what I'm giving up.
*****
I weighed today and I'm back to 168.8. I didn't weigh when I was at my
height of binging a couple weeks ago. My guess is I was a good 5
pounds heavier. While weight loss isn't the focus right now--Karly
advises against focusing on weight loss as you may over eat non sugar
foods in the beginning--it will hopefully be a benefit of giving up
sugar.

Devotional reading

I read this just now in my devotional book I have at my desk at work.  It spoke to me today, and I wanted to share. 

O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.

Pressure me that I may grow more human,

not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them...

Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly,
and my needs honestly.

Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them and they in me.

Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations

that divert me from the small, glad gifts

of the now and the here and the me.

Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,

until I can laugh at last

through my common frailties and failures,

laugh my way toward becoming whole.

--Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace


Therapy appointment scheduled for Monday, 4/2.  Acupunture scheduled for Friday, 3/30.

Day 6

Lots more energy. Physical cravings are gone. Emotional and habitual
cravings are still very much an issue.

But I can identify them when they happen and name them for what they are.

After lunch and dinner I still crave a sweet. I have been eating
strawberries or an apple and drinking hot tea.

Chocolate is ever present in my mind. I was eating a lot of it before
I started this. So it's not surprising. The chocolate thoughts come
when I used to eat it-- mid afternoon, after work, before bed.
Habitual thinking I have to reprogram.

I also have snacks the kids like but I don't. I threw out the Hersey
bars. Chips ahoy are gone too.

My before bed routine has to change. I can't put the kids to bed then
sit on the couch. That is a minefield of bad habits. So tonight I sat
in my front room while listening to music and painting my nails. So no
food issues to get sucked into.

It's hard. Breaking bad habits is a bitch.

My mantra is "sugar makes me crazy. I can't be crazy." And also, "I
just have to get through today. I can get through today (or the next
hour or the next 20 minutes)."

Day 5 detox from sugar

I'm still hanging in there.

Day 3 was brutal. I actually took Monday off from work. I felt like I
had a case of mild flu most of the day. By the afternoon I was better.

Yesterday was not as difficult. Last night I had tons of energy.

Today I'm awake at 5:30. So I am on an up trend now.

Cravings have been light and stemming more from routine than anything.
Like eating hot tamales from the candy dish when I get home from work
(dish is gone now). Having some chocolate after lunch and dinner.
Eating cookies before bed.

There are a lot of foods I am mourning. I miss chocolate the most.

I just keep repeating in my head what Karly writes--I can't eat sugar.
Ever. Sugar makes me crazy.

Not--sugar makes me fat. Crazy.

I don't want to be fat, but I can live as an overweight middle aged
wife and mom. And I don't hurt anyone but myself.

I can't live life crazy. Or angry. Or passed out from a binge. That
hurts the people I love most.

So it's going well. I am hopeful for more good stuff ahead. And
hopefully will have enough time and energy to start working out again
this week.

Day 2 sugar detox

I guess I'm doing this right because I feel like crap.

Actually it does feel good not to be a slave to sugar right now.
Yesterday was pretty great. I knew days 2-4 would be the hardest. And
while I was fine this morning, by late afternoon today I could feel
the chemical shift in my brain and body.

"To get out you must go through." I read that quote yesterday either
in Karly's book or Vickie's blog or somewhere. My detoxing brain can't
remember and after a 5 minute search gives up.

At any rate, I can't get out of the sugar without first going through detox.

I wish I was in a fancy detox spa. But I'm not. Real life is my only
way through.

In her book Karly says to detox during a non stressful time. Which I
agree with and wish I could adhere to.

But I don't know that I'll ever have a non stressful time in my life.
Heck, compared to when my dad was sick, this IS a non stressful time.

And honestly, the alternative--giving my life over to sugar addiction
and all the misery that goes with it--isn't an option and won't make
me feel any better. So I guess it's all good.

I am camped out in my relaxing front room reading more of her book.
I'm not craving sugar, which is a relief.

I just feel like I got hit by a truck.

Being in the sugar is too hard

I've been playing this mind game over the past few weeks about how I'm
going to get through the work and stress.

I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.

Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.

I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.

This is of course addict behavior.

I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.

I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.

I felt ashamed and out of control.

It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.

So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.

I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.

It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
life giving.

I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.

I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.

It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.

I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.

The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.

It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.

Good things ahead (168.8)

I am swamped so this is a quick update.

We are joining another practice on April 18th.  There are three advisers in their mid 30s, each with 8-10 years experience.  They are sharp and successful and family oriented, and everything we have been looking for in a team. There are four other support staff; I will be the 5th.  It's going to be a great move for us, our family, our clients, and for the practice we are joining.  Win win win all around.

We are meeting with clients like mad, doing annual reviews and sharing the news.  We (I) also have a ton of work to do to transition our business. I am starting to work weekends as of tomorrow, for as long as it takes.

Oh, and the other broker fired his new assistant on Monday.  He has a woman who's a friend helping him out now, and she's really bright but has no financial experience.  So far they haven't bothered me much.  But it's just one more unstable element in my daily life.  Things at work and around him are getting worse, not better, and I cannot wait to be free of this place.

I ran once this week, lifted weights once this week, am going to a boot camp thing with one of the girls I ran with in Florida on Saturday morning.  So I'm keeping fairly active.

My food during the day is fine. My night time eating is awful.  Lots of afters going on.

So, I've got issues. But I'm too busy to deal with them effectively. 

The good news is I feel okay, not depressed.  The sunlight and longer days help a lot.  My kids and husband are doing well.  Lots of good stuff.  Just a bit overwhelming. 

I will update more when I can. 

Princess Half Marathon (170.6)

My Disney Princess was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty--hence the pink/blue theme, as in "make it pink! make it blue" that the fairies do as they fight over the color of her dress.  I also have a temporary Aurora tattoo on my left arm. 



So the race was great.  6 days away from home was way too long.  I am glad I did it, but I likely won't do a race that far away and for that long again. 

I finished right at 3 hours by my Garmin.  That was my goal.  This is the heaviest I've ever run a half marathon.  I am slower the more I weigh.  So a fast time wasn't my goal, but running the whole thing was.  Which I did.  I only walked water stations and for two Gu's.  I ran the entire rest of the race.  Even the on ramps, which were hilly, banked, and long.  I did not run fast--around 13:30/ mile.  But I ran and never stopped to just walk.

Nothing wrong with walking--I have done it in every race I've ever run.  But this was a new goal for me and I did it.

The six women I travelled with were wonderful, with the exception of one friend who I knew was going to be an issue but didn't realize how bad it would be.  She did not train for this race.  Her longest run was 6 miles and that was last October.  She has the martyr thing going on, and it is BAD.  As in, "I was going to call you ladies at mile 9 when I figured you were all finished and it started raining and tell you to just go back to the hotel and not wait for me" or "I will stay at the hotel and not go to our special fancy dinner if so and so needs such and such" or "Do you want me to pull your suitcase for you?"--asked half a dozen times.

On the 2nd day there, she talked with her husband and got mad at how he'd handled an issue with their 13 year old daughter.  We were all in a shop in the Magic Kingdom and she's crying and walking around to each of us, saying she's going to leave her husband when she gets home, and that she is going to fly home that night.

Everyone else was already fed up with her, too.  I did fine the entire trip, biting my tongue and nodding or just ignoring her.

Until last night on the 3 hour drive home (which was after we'd flown from Orlando to Indianapolis). Right before we get to my house, she starts talking about the race and how her husband sabotaged her training and she just gave up.  Then she asks me point blank, "do you understand now why I said I was going to leave him?" 

And I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore.

I said no.  I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around having a husband you have to ask permission to take care of yourself.  I can't wrap my head around asking your 13 year old daughter if it's okay if you go to the gym. I can't wrap my head around ANY PART of the way you live your life.

I didn't say any of that.  I said no, I don't understand.  And I said she needs to watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" or read the book, and see what happens when a wife takes care of herself and doesn't depend on her family to make her happy.  I said she has to work on herself first, and not expect to change her husband. 

What she took away from my lecture (and it was a lecture--I know, I blew my "people just want to be heard" attitude, big time) was "I guess I'm just a bad mom and wife."  And she pulled out her phone and started texting and crying and wouldn't even look at me.

