A little better

The meds started working a smidge better a couple days ago.  I know they are working better because I can cook and clean the kitchen and it's not a monumental effort to live my daily life.

Night time eating is better.  I've been going to bed after putting the kids to bed, instead of sitting on the couch with food only a few feet away.  That conditioned response--of eating when it's bed time and I'm sitting on the couch--is powerful, and the only way to break it, that I can see, is to remove myself from the situation.

What's not better are my intrusive thoughts.  I still imagine myself or other people getting hurt (or worse) or having accidents.  If these aren't gone in a couple more weeks, I'm going back to the psych and probably will ask to increase the meds again.  The thoughts are not controllable; they come and go.

I haven't had time or energy to go running or walking and haven't been to yoga in over a week.  Mark is very busy and often doesn't get home until 6, and by then I'm done for the day (at least, done as far as working out... I still have an hour or more of kid duty before bed).

We are still planning on going to Colorado next week.  I'm excited by I'm also dreading it.  It's going to be a ton of work, a long drive, a long time away from home, and everyone out there is super healthy & skinny.  I feel bad about myself when I'm this heavy & around Mark's family.  Sigh. 

The kids will have fun though and they are really excited.  Despite my body issues, I can't wait to spend time with everyone.  We haven't seen this part of our family since Thanksgiving. So that will be nice.

So I guess I'm okay--not great, but not in the pit.  That's something at least.

And weight is staying stable around 170.  Not happy about that at all.  Just not enough energy (or in enough misery) to do anything about it yet. 

What I can and can't do right now

I am still struggling. We did increase meds from 100 to 150 mg. Too
early to know if that will help. So far it isn't.

I'm in a haze of ambivalence. I can function to keep up with my life
but have nothing left over. I can take a couple yoga classes a week
and even did 3 miles walk/run one day last week. I can do laundry all
day Saturday and take the kids where they need to go. I can shop, pay
bills, go to work.

The depression or whatever it is takes away the "extra spark" I
usually have. Sometimes, like today, things feel insurmountable and I
want to cry. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. I'm easily angered
and frustrated. I often feel like giving up.

I know I'm not ok right now.

And I can't get the food right. I do okay during the day and then at
night I crash into sugar. I hate it. I can't stop myself.

Compared to many and from the outside I'm doing great. Inside, I can
barely stand it and just want the sadness and heavy feeling to go
away.

I'm giving the increase in meds a few weeks. If I'm not better when we
get back from Colorado around July 11, I'm going back to the psych.

I'm slammed at work and at home.
I'm overwhelmed but I don't know what else to do right now. Other than
take it one day at a time and trust that it will get better.

********
Thank you for thinking of me, Vickie, and letting me know. I think
about you a lot--wondering how you DO all you do and stay stable and
eat well. And I'm amazed at you!

Appointment Monday

Just set appointment to see my psych/nurse practitioner Monday
afternoon. I'm having intrusive thoughts and mood cycling again.

I'm guessing my Meds need to be increased. Or maybe add one. I'll see
what she says. I just know I'm feeling like I did before I started on
this medication and I want to get ahead of it before it gets bad.

It's been a crazy week. Kids in day camp all day -- it's a 45 min trip
to get them to camps and then to work. So I'm in the car 90 min a day.

And they have VBS this week from 6-8:30 (which they love and it's
Sophie's last year since she'll be in 6th grade next year!!). But it
makes for long days for everyone. And late bedtimes.

No workouts for me since Sunday which is taking a toll

Also, Sophie is in a play the weekend of June 22nd (4 performances in
3 days) and she has rehearsals Thursday's, Friday's and Sunday's.

She leaves for sleep away church camp this Sunday, which is a 6 hour
round trip drive (going with another mom and she's driving). Then pick
up the following Friday, another 6 hour drive.

Then, we are driving to Colorado July 4-5th, returning July 11-12th.
For niece's wedding and time with Mark's family. Going to see the
Beach Boys at Red Rocka. And we'll go to the Rockies state park. I'm
so excited about the trip but it's one more thing to do.

And I'm having a surprise 50th birthday party for Mark on July 28.
Have to get list of guests and invitations ready. Thankfully I'm
having it at our fitness club's pool, and they pretty much do
everything for us (food drinks cake).

Egads, it's a lot to handle.

Summer will be over sooner than I can imagine. Will be bittersweet. A
memorable and busy one.

Work is awesome. Love the environment. Very supportive. Clients are
happy. We are moving clients to few based model so we're working
toward a steady predictable income. It's all good. (no interaction
from old office guy, thank goodness)

I'm wrapped up in my own life. Miss catching up on my blog friends
lives. I think of you all often! I look forward to the day I have more
time to be involved with others and not so self focused. Wonder when
that will be?!

I'm doing a little better. Ran/walked Saturday 4 miles. Took a yoga
class Sunday. Food is a bit better.

I think I may be having depression issues again though. I thought I
was just feeling hormonal but that usually only lasts a couple of
days. I'm going to see how the rest of this week goes and if I still
feel like this next week, I'm going to see my psych.

I will post more when I can.