I had a really bad day yesterday. It was cloudy, I was starting to feel sick (Luke fought off a virus this weekend & I was getting it), and I was extremely hormonal.
It was a walking through mud, ready to cry at the drop of a hat, everything is wrong with my world kind of day.
I had lunch with a business contact and chose my food well, with no desires for food to comfort me. It was a nice conversation but my heart wasn't in it and the extrovert interaction took a lot out of me.
Tuesdays are when the kids have acting class and I run 3 miles between 4-5 pm. The sun came out & the temps came up to around 50 by 4 pm, but I had no ability to overcome the sludge feelings, so instead I chose to sit on the couch in the studio and play Words with Friends and catch up on Facebook.
After acting class, I drove to Sonic for mozzarella cheese sticks & tater tots. These aren't sugar; they aren't (weren't) on my trigger food/binge list. But I wanted them for emotional reasons and for comfort.
My sponsor said when you attach emotions to a food, it's time to look at that food and probably add it to the trigger food list.
I had a handful of peanuts around 7 pm and a cup of decaf coffee, but that was it for the rest of the night.
I didn't binge. I didn't eat sugar. But I deliberately ate foods that aren't good for me (oh, the fat & sodium count!). And I ate them to comfort myself and to soothe my raging hormones. I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm learning a lesson.
After the kids went to bed, I started reading my OA book of stories from members on my kindle. The chapter I was on was about defining abstinence. OA defines abstinence as refraining from compulsive overeating. OA does not define what compulsive overeating is. Everyone gets to define their own abstinence and what compulsive overeating means for them.
The story that stood out to me was this: Abstinence is eating food to fuel my body. Compulsive eating is feeding my disease.
It is possible to feed my disease even if I'm not eating sugar. I'm adding Sonic to my list of foods to stay away from. I have an emotional attachment to that type of food, and so it will feed my disease if I let it in.
These kinds of days are going to happen, probably countless times over the rest of my life. I still have a lot to learn about how to handle these feelings. I feel like I've taken a small step to learn how to cope without food.
8 comments:
The difference between you and me at this point is that I would have justified keeping Sonic foods on my okay-to-eat list. I was not expecting you to say that you willingly added them to your trigger list - that shows how far you have come and how far I still have to go. And btw, I did the same thing with the same foods last week - was it something in the air???? I'm looking to you for inspiration and proof that we can get out of this hell-hole of emotional eating. Please keep posting!! :)
xoxo
And I guess I should clarify that I don't think that there's necessarily anything wrong with finding comfort in food--when it's food that is good for your body and when it's meal time.
I think it's OK to eat warm foods when it's cold or when you're sick. To enjoy a slice of cold watermelon on a hot day. To find comfort in familiar, healthy, routine foods.
It's not that I think we can't ENJOY our food. Indeed, I think it's important we DO enjoy it.
It was my seeking comfort out of a fast food bag that concerns me. And seeking comfort from food immediately and knowingly. Wanting the food to take away the icky feelings.
I could have dealt with the feelings by going home and making a quick warm healthy meal, and then had some warm tea or decaf coffee (which I did, and it was a good choice because it soothed my raw spots and helped me avoid wanting anything sugary). By nuturing myself with reading and a blanket and a good cry. I did all those things, too. I just had the food first.
Imagine what could have happened if I weren't AWARE of what was going on and AWARE of how to stop it in its tracks. Very thankful for that.
Aww, Jill. Thank you, sweets. It is possible. You are taking the steps you need to. Just keep moving forward.
I also should have called my sponsor. I'm meeting with her tomorrow. I have a fear that if I call her in a situation like this she's going to tell me to start my day count over, and I just couldn't handle that. I need to get that figured out--I don't feel like I broke my abstinence "enough" to start over. I feel like I'm still working out what abstinence means FOR ME. And if I have to start over at every "learning experience," then I'm going to be done with day counts. I don't feel like I can be penalized every time something like this happens. If it means a "penalty" then I don't want to play.
I emailed the post & my comments to my sponsor so we can talk about it tomorrow. That way I'm forced to discuss the issue and not paper over it.
I personally would say that the sonic food is sugar, just in a different form.
And I wonder if you need to not count days, and just think of each day, the counting thing seems to be messing with you.
It was very smart of you to send copies to pave the way with your topic. I used to do that with my therapist (a lot).
Curious what she had to say.
I thought of you, Vickie, when I decided to send her the post. It made our conversation more efficient and helped convey to her what I was really feeling. It's easier for me to express my feelings completely, in writing.
She understood. She said it was a slip and I didn't break my abstinence. If I'd gone through Dairy Queen or the Donut Bank drive through, that would be a different story. She has had slips before in her 20 years abstinence and she said you just learn from them, like I did.
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