My last words to her were that she was too good a mom and wife and she was a horrible friend to herself.  And that if all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her and not share an opinion about what could make her life better, she shouldn't bring that kind of stuff up anymore.  She ignored me.  She probably won't talk to me again for a long time, if ever.

Which, frankly, is fine with me.

I just don't have it in me to be around a martyr whose every conversation--seriously, every one--is a desperate cry to be needed or, alternatively, to be cared for.  She sucked the life out of me. 

And it wasn't just me.  There were two other girls there who I connect with very strongly, who said the exact same thing. 

The good news is that I recognized what I did, even though I didn't stop myself during the process.  I have pretty much let it go--except I needed to vent here.  And I'm not upset, I'm not apologizing to her, I'm not seeking to mend the friendship or whatever.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. This is a top of my head ramble before I go pick up kids. I have a ton of stuff to do to get caught up from the trip. I got home last night at 10:30 pm and was at work at 10 am. 

At least I didn't gain a ton of weight while I was gone.  I'm still really bloated from travel.  It's almost spring.  I have killer strong calves from the 20+ miles I moved my legs the past several days (we did the parks twice, all day long--lots of miles).  And I can't wait to move my body, get healthy, and get into summer shape.

In Orlando

Just arrived in Florida for the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I'll
report more as I have time and when I get back.

Long, dark tunnel

There is a light at the end, but it seems so far off.

My work environment has become unbearable.  I won't go into details, because they are long and boring and many other people have it worse that me.  Everyday I enter our office I am weighed down and am miserable almost all day.  The insanity of the situation--the idiocy and the ignorance and the arrogance and the work load on ME that has nothing to do with me or our clients--is too much for me to bear. 

I sometimes handle it with grace, but more often than not my frustration shows.  I am pushing it all down, just so I can get through the day. 

Which means, of course, it comes bubbling out at home in the form of a binge.

I want to cry every day during the day, but I can't because I'd walk around looking like a raccoon from my ruined eye makeup.  At night I have to keep it together for the kids' sake.  When it's bed time I'm so fried I can't do anything but watch TV or read.  And eat.

The good news is this-- we are leaving to join another firm on April 18th.  It's an incredibly exciting and big-step-up opportunity.  The group of three financial advisors we are joining is exactly what we've been hoping for.  We will have back up, we will have support, we will have an "out" if the unthinkable happens to Mark or me.  And we are joining a stable, successful environment of young, brilliant men.  And four women assistants.

Between now and then, though, I have a butt load of work to do.  And a lot of stress to deal with.

I told Mark last night I feel like I'm on the verge of self destruction. I don't want to self destruct.  I need to keep my weight stable, and preferably at least around 165, so I can survive all this without blowing up to a size 16 or 18 again. 

Mark is doing really well with his health, both physically and emotionally. He's been working hard.  I am going to start leaning on him to support me so I don't lose it. It's in his best interest to help me, and he knows it and is willing to help.

My routines have been crappy, and I've not been helping myself at all.  While I am still running, because I have the race next week (next week! I'll be in Florida away from all this for six days!!), 15 miles a week can't make up for all the crap I'm putting in my body.

This morning, after talking to Mark last night about how bad it is and what I need to do to change, I got up at 4:50 am (I had been up since 4 am anyway, because Luke woke up with a bad dream) and was at work by 8 am.  I am going to the gym on my lunch hour today.  I don't normally even leave the office because I get here at 9:30 or 10 and work through till 4 or 4:30.  That's not healthy for me anymore.

I've worked out a schedule for weeknights that I hope Mark can support--with him picking up kids two nights a week so I can go to yoga and weights class.

If I can work out the emotional crap in the gym, then I know the food will take care of itself.  I know what to do; I just need the emotional energy to do it.

Busy busy busy busy busy (167.8)

I am still doing OK. 

But I am swamped, with work & personal stuff.

Work--busy time of year before tax season.  We are also working on big picture business stuff that is and will be keeping me particularly busy in the near future.  But it's all good stuff.  I can get into specifics in a month or so.

Personal--both kids are in their school's variety show this Saturday.  I am the leader of both their groups.  Which means I've been in charge of their rehearsals and all the parent communications (texts & emails), which has taken a lot of time. Luke's kindergarten group has 13 kids; they are singing the Oakridge Boys "Elvira" and it's adorable.  Sophie's group has 6 girls & 2 boys; they are singing "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music.  That group was more difficult to keep focused than the Kindergartners.

