Here's what I'm learning

*Even a small amount of white flour--say in a few slices of pizza--will put me in a carb coma.

*I cannot eat quick-cook steel cut oats.  They put me in a carb coma.  I CAN eat regular steel cut oats that take 20 minutes to cook, without any carb reaction.  (I always eat these with one egg, to balance the meal with protein.)

*I can eat blue corn chips (but have to count them and be very careful to control quantity); I can't eat yellow corn chips.

*Salsa can have sugar in it.  After being off sugar for just a few days, I could taste the sugar.  (I normally buy "Wholly Salsa" that just has the good stuff in it.  The grocery was out & I bought another kind, but this was before I went off sugar and wasn't checking labels.  Now I know to check labels on salsa, which, IMO, has no business having sugar added to it in the first place.)

*BBQ sauce's #1 ingredient is sugar.

*If I'm home all day with a sick daughter, who I'm worried might have appendicitis because she's had a low grade fever and stomach pain for 3 days, I'm going to binge on sugar. 

Sophie is fine now. I talked to the doctor yesterday morning primarily because she'd been running a 99-100 temp for 3 straight days, which is abnormal for her.  The doctor thought it was a virus, but said to watch for certain signs that could indicate appendicitis. And I worried all day long; every time her stomach would cramp & hurt, I was afraid I'd be taking her to the ER.  She was hurting up until she went to bed at 8:30.  I finally lost it at 8:45 and ate cookies and Easter candy out of the kids baskets.  She's fine today; I'm fine today. 

*I need to exercise.  I ran two short runs last week, and that was it.  I need to make time to workout.  My brain needs the endorphins and my body needs the outlet.

*Dry roasted edamame is the bomb.  Simply the best, easiest, "keep in my car for hunger emergencies" snack ever.

*Hot green tea is delicious.

*I cannot weigh myself everyday in the midst of learning to be sugar free.  When I don't lose every day, I have way too many the "what's the point?" thoughts.  I put the scale in Mark's bathroom.  I haven't weighed for about a week.  My pants are looser.  That's enough for me.

*My definition of "sugar free" is actually "very low sugar."  I still use 1/2 tsp Splenda brown sugar for my tea, which is 50/50 splenda/sugar.  I still use 1 tbsp lite choc syrup for my coffee in the morning.  I use unsweetened soy milk for my latte, but it has a gram or two of sugar.  There's a gram of sugar in the soy crisps I like (like rice cakes but with soy--have protein in them, and I'm not reactive to them), even though the ingredients don't list sugar.  I probably get between 10-15 grams of sugar on a good day. For now, that's good enough.

*I still have no idea how to accept "I'll never eat chocolate again."  I don't know if I can. 

*The best way for me to stay away from sugar/refined carbs/carbo overload is to remember how they make me feel--I do not like to be passed out on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.  I do not like to feel grouchy with my kids for no reason.

The recent carb comas have happened from NON binges.  From a few slices of pizza.  From too big a meal, even one that is sugar free (but not carb free--too big a sweet potato along with a big meal is too much for me & I get sleepy).

*I am extremely reactive to TOO MUCH. 

Acceptance

It's difficult to accept that I can't eat sugar. Ever.

Giving up chocolate is probably the hardest part right now.

Not having pumpkin pie or birthday cake or ice cream--ever--is more
than I can wrap my head around.

Yet I keep thinking of the alcoholic that quits drinking and thinks
the same thing. I can't have alcohol--ever.

Comparing my sugar addiction to alcoholism is, no pun intended,
sobering. My addiction is no less significant. No less painful to
conquer. My pain is real.

I'm in mourning for the loss of sugar. And in doubt as to whether I
can do this for the rest of my life.

That's where the AA tenants come in. I simply can't worry about the
rest of my life. I can only take on today. And I need to practice
living each day through the serenity prayer.

Still, it messes with my head-- "I can never have _______ again."

I'm starting a grateful list today. Writing down 10 things I'm
grateful for every day. I will include the reasons I'm grateful for
sugar free living. I hope they will help me focus on acceptance.

Eventually I'll get to acceptance and abundance. But right now, this
mourning process has me feeling the loss of what I'm giving up.
*****
I weighed today and I'm back to 168.8. I didn't weigh when I was at my
height of binging a couple weeks ago. My guess is I was a good 5
pounds heavier. While weight loss isn't the focus right now--Karly
advises against focusing on weight loss as you may over eat non sugar
foods in the beginning--it will hopefully be a benefit of giving up
sugar.

Devotional reading

I read this just now in my devotional book I have at my desk at work.  It spoke to me today, and I wanted to share. 

O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.

Pressure me that I may grow more human,

not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them...

Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly,
and my needs honestly.

Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them and they in me.

Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations

that divert me from the small, glad gifts

of the now and the here and the me.

Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,

until I can laugh at last

through my common frailties and failures,

laugh my way toward becoming whole.

--Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace


Therapy appointment scheduled for Monday, 4/2.  Acupunture scheduled for Friday, 3/30.

Day 6

Lots more energy. Physical cravings are gone. Emotional and habitual
cravings are still very much an issue.

But I can identify them when they happen and name them for what they are.

After lunch and dinner I still crave a sweet. I have been eating
strawberries or an apple and drinking hot tea.

Chocolate is ever present in my mind. I was eating a lot of it before
I started this. So it's not surprising. The chocolate thoughts come
when I used to eat it-- mid afternoon, after work, before bed.
Habitual thinking I have to reprogram.

I also have snacks the kids like but I don't. I threw out the Hersey
bars. Chips ahoy are gone too.

My before bed routine has to change. I can't put the kids to bed then
sit on the couch. That is a minefield of bad habits. So tonight I sat
in my front room while listening to music and painting my nails. So no
food issues to get sucked into.

It's hard. Breaking bad habits is a bitch.

My mantra is "sugar makes me crazy. I can't be crazy." And also, "I
just have to get through today. I can get through today (or the next
hour or the next 20 minutes)."

Day 5 detox from sugar

I'm still hanging in there.

Day 3 was brutal. I actually took Monday off from work. I felt like I
had a case of mild flu most of the day. By the afternoon I was better.

Yesterday was not as difficult. Last night I had tons of energy.

Today I'm awake at 5:30. So I am on an up trend now.

Cravings have been light and stemming more from routine than anything.
Like eating hot tamales from the candy dish when I get home from work
(dish is gone now). Having some chocolate after lunch and dinner.
Eating cookies before bed.

There are a lot of foods I am mourning. I miss chocolate the most.

I just keep repeating in my head what Karly writes--I can't eat sugar.
Ever. Sugar makes me crazy.

Not--sugar makes me fat. Crazy.

I don't want to be fat, but I can live as an overweight middle aged
wife and mom. And I don't hurt anyone but myself.

I can't live life crazy. Or angry. Or passed out from a binge. That
hurts the people I love most.

So it's going well. I am hopeful for more good stuff ahead. And
hopefully will have enough time and energy to start working out again
this week.

Day 2 sugar detox

I guess I'm doing this right because I feel like crap.

Actually it does feel good not to be a slave to sugar right now.
Yesterday was pretty great. I knew days 2-4 would be the hardest. And
while I was fine this morning, by late afternoon today I could feel
the chemical shift in my brain and body.

"To get out you must go through." I read that quote yesterday either
in Karly's book or Vickie's blog or somewhere. My detoxing brain can't
remember and after a 5 minute search gives up.

At any rate, I can't get out of the sugar without first going through detox.

I wish I was in a fancy detox spa. But I'm not. Real life is my only
way through.

In her book Karly says to detox during a non stressful time. Which I
agree with and wish I could adhere to.

But I don't know that I'll ever have a non stressful time in my life.
Heck, compared to when my dad was sick, this IS a non stressful time.

And honestly, the alternative--giving my life over to sugar addiction
and all the misery that goes with it--isn't an option and won't make
me feel any better. So I guess it's all good.

I am camped out in my relaxing front room reading more of her book.
I'm not craving sugar, which is a relief.

I just feel like I got hit by a truck.

Being in the sugar is too hard

I've been playing this mind game over the past few weeks about how I'm
going to get through the work and stress.

I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.

Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.

I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.

This is of course addict behavior.

I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.

I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.

I felt ashamed and out of control.

