Day 37 - Impatient

Shouldn't I be at my goal weight by now? I mean, it's been over a month that I've been "good." I should weigh what I want by now, as hard as I've worked and as well as I've stuck to my plan.

It's funny how a dieter's mind thinks, playing games with the scale, the calendar, the sizes of clothing. I'm so ready to be my goal weight, especially since the weather is warmer and I want to be wearing flimsy flirty dresses.

But no. I'm still in size 16s (although better fitting 16s). I can't wear what I want. The muffin top is still around my middle. Spanx pantyhose is still a required piece of underclothing.

I've got months and months and months to go.

It's a real downer.

The stick-to-it-iveness is what I've always lacked, not just in weight loss. Many a project in my life gets started with great guns, my intentions pure and inspired. Then my interest wanes and I move on to something else. That's simply who I am. Why try to fight it? Why not work with it?

So I've got to figure out a way to rechannel my energy on this weight loss thing, to keep it going. I've been thinking about focusing on upper body weight lifting for a month, to see how much I can build my muscles in 30 days. Perhaps that will be my focus the next few weeks. I'll maintain my food diary and LAWL visits, but stop weighing myself at home, take the spotlight off the scale for a while.

It will start today, this afternoon after work. I'll report back in the next few days.

Day 32

Still at it. I had my first gain on Monday, and expected it. The weekend food had to have caused me to retain water, and today (after a day and a half of a very strict diet) I'm back down the gain, plus .8 more for a total of 2.4 pounds down today. 11.6 total at LAWL.

The very strict diet is two days of "Take Off" in which I drink 32 oz of LAWL's Take Off juice (spread out over 4 servings), eat 6 oz of protein, 2 veggies, and 2 LA Lite bars.... and that's it. No fruit, no starch, no dairy, no fat, no COFFEE.

It's been somewhat of a revelation to me, this scarcity of food. I've been exhausted, mentally out of it, partly because of the missing caffeine, but also because I can tell my body needs the fuel.

In the past, food as fuel hasn't been the way I think. Food as comfort, secret lover, celebration, healer, and drug is more like it. But somehow since I've gotten off of food as a drug, and since I've had so little of it the past day and a half, now I'm able to feel my body needing the food as fuel.

I cannot wait until I can have fruit tomorrow! And milk with my latte! And a piece of toast (diet bread, of course)! And, get this, I can't wait until I can eat 4 servings of veggies! That is truly shocking--looking forward to eating vegetables.

My sincerest hope is that I will stay on track, not get discouraged by set backs, and be ever vigilent in this pursuit of weight loss. I have a long way to go still-- 50.6 pounds --and I need to keep the faith that it will happen and I can do it.

I'm 11.6 pounds closer to reaching my goal than I was a month ago. That's something, at least.

Day 29

This has been a nice weekend. DH and I went to New Harmony Saturday night for a fabulous dinner at the Red Geranium and a lovely room at the Inn. Our 12 year anniversary is today, March 18.

Saturday I barely ate all day, saving up my food for dinner. I don't do well when I don't eat, so I felt a little headachy by the afternoon, but it was totally worth it, to be able to have a glass of wine, eat an 8 oz. filet, asparagus, 3 bites of roasted potatoes, 3 bites of dessert, and two of the best bacon wrapped shrimp I've ever tasted, and to still be on plan (mostly-- I figure the bacon pushed me over the edge a bit, but it's not gonna kill me). I drank tons of water that night after dinner to wash away the salt, and didn't feel bloated this morning. I had 3 eggs and one piece of whole grain toast with coffee this morning at breakfast; usually I'd have ordered pancakes or waffles and said "what the heck I'm on a minibreak" and totally blown it. Not today. Not on day 29!

Day 29-- almost a full complete month on plan. I'll fill in completely my monthly LAWL journal tomorrow. There are no "OFF PLAN" or "DIDN'T TRACK" days. Wow. And I'm down 12 pounds and five total inches. Those stats make it much easier now to keep up the good work.


Switching gears now. I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love," and just finished the "Pray" section, where she spends 4 months in India practicing meditation. Her descriptions of achieving higher levels of consciousness are simply spectacular. I want what she's having. I have no illusions I'll be going to India for 4 months any time in my lifetime, but I think I could find a way to learn to meditate. I found a website http://meditation.org.au/index.asp that has free classes online and looks like a great place for me to start. I was playing Class One audio and imagining a candle flame for almost 5 minutes and feeling really relaxed, just sitting here in the family room in the recliner. I'd have kept going but of course got interrupted by DH getting up from his nap. Oh well. I will find a way to get myself out of bed and start meditating as an early morning practice. I've got to find a place in my house to set up my meditation spot, which may be a challenge, but I'm not gonna let that stop me.

I'll have to post more about Anger when it's got the better of me and I'm in the mood. Right now I'm feeling pretty happy and relaxed. And ready for bed.

Day 27

I'm on plan for 27 days. Today's weight at home is 191, down 11 pounds since starting at LAWL. Good stuff!

My food is going well, but I haven't started working out yet, which I will do maybe today. I have been carrying around a lot of anger lately. It's really eating me up inside and I've got to do something about it. Hoping the treadmill will help.

Getting my nails done at noon, and going to LAWL to weigh in after that. Plans for a Saturday night away with DH in New Harmony for our anniversary which is Sunday. 12 years. I hope it goes well. I'm not feeling all warm and fuzzy toward him lately, which is partly his fault, partly mine. The anger doesn't allow room for warm and fuzzy.

I wonder if this anger is coming out because I'm not self medicating with sugar, flour, and fat? Is it bubbling out because it's not stuffed down? Has it always been there but is just now coming to the surface because it's not smothered in donuts? I wonder what else is going to come out now that I'm not numb from food. A little scary to imagine.

Day 20, OP

20 days, on plan. No cheating. It's shocking. I've never ever gone that long, almost 3 weeks, into the 20s out of the teens, with clean food. When I grocery shop, like tonight, my cart is filled with the outside aisles-- I only venture inward for my pineapple cups, plain oatmeal, and frozen veggies/Amy's Kitchen meals. No more of the foods that held me prisoner. I'm not sneaking home donuts or muffins or poptarts or ice cream.

I look at them, though. Like tonight, Ben & Jerry's had a flavor I hadn't seen before, "Karamel Sutra." Ha, what a play on words. Yes, B&J, your ice cream was my substitute for the Kama Sutra for a long time. And caramel is one of my favorites. But no more. I will not have food as my secret lover any longer. I will not plan rendezvous after everyone else is in bed, or secret meetings in the car after shopping at Target. I no longer have no power over the donuts that go in my cart; I can say no and mean no. I look, but I'm not longing for it. Just surprised that a mere 3 weeks ago I was powerless to walk away.

So my dinner tonight was a cup of cooked broccoli, 2 cups of lettuce and 1 and 1/2 Tbsp lite dressing (Paul Newman, now you're a man after my heart.... your lite raspberry walnut dressing curls my toes). All measured, all on plan, and all very satisfying. Except for the last half of my LA Lite bar, my food for the day is done. And I'm fine with that.

It's surprising, but this strictness of food portions and rations works for me. With WW, I had too much freedom, I suppose, too many choices and too many ways to let the little demons in to screw it all up. Not so with LAWL. I have the bubbles to fill in to mark off my portions, and that's that.

So a total of 2.6 pounds lost this week, for a total of 10.4 since starting LAWL. Only 51.6 more to go.

LA Weight Loss

My dear online friend Vickie, who is ever curious and ever lovely in her pursuit of knowing how I'm doing, wants to know what LA Weight Loss is. Let me explain.

Princess Leia's plea through R2D2 says it best : "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." LAWL is my Obi Wan. It's my only hope at this point. I've done it all, I've failed it all. I'm done with giving in to the Dark Side and want to be a Jedi Master of weight loss and weight control.

So after seeing a couple of my friends have success there, I visited our local LAWL franchise. I met with a weight loss counsellor, who, much like the obstetrician calculating my due date, put my weight loss goal on a paper disc, turned the dial, and declared I would be at my goal weight of 145 pounds by September 21, 2007.

Then we talked about the program itself. I'm a "Purple," and I get to eat the following every day:
Proteins: 2 (6 oz chicken, 3/4 c cottage cheese, 3 TBSP peanut butter, etc)
Veggies: 4 (1 c raw, 1/2 c cooked)
Fruits: 3 (1 apple, 1/2 banana, etc)
Starches: 2 (35 cal bread, etc)
Dairy: 1 (8 oz skim milk in my daily latte--thank God I didn't have to give that up)
Fat: 1 (tsp butter, tsp olive oil, my personal favorite--15 pistachios)
LA Lites: 2

Awwww, the LA Lite candy bