153.6 - Get me off this ride, please

Some of You may know me well enough by now to know I have up and down moods that can be quite pronounced. My life is a roller coaster most weeks.

Monday was a going up the hill day--felt great, loved the excitement and anticipation of the fun to come. Yesterday was a going down hill day, but not in the fun way. More in the "I'm falling falling falling and I'm gonna go splat."

I did okay at work, but then as I was changing to go to the gym, I started feeling weird. Like when I had high blood pressure at the end of both my pregnancies. I couldn't catch my breath and I felt really revved and charged up. So I figured it would be prudent to go check my blood pressure. I learned back when I had pregnancy hypertension that you can have a stroke from high blood pressure. It's nothing to mess around with.

So I went to Walgreens, thinking they had a doityourself cuff. No such luck. I got back in the car and drove to Target, which I knew had one. I got in the store around 4:30 and had been rushing to get there, so my first reading I expected to be high, regardless. It was 143/87. Not great, but not a life threatening 2nd number (systolic? diastolic? I can't remember which is which). I waited a minute, took it again, and the top number came down into the upper 130s.

I walked around and shopped for about 10 minutes, then went to check it again. It was down to 124/82. My heart rate was 67. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to the check out line. I'm not ready for medication yet. The top number being high could have caused me to be feeling breathless and strange, I suppose. Who knows. I'll keep my eye on it.

Anywhoo, the plan then was to get the kids, take them to the gym's day care, and run for 30ish minutes. Unfortunately, the weather chose that moment to change--a cold front came through and brought 70 mph winds, rain, hail, and tornado warnings. As I was driving through McD's to get the kids' their dinner, my mom called me on my cell and said there were tornado warnings and I better get home where it's safe. Okay, I said, so much for the gym.

As I lowered the garage door, the wind and rain/hail hit. It was really bad, but not as bad at our house as it was in other parts of the city and state. I heard this morning on the radio that two people died. An elementary school on the south side of town was damaged so badly it had to close today. Roofs were torn off in nearby Illinois. We were lucky the only thing we suffered was a missed gym date and eating our dinner in the hallway (we don't have a basement, so it's the "inner walls" near the water pipes for us).

Along with the barometric pressure, my mood continued to drop to the floor. I felt crappy and crabby and my dinner consisted of Entemann's blueberry muffins (2 packages) and the rest of the pint of Vanilla Bean Haagen Dazs. I figure it was about 1100 calories. Oh, and I ate about half of Luke's french fries from his Happy Meal. With the high calorie chicken salad I ate at lunch, I estimate my day was around 2800 calories. With no workout. Ouch.

This high calorie day in and of itself is not the end of the world. I've got some water weight gain today. It will come off with healthy eating and a workout this afternoon. So intellectually, I know it's okay.

What really got me last night was the sight of my butt in my workout pants as I walked past our bedroom mirror. I swear, from last Friday's step class to last night, I felt like I'd gained 20 pounds. Is my ass really still that big? Holy saddle bags, Batman. Those are scary to behold.

You all know the pose--stand with your back to the full length mirror and a hold a small one in your hand. Check out the back side. Cringe, cry, swear you'll start saving up for liposuction.

And this morning wasn't any better. I feel like a fat cow. I hate this. Even though I've lost all that weight, it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm still fat and I still need to lose the butt and the belly. My fat head is winning right now.

Guys, seriously, I am not looking for compliments. I know it is ridiculous to be whining about this, when last year at this time I still hadn't even started to lose weight and was nearing my heaviest, well over 200 pounds, stuffing my face with powdered sugar donuts every single day.

It just absolutely freaking sucks that I cannot wrap my head around where I want to be with my weight right now. Two months ago I was determined I would get the rest of the weight off (ala my Pretty Woman post). Last week I was totally fine with maintaining and feeling good about what I've accomplished. Today I'm convinced I look awful and need to lose at least another 10 pounds, and really more like 15.

What the hell is wrong with me? Stayed tuned. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be Miss Mary Sunshine again. Unless I check myself into a mental hospital first, because I'm surely close to being certifiably crazy.