I'm also running a half marathon in Disney World in 20 days.  Less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in Florida without my husband or kids. I'm both excited and sad.  I will miss my family so much. And I'm sure I'll worry how they will survive without me.  But they will.  And I will have a blast.  We leave on Wednesday 2/22 and get home on Monday 2/27.  The race is Sunday.

My eating has sucked at night. I don't believe the scale right now.  It feels like I weigh more than that.  I know that I am just pushing down all my emotions and worries and concerns and craziness. 

I AM doing really well on many levels--I'm more stable since increasing my meds and using my SAD light on a regular basis.  I'm in a great place spiritually, and working on leaving my ego at the door and treating everyone I meet with respect.

It is not an easy thing to examine yourself and find that there is a lot inside you that comes out in your behavior in a negative and ugly way.  I am working on being humble and not such a know it all.  I am working on being less narcissistic.  I am working on being patient and less defensive and keeping my mouth shut more. 

It's hard work, and I often fail. But I keep working at it.

And I refuse to use the word TRY.  Try is an excuse to fail.  I am not successful every day, but I keep moving forward and I am not giving myself an excuse to fail.

That's where I need to get with my food issues. I need to step away from "try" and start working on it every single moment of every single day.

That is a difficult thing for me to do when (a) food has always been my "backup" in trying and difficult times (and even good stress is still stress) and (b) I simply don't have the mental energy to work on one more thing.

It's a big thing, yes.  It's a lifelong thing, yes.  It's a daily battle that I have not thrown up my hands and said "that's it, I quit" and then go face dive into a box of little powdered donuts, a.k.a. my nemesis.

At least January is FINALLY over.  I love putting things on my calendar for March and April. 

I'm doing better (167.0)

Using the SAD light consistently seems to be key in keeping me sane.
My meds are also increased slightly which is hopefully helping. Online
sermons from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church are literally a God send
for me. As is my quiet time with my Bible in the morning.

It's still been a rough week though. I'm crazy busy and so is Mark. I
cry almost every morning but that's really not a bad thing. I'm not
crying at night anyway.

I'm eating better, more deliberately, less junk. It's showing in the
scale and my clothes. I ran twice this week; doing 9 miles Saturday.
My half marathon is 30 days away.

We are all healthy (whispered and knocking wood--there's a lot of
sickness going around).

I am too busy to write anything other than a quick update though. But
I have lots of thoughts on eliminating hurry, on what true rest means
for me, and on how relying on money or food to soothe the void when
pain comes is a symptom of self sufficiency instead of living with
God's grace. So hopefully I'll have time soon to actually put some
thoughts to paper.

As it is, I'm typing this on my iPhone right before bed. Which is
better than nothing.

Back to the psych (170.0) and "hurry"

My moods have been cycling a bit lately.  I thought it was just missing days on my SAD light or hormones.  And maybe in part it is.  But the past week I've been using my SAD light regularly and I've still had weird days.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling on top of the world--and like I was going to get myself on track and lose weight and get back into great shape.  By the end of the day, I was back in the pit. 

Then Wednesday I woke up in the pit, but ended the day feeling really great, only to have the air let out of me when I got home because of a conversation with my husband. And I was back in the pit.  I went running last night and that helped alleviate some stress, but I stayed pretty much in the pit the rest of the night. 

This morning I realized that it's not just been the past two days I've been "cycling" through this stuff.  So I called my therapist's office and made an appointment for tomorrow to see the nurse practitioner and get my meds increased.  I'm on a very low dose of my mood stabilizer and there is plenty of room to increase it.

So onto the "hurry" part.  I am listening to Menlo Park Presbyterian podcasts (LOVE John Ortberg--thanks to Debby for introducing me to him a few years ago).  The one from 6/1/2010 is named "The Rest of Your Life."  It's centered around the 23rd Psalm. 

There's so much richness and meaningfulness in this sermon.  What has stuck with me is a conversation he had with his spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard.  It was a time in his life when the pace of their lives had accelerated tremendously. John asked him what he needs to do to be spiritually healthy and alive and vital. 

