I haven't weighed myself the past two days. Weekends notwithstanding, this is a record length of time for me not to know, to the .2 pound mark, how much I weigh.
Pokey made a comment on my last post that got me thinking. And MizFit answered my comment (read it all below) on her blog that got me really thinking.
I'm way too hard on myself.
I realize this is not a news flash to you, my bloggy friends. And it's not news to me, either. I just tend to live in denial. A lot.
Wait, there I go. Being hard on myself again.
And I'm thinking 2009 is going to be the Year of Self Love. I don't know how exactly, and I don't have a plan yet. But I know the why's. There are many.
I deserve it. I'm a child of God. He loves me and created me. He made me the way I am. And if He can love me, why shouldn't I love myself?
My children need a mom who cares for herself. Especially my daughter. MizFit's comment struck me like a dagger in the heart. The older I get, the more I look like my mom. And often, act like my mom. And most of the time, I hate it. I love my mom, don't get me wrong. She does more for me and my kids than anyone else on the planet. But she drives me nuts sometimes, with her negative self talk and her nagging worry and her frequent complaints about how she looks. HELLO! Wake up Laura! I am becoming my mother. I certainly don't want my daughter to feel the negative feelings about me in the same ways I do about my mom.
I'd be a lot happier if I wasn't so stinking critical of myself. So what if my butt's a little bigger this month? Nobody probably even notices but me. And my contentedness with my weight and body will surely flow into other aspects of my life.
What would happen if I spent more time on other things I care about, besides what I put in my mouth? The idea of not being constantly obsessed with food & how to burn off the extra calories I consume is so radical, I can't quite get my head around it.
I know there are many more I could come up with.
Is it possible I could take the focus off of gaining/losing/gaining/losing.... and find a happy medium?
To weigh or not to weigh. It's an age old dieter's question that will likely be debated forever. I'm still not sure I can go a week (or longer) without checking my weight. But I'm going to experiment. I'll try not eating at night so I feel better in the morning and hungry for my breakfast, instead of working toward a lower number on a scale. I could lift weights with abandon and get rock hard muscles, and not give a flying fig about how much weight it puts on me. I could even, dare I imagine, use my size 6 jeans as my barometer for how I'm doing in the poundage department.
Perhaps hope & change aren't just going to happen in The White House next year. Maybe they can show up in my house, too.
Pokey's comment on my last post:
And hon...you are still doing great with your weight!! Dont be so hard on yourself. You look great, and feel great (right?) in your skin...so that should be all that matters. I think you need to toss that darn scale of yours.Seriously.
My comment on MizFit's post:
Definitely want to keep my daughter from going through what I did in my teens (overweight, but not obese), yet I am afraid her body is built just like mine & I don’t know how to avoid it. Sigh.
MizFit's response:
ok not much time so this shall be short , but I know this thought isnt one only you have, Laura.
Im gonna tough love you, Sister.
*you* need to find your self love. your body love. your I SO COMFY IN MY SKINSUIT I WANNA SHOUT THIS SH*T FROM THE RAFTERS feeling.
that’s your answer.
she will look to you and emulate you.(I know the peers come into play here—but that’s a different post).
she will watch and see how you respect you body and, in turn, view hers as such.
I think one of the most powerful things I have read is how daughters who do not love themselves so often *do* have parents who praise them and who lavish them with love!
when asked why they still couldnt see their inherent value 99% of the time they responded that they saw their mom not love herself and thought: I AM SO MUCH LIKE MY MOM! I MUST NOT BE WORTHY.
8 comments:
Thank God for MizFit - I adoreth her to no end...
And now she's got me thinking...
Remember when I took that little detour into Intuitive Eating Land? Even though I gained weight during that time I learned so much about accepting my body for the wonderful things it does and is capable of doing. I also learned that I am so much more than a number on the scale, and so are you.
Our daughters deserve a mom who rocks and isn't afraid to own it. YOU RAN A HALF MARATHON - THAT IS MAJOR ROCKAGE! Did your mom do that? No - see there? You're already ahead of the game!
My suggestion (take it or leave it) is to find some websites/books about body acceptance and really soak it in.
You are awesome and the sooner you accept that, the better!
Ive been thinking about you so much. didnt wanna emailemail and just to give you some space.
your post choked me up. all of it but the basic essence of the DESERVING OF LOVE BECAUSE YOU ARE A CHILD OF G-D.
so true. this IS the year.
Miz.
This is a great post, Laura! I've been thinking a lot of the same things lately, and am thinking the same thing about the new year. 2009 is going to be GREAT.
Great post and hopefully 2009 really is the year of self acceptance for you!
FANTASTIC, Laura! You've got a bunch of fantastic stuff going on here...the child of God that he created like this ON PURPOSE...the time for other worthy pursuits...Miz's idea of modeling for your daughter. It makes me think...I always thought I had confidence because my mom told me I could do anything. But I think there's a lot of truth to Miz's theory--my mom modeled that for me. Whatever she put her mind to accomplish, she did.
I think one of the things you're definitely showing your daughter is that you need and enjoy exercise. And maybe that's something you can pass along to her and do things with her (and Luke). One of the books I found was about ways to incorporate exercise and you are one of my role models for how I want to be.
BTW, I think we all open our mouths and our mother's voices escape much to our horror. :-) Thanks for a wonderful post to remind me to be nicer to myself (look at my flair on my facebook...)
I applaud you and your no weigh in. Who needs the scale anyway? :)
On my blog, I'm going to have a whole series of steps toward self-care in 2009.
I think the realization you've had is powerful, Laura. We're all growing all the time, so don't beat yourself up for the present or past---just look to the future. (And do CELEBRATE the past, because you've done awesome things!)
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