It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.

So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.

I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.

It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
life giving.

I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.

I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.

It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.

I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.

The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.

It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.

Good things ahead (168.8)

I am swamped so this is a quick update.

We are joining another practice on April 18th.  There are three advisers in their mid 30s, each with 8-10 years experience.  They are sharp and successful and family oriented, and everything we have been looking for in a team. There are four other support staff; I will be the 5th.  It's going to be a great move for us, our family, our clients, and for the practice we are joining.  Win win win all around.

We are meeting with clients like mad, doing annual reviews and sharing the news.  We (I) also have a ton of work to do to transition our business. I am starting to work weekends as of tomorrow, for as long as it takes.

Oh, and the other broker fired his new assistant on Monday.  He has a woman who's a friend helping him out now, and she's really bright but has no financial experience.  So far they haven't bothered me much.  But it's just one more unstable element in my daily life.  Things at work and around him are getting worse, not better, and I cannot wait to be free of this place.

I ran once this week, lifted weights once this week, am going to a boot camp thing with one of the girls I ran with in Florida on Saturday morning.  So I'm keeping fairly active.

My food during the day is fine. My night time eating is awful.  Lots of afters going on.

So, I've got issues. But I'm too busy to deal with them effectively. 

The good news is I feel okay, not depressed.  The sunlight and longer days help a lot.  My kids and husband are doing well.  Lots of good stuff.  Just a bit overwhelming. 

I will update more when I can. 

Princess Half Marathon (170.6)

My Disney Princess was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty--hence the pink/blue theme, as in "make it pink! make it blue" that the fairies do as they fight over the color of her dress.  I also have a temporary Aurora tattoo on my left arm. 



So the race was great.  6 days away from home was way too long.  I am glad I did it, but I likely won't do a race that far away and for that long again. 

I finished right at 3 hours by my Garmin.  That was my goal.  This is the heaviest I've ever run a half marathon.  I am slower the more I weigh.  So a fast time wasn't my goal, but running the whole thing was.  Which I did.  I only walked water stations and for two Gu's.  I ran the entire rest of the race.  Even the on ramps, which were hilly, banked, and long.  I did not run fast--around 13:30/ mile.  But I ran and never stopped to just walk.

Nothing wrong with walking--I have done it in every race I've ever run.  But this was a new goal for me and I did it.

The six women I travelled with were wonderful, with the exception of one friend who I knew was going to be an issue but didn't realize how bad it would be.  She did not train for this race.  Her longest run was 6 miles and that was last October.  She has the martyr thing going on, and it is BAD.  As in, "I was going to call you ladies at mile 9 when I figured you were all finished and it started raining and tell you to just go back to the hotel and not wait for me" or "I will stay at the hotel and not go to our special fancy dinner if so and so needs such and such" or "Do you want me to pull your suitcase for you?"--asked half a dozen times.

On the 2nd day there, she talked with her husband and got mad at how he'd handled an issue with their 13 year old daughter.  We were all in a shop in the Magic Kingdom and she's crying and walking around to each of us, saying she's going to leave her husband when she gets home, and that she is going to fly home that night.

Everyone else was already fed up with her, too.  I did fine the entire trip, biting my tongue and nodding or just ignoring her.

Until last night on the 3 hour drive home (which was after we'd flown from Orlando to Indianapolis). Right before we get to my house, she starts talking about the race and how her husband sabotaged her training and she just gave up.  Then she asks me point blank, "do you understand now why I said I was going to leave him?" 

And I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore.

I said no.  I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around having a husband you have to ask permission to take care of yourself.  I can't wrap my head around asking your 13 year old daughter if it's okay if you go to the gym. I can't wrap my head around ANY PART of the way you live your life.

I didn't say any of that.  I said no, I don't understand.  And I said she needs to watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" or read the book, and see what happens when a wife takes care of herself and doesn't depend on her family to make her happy.  I said she has to work on herself first, and not expect to change her husband. 

What she took away from my lecture (and it was a lecture--I know, I blew my "people just want to be heard" attitude, big time) was "I guess I'm just a bad mom and wife."  And she pulled out her phone and started texting and crying and wouldn't even look at me.

My last words to her were that she was too good a mom and wife and she was a horrible friend to herself.  And that if all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her and not share an opinion about what could make her life better, she shouldn't bring that kind of stuff up anymore.  She ignored me.  She probably won't talk to me again for a long time, if ever.

Which, frankly, is fine with me.

I just don't have it in me to be around a martyr whose every conversation--seriously, every one--is a desperate cry to be needed or, alternatively, to be cared for.  She sucked the life out of me. 

And it wasn't just me.  There were two other girls there who I connect with very strongly, who said the exact same thing. 

The good news is that I recognized what I did, even though I didn't stop myself during the process.  I have pretty much let it go--except I needed to vent here.  And I'm not upset, I'm not apologizing to her, I'm not seeking to mend the friendship or whatever.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. This is a top of my head ramble before I go pick up kids. I have a ton of stuff to do to get caught up from the trip. I got home last night at 10:30 pm and was at work at 10 am. 

At least I didn't gain a ton of weight while I was gone.  I'm still really bloated from travel.  It's almost spring.  I have killer strong calves from the 20+ miles I moved my legs the past several days (we did the parks twice, all day long--lots of miles).  And I can't wait to move my body, get healthy, and get into summer shape.

In Orlando

Just arrived in Florida for the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I'll
report more as I have time and when I get back.

Long, dark tunnel

There is a light at the end, but it seems so far off.

My work environment has become unbearable.  I won't go into details, because they are long and boring and many other people have it worse that me.  Everyday I enter our office I am weighed down and am miserable almost all day.  The insanity of the situation--the idiocy and the ignorance and the arrogance and the work load on ME that has nothing to do with me or our clients--is too much for me to bear. 

I sometimes handle it with grace, but more often than not my frustration shows.  I am pushing it all down, just so I can get through the day. 

Which means, of course, it comes bubbling out at home in the form of a binge.

I want to cry every day during the day, but I can't because I'd walk around looking like a raccoon from my ruined eye makeup.  At night I have to keep it together for the kids' sake.  When it's bed time I'm so fried I can't do anything but watch TV or read.  And eat.

The good news is this-- we are leaving to join another firm on April 18th.  It's an incredibly exciting and big-step-up opportunity.  The group of three financial advisors we are joining is exactly what we've been hoping for.  We will have back up, we will have support, we will have an "out" if the unthinkable happens to Mark or me.  And we are joining a stable, successful environment of young, brilliant men.  And four women assistants.

Between now and then, though, I have a butt load of work to do.  And a lot of stress to deal with.

I told Mark last night I feel like I'm on the verge of self destruction. I don't want to self destruct.  I need to keep my weight stable, and preferably at least around 165, so I can survive all this without blowing up to a size 16 or 18 again. 

Mark is doing really well with his health, both physically and emotionally. He's been working hard.  I am going to start leaning on him to support me so I don't lose it. It's in his best interest to help me, and he knows it and is willing to help.

My routines have been crappy, and I've not been helping myself at all.  While I am still running, because I have the race next week (next week! I'll be in Florida away from all this for six days!!), 15 miles a week can't make up for all the crap I'm putting in my body.

This morning, after talking to Mark last night about how bad it is and what I need to do to change, I got up at 4:50 am (I had been up since 4 am anyway, because Luke woke up with a bad dream) and was at work by 8 am.  I am going to the gym on my lunch hour today.  I don't normally even leave the office because I get here at 9:30 or 10 and work through till 4 or 4:30.  That's not healthy for me anymore.

I've worked out a schedule for weeknights that I hope Mark can support--with him picking up kids two nights a week so I can go to yoga and weights class.

If I can work out the emotional crap in the gym, then I know the food will take care of itself.  I know what to do; I just need the emotional energy to do it.

Busy busy busy busy busy (167.8)

I am still doing OK. 

But I am swamped, with work & personal stuff.

Work--busy time of year before tax season.  We are also working on big picture business stuff that is and will be keeping me particularly busy in the near future.  But it's all good stuff.  I can get into specifics in a month or so.

Personal--both kids are in their school's variety show this Saturday.  I am the leader of both their groups.  Which means I've been in charge of their rehearsals and all the parent communications (texts & emails), which has taken a lot of time. Luke's kindergarten group has 13 kids; they are singing the Oakridge Boys "Elvira" and it's adorable.  Sophie's group has 6 girls & 2 boys; they are singing "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music.  That group was more difficult to keep focused than the Kindergartners.

I'm also running a half marathon in Disney World in 20 days.  Less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in Florida without my husband or kids. I'm both excited and sad.  I will miss my family so much. And I'm sure I'll worry how they will survive without me.  But they will.  And I will have a blast.  We leave on Wednesday 2/22 and get home on Monday 2/27.  The race is Sunday.

My eating has sucked at night. I don't believe the scale right now.  It feels like I weigh more than that.  I know that I am just pushing down all my emotions and worries and concerns and craziness. 

I AM doing really well on many levels--I'm more stable since increasing my meds and using my SAD light on a regular basis.  I'm in a great place spiritually, and working on leaving my ego at the door and treating everyone I meet with respect.

It is not an easy thing to examine yourself and find that there is a lot inside you that comes out in your behavior in a negative and ugly way.  I am working on being humble and not such a know it all.  I am working on being less narcissistic.  I am working on being patient and less defensive and keeping my mouth shut more. 

It's hard work, and I often fail. But I keep working at it.

And I refuse to use the word TRY.  Try is an excuse to fail.  I am not successful every day, but I keep moving forward and I am not giving myself an excuse to fail.

That's where I need to get with my food issues. I need to step away from "try" and start working on it every single moment of every single day.

That is a difficult thing for me to do when (a) food has always been my "backup" in trying and difficult times (and even good stress is still stress) and (b) I simply don't have the mental energy to work on one more thing.

It's a big thing, yes.  It's a lifelong thing, yes.  It's a daily battle that I have not thrown up my hands and said "that's it, I quit" and then go face dive into a box of little powdered donuts, a.k.a. my nemesis.

At least January is FINALLY over.  I love putting things on my calendar for March and April. 

I'm doing better (167.0)

Using the SAD light consistently seems to be key in keeping me sane.
My meds are also increased slightly which is hopefully helping. Online
sermons from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church are literally a God send
for me. As is my quiet time with my Bible in the morning.

It's still been a rough week though. I'm crazy busy and so is Mark. I
cry almost every morning but that's really not a bad thing. I'm not
crying at night anyway.

I'm eating better, more deliberately, less junk. It's showing in the
scale and my clothes. I ran twice this week; doing 9 miles Saturday.
My half marathon is 30 days away.

We are all healthy (whispered and knocking wood--there's a lot of
sickness going around).

I am too busy to write anything other than a quick update though. But
I have lots of thoughts on eliminating hurry, on what true rest means
for me, and on how relying on money or food to soothe the void when
pain comes is a symptom of self sufficiency instead of living with
God's grace. So hopefully I'll have time soon to actually put some
thoughts to paper.

As it is, I'm typing this on my iPhone right before bed. Which is
better than nothing.

Back to the psych (170.0) and "hurry"

My moods have been cycling a bit lately.  I thought it was just missing days on my SAD light or hormones.  And maybe in part it is.  But the past week I've been using my SAD light regularly and I've still had weird days.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling on top of the world--and like I was going to get myself on track and lose weight and get back into great shape.  By the end of the day, I was back in the pit. 

Then Wednesday I woke up in the pit, but ended the day feeling really great, only to have the air let out of me when I got home because of a conversation with my husband. And I was back in the pit.  I went running last night and that helped alleviate some stress, but I stayed pretty much in the pit the rest of the night. 

This morning I realized that it's not just been the past two days I've been "cycling" through this stuff.  So I called my therapist's office and made an appointment for tomorrow to see the nurse practitioner and get my meds increased.  I'm on a very low dose of my mood stabilizer and there is plenty of room to increase it.

So onto the "hurry" part.  I am listening to Menlo Park Presbyterian podcasts (LOVE John Ortberg--thanks to Debby for introducing me to him a few years ago).  The one from 6/1/2010 is named "The Rest of Your Life."  It's centered around the 23rd Psalm. 

There's so much richness and meaningfulness in this sermon.  What has stuck with me is a conversation he had with his spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard.  It was a time in his life when the pace of their lives had accelerated tremendously. John asked him what he needs to do to be spiritually healthy and alive and vital. 

Dallas Willard responded with "you must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."  There's nothing else.  Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. 

Hurry is different from Busy.  Busy is an outward condition, of your body. We are each wired with different capacities, to be able to be busy (at different levels of busyness) without being damaged by it. 

To be hurried is a disease of the soul.  To be hurried means that I am internally so preoccupied with my worries and my own little agenda that I become unable to live in the presence of my heavenly Father who loves me, and to be unable to be fully present with, listen and love, and marvel at another person. 

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  Because it will keep you from actually experiencing God's goodness and care for you from one moment to the next.

It's easy to imagine that someday someone or something is going to come along and eliminate this problem from your life.  But they won't! It's up to ME to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

I am listening to this sermon again and again.  And I'm working on figuring out what it means to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. 

Checking in (170.0)

I'm ok. I'm stupidly busy with work and kids this month. My running is
on track--two solid runs during the week and 6 miles this morning. My
house is clean and laundry is done. I'm back to using my SAD light
everyday. Everyone was healthy this week.

My eating could be a lot better though. I'm out of my routine. My
evenings are one long string of "afters." Somedays are better than
others, and I get a good breakfast and lunch in, and I tend not to
indulge at night as much on those days.

I can feel the extra pounds in my clothes and see it on my waist line.
I'm not happy about it. But I'm not beating myself up either. I'm
doing the best I can right now with my crazy life. That's not an
excuse and I'm not giving up. It's just reality.

I actually feel pretty stable emotionally (this week anyway). My SAD
light makes a huge difference.

I do need to shift my mentality away from food as comfort and reward
and back to food as nourishment and fuel. There's the rub. I had a
devil and an angel on my shoulders last night and I heard the angel
voice saying "you don't want to eat this. You don't need it. You don't
need this food for comfort." I ignored it and ate for comfort anyway.

A big part of me knows that if I keep ignoring this voice it will
eventually stop talking to me. It's a quick slide down into the pit
once that happens. And then there's the part of me that rationalizes
and says I've been here before and I can stop when I want to.

That's addiction thinking. I know it is.

I have issues. I am doing the best I can. January's always suck for
me. February is when I started in 2007 to lose weight. I am half way
through January. I think I can make it the rest of the way without
doing too much damage.

January -- at last

I know I know. It's been too long. I've been meaning to post for days. I've not been in a good place. No surprise I guess since my silence here generally means I'm not doing great.

The holidays got me way off kilter. Too much food, not enough time to myself, not enough days in front of my SAD light, too much illness. I wasn't sick but Mark was, for basically a full month. It all takes a toll.

Then Sophie got the stomach flu Saturday and a migraine Sunday that just let up today. She went to school Monday for a couple of hours. I picked her up and the ride in the school wheel chair to my car made her so dizzy she threw up leaning out of my car onto the sidewalk.

Add to that work uncertainty (we are in the midst of making decisions on changing things) and general moodiness from hormones, the moon, or what have you, and it's no wonder I've been off.

So I went to my therapist today. It helped. I'm going back in a month. I also have been in front of my SAD light three days in a row. That helps.

I ran 8 very hard miles last Saturday but hadn't run before or after (until the 2.5 miles I did on the treadmill today). The 8 were hard because you can't run a 10 mile run one Saturday, do nothing all week, and then run 8 miles the next Saturday.

Also, my asthma kicked up big time and I wasn't carrying my inhaler. I haven't needed it during a run this year. Before a run, I always use it (albuteral), but usually only need it with me on long runs. Which in hindsight--duh. 8 miles is a long run. I am going to start carrying it with me again.

The proud news on the running front is I ran 5 miles non stop on the 10 miler and 6 miles non stop on the 8 miler. Not taking walk breaks is a big deal for me. The other good news is I haven't gained a bunch of weight. I was 168.6 yesterday. I didn't weigh today and it is probably a bit more. But I know what I need to do to get going in the right direction again.

A New Year doesn't do much for me. For me, the build up is too much. The expectations too high. The disappointment factor too great. Too hot and then too cold. Too much room for failure.

So I look at January as what it is-- 3 months more until Spring. And the days are already getting longer. I miss the sun and the green and the warmth. I am ready to bloom when March gets here.

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Your habits will always defeat your willpower (170.8)

First, Merry Christmas to all!

Second, that's 4 pounds of bonified cookie weight. Ahh, the holidays.

Third, I just finished running 10 miles. Woot!

I wanted to quickly post this before it got away from me. I'm listening to an online sermon from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in California (by John Ortberg). The sermon is about healing.

A key point from the sermon is: your will habits will always defeat your willpower. You might be able to overcome your habits for an hour or a day or a week, but ultimately your habits will win.

Your only hope is for a new set of habits.

Wow. This is so incredibly huge for weight loss and fitness. I will be noodling on this and keeping it in the front if my mind as I go into the new year.


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Christmas! (167.6)

Still crazy. Still swamped. I've been up and down emotionally the past couple of weeks, depending on the cycle of the moon, on my hormones, and on my SAD light usage/non-usage.

We were in Nashville over the weekend. It was fun and happy but with the usual stress that comes from traveling and staying in a hotel.

I'm taking this week off from work, but I'm still doing some work stuff. It just can't be helped.

Today is a good day. Very busy but I feel ok. I'm mailing almost 200 Christmas cards today. I'm also getting my hair done and stuffing and licking envelopes while my color processes. My mom has the kids tonight, so I'm wrapping everything tonight.

Just like you all, I'm swamped with Christmas stuff. I'm not getting much running in, but I ran 8 miles the weekend before last and am running 10 miles this weekend. Planning on running at least twice this week.

Work is still unpleasant. The new girl is nice, slowly catching on. The other broker is driving me nuts. It's nice to have a week away from him.

So that's the status. I am looking forward to slowing down and appreciating the Reason for the Season, and enjoying my family.


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Crazy (166.4)

Too much going on at work to post this week. At home I'm too fried to think to post at night. So writing a quick one before work.

I've run twice this week, am eating ok but have slipped up at night, and am keeping my weight down. But, I am a ball of stress and nerves because of all I have going in at work and with kids and with the holidays.

Doesn't help that I have pms and the moon is on its full cycle, which I truly believe, now that I'm paying attention, influences my moods.

Mostly I'm just tired of all the responsibility at work. The new girl has no experience, is very nice and I like her, but it will take a long time for her to get up to speed. I have no control over that situation.

Mark has basically been sick for 2 weeks--with a brief wellness period on the weekend--and that's put a lot on me as well.

Top it off with Christmas chaos and I'm going a bit crazy.

I'm taking the week before Christmas off work. It will be a push to get it all done next week. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for checking on me, Vickie.

Haven't had a chance to answer your comment on my last post on 20 pounds. I want to get back into my size 8s which means 149-152 lbs. I want to be in the 145-148 range as my "final" goal. Final as in, see how possible it is to maintain that weight long term. I looked great at that weight and ran a Half marathon at a fast for me pace. So that's another 20 pounds to lose.

Now that I'm home, I am also feeling the loss of these 20 pounds. I can run 11:15 minute miles now without walking. My clothes are loose. I'm in 34D bras. As long as I'm not hanging out with size 0s, I feel good about how I look.

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20 pounds

Today I weighed 166.8, which is 20 pounds lost from my high this year.

My mom saw me this morning when she brought the kids home and her jaw dropped. You're so thin, she said. How'd that happen all of the sudden?

I said it didn't happen all of a sudden. I've been working on it since July. It's just now showing. It takes 20 pounds for anyone else to notice.

It was not an encouraging reaction from her. At least I didn't take it that way. Which is no surprise. I am processing how I react to that type of reaction. Right now I'm working on making it a neutral response.

It is what it is. I do not have to internalize it negatively. I can go about my day in a healthy way and let any weird feelings go on their way. They do not need to stick around in my head.

Busy but fun day planned with our family, just the four of us. Putting up the Tree. Watching Christmas movies. Drinking hot chocolate. Running 5 miles this afternoon. Well, I'm running. The kids aren't.

And playing with my new iPhone. Bye bye blackberry!

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