Now the real work begins (149.0)

I ran the OA meeting last night, which means I gave my "lead" (I talked about my story for 40 minutes). 

It was the second time I'd given my lead.  The first time I gave it, last November, I told my story at a high level, getting in as many details of my life as possible.  This time, I still gave details but not as many and they were more in depth. 

I talked a lot about my life between 2007-2012.  How I'd lost and gained.  How I felt when I'd lost weight the first time.  How I did the outside work but not the inside.  How I still had a "fat head" at 146 pounds.  How my life wasn't perfect when I got thin.  And how when life hit me in the shins, I went right back to food.

At the end of my talk, I said I feel like the first 6 months of OA have been a honeymoon phase (which is a term they use) and it has been a blessing to be free from the power of food.  I couldn't have done it by myself; only through meetings and the program have I been able to lose 25 pounds and become free of the prison of sugar.

Now, the hard work begins.

I didn't do the hard work the last time.  The hard work is the inside work.  It is working the 12 steps.  It is examining those parts of myself I'd rather ignore (that's what the 4th step inventory is mostly about--which I'm not working on yet).  It's acknowledging every single day that I am a food addict.  It's identifying foods I think I can eat safely, but when they become a problem, eliminate them from my diet (like fried foods---fried anything makes me think about more food).  It's reading more OA lit and writing more often about my feelings.

I read this weekend in one of the OA books (on my Kindle) that simply overeating is a pathway to compulsive eating.  I have noticed this, as well.  I have overeaten several times, and each time was because I subconsciously wanted the comfort food offered.  I have eaten other than meal times, mostly on the weekends, out of boredom or for distraction.

I have to be honest about these eating behaviors, or I will slip back into compulsive eating.  Addiction is insidious that way.

To help me keep a journal, I downloaded an app on my phone called Daily Diary.  I love it.  I hate to write long hand.  It takes too long and my hand writing is atrocious. I don't have the patience to write neatly.  Plus, I don't have a big purse so I can't carry a journal around with me.  I always have my phone.  I can type pretty quickly with my thumbs (I always wonder what kind of damage we are doing to our thumb joints?  will there be an abundance of thumb arthritis 30 or 40 years from now?).  I typed out my notes for yesterday's OA talk on there.  I also journaled on Sunday, after I'd had three days of not so great eating, to work through WHY I was eating the way I was.  The diary is just one more tool in my arsenal.

Tools are how I stay even.  I think of all these as my tools: meetings, my sponsor, my OA friends, medication, abstinence from sugar/fat/flour foods, my SAD light, exercise, reading and writing, my therapist, acupuncture, my blog and all of you. 

If any of these tools aren't being used, I can slip and get out of balance.  I've got plenty of proof to that effect.

Sleep needs to be a better tool--I still don't have a great bed time/wake up time habit.  I like to stay up late and I don't like mornings.  This may forever be a challenge until I learn to accept what is good for me, instead of wanting things my way (kind of like with food, no?). 

Random news: I did something to my knee yesterday.  I sat on the bed for a few minutes with one leg folded underneath me.  When I stood up, the tendons on both sides of my knee hurt.  Felt like I'd strained them.  It's hard to describe, because I haven't felt anything like that before.  I stretched it and elevated it for about 30 minutes.  It got better, then when I stood up after sitting for about 20 minutes, it did it again.  I wrapped it last night in an ace bandage and slept with it elevated on a pillow.  It still feels weak this morning--not the same pain as last night, but I can tell it's not right. 

It didn't hurt to walk up stairs this morning at work, so that's a good sign.  I'd planned on working out tonight (run or walk or class).  Not sure if that's going to happen or not.  I think walking might actually be good for it, if I don't push too hard.  We'll see.

Kids are at my mom's today and tomorrow.  I have a free night for me! I'm going to a concert at the university where our church choir director teaches. He's conducting a Bach concert with his university choir and the Bach Singers group he put together a couple of years ago (the Bach Singers perform at our church twice a year).  I'm so stinking excited to have a night to myself and to support his efforts.  Unfortunately I'm going by myself.  I asked Mark's cousin to go with me but she's busy. All my friends have kids and can't go.  Mark has a meeting tonight.  I'm okay with going places by myself, but it would have been nice to have shared it with someone else. 

It snowed here all day yesterday.  No accumulation other than a dusting on our deck and fence (didn't even stay on the grass).  But it was totally bizarre to see blowing snow on the first day of the kids' spring break.  I am so winter weary.  I'm not alone, I know.  Last March was the warmest we'd had in over 100 years.  I'm guessing this is one of the coldest in years.  Ah, climate change.  I'm sure we'll have more extremes in the years to come.