Dallas Willard responded with "you must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."  There's nothing else.  Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. 

Hurry is different from Busy.  Busy is an outward condition, of your body. We are each wired with different capacities, to be able to be busy (at different levels of busyness) without being damaged by it. 

To be hurried is a disease of the soul.  To be hurried means that I am internally so preoccupied with my worries and my own little agenda that I become unable to live in the presence of my heavenly Father who loves me, and to be unable to be fully present with, listen and love, and marvel at another person. 

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  Because it will keep you from actually experiencing God's goodness and care for you from one moment to the next.

It's easy to imagine that someday someone or something is going to come along and eliminate this problem from your life.  But they won't! It's up to ME to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

I am listening to this sermon again and again.  And I'm working on figuring out what it means to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. 

Checking in (170.0)

I'm ok. I'm stupidly busy with work and kids this month. My running is
on track--two solid runs during the week and 6 miles this morning. My
house is clean and laundry is done. I'm back to using my SAD light
everyday. Everyone was healthy this week.

My eating could be a lot better though. I'm out of my routine. My
evenings are one long string of "afters." Somedays are better than
others, and I get a good breakfast and lunch in, and I tend not to
indulge at night as much on those days.

I can feel the extra pounds in my clothes and see it on my waist line.
I'm not happy about it. But I'm not beating myself up either. I'm
doing the best I can right now with my crazy life. That's not an
excuse and I'm not giving up. It's just reality.

I actually feel pretty stable emotionally (this week anyway). My SAD
light makes a huge difference.

I do need to shift my mentality away from food as comfort and reward
and back to food as nourishment and fuel. There's the rub. I had a
devil and an angel on my shoulders last night and I heard the angel
voice saying "you don't want to eat this. You don't need it. You don't
need this food for comfort." I ignored it and ate for comfort anyway.

A big part of me knows that if I keep ignoring this voice it will
eventually stop talking to me. It's a quick slide down into the pit
once that happens. And then there's the part of me that rationalizes
and says I've been here before and I can stop when I want to.

That's addiction thinking. I know it is.

I have issues. I am doing the best I can. January's always suck for
me. February is when I started in 2007 to lose weight. I am half way
through January. I think I can make it the rest of the way without
doing too much damage.

January -- at last

I know I know. It's been too long. I've been meaning to post for days. I've not been in a good place. No surprise I guess since my silence here generally means I'm not doing great.

The holidays got me way off kilter. Too much food, not enough time to myself, not enough days in front of my SAD light, too much illness. I wasn't sick but Mark was, for basically a full month. It all takes a toll.

Then Sophie got the stomach flu Saturday and a migraine Sunday that just let up today. She went to school Monday for a couple of hours. I picked her up and the ride in the school wheel chair to my car made her so dizzy she threw up leaning out of my car onto the sidewalk.

Add to that work uncertainty (we are in the midst of making decisions on changing things) and general moodiness from hormones, the moon, or what have you, and it's no wonder I've been off.

So I went to my therapist today. It helped. I'm going back in a month. I also have been in front of my SAD light three days in a row. That helps.

I ran 8 very hard miles last Saturday but hadn't run before or after (until the 2.5 miles I did on the treadmill today). The 8 were hard because you can't run a 10 mile run one Saturday, do nothing all week, and then run 8 miles the next Saturday.

Also, my asthma kicked up big time and I wasn't carrying my inhaler. I haven't needed it during a run this year. Before a run, I always use it (albuteral), but usually only need it with me on long runs. Which in hindsight--duh. 8 miles is a long run. I am going to start carrying it with me again.

The proud news on the running front is I ran 5 miles non stop on the 10 miler and 6 miles non stop on the 8 miler. Not taking walk breaks is a big deal for me. The other good news is I haven't gained a bunch of weight. I was 168.6 yesterday. I didn't weigh today and it is probably a bit more. But I know what I need to do to get going in the right direction again.

A New Year doesn't do much for me. For me, the build up is too much. The expectations too high. The disappointment factor too great. Too hot and then too cold. Too much room for failure.

So I look at January as what it is-- 3 months more until Spring. And the days are already getting longer. I miss the sun and the green and the warmth. I am ready to bloom when March gets here.

 - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone