153.0 - Hold the Shame

Before I get to today's post, thought I'd update you on the weight/food/exercise front:

*weight--is up because yesterday was a "hormones bottomed out & I feel like death" day. Pizza+ ice cream+Chex mix+cinnamon pita chips=weight gain. At least I can still fit in my size 6 J.Jill slacks I got last week (woohoo!). Squats & running are really starting to lift my behind, which is a nice change from the shape it's been the majority of my life.

*food--other than the above implosion, it's been semi-okay. I've been a complete slacker in tracking my food in WW online, which explains why my weight isn't going down. But I am maintaning under 152 for the most part, which I'm happy with right now. Still got my eyes on 145 by October 12th, though.

*exercise--ran 3.5 miles outside on Wednesday. Average 11:01 min/miles. First mile was fast @ 10:06, but the rest was s-l-o-w because I got way too hot (it was only 85, but a bit humid and sunny and that makes for hot running weather for this little sissy girl) and did the walk/run combo thing. Nothing on Thursday; just couldn't face dragging the kids to the gym. Today, I will run 3 miles and do a weights class after. Mom's got the kiddos this afternoon at my house, so it will just be dragging myself to the gym.

Now, for today's riveting commentary (ha).

Cindy wrote a great post about non-scale victories on her vacation to California. It's some really good stuff, and Cindy has such a grounded (and hard won) approach to life, I love reading her posts.

Something she said triggered a major AHA! moment for me: "Enjoying food. I was never embarrassed about what or how much I ate. I never had that feeling I used to have about eating in front of people - like I should eat less, and avoid the "fattening" stuff."

Eating in front of people used to be a huge area of shame for me. Whether in my job, or with my extended family, or in front of my husband, when I weighed over 200 pounds, every time I ate in front of people I felt like I shouldn't be.

I shouldn't eat anything but lettuce leafs and lemon water in public, that way people will assume I'm doing something about my fat ass. Mostly, though, I ate what I wanted in public and then just felt ashamed afterwards. And then I'd go eat more in private, which is where the bulk of my calories went into my body anyway.

Now that I'm at a normal weight (the BMI table claims that I'm still 4 pounds from "Normal," but screw that--I'm close enough and I'm not calling myself overweight any longer), I don't have that ashamed feeling any more when I eat around others.

And until I read Cindy's post, I didn't even realize it. I hadn't even named that feeling--I'd just lived my overweight life and my normal weight life in ignorance to the whole public eating/private feelings issue.

But after thinking through it and looking back at memorable food situations, I felt a ton of shame--frequently--when I ate around others. No matter what was on my plate, whether eating virtuously (I'll have the salad, hold the dressing) or sinfully (bring me more bread!).

I couldn't escape the fact that my body reflected my food intake, yet the food intake I was really ashamed of wasn't what I was eating at a restaurant table. But what I was eating in the bathroom (gross, I know, but it's the only room in the house where I can lock the door and have some privacy).

Now that I've been at this weight for almost a year, I've still got food issues. Just last night, I ate the last of the ice cream balls I bought "for the kids" in the bathroom--I needed an escape from my nagging children, and even though my daughter banged on the door twice, at least it was locked and I got my ice cream fix, alone, where I needed to be.

But I air my discretion publicly--here--and somehow that removes the shame. And when I eat out with clients, family, or friends, I usually order something healthy, because that's how I roll now, but sometimes I don't and that's okay too. And when there's dessert, I usually eat it and enjoy myself.

I no longer worry that people are judging me. Maybe they still are, who knows. The point is, I don't care anymore, because I'm no longer judging myself. I've left the shame in the dust. I'll eat a salad for lunch. I'll run off that ice cream today. I'll lift weights this afternoon and build calorie-burning muscle.

And if I want a decadent meal while dining out, bring it on. But hold the shame, please. It's no longer on the menu.