Acceptance

It's difficult to accept that I can't eat sugar. Ever.

Giving up chocolate is probably the hardest part right now.

Not having pumpkin pie or birthday cake or ice cream--ever--is more
than I can wrap my head around.

Yet I keep thinking of the alcoholic that quits drinking and thinks
the same thing. I can't have alcohol--ever.

Comparing my sugar addiction to alcoholism is, no pun intended,
sobering. My addiction is no less significant. No less painful to
conquer. My pain is real.

I'm in mourning for the loss of sugar. And in doubt as to whether I
can do this for the rest of my life.

That's where the AA tenants come in. I simply can't worry about the
rest of my life. I can only take on today. And I need to practice
living each day through the serenity prayer.

Still, it messes with my head-- "I can never have _______ again."

I'm starting a grateful list today. Writing down 10 things I'm
grateful for every day. I will include the reasons I'm grateful for
sugar free living. I hope they will help me focus on acceptance.

Eventually I'll get to acceptance and abundance. But right now, this
mourning process has me feeling the loss of what I'm giving up.
*****
I weighed today and I'm back to 168.8. I didn't weigh when I was at my
height of binging a couple weeks ago. My guess is I was a good 5
pounds heavier. While weight loss isn't the focus right now--Karly
advises against focusing on weight loss as you may over eat non sugar
foods in the beginning--it will hopefully be a benefit of giving up
sugar.

Devotional reading

I read this just now in my devotional book I have at my desk at work.  It spoke to me today, and I wanted to share. 

O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.

Pressure me that I may grow more human,

not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them...

Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly,
and my needs honestly.

Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them and they in me.

Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations

that divert me from the small, glad gifts

of the now and the here and the me.

Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,

until I can laugh at last

through my common frailties and failures,

laugh my way toward becoming whole.

--Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace


Therapy appointment scheduled for Monday, 4/2.  Acupunture scheduled for Friday, 3/30.

Day 6

Lots more energy. Physical cravings are gone. Emotional and habitual
cravings are still very much an issue.

But I can identify them when they happen and name them for what they are.

After lunch and dinner I still crave a sweet. I have been eating
strawberries or an apple and drinking hot tea.

Chocolate is ever present in my mind. I was eating a lot of it before
I started this. So it's not surprising. The chocolate thoughts come
when I used to eat it-- mid afternoon, after work, before bed.
Habitual thinking I have to reprogram.

I also have snacks the kids like but I don't. I threw out the Hersey
bars. Chips ahoy are gone too.

My before bed routine has to change. I can't put the kids to bed then
sit on the couch. That is a minefield of bad habits. So tonight I sat
in my front room while listening to music and painting my nails. So no
food issues to get sucked into.

It's hard. Breaking bad habits is a bitch.

My mantra is "sugar makes me crazy. I can't be crazy." And also, "I
just have to get through today. I can get through today (or the next
hour or the next 20 minutes)."

Day 5 detox from sugar

I'm still hanging in there.

Day 3 was brutal. I actually took Monday off from work. I felt like I
had a case of mild flu most of the day. By the afternoon I was better.

Yesterday was not as difficult. Last night I had tons of energy.

Today I'm awake at 5:30. So I am on an up trend now.

Cravings have been light and stemming more from routine than anything.
Like eating hot tamales from the candy dish when I get home from work
(dish is gone now). Having some chocolate after lunch and dinner.
Eating cookies before bed.

There are a lot of foods I am mourning. I miss chocolate the most.

I just keep repeating in my head what Karly writes--I can't eat sugar.
Ever. Sugar makes me crazy.

Not--sugar makes me fat. Crazy.

I don't want to be fat, but I can live as an overweight middle aged
wife and mom. And I don't hurt anyone but myself.

I can't live life crazy. Or angry. Or passed out from a binge. That
hurts the people I love most.

So it's going well. I am hopeful for more good stuff ahead. And
hopefully will have enough time and energy to start working out again
this week.

Day 2 sugar detox

I guess I'm doing this right because I feel like crap.

Actually it does feel good not to be a slave to sugar right now.
Yesterday was pretty great. I knew days 2-4 would be the hardest. And
while I was fine this morning, by late afternoon today I could feel
the chemical shift in my brain and body.

"To get out you must go through." I read that quote yesterday either
in Karly's book or Vickie's blog or somewhere. My detoxing brain can't
remember and after a 5 minute search gives up.

At any rate, I can't get out of the sugar without first going through detox.

I wish I was in a fancy detox spa. But I'm not. Real life is my only
way through.

In her book Karly says to detox during a non stressful time. Which I
agree with and wish I could adhere to.

But I don't know that I'll ever have a non stressful time in my life.
Heck, compared to when my dad was sick, this IS a non stressful time.

And honestly, the alternative--giving my life over to sugar addiction
and all the misery that goes with it--isn't an option and won't make
me feel any better. So I guess it's all good.

I am camped out in my relaxing front room reading more of her book.
I'm not craving sugar, which is a relief.

I just feel like I got hit by a truck.

Being in the sugar is too hard

I've been playing this mind game over the past few weeks about how I'm
going to get through the work and stress.

I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.

Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.

I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.

This is of course addict behavior.

I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.

I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.

I felt ashamed and out of control.

It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.

So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.

I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.

It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
life giving.

I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.

I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.

It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.

I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.

The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.

It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.

Good things ahead (168.8)

I am swamped so this is a quick update.

We are joining another practice on April 18th.  There are three advisers in their mid 30s, each with 8-10 years experience.  They are sharp and successful and family oriented, and everything we have been looking for in a team. There are four other support staff; I will be the 5th.  It's going to be a great move for us, our family, our clients, and for the practice we are joining.  Win win win all around.

We are meeting with clients like mad, doing annual reviews and sharing the news.  We (I) also have a ton of work to do to transition our business. I am starting to work weekends as of tomorrow, for as long as it takes.

Oh, and the other broker fired his new assistant on Monday.  He has a woman who's a friend helping him out now, and she's really bright but has no financial experience.  So far they haven't bothered me much.  But it's just one more unstable element in my daily life.  Things at work and around him are getting worse, not better, and I cannot wait to be free of this place.

I ran once this week, lifted weights once this week, am going to a boot camp thing with one of the girls I ran with in Florida on Saturday morning.  So I'm keeping fairly active.

My food during the day is fine. My night time eating is awful.  Lots of afters going on.

So, I've got issues. But I'm too busy to deal with them effectively. 

The good news is I feel okay, not depressed.  The sunlight and longer days help a lot.  My kids and husband are doing well.  Lots of good stuff.  Just a bit overwhelming. 

I will update more when I can. 

Princess Half Marathon (170.6)

My Disney Princess was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty--hence the pink/blue theme, as in "make it pink! make it blue" that the fairies do as they fight over the color of her dress.  I also have a temporary Aurora tattoo on my left arm. 



So the race was great.  6 days away from home was way too long.  I am glad I did it, but I likely won't do a race that far away and for that long again. 

I finished right at 3 hours by my Garmin.  That was my goal.  This is the heaviest I've ever run a half marathon.  I am slower the more I weigh.  So a fast time wasn't my goal, but running the whole thing was.  Which I did.  I only walked water stations and for two Gu's.  I ran the entire rest of the race.  Even the on ramps, which were hilly, banked, and long.  I did not run fast--around 13:30/ mile.  But I ran and never stopped to just walk.

Nothing wrong with walking--I have done it in every race I've ever run.  But this was a new goal for me and I did it.

The six women I travelled with were wonderful, with the exception of one friend who I knew was going to be an issue but didn't realize how bad it would be.  She did not train for this race.  Her longest run was 6 miles and that was last October.  She has the martyr thing going on, and it is BAD.  As in, "I was going to call you ladies at mile 9 when I figured you were all finished and it started raining and tell you to just go back to the hotel and not wait for me" or "I will stay at the hotel and not go to our special fancy dinner if so and so needs such and such" or "Do you want me to pull your suitcase for you?"--asked half a dozen times.

On the 2nd day there, she talked with her husband and got mad at how he'd handled an issue with their 13 year old daughter.  We were all in a shop in the Magic Kingdom and she's crying and walking around to each of us, saying she's going to leave her husband when she gets home, and that she is going to fly home that night.

Everyone else was already fed up with her, too.  I did fine the entire trip, biting my tongue and nodding or just ignoring her.

Until last night on the 3 hour drive home (which was after we'd flown from Orlando to Indianapolis). Right before we get to my house, she starts talking about the race and how her husband sabotaged her training and she just gave up.  Then she asks me point blank, "do you understand now why I said I was going to leave him?" 

And I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore.

