Okay, so I'm not in Las Vegas or planning to go, but couldn't resist putting it in the title to mimic Hunter S. Thompson's Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas (and I've only seen the movie, not read the book).
First, the food. I made another one of Roni's recipes last night, Mexican Pie, and it was tasty. It took a bit longer than I thought it would, about 45 minutes of prep work (of course, I'm a slow chopper since I'm such a novice in the kitchen--your mileage may vary). DH would have preferred it to be made with ground sirloin (his story is that he ate a lot of ground turkey when he was in his 20s and poor, so he is eternally anti-ground turkey now, which is a bummer because I love it and cook with it a lot). But otherwise he loved the flavors, and I do to. I had leftovers for lunch with a salad on the side. I froze the rest of it in individual plastic serving containers; hopefully it will freeze/reheat well.
I have loved everything I've made from Roni's website, and it's become my go-to source for new recipes. If you haven't been over there, you should visit. (And I'm not promoting her for any other reason than I love her stuff.)
Last night when I really wanted something junky to eat around 10 p.m. while watching season 1 of "The Wire" (holy cow, McNulty should be renamed McHottie), I instead peeled an orange and got my sweet on from the Florida goodness. Surprisingly I was satisfied and didn't need anything else after that. Go figure.
Now for the loathing, er, clothing.
So this morning, I experienced what most American women do on a regular basis--I hated everything in my closet. A closet full of clothes, with nothing to wear.
I didn't shave my legs this morning so I had to wear pants and my spring pants options are in short supply. I put on my only pair of khaki's and a form fitting brown print t-shirt, and of course had to check out the backside view. You know the pose--stand with your behind facing the full length mirror with handheld mirror held strategically so you can see how your ass looks.
Holy crap, talk about disappointing. Seriously, there are times when I swear it doesn't look like I've lost a single pound and the size of my behind is exactly the same as it was 50 pounds ago. And this morning in those khakis was a big ole wake up call. My butt needs a lot of work. It is still way too freaking big.
So I stripped everything off, pulled out my brown pants and a white blousy eyelet shirt, and was relieved to see that the darker color and the blousy-ness of the shirt helped camouflage my saddlebags and size of my hips.
It's so hard to know what the reality of your body size and shape are. I'm constantly trying to compare myself to other women--is she bigger than me? am I smaller than her? what does 155 really look like?
We all know the camera lies. Clothing designers utilize vanity sizing (which, personally, I enjoy). And when you see everything through fat-colored glasses, even the mirror doesn't reveal the truth.
I wish I had the nerve to find someone I think is my size, then ask a neutral third party to tell me how we compare.
Maybe that would put these demons to rest at last.
Or maybe I'd be sorely disappointed yet again because, yes, indeed, I am still the bigger girl and exactly as fat as I suspected I am.
The scary part is, that's not really what I'm afraid of. My true fear is that someday I'll reach my dream weight (whatever the hell that is) and I'll still see a fat ass in the mirror, regardless of what size it actually is.
Obviously I have a lot of work still to do on my fat head.
11 comments:
Hahaha! Fat glasses suck!
Genetics plays a big role in what your 155 looks like compared to others. Although you cant always shape your body the way you want it, you can do some exercises that will help slim down a little more.
Squats, hip raisers, front, back and side kicks (strengthens and tones the hips).... I have a million of them!
Love the title, btw.
I think most of us would benefit from the services of the What Not to Wear People. It seems like no matter what a person's flaws are (or what a woman think her flaws are) the WNTW people know how to use clothing to distract, camouflage, or amplify.
Wouldn't it be lovely to have a personal stylist, even for a day? (Sigh.)
oh I am the same way. I look at myself some days and swear Im still the same fat girl I was last year. its hard to see that sometimes, that we haev changed. our minds will catch up eventually.
For me - this mirror thing (and the camera thing) DID GO AWAY - after a while. But it took a quite a while.
WNTW had a LOT to do with it. Yes, for the tips on clothes. But also to see the different body types.
Do you remember cheerleader Lisa (in my real life)? She kept pointing all this out to me - in real life. She kept pointing out people that had bigger body problems than I did - that were actually smaller than I was - so that I would SEE. She is also the one that came over, on her way to the beauty parlor - to show me her gray roots - so that I would SEE. I have not one gray hair in my head (at 47) but didn't appreciate it.
Anmd the comparison's to other people. Mine was started out as - am I a lot bigger than her? And then am I the same size as here? And at the end - Mine was more like - did she GAIN weight? - or was she always that size and when I was bigger, she just looked smaller?
Mine was also - body part specific - when I really started figuring out different body types and how differently we all are built.
Those feelings that you experienced, looking in the mirror were also BIG motivating factors (for me).
THAT feeling (looking in the mirror and seeing how clothes fit) is what kept me working on my belly fat - when people kept telling me (in real life and in blog land) that one can't do anything/much about it.
Part of my belly acceptance was realizing that I am short waisted and thick waisted. I will NEVER have an hour glass figure.
But I DO HAVE a flat belly now. The belly that looks like it is 9+ mos pregant - is VERY GONE. In clothes - it is totally flat - but I still have to understand that not every kind of clothing is going to fit and not every kind of clothing is flattering.
I am really figuring out my GO TO brands/stores.
When belly (finally) was VERY GONE, I spent a whole/another year expecting to see a mass of fat - in my lap - every single time I sat. I also had the feeling that it might suddenly re-appear.
I NO LONGER am surprised by the flatness of my tummy. And I enjoy it.
loved the line
"our minds will catch up eventually" - because that is so true.
I have often wondered whether I would still feel like the fat girl if I got back down to 140, 150 or 160 lbs that I weighed in my teens because I know that as a teenager I definitely did feel like the "fat girl" but I was surrounded by so many skinny girls who hadn't really finished growing or developing (and I was fully grown at 12 years old).
I'm many many months away from reaching that kind of weight yet, but I do wonder if I will still feel the same second time around, when I reach those digits on the way down.
maybe it is internal "chemicals" or perhaps you need something to train for or something to focus on - perhaps this is the "low" after the "high" of your race - ???
(love Roni as well)
POWERFUL POST.
especially the mental part...it's so easy to still see the same self in the mirror even when the external is different and, might I say, Im quite confident YOU see a different arse now than other people would too.
M.
Hey Laura, I tagged you! You're it. Ignore this if you've already done it :)
This is what (I think) I was trying to say - she says it much better:
MJ had a number of interesting observations. First, she pointed out that there are two types of people when it comes to making change. The first is goal driven and the second is not. If you are goal driven, you may have used defined landmarks to help you lose weight. You may have set goals that involved losing a certain amount of weight per week or fitting into a particular size by a set date. Since maintenance is about staying at the same weight, the lack of goal posts may make things difficult for a goal driven person. MJ suggests that this type of maintainer continue to set goals into the future. Train to walk a 5K, run the same race the following year, “Then train to climb Machu Picchu,” she said.
For those who are not goal driven, setting endpoints may be too anxiety provoking. This type of person should aim to make small changes to behavior and move slowly.
You can find the rest here:
http://refusetoregain.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/05/change-you-can-sustain-talking-with-author-mj-ryan.html
hope the rest of the week is better. . .
Hey I posted the other day, but it disappeared!!! =(
I think what I said (and it has been covered here already) was that clothes make a difference in how you see yourself. But no matter what you are wearing, you are still fabulous!!!
I hear ya sister. All my weight is down there and it isn't pretty. I know you look awesome. Actually I think it can be a good thing not to get too comfortable if you feel you still have work to do. I've lost it and gained it back a few times and it always starts with me thinking I don't look too bad instead of saying I still have work to do. Just don't let it go too far.
Hugs.
You look awesome.
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