I said no.  I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around having a husband you have to ask permission to take care of yourself.  I can't wrap my head around asking your 13 year old daughter if it's okay if you go to the gym. I can't wrap my head around ANY PART of the way you live your life.

I didn't say any of that.  I said no, I don't understand.  And I said she needs to watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" or read the book, and see what happens when a wife takes care of herself and doesn't depend on her family to make her happy.  I said she has to work on herself first, and not expect to change her husband. 

What she took away from my lecture (and it was a lecture--I know, I blew my "people just want to be heard" attitude, big time) was "I guess I'm just a bad mom and wife."  And she pulled out her phone and started texting and crying and wouldn't even look at me.

My last words to her were that she was too good a mom and wife and she was a horrible friend to herself.  And that if all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her and not share an opinion about what could make her life better, she shouldn't bring that kind of stuff up anymore.  She ignored me.  She probably won't talk to me again for a long time, if ever.

Which, frankly, is fine with me.

I just don't have it in me to be around a martyr whose every conversation--seriously, every one--is a desperate cry to be needed or, alternatively, to be cared for.  She sucked the life out of me. 

And it wasn't just me.  There were two other girls there who I connect with very strongly, who said the exact same thing. 

The good news is that I recognized what I did, even though I didn't stop myself during the process.  I have pretty much let it go--except I needed to vent here.  And I'm not upset, I'm not apologizing to her, I'm not seeking to mend the friendship or whatever.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. This is a top of my head ramble before I go pick up kids. I have a ton of stuff to do to get caught up from the trip. I got home last night at 10:30 pm and was at work at 10 am. 

At least I didn't gain a ton of weight while I was gone.  I'm still really bloated from travel.  It's almost spring.  I have killer strong calves from the 20+ miles I moved my legs the past several days (we did the parks twice, all day long--lots of miles).  And I can't wait to move my body, get healthy, and get into summer shape.

In Orlando

Just arrived in Florida for the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I'll
report more as I have time and when I get back.

Long, dark tunnel

There is a light at the end, but it seems so far off.

My work environment has become unbearable.  I won't go into details, because they are long and boring and many other people have it worse that me.  Everyday I enter our office I am weighed down and am miserable almost all day.  The insanity of the situation--the idiocy and the ignorance and the arrogance and the work load on ME that has nothing to do with me or our clients--is too much for me to bear. 

I sometimes handle it with grace, but more often than not my frustration shows.  I am pushing it all down, just so I can get through the day. 

Which means, of course, it comes bubbling out at home in the form of a binge.

I want to cry every day during the day, but I can't because I'd walk around looking like a raccoon from my ruined eye makeup.  At night I have to keep it together for the kids' sake.  When it's bed time I'm so fried I can't do anything but watch TV or read.  And eat.

The good news is this-- we are leaving to join another firm on April 18th.  It's an incredibly exciting and big-step-up opportunity.  The group of three financial advisors we are joining is exactly what we've been hoping for.  We will have back up, we will have support, we will have an "out" if the unthinkable happens to Mark or me.  And we are joining a stable, successful environment of young, brilliant men.  And four women assistants.

Between now and then, though, I have a butt load of work to do.  And a lot of stress to deal with.

I told Mark last night I feel like I'm on the verge of self destruction. I don't want to self destruct.  I need to keep my weight stable, and preferably at least around 165, so I can survive all this without blowing up to a size 16 or 18 again. 

Mark is doing really well with his health, both physically and emotionally. He's been working hard.  I am going to start leaning on him to support me so I don't lose it. It's in his best interest to help me, and he knows it and is willing to help.

My routines have been crappy, and I've not been helping myself at all.  While I am still running, because I have the race next week (next week! I'll be in Florida away from all this for six days!!), 15 miles a week can't make up for all the crap I'm putting in my body.

This morning, after talking to Mark last night about how bad it is and what I need to do to change, I got up at 4:50 am (I had been up since 4 am anyway, because Luke woke up with a bad dream) and was at work by 8 am.  I am going to the gym on my lunch hour today.  I don't normally even leave the office because I get here at 9:30 or 10 and work through till 4 or 4:30.  That's not healthy for me anymore.

I've worked out a schedule for weeknights that I hope Mark can support--with him picking up kids two nights a week so I can go to yoga and weights class.

If I can work out the emotional crap in the gym, then I know the food will take care of itself.  I know what to do; I just need the emotional energy to do it.

Busy busy busy busy busy (167.8)

I am still doing OK. 

But I am swamped, with work & personal stuff.

Work--busy time of year before tax season.  We are also working on big picture business stuff that is and will be keeping me particularly busy in the near future.  But it's all good stuff.  I can get into specifics in a month or so.

Personal--both kids are in their school's variety show this Saturday.  I am the leader of both their groups.  Which means I've been in charge of their rehearsals and all the parent communications (texts & emails), which has taken a lot of time. Luke's kindergarten group has 13 kids; they are singing the Oakridge Boys "Elvira" and it's adorable.  Sophie's group has 6 girls & 2 boys; they are singing "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music.  That group was more difficult to keep focused than the Kindergartners.

I'm also running a half marathon in Disney World in 20 days.  Less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in Florida without my husband or kids. I'm both excited and sad.  I will miss my family so much. And I'm sure I'll worry how they will survive without me.  But they will.  And I will have a blast.  We leave on Wednesday 2/22 and get home on Monday 2/27.  The race is Sunday.

My eating has sucked at night. I don't believe the scale right now.  It feels like I weigh more than that.  I know that I am just pushing down all my emotions and worries and concerns and craziness. 

I AM doing really well on many levels--I'm more stable since increasing my meds and using my SAD light on a regular basis.  I'm in a great place spiritually, and working on leaving my ego at the door and treating everyone I meet with respect.

It is not an easy thing to examine yourself and find that there is a lot inside you that comes out in your behavior in a negative and ugly way.  I am working on being humble and not such a know it all.  I am working on being less narcissistic.  I am working on being patient and less defensive and keeping my mouth shut more. 

It's hard work, and I often fail. But I keep working at it.

And I refuse to use the word TRY.  Try is an excuse to fail.  I am not successful every day, but I keep moving forward and I am not giving myself an excuse to fail.

That's where I need to get with my food issues. I need to step away from "try" and start working on it every single moment of every single day.

That is a difficult thing for me to do when (a) food has always been my "backup" in trying and difficult times (and even good stress is still stress) and (b) I simply don't have the mental energy to work on one more thing.

It's a big thing, yes.  It's a lifelong thing, yes.  It's a daily battle that I have not thrown up my hands and said "that's it, I quit" and then go face dive into a box of little powdered donuts, a.k.a. my nemesis.

At least January is FINALLY over.  I love putting things on my calendar for March and April. 

I'm doing better (167.0)

Using the SAD light consistently seems to be key in keeping me sane.
My meds are also increased slightly which is hopefully helping. Online
sermons from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church are literally a God send
for me. As is my quiet time with my Bible in the morning.

It's still been a rough week though. I'm crazy busy and so is Mark. I
cry almost every morning but that's really not a bad thing. I'm not
crying at night anyway.

I'm eating better, more deliberately, less junk. It's showing in the
scale and my clothes. I ran twice this week; doing 9 miles Saturday.
My half marathon is 30 days away.

We are all healthy (whispered and knocking wood--there's a lot of
sickness going around).

I am too busy to write anything other than a quick update though. But
I have lots of thoughts on eliminating hurry, on what true rest means
for me, and on how relying on money or food to soothe the void when
pain comes is a symptom of self sufficiency instead of living with
God's grace. So hopefully I'll have time soon to actually put some
thoughts to paper.

As it is, I'm typing this on my iPhone right before bed. Which is
better than nothing.

Back to the psych (170.0) and "hurry"

My moods have been cycling a bit lately.  I thought it was just missing days on my SAD light or hormones.  And maybe in part it is.  But the past week I've been using my SAD light regularly and I've still had weird days.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling on top of the world--and like I was going to get myself on track and lose weight and get back into great shape.  By the end of the day, I was back in the pit. 

Then Wednesday I woke up in the pit, but ended the day feeling really great, only to have the air let out of me when I got home because of a conversation with my husband. And I was back in the pit.  I went running last night and that helped alleviate some stress, but I stayed pretty much in the pit the rest of the night. 

This morning I realized that it's not just been the past two days I've been "cycling" through this stuff.  So I called my therapist's office and made an appointment for tomorrow to see the nurse practitioner and get my meds increased.  I'm on a very low dose of my mood stabilizer and there is plenty of room to increase it.

So onto the "hurry" part.  I am listening to Menlo Park Presbyterian podcasts (LOVE John Ortberg--thanks to Debby for introducing me to him a few years ago).  The one from 6/1/2010 is named "The Rest of Your Life."  It's centered around the 23rd Psalm. 

There's so much richness and meaningfulness in this sermon.  What has stuck with me is a conversation he had with his spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard.  It was a time in his life when the pace of their lives had accelerated tremendously. John asked him what he needs to do to be spiritually healthy and alive and vital. 

Dallas Willard responded with "you must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."  There's nothing else.  Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. 

Hurry is different from Busy.  Busy is an outward condition, of your body. We are each wired with different capacities, to be able to be busy (at different levels of busyness) without being damaged by it. 

To be hurried is a disease of the soul.  To be hurried means that I am internally so preoccupied with my worries and my own little agenda that I become unable to live in the presence of my heavenly Father who loves me, and to be unable to be fully present with, listen and love, and marvel at another person. 

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  Because it will keep you from actually experiencing God's goodness and care for you from one moment to the next.

It's easy to imagine that someday someone or something is going to come along and eliminate this problem from your life.  But they won't! It's up to ME to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

I am listening to this sermon again and again.  And I'm working on figuring out what it means to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. 

Checking in (170.0)

I'm ok. I'm stupidly busy with work and kids this month. My running is
on track--two solid runs during the week and 6 miles this morning. My
house is clean and laundry is done. I'm back to using my SAD light
everyday. Everyone was healthy this week.

My eating could be a lot better though. I'm out of my routine. My
evenings are one long string of "afters." Somedays are better than
others, and I get a good breakfast and lunch in, and I tend not to
indulge at night as much on those days.

I can feel the extra pounds in my clothes and see it on my waist line.
I'm not happy about it. But I'm not beating myself up either. I'm
doing the best I can right now with my crazy life. That's not an
excuse and I'm not giving up. It's just reality.

I actually feel pretty stable emotionally (this week anyway). My SAD
light makes a huge difference.

I do need to shift my mentality away from food as comfort and reward
and back to food as nourishment and fuel. There's the rub. I had a
devil and an angel on my shoulders last night and I heard the angel
voice saying "you don't want to eat this. You don't need it. You don't
need this food for comfort." I ignored it and ate for comfort anyway.

A big part of me knows that if I keep ignoring this voice it will
eventually stop talking to me. It's a quick slide down into the pit
once that happens. And then there's the part of me that rationalizes
and says I've been here before and I can stop when I want to.

That's addiction thinking. I know it is.

I have issues. I am doing the best I can. January's always suck for
me. February is when I started in 2007 to lose weight. I am half way
through January. I think I can make it the rest of the way without
doing too much damage.

January -- at last

I know I know. It's been too long. I've been meaning to post for days. I've not been in a good place. No surprise I guess since my silence here generally means I'm not doing great.

The holidays got me way off kilter. Too much food, not enough time to myself, not enough days in front of my SAD light, too much illness. I wasn't sick but Mark was, for basically a full month. It all takes a toll.

Then Sophie got the stomach flu Saturday and a migraine Sunday that just let up today. She went to school Monday for a couple of hours. I picked her up and the ride in the school wheel chair to my car made her so dizzy she threw up leaning out of my car onto the sidewalk.

Add to that work uncertainty (we are in the midst of making decisions on changing things) and general moodiness from hormones, the moon, or what have you, and it's no wonder I've been off.

So I went to my therapist today. It helped. I'm going back in a month. I also have been in front of my SAD light three days in a row. That helps.

I ran 8 very hard miles last Saturday but hadn't run before or after (until the 2.5 miles I did on the treadmill today). The 8 were hard because you can't run a 10 mile run one Saturday, do nothing all week, and then run 8 miles the next Saturday.

Also, my asthma kicked up big time and I wasn't carrying my inhaler. I haven't needed it during a run this year. Before a run, I always use it (albuteral), but usually only need it with me on long runs. Which in hindsight--duh. 8 miles is a long run. I am going to start carrying it with me again.

The proud news on the running front is I ran 5 miles non stop on the 10 miler and 6 miles non stop on the 8 miler. Not taking walk breaks is a big deal for me. The other good news is I haven't gained a bunch of weight. I was 168.6 yesterday. I didn't weigh today and it is probably a bit more. But I know what I need to do to get going in the right direction again.

A New Year doesn't do much for me. For me, the build up is too much. The expectations too high. The disappointment factor too great. Too hot and then too cold. Too much room for failure.

So I look at January as what it is-- 3 months more until Spring. And the days are already getting longer. I miss the sun and the green and the warmth. I am ready to bloom when March gets here.

 - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Your habits will always defeat your willpower (170.8)

First, Merry Christmas to all!

Second, that's 4 pounds of bonified cookie weight. Ahh, the holidays.

Third, I just finished running 10 miles. Woot!

I wanted to quickly post this before it got away from me. I'm listening to an online sermon from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in California (by John Ortberg). The sermon is about healing.

A key point from the sermon is: your will habits will always defeat your willpower. You might be able to overcome your habits for an hour or a day or a week, but ultimately your habits will win.

Your only hope is for a new set of habits.

Wow. This is so incredibly huge for weight loss and fitness. I will be noodling on this and keeping it in the front if my mind as I go into the new year.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Christmas! (167.6)

Still crazy. Still swamped. I've been up and down emotionally the past couple of weeks, depending on the cycle of the moon, on my hormones, and on my SAD light usage/non-usage.

We were in Nashville over the weekend. It was fun and happy but with the usual stress that comes from traveling and staying in a hotel.

I'm taking this week off from work, but I'm still doing some work stuff. It just can't be helped.

Today is a good day. Very busy but I feel ok. I'm mailing almost 200 Christmas cards today. I'm also getting my hair done and stuffing and licking envelopes while my color processes. My mom has the kids tonight, so I'm wrapping everything tonight.

Just like you all, I'm swamped with Christmas stuff. I'm not getting much running in, but I ran 8 miles the weekend before last and am running 10 miles this weekend. Planning on running at least twice this week.

Work is still unpleasant. The new girl is nice, slowly catching on. The other broker is driving me nuts. It's nice to have a week away from him.

So that's the status. I am looking forward to slowing down and appreciating the Reason for the Season, and enjoying my family.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Crazy (166.4)

Too much going on at work to post this week. At home I'm too fried to think to post at night. So writing a quick one before work.

I've run twice this week, am eating ok but have slipped up at night, and am keeping my weight down. But, I am a ball of stress and nerves because of all I have going in at work and with kids and with the holidays.

Doesn't help that I have pms and the moon is on its full cycle, which I truly believe, now that I'm paying attention, influences my moods.

Mostly I'm just tired of all the responsibility at work. The new girl has no experience, is very nice and I like her, but it will take a long time for her to get up to speed. I have no control over that situation.

Mark has basically been sick for 2 weeks--with a brief wellness period on the weekend--and that's put a lot on me as well.

Top it off with Christmas chaos and I'm going a bit crazy.

I'm taking the week before Christmas off work. It will be a push to get it all done next week. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for checking on me, Vickie.

Haven't had a chance to answer your comment on my last post on 20 pounds. I want to get back into my size 8s which means 149-152 lbs. I want to be in the 145-148 range as my "final" goal. Final as in, see how possible it is to maintain that weight long term. I looked great at that weight and ran a Half marathon at a fast for me pace. So that's another 20 pounds to lose.

Now that I'm home, I am also feeling the loss of these 20 pounds. I can run 11:15 minute miles now without walking. My clothes are loose. I'm in 34D bras. As long as I'm not hanging out with size 0s, I feel good about how I look.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

20 pounds

Today I weighed 166.8, which is 20 pounds lost from my high this year.

My mom saw me this morning when she brought the kids home and her jaw dropped. You're so thin, she said. How'd that happen all of the sudden?

I said it didn't happen all of a sudden. I've been working on it since July. It's just now showing. It takes 20 pounds for anyone else to notice.

It was not an encouraging reaction from her. At least I didn't take it that way. Which is no surprise. I am processing how I react to that type of reaction. Right now I'm working on making it a neutral response.

It is what it is. I do not have to internalize it negatively. I can go about my day in a healthy way and let any weird feelings go on their way. They do not need to stick around in my head.

Busy but fun day planned with our family, just the four of us. Putting up the Tree. Watching Christmas movies. Drinking hot chocolate. Running 5 miles this afternoon. Well, I'm running. The kids aren't.

And playing with my new iPhone. Bye bye blackberry!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Done with the plateau (168.2)

Thanksgiving was fun but exhausting.  I didn't eat as healthfully as I'd like, but I kept the quantities in check.  I also ran twice--Thursday 4.2 miles and Saturday 6.5 miles. 

I really FELT my extra 20 pounds this weekend.  I was surrounded by thin women.  I'm talking size 0s & 2s.  No matter how stupid and counterproductive and harmful it is to compare myself to other women, I still do it.  I think it's coded into my DNA.

At any rate, yesterday I weighed 170.2 and decided to be finished with this plateau.  I started tracking my calories on an Apple app called "Lose It."  I've used it before, so it has a lot of foods already recorded for me.  I'm on the 1 pound a week plan, which gives me a budget of 1,587 calories a day.  It deducts exercise like most programs do.

I'm not going to get hung up on eating exactly 1,587 calories a day.  I want to stay in that range.  Some days I'll eat more; some days I'll eat less.  Some days I'll eat the exercise calories, and some days (like yesterday, when I was under a net 235 calories b/c I ran 3 miles) I won't. 

What I did learn yesterday is why I've been in this plateau for so long.  Because I've been eating too much.

This is no big revelation.  I've been eating healthy foods but still eating for comfort, especially at night.  I've been eating exactly what my body needs to stay in the 168-170 range. 

And that's been fine and what I needed for the past few months.  Now, though, I'm ready to be done and move on.

I am not looking at December and thinking "oh hell, it's the holidays and there's no way I can stick to a diet now.  I will just start in January."  That path leads to a 10 pound gain, and I refuse to go there. 

I have a goal of being under 160 and in size 10s by my race at the end of February.  It's a goal, not a line in the sand.  I just need something to work toward.

***
The other broker hired a new assistant last week.  I like her.  She's here on a conditional basis; trying her out for 30 days before he hires her officially (he found her through an employment agency).  She's young and has 2 kids and is recently divorced and has a lot of personal issues that may cause problems with her being reliable.  But she also really needs a job.  So, time will tell. 

I am overwhelmed with the amount of work and activities we have going on.  December is insane.  I am so thankful I have my running plan and running buddies in town to keep me running.  I'm also glad I have gotten into the habit of getting up early, doing my SAD light and Bible reading, getting to work earlier, working out at lunch 3 days a week, getting to bed by 10:30.  All those pieces have to stay in place or I will lose it.  I am making sure I take care of myself, so I don't lose it. 

Happy Thanksgiving

We're in Indianapolis for Thanksgiving with Mark's family.  We got in last night around 10 pm our time (11 pm Indy time).  I was awake this morning at 5:30 our time, probably because my body clock is set to that time, and also because I just don't sleep well the first night in a hotel (even with my sleep meds).

Rather than fighting it, I got up, went downstairs to the breakfast area, had as healthy a breakfast as possible, and now getting ready to go running with Kate & her friend Jen.  We are doing 4 miles this morning.  That will burn about 400-450 calories--which just about equals a slice of pumpkin pie.

Family dinner is late afternoon.  I can't wait.  I love Mark's family & the time we get to spend with them.  His brother & niece (with her fiance) and nephew flew in from Colorado.  It's the first Thanksgiving in his sister's new house (she & my BIL moved from Evansville to Indy this year). 

My goal for Thanksgiving weekend is to not gain weight, to maintain at 168ish (Tuesday I was 168.6).  I'm sure there will be water weight to lose the first few days home, but by the middle of next week I want the scale to read in the 168s.  Then, seriously, I want the darn thing to start moving down again.

Goals need a plan, so here's my plan:  I'm running today, I'm running 6.5 miles tomorrow or Saturday, and I'm running Sunday morning.  I'm going to focus on relationships and conversations and relaxing at dinner, and not be obsessed about eating a piece of every dessert offered (I could skip all the dinner fixings & go right to the sugar, as I'm sure you're not surprised).  I know I can't exercise off bad food choices, but I can run so I feel healthy and energized.  Nothing keeps me focused on being healthy like a long run. 

I brought my hot tea fixings with me to the hotel for my night time relaxation hit, which is what I've been doing at home.  I have apples and raw cashews in the hotel for snacks.  Travel food is tough. I'm going to do the best I can. 

I hope you all have had a wonderful time this Thanksgiving with the people you love. 

I'll leave you with this picture that I got from a blogger/Facebook friend.  I really have to find this t-shirt. It is my new motto:

Success begets success (168.2)

When my daughter was a baby, a friend of mine gave me a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.  One of the most important things I learned about babies and sleep is this:  sleep begets sleep. 

It seems counter intuitive--shouldn't a baby or child sleep better or more if she's tired?  As it turns out, no.  The more well rested a baby is, the easier she falls asleep and the better she stays asleep.

I thought of this "sleep begets sleep" lesson yesterday, and applied it to weight loss.  Success begets success.

You'd think that being 20 pounds overweight, tired, out of shape, and unhappy would be all the motivation I'd need to get moving.  And, don't get me wrong, those things ARE motivating.  But sometimes, in the muck and mire of obesity, it feels impossible to overcome the desire to throw up my hands and say "what the hell, I'm this fat already, what's the difference if I eat junk food or skip my workout today?  I'll start tomorrow." 

Now that I have lost almost 20 pounds and have been working out regularly for a couple of months... And now that I can feel and see muscles in my quads and calves and shoulders and biceps and triceps... And now that I can run a 10 min mile for half a mile and a 9 min mile for a couple tenths of a mile...  I have the kind of motivation that doesn't wait for tomorrow. 

Now my motivation is based in success.  It's not based in hopelessness any longer.

I keep moving and eating breakfast and cutting back on sugar because I want to be better.  I want to be stronger.  I want to run faster.

Yes, I want to look better and wear smaller, cuter clothes.  But honestly, that's not the core of WHY I'm doing what I'm doing now. 

I want to hold onto this feeling of success.  I want the fat to come off my body so I can see the cut of my muscles under my skin.  They are MY muscles--I'm earning every ounce of them.  I am proud of them and I don't want them buried under a layer of fat. 

I want to weigh less so I can run faster.  I'm only in competition with myself.  I want to run as fast as I did in 2008, when I finished a half marathon in 2:15:42 (the printout of my race results are on my cubicle wall, where they've been since October 14, 2008).  I want to run even faster than that someday.  I want to run a full marathon in the near future.  Running is possible at this weight, and I do it well and (knock wood) without injury.  But I can run better when I carry less weight around.  Watch the next to last episode of any of the recent Biggest Loser seasons and you'll know exactly what I mean.

It may seem counter intuitive that becoming and feeling fit and healthy are more motivating than being overweight and out of shape.  But it's not. 

It has taken a long time for me to get here, but I feel like I've crossed the tipping point into "success begets success" territory.  I'm fighting hard to stay here.

Christmas in November (168.4)

I'm swamped at work and at home.  The busy time of year has begun.

We put up the Christmas decorations this past Saturday--everything but the tree.  The weekends are crazy full from now until the end of the year, and it was either start Christmas in November or only put up the tree and no other decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving. 

We spent 5 hours getting everything out & decorated & then cleaned up.  I brought in the stuff from the garage, Sophie & Luke unloaded all the bins, I decorated the fireplace mantel, and Sophie decorated everything else.  We decorated the family room/kitchen and the dining room. 

We listened to Christmas music and watched Christmas movies.  It was relaxing and fun.  There was no pressure, no hurry, no stress.  Usually if I do everything in one weekend or sometimes even in one day, it's no fun for anyone because it's just too overwhelming.  And some years, I just do the tree because I'm not up for the work involved to do it all.

I've never decorated for Christmas this way before, since I generally dislike decorations going up before Thanksgiving.  But it actually put me in a better spirit about the holidays.  I don't feel so curmudgeonly about the decorations in the stores or the commercials on TV. 

And putting up the tree will be fun and relaxing and a family event.  The way it's supposed to be.

***
I had a good weekend, food and exercise wise.  I ran 3 miles on Friday after work and 5 miles on Saturday morning.  My food wasn't perfect, but it was acceptable and I didn't gain weight over the weekend.

I was a bundle of stress yesterday, and after work I got on the treadmill for 40 minutes.  I mostly walked, because I don't want to overdo the running miles and stress out my knees.  It was just what I needed to calm my nerves and keep me from raiding the cookies. 

Today will be 3 miles of running at the gym.  I'm in Week 4 of my half marathon training and haven't missed a training day yet.

The Sun and the Moon

I took the day off from work today.  The kids are off school b/c of Veterans Day, and I really, really needed a day off.  Thankfully Mark was okay going to the office by himself.   I slept till 7, did my SAD light and Bible reading, have read a few blog posts, am blogging myself, will run in a bit, and putter around the house.  Tonight I'm going out with my girlfriends to a Christmas bazaar and dinner.  I'm hoping for a relaxed, peaceful, refreshing day. 

It's been a rough week, and my food has been good and bad.  I've struggled with night eating (stress eating) this week, a lot.  I ran on Tuesday and took a weights class Wednesday, am running today, and running 5 miles with the girls on Saturday.  Exercise has been a constant lately--the whole "a body in motion stays in motion" thing.  It really helps.

About work: we still don't have another assistant.  Other broker is having a 2nd interview next week, and wants me to sit in.  I don't think my opinion matters.  He interviewed 3 people.  One lady would have been great, at least from her experience.  She was middle aged, in her 50s. She's been an assistant to a department head at a University.  The girl he wants to bring back for a 2nd interview is 25, has kids, is working on her degree, but is "more bubbly" than the other 2 women.  More bubbly.  This is his criteria for hiring someone.  I'm sure she's prettier, too.  I told him my opinion--that hiring someone strictly on personality and "bubbly" is a bad idea. It doesn't matter.  This is not something I can fight.  It is his assistant.  Mark & I are working toward leaving this office in the near term, anyway, so I am not invested in his decision.  It is HIS decision, not mine.  I just want to get someone in there so I don't have to do his work anymore and so I can take time off without my husband being stuck in the office by himself. 

OK, enough of that. Onto today's post.

A Facebook friend posted about the full moon the other day, about how much it affects her mood and attitude.  She is a very positive, effervescent, happy, open soul who I only know from High School but would love to know in person. 

Her post about the moon garnered a lot of comments.  People in medical and psychiatric fields confirmed that activity increased around the time of the full moon.  There may or may not be scientific evidence on how the moon affects people, but there is a boat load of anecdotal evidence.

She posted this three days before the full moon, which is today.  I started examining my feelings and behavior--and those of my daughter, who is also very sensitive--and how they've been difficult this week.  I've felt SAD symptoms of listlessness, tiredness, depression.  I've binged on sugar.  I've been moody and on edge and bitchy.  I had to take half a xanax on two mornings because I was wound up so tight.

I've always explained these feelings and behavior on hormones or food intake or lack of sleep or stress or lack of sunlight or lack of exercise (basically any lack in self-care).  And all these things DO affect me.  I'm not dismissing them or diminishing their importance. 

I know all about how the sun affects me.  I know how weather systems affect me.  I've never looked at how the moon might be affecting me.

The first website I pulled up on the moon's cycles had this to say about the lunar cycle:

Astrology and the Lunar Cycle
Aside from the scientific explanation, the term "moon cycle" is often heard in astrological circles. According to astrology, the moon's cycle can affect the way we feel about things. In particular, when the moon is full or new, both males and females can experience dramatic changes in their mood and behavior.

When the moon is full, stress becomes a major factor and people become more sensitive to details. An overload of work will add to the frustration and people will deal with their own needs rather than paying attention to others' needs. Often, a lack of assertiveness will be obvious.

A new moon brings with it the sense of calmness. In this moon cycle, people's emotions get back to normal, their determination will return with the feeling that anything can be accomplished, and there will be more energy and acceptance of other other's ideas.

Now, I am not into astrology.  I don't read my horoscope, and never have.  So I don't see these explanations as "astrology" in the traditional sense.  Maybe they are, and maybe it's hooey.  But it sure as heck struck a major chord with me.

I go through these cycles.  I feel these feelings acutely.  My rationale on the moon being at least partially responsible for the state of my being is this:  if the moon can move the oceans, then surely it can move me, as well. 

In my eyes, this is one more tool for me to use to get through the rough times.  It is one more way for me to 1) tell myself that what I'm going through is temporary, 2) prepare myself ahead of time for dealing with these feelings, especially at the full moon, and 3) honor the fact that not everything that happens inside of me is in my control. 

That last one could be seen as a cop out.  But to me, it gives me a small sense of peace.  I can't always Make Myself Well.  (Do you remember the movie Mask, with Cher?  When her son would fall sick, he would chant to himself "make myself well, make myself well."  Sometimes it worked; sometimes he was helpless.)  Sometimes I feel helpless, and all I can do is wait it out. 

That doesn't give me permission to descend into a binge or self-pity.  On the contrary.  It gives me an added responsibility, to myself and my family, to take extra care of myself, to be generous and loving to myself, and to remember to pause before I say the wrong thing or take the wrong action.  I'm often emotionally unstable during these times, and it can affect those around me significantly (in other words, I can be a real pain in the butt to live and work with, and for the sake of those I love, I have to work on toning my frustrations down to a healthy and kind level).

But it does give me permission to not expect so much from myself.  The times I feel like that, it is freeing to know that I AM OK, even if I'm not being Super Mom and Super Wife and Super Employee.  I don't have to be Super at all. 

So that's all the full moon bad stuff.  The good news is--the days before and after the new moon can make me feel strong.  I definitely have times of feeling amazing energy, strength, and invincibility.  I checked, and the new moon is at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  That's something to look forward to!

Difficult days

I've had a rough few days.  The time change kills me.  I'm also hormonal.  We had a very full weekend (it was Luke's birthday Sunday).  I skipped my SAD light treatments on Saturday and Sunday (b/c of time constraints).

All this, plus the availability of cake and pizza on Saturday and Sunday, has had me In The Sugar for 3 solid days. 

Sugar makes me mean and miserable.  And bloated.  And tired.  And gain weight.

Sugar's pull is so strong.  I am nearly helpless to avoid it when I am weak in other areas--like the time change, hormones, and next to no down time.

I have been exercising.  I worked out 5 times last week, including running 5 miles (in an hour.... I am getting faster and stronger) and an hour-long yoga class on Saturday.  Saturday morning is pretty much the last time I felt good.

I didn't bother weighing this morning.  I was so bloated I knew it would just further depress me. 

I am working today to get back on track and back to my healthy normal.  I started the day off with a good breakfast.  I have a good lunch ready.  I don't have dinner planned yet, and I need to go to the store tonight after work. I am running today at lunch. 

I did my SAD light at work yesterday, and at home this morning.  I still feel like I'm jet lagged from the time change and I'm feeling SAD symptoms--listless, unmotivated, tired, moving through mud, moody.

I'm just not in a good place right now.  Getting out of the sugar is KEY.  Being in the sugar makes everything worse.  It's a vicious cycle. 

Halloween 2011

My post for today is below.  Thought you'd enjoy some pics from the weekend.

Peter Pan and Captain Hook (this is a man's Hook coat...it makes me look bigger than I really am.  Of course, I'd fixate on that instead of how awesome we look!). This was taken at our church friends' house after our dinner with them Friday night.  We got ready there.  I don't have a white wall in my house, ha.

Hermione Granger and Captain Rex (storm trooper)

They are having a battle... Sophie flying on her broom stick with her hand, and Luke battling back with his light saber.  It was the perfect night to trick or treat. They had a great time.

Update on my back, neck, arm (169.2)

I've spent a good deal of time and money this year dealing with my neck, upper back, and arm injuries and pain.   The problems mostly stemmed from poor placement of my computer at work, a worn-out office chair, and carrying too much weight on the crook of my left arm.

My physical therapist worked through the majority of these issues, helping heal the nerve in my arm with ultrasound treatments and giving me exercises to do at home.  The cost for PT came out of my insurance deductible, and it was not cheap.  In other words, I have an investment in my body that I need to maintain.

At work I elevated my laptop to eye level, got an external keyboard and mouse, added a keyboard tray to my desk, and got a new chair.  I pieced them together one at a time, but it took ALL of those things combined to finally eliminate the painful knots in my neck and upper back.  In only a couple of weeks with the new chair and keyboard tray, the pain completely went away. 

My left arm is taking longer to heal.  I damaged the nerve at the crook in my arm, and my PT said it could take well over 6 months to completely heal. 

Lesson for you all--don't be a "one trip wonder" when carrying in your groceries, loading tons of weight on your arms.  You will eventually cause serious damage. 

If I overuse it, mostly when doing free weights classes, it gets tender and slightly weaker.  So I'm careful about bicep work and not loading up the bar with too much weight.

I am careful about adjusting my chair in different positions throughout the day.  I also pay close attention to my posture in the car now, keeping my abs tucked in and my shoulders back against the seat. 

Running regularly is also improving my back and posture.  When I run, I focus on keeping my shoulders down and in my "back pockets."  Running motions from my arms moving strengthen my upper back significantly, too.

The quality of my life has significantly improved because I'm not in continual pain and stress everyday. 

It took years for the small things to build up and cause injuries.  None of this stuff bothered me in my 30s.  I had used my laptop as it was for over 4 years before I had problems with my neck. 

Many small changes resulted in big results.  It was no One Thing, and it took trial and error to figure it all out.  

There's a bigger lesson to be learned from this, too.  Many small changes--baby steps--can impact every area of my life.  I have much more to work on, a little at a time.

A great run (169.0)

I wasn't able to run yesterday, because the dog needed to go to the vet (she was limping on the knee that had the ACL repaired last year--she now has arthritis) at lunch and had to be picked up after work.  So, no run.

But today I went at lunch, and it was fabulous.  3.25 miles in 37:42, which is an 11:36 pace--my best this year.  The last .25 miles I was at a 10:07 pace, and I felt strong the whole time. 

Yesterday was a crappy food day, though.  Just when I feel cocky about how well I'm doing, I have a day that knocks me for a loop.  I know what the problem was.  I had a lot of emotional stress, between work and the dog and an emotional talk with my daughter and the back-to-back dreary days.  I was nonstop busy all day long.  And I didn't get my run in.

I had choir practice at 7, ran to the grocery after, got a call from Mark at 8:20 telling me Sophie was crying and both the kids wanted to see me before they went to sleep.  I dug down and found some inner peace to give to both my kids when I got home a few minutes later, even though I didn't really have it in me. 

I hadn't eaten dinner before I left for choir.  That, plus all of the above, set me up for a binge last night.  It could have been worse, but it was still a binge. 

Vickie has some great links I read today (this one and this one) that helped me deal with what happened last night.  I already feel more positive about moving forward from the errors of yesterday.  Day has been much better.

No cookies. Feeling strong. (167.8)

Second day in a row at 167.8. 

Second night with no cookies.

Seriously, just fessing up and examining it on the blog helps me tremendously. 

Shining light on the problem, not hiding and pretending like it's not happening, admitting there is a problem....the first steps to healing.

I listened to myself when I wanted cookies on Tuesday night.  It was a knee jerk reaction--"the kids are in bed and I'm finally DONE for the day" reaction.  Cookies = comfort.  I had an apple and a cup of hot tea instead. 

I wanted cookies again when I woke up in the middle of the night to pee.  I just went straight back to bed, ignoring the pull of the kitchen.

Then Wednesday night, we got the kids in bed earlier, and I wasn't as stressed out at my bedtime.  I had hot tea again while in bed watching "Breaking Bad" on Netflix, and it helped again.  No cookies.  Had to pee again in the night and was so sleepy I just stumbled back to bed, no thought of the cookies.

Breaking a bad habit is a lot about replacing that habit with good ones.

It also helps that I've been working out hard, and I don't want to ruin all my good work with a stupid cookie binge. 

Weights class yesterday at lunch was awesome.  I need to increase my weights--they were getting too easy.  That's always a great sign.  Running again today, then rest tomorrow (I thought I'd do weights again on Friday afternoons, but my knees can't handle it, considering I have a long run on Saturday mornings), then the Saturday long run, then either rest or a weights or pilates class on Sunday, depending on how the day shakes out and how my body is feeling.

Right now, my body feels nothing but strong.  It ROCKS to feel this way.  And it just makes me want more.

You're coming into focus, kid (168.4)

One of my favorite movies is Joe vs. the Volcano.  I first saw it when Mark & I were dating.  I have seen it multiple times since, and Mark & I have quotes that we sometimes use to joke with each other. Like "these lights are suck, suck, sucking the life out of me" and "that outfit is wearing you, Felix" and "I'm not arguing that with you." 

If you've seen the movie a bajillion times, these will mean something to you.  Chances are, you haven't, so watch it the next time it comes on cable.

One of the quotes that hit me yesterday was "You're coming into focus, kid."  The limo driver who takes Joe to the airport (for his trip to an island in the Pacific where he's planning to jump into a volcano) says it after he takes Joe to get new clothes and his hair cut.  Tom Hanks is transformed from an unhealthy looking sad sack of a man, to the handsome Tom Hanks of the late 1990s. 

Yesterday, I felt like that.  I felt like I was coming into focus. 

I can feel my bicep muscles now, and there's a nice cut when I flex.  Same with my triceps and shoulders.  My back fat rolls are completely gone; no more muffin top either.  My upper body shapes up pretty quickly once I start the workouts, which I've been doing fairly regularly since the first part of September.

My running pace is a minute faster (yesterday, it was 12:38 for a 3.25 mile run) than it was a couple months ago .  I did (a slow) 5 miles on Saturday with my friends, and it was almost too easy.  I just finished a pilates class, where we used a big ball, and I could keep up with everything.  It was challenging, but I could do it all. 

I feel stronger, I feel thinner, I feel like I'm going to be able to reach my goals in the foreseeable future.

So, what are my goals?  It's nice to have some again.

Weight loss wise, I'd like to be at 160 by Thanksgiving, although realistically it will likely be 162 or 163.  I'll be happy with that.  I want to weigh 155 by my race in February.  I think that's totally doable. That weight is important because it affects my running pace significantly.

I don't know what my "final" weight will be.  I want my saddle bags to be nearly gone. I want a normal shaped body, proportionate all over.  Whatever weight that ends up being is what I want to weigh. I do know that I still had significant weight in my hips when I weighed 146, so I'm guessing it will be below that. I have no idea when I'll hit this weight.  It may be next summer, it may be in 2 or 3 years, or it may take longer.  Depends on how hard I work for it and how my body cooperates. Time doesn't matter.  I just want to get there by consistently moving forward. 

Running wise, I want to run an avg 11:00 min/mile for my long runs.  I want to run an avg 10:30 min/mile on my short runs.  These paces are only possible when I have less weight to carry around.  Eventually, I want to run a full marathon, maybe in 2013.

Food wise, I want to kick my darn cookie habit.  I don't know what the problem is--muscle memory, sugar memory, comfort habit?  Probably those and more.  I almost always have 3 or 4 cookies right before I go to bed.  Yes, I realize how stupid this is and how destructive this is for weight loss.  Yes, I realize I could put the cookies somewhere I can't get to them.  It's more than behavior modification or mind games.  I need to figure out why I still eat them, after having a well-fed and productive and happy day.  Just writing about it here will help me work on it, I'm sure.

Still busy at work, still busy at home, still maintaining mostly healthy habits, including my SAD light--which I consider one of the most critical to my overall health.  Lunch time workouts are fortunately completely doable most days. I've already run and taken pilates, and it's only Tuesday!  More running Thursday, weights class Friday, running Saturday.  It's all good.

Would you like plastic with that oatmeal? (167.4)

Because of my new work schedule, I've been having to eat part of my breakfast at work. I usually have my homemade soy latte, an egg & a few bites of oatmeal at home, then bring the rest of my oatmeal to work & finish it at my desk.  This is a new routine for me; I usually only eat a snack and lunch at work.

Last week I reheated my oatmeal in a plastic glad ware container, and the whole thing tasted like burnt plastic.  Blech.

I know reheating food in plastic is a horrible idea.  At home I don't, but at work I will sometimes heat anything that won't stay on a paper plate in the glad ware containers I bring the food in. 

After the oatmeal incident, I decided it was time to invest in glass containers.

I've looked at them at Target before, but they were a fortune.  I found a set on Amazon called Snapware for $45.  There were mixed reviews about the durability of the lids and the glass, and indeed, the large container arrived with one of the snaps broken off.  It wasn't a huge deal--it's not a container I'd bring with me to work, which is the only time I need seal-tight lids--so I just kept it and didn't bother with a return. I needed the containers right away. 

The rest of the bowls and rectangular dishes have been great.  They seal tight and don't leak, they have gone through a couple dishwasher cycles & the seals are still OK.  I haven't broken any yet.  I'm very happy to have the set and glad I won't be filling our bodies with toxic plastic any more.

Any my oatmeal this morning tastes like oatmeal (and pumpkin and peanut butter and cinnamon, 'cause that's how I roll).

***
My weight yesterday was 167.4, too.  I had lunch with friends at Panera yesterday, 2/3rds of a chicken salad sandwich, and I expected my weight to bump up today. I was surprised & happy it stayed the same.  It's my lowest weight yet this year.  I'm half a pound away from losing 20 pounds.

My clothes are fitting better and better, and I'm feeling better.  I really want to be in size 10s by Thanksgiving.  I have very few fall clothes in 12s, and am just wearing the same clothes over and over (I barely have enough to get through one week without doing laundry, but I manage) until I lose more weight.  I have two pairs of jeans in 10s but nothing else for fall, so I'll have to buy a few pieces when I get to 160.  I'm looking forward to it.  

To that end, I'm working out regularly now.  Pilates on Tuesday, weights at lunch and a 75 minute walk at night with my friend Debra on Wednesday, weights tonight, and a 5 mile run tomorrow morning with the girls.  Princess Half Marathon (in February) training starts this weekend; it's the first time I'll train for a race with other women, and I'm really excited about that. I can FINALLY share my love for running with friends In Real Life.   Hooray for exercise!

Safe at this size (168.0)

I've been bopping around 170 pounds for a couple of months now.  Last week I started thinking about the Why of this plateau.

And I realize it's not a long plateau and not (necessarily) a big deal, but I'd still call it a plateau.

When I first started writing this blog, I regularly read a blog by Jonathan.  He wrote the best explanation of what a plateau is (back in 2006... how quickly time passes) that I've ever read.  The key point is this:

‘When you are experiencing a true plateau –that is, you are not gaining, and you are not losing– it is the result of the fact that your desire to change is exactly equal to your desire to stay the same.’

This Truth has nothing to do with playing scale games, making up excuses like "I'm building muscle and that's why I'm not losing weight" or "I'm eating too many carrots" (which some weight counselor once told a blogger was why she wasn't losing weight).  

It's an in-your-face, look at what you're really doing kind of explanation for a plateau.

I am at that point of exactly equal.

My desire to stay the same stems from:

I don't feel obese anymore.  Size 12 is average.  I am still overweight, but I can run and lift weights and hold my body weight in pilates.  I'm not eating sugar or processed foods as my main meals (although my nights are still a problem as far as that goes).  My husband likes the way I look.  And I feel good.

But all that combined isn't the true, deep down reason for staying this weight.  The real reason is that I feel SAFE at this size.

Nobody comments on my body or my clothes.  Nobody asks if I've lost weight.  Nobody asks me about diets or exercise or "what's your secret?"

At this size, I'm still invisible.

Understand, though, that Safe isn't where I want to be.  Safe is not a happy place.   The need to feel Safe stems from childhood damage and comments from men I received when I was thin in 2008 and recent issues with my uncle.  I wrote in detail about the need to be invisible here.

Deep down, who I want to be is what Vickie described in her zip line post (which I found easily because Vickie is the Queen of Tags, and yes indeed, she has a tag for "zip line."  Love it).  I want to feel like this, as Vickie wrote in this post:

"I am not an average person.

That illusive "normal' that bloggers often think about wanting to be.

I am above, beyond, better than a 'normal' person. Because the average joe in line at the license bureau is a 'normal person'.

And what I do to take care of myself is beyond what those people know, do, understand.

And what I have, physically and emotionally is (in my opinion) beyond what they have too."

Getting beyond Safe is, I believe, going to take some more therapy sessions.  I don't know any other way to get past it.  I had the breakthrough of understanding a few months ago.  Now I need the breakthrough of change, so that I can get my head around learning to live beyond Safe, beyond Normal.

Deep down, I know I can be that person.  Now to start digging through the layers to bring that deep down belief to the surface.

Making the most of it (169.2)

Tuesday was the worst day, as far as this work thing goes.  My knee jerk reactions went into my post Tuesday, and I did FEEL all those things at the time, but my first reactions were more dire, I suppose, than reality.

I'm still not happy with the situation, but I'm setting boundaries and I'm determined to take care of myself.

Boundary example:
The broker I'm working with now asked me to access his calendar for client meetings and to see what his schedule is so I can see who he's meeting with and schedule appointments for him.  I will not do this for him.  I asked him to get me names & dates in advance so I can prep his account review material.  He is calling his own clients back when there are issues.  I've heard how he deals with Sara on his calendar--it has been a source of conflict for them, and I'm not getting involved in that. 

I am only doing "account" work for him.  I will not do personal chores for him.  If it's related to sales or service, I will help.  Anything else, I'm telling him I'm not comfortable handing that (such as entering his business and personal expenses from his bank account into Quicken).

I'm tracking every minute I touch the other broker's business. My goal is not to work more than 3.5 hours a day (half my day) on his business, so that I don't feel like I am short changing our business.


Taking care of myself:
Since I have to be here regular business hours, I'm taking a lunch like regular business hours people do.  I never took lunch when I came in at mid-morning, of course.  The past two days, my lunch has been working out at the gym.  Pilates on Tuesday, Weights class on Wednesday.  Those two classes are 45 minutes to accommodate the lunch hour.  Lunch classes are only on Tues & Wed, so I will be going to the gym and walking or running the other days. 

My plan is to go 4 or 5 days each week.  I told Mark I need this hour away from the office to maintain my sanity.  I eat lunch at my desk when I get back from the gym.  I change my clothes at work in the bathroom, drive 5 minutes to the gym, workout, drive back, change back into work clothes (sweaty but not stinky :).  Total time is about 65 minutes.  Totally worth it.

This morning I got up at 5:30 and did my SAD light/Bible reading time.  That helped center my day.

I haven't been able to eat breakfast at home, though.  I need to get up at 5:00 or 5:15 if I want to eat at home (at least, I haven't figured out any other way yet).  I had coffee (1 c. soy milk and espresso) at home, then had steel cut oats with PB and berries at 8:15.  I need to work on breakfast, b/c I'm not happy with the late hour and the lack of significant protein.   It's all part of the adjustment process.


Thank you for all your words of encouragment and support.

Big change at work (170.0)

The other assistant in the office quit yesterday.  She was totally justified in quitting.  If I were her, I would have left her boss years and years ago.  I don't know how she stood it for 8 years.  I am not upset with her in the least.  I know whatever she ends up doing, she will be happier with.

But, I am now the solo assistant to my husband and the other advisor in the office.

Needless to say, my work load is increasing substantially, and there's a big learning curve because they do things differently than we do. 

This is an unwelcome change, to say the least. My hours at the office are increasing, my flexibility is decreasing, my patience is being tested. 

The advisor treats me with respect, at least he always has in the past (I am, afterall, the wife of the branch manager and Mark & he have been friends for over 20 years).  Hopefully that will continue.  Who knows how long this situation will last.  I doubt that he'll be that motivated to hire someone while I'm doing so much for him.

Yes, he's paying me (us, really.... when I'm working for him, I'm not taking care of Mark's & my clients), by the hour.  I'm tracking my hours on a spreadsheet. 

I won't do a lot of the personal stuff he had his previous assistant do. I'm being very clear about what I need from him to do things he needs done the right way. 

The problem is, things go in one ear and out the other with him.  I've seen it & heard it for almost 5 years of working in this office.  I'm going to have to take extra care to cover my butt. 

This is a HUGE test of my patience and Christian attitude toward someone I don't particularly like (and often, can absolutely not stand at all).  I'm having to hold my tongue already; the past few months of therapy and blog writing have, in a big way, prepared me for this situation.

I don't know when I'll be on here next.  I don't like to blog at night--I'm on this thing all day long, the last thing I want to do at home is get back on my computer.  Hopefully it will be soon. 

One year later.... graces, big and small (170.6)

Today is the anniversary of my dad's death.  That day marked the end of the most difficult, challenging, gut-wrenching year of my life. 

The 12 months that have passed since his death have been full of significant changes for me.  I've written about those changes as they've happened, here on my blog.  I don't want to go through a list of them today.

Today I want to talk about all the grace I now see at work in my life.

Last Friday I had an extremely frustrating day.  Nothing was going right.  I had a long list of things I needed to get done at work, but I got sidelined with an unexpected client issue instead.  I also had email and computer problems that day.  I banged my head against the wall for hours, getting nowhere. It was very frustrating, and I broke down at one point because I felt so out of control and helpless.

At the end of the day when I was on my way home, it hit me--I haven't had a bad day like that in a very, very long time.  From January 2010 to October 7, 2010, I had bad days (and worse days) several times a week.  Sometimes entire weeks were bad like that. 

I can look back now and acknowledge how utterly horrible the year of Dad's illness was.  If God only gives you what you can handle...well, he pushed me to the very edge.

I can look at today and see clearly that I am happy.  I am blessed.  More often than not, I am filled with peace.

Even when I have a bad day like last week, it's nothing compared to the turmoil I suffered before. 

And that's where the Big Grace comes in.  Because of the year of Dad's illness, I have the ability to look at "bad days" and not let them wreck me.   It's not a "my dad is in a nursing home unable to move a muscle, bitter and angry and blaming me for putting him there" day.  It's just one bad day.

A few other Big Graces:

My husband and kids are healthy. I am healthy. We have a warm, safe home. We have decent clothes. We have food in the fridge and the cupboards. 

My relationship with my mom is healing and much stronger.  Not because she has changed, but because I have changed.

I'm on the right medication to keep my moods stable.  I am not suffering from SAD symptoms because I am treating it with light therapy.  I am sleeping well.

There are so many more--Mark passed the CFP exam, we are making a living and can pay the bills, I am cooking and buying fresh foods every week (& Mark is eating what I make) and we rarely eat out anymore.

The Small Graces are things like this:

This Sunday is the Half Marathon that I've run the past 3 years.  My coworker Sara is walking it--it's her first half.  She's so excited, and I'm excited for her.  I'm also pea green with envy.  I wish I'd trained.  I want the t-shirt, the medal, the 5 gallon bucket (that's the bling every year--a 5 gallon bucket... only in the Mid West :).  I want the thrill of the accomplishment of 13.1 miles. 

Yesterday morning I was so tempted to sign up & just do it, conditioning be darned.  I schemed about what I'd have to do to swing it.... I'd need a sub for my Sunday school class, which wouldn't be that hard.  But I'd also have to skip singing in the choir.  We only have 4 sopranos, so me skipping would leave a small hole in the choir that would make me feel bad without giving the director prior notice (we can miss, he just asks for advance notice so he knows what music to plan for).  I'd also have to walk a lot of the race, which wouldn't necessarily mean I'd finish injury free.

I had a very small PLUS column, and a long MINUS column.  The answer was obvious.  By the end of the day, I was pouting because I couldn't do the race. 

Then last night at choir practice, we rehearsed our anthem for this Sunday.  Great Is Thy Faithfulness.  One of my favorite hymns ever. The arrangement is beautiful and has wonderful soprano sections.  Vocally, it's simple but challenging. 

Our choir director is a professor of music at the private university in town, and he is also the conductor of our city's Philharmonic Chorus.  He conducted at Carnegie Hall this year; he's extraordinarily talented.  He brings out the best in us.  It's a privilege to sing in his choir. 

Normally we sing in a choir loft at the back of the sanctuary, so the congregation doesn't see us (we see the backs of their heads, except when someone occasionally turns around to look at us if we are singing really, really well).  This anthem is best sung with a piano instead of an organ, so we are singing at the front of the sanctuary with the grand piano. We only sing up front a few times a year.  I love singing in front of the congregation.  Not because they can see us, but because I can see everyone's faces when we sing.

I won't be disappointed that I'm not running on Sunday morning, because I will be overflowing with joy when I'm singing the words of this hymn.  This is a small grace, but it means so much to me.

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!


A year ago, I don't think I could have sung this song without breaking down and sobbing, mostly because I was sobbing almost every day anyway.  Two weeks ago when we first practiced this anthem, my voice did break a few times.  It's still very emotional for me, even reading the words now. 

"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."

I'm stronger because of all I've gone through.  I feel like it's my tomorrow--filled with bright hope--at last. 

Blessings, grace, and peace.  I can't ask for more.

the insanity will be over soon (171.2)

The stress is starting to get to me.  I had sugar this weekend, and it turned me into quite the bitchy wife & mom.  Not pretty.  Yes, it was a good lesson.  Sugar makes me miserable.  But it also soothes the pain, like a drug.  It is a vicious master.  I'm tired of learning the lesson over and over again.  I just need to remember the awfulness of its affects and stop myself before I start. 

Weekends seem to be harder for me, because they are less structured.  Something I need to work on... but it's hard to be continually "working on" stuff, you know?  I just want some mindless down time.  Mindless down time is often when the sugar crazies hit.

I kept thinking of it as "demon sugar," because I am a big fan of the series "Boardwalk Empire," which is set during the temperance movement in Atlantic City.  The movement to get rid of "demon liquor" was obviously not successful, and mostly inflamed organized crime and the mob. 

There will never be a movement to rid the world of demon sugar, but I do want to rid myself of it.  I failed this weekend.

It's not hopeless by any means.  I'm eating real meals--but I am letting the stress consume me at night and I am obviously not yet impervious to my drug of choice.

I have a lot going on between now and Friday.  I will likely not be around much until then.

I may get to take a yoga class tonight. I'm hoping to at least squeeze in some exercise to alleviate some of the stress and anxiety.

I am going to eat the best that I can, and go to bed on time, and take care of myself, and work really hard to do all these things so I don't lose it again.

Busy, busy, busy (169.2)

I'm swamped, but checking in because I'm back under 170.

I also wanted to report my recent workouts:
Saturday, 5 miles in 65 minutes (13:00 min/mile)
Monday, 3 miles in 37 minutes (12:20 min/mile)
Tuesday, Group Power free weights

I am quite sore today.  I will be more sore tomorrow.

I am walking with my friend Debra tonight, for at least an hour, maybe more if she can hang with me.  (the kids go to a two-hour church kids' night for every other Wednesday) 

Next week after our annual audit is over, I will have room to breathe. 

In the mean time, I am keeping up my healthy habits (eating well, morning light therapy, taking all my supplements, getting to bed early, doing chores a little at a time so I don't get behind, weighing myself every morning) so that I can survive the chaos with grace.

Turning Weaknesses into Strengths (170.2)

I often curse my weaknesses, wishing I was something better or different than what I am. 

As I grow older and more mature, and just plain more experienced and appreciative of who I am, it is being revealed to me that the very weaknesses I see are leading to strengths.

Here are a few.

*Weakness: I have struggled with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) for years.  Last year was one of the worst.  It can sometimes be crippling, and I have hated this disorder and what it does to me for a long time.

This year, I have prepared myself by investing in a quality light therapy box and started light therapy two weeks ago.  Every morning I sit in front of this light for 30 minutes. 

Strength:  I don't just sit for 30 minutes, though.  I am reading my Bible. I go to church on Sundays, I teach the 2-3 year old Sunday School class, and I sing in the choir.  But my relationship with God often feels "one way"--like I send out my requests and pleas for help, but I don't take the time to listen or accept the gift of his Word.

These past two weeks have not only helped eliminate my SAD symptoms--truly, the light therapy is proving remarkable for my energy level--but my faith and relationship with God is being strengthened. 

Because of SAD, I am growing in my faith in a way I would never have made time for without the excuse of light therapy.

*Weakness:  My hips and thighs.  My rear view is THE reason I want to lose more weight.  If I were proportional and didn't have the ugly fat pockets of my saddlebags, I would most likely be happy with my weight and wearing size 12s.

*Strength: Because I want to get rid of this fat permanently, I am eating healthier than I ever have.  My mood is better and more stable. My skin, hair and nails are stronger and clearer.  Certainly there are internal organs that are getting healthier, too. 

I'm exercising because I want the fat gone forever, but exercise will make my bones stronger and my muscles grow, so that when I'm 80 I can get myself up and down without assistance.

Because of my saddlebags, I'm making changes that will help me live longer for my kids and grandkids.

*Weakness: I have emotional damage from my childhood that has negatively influenced the last 30 years of my life.  The primary reason for my obesity is because of what happened to me when I was 12 years old.  There are issues other than weight that resulted from my childhood baggage--fear, anxiety, OCD, the need for control, attachment issues.... there are certainly more. 

*Strength:  I found an amazing therapist this year, who has helped me work through all these issues.  Because I had this baggage to work through and heal, I now have more patience for others when they are struggling.  I have a better skill set to help my kids deal with their concerns.  I am learning to be a better listener, a better wife, a better sister, a better daughter, and a better friend. 

Weakness doesn't have to derail me.  It doesn't mean failure. It doesn't mean inferior.  It doesn't mean hopeless. 

Weakness allows me to examine the why's of my life.  Socrates said "the unexamined life isn't worth living."  Therefore, because of weakness, my life is worth living. 

Weakness is an opportunity to let something new happen in my life. And that something new may be beyond anything I could ever hope for or imagine.

Checking in (170.8)

I'm fine, doing OK, but stupidly busy. 

I'm actually a bit overwhelmed by everything I need to get done in the next two weeks -- work obligations, mostly, but also a church project and busy weekends.  Our calendar is already filling up through the end of the year.  Crazy!

Everything kind of hit me last night and I had a cookie binge (7 oreos and 2 chips ahoys).  Thank you, sugar and fat, for the weight uptick this morning. 

I haven't exercised all week.  I did great for two weeks, now this week--nada.  Tomorrow I've put on my calendar (and Mark's) that I'm meeting a group of girls for coffee at 7:30 a.m, then I am going to a Group Power (free weights) class at 10 a.m.  I'm planning to hit the treadmill or the pavement in between for some cardio.  I cannot wait.  I need the restorative power of both the Adult Intelligent Female IRL conversation and the physical activity.

If I'm sparsely present in the next couple of weeks, it's not because I've given up on the healthy life or I don't care about my blog or yours.  It's because I'm working really hard to keep my head above water.  Hopefully I'll have more time than I think and will be on here as often as possible, but I'm planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

I hope you are enjoying the almost-fall weather.  I certainly am, even if it's just gazing out the window occasionally and not sweating my butt off walking from the car to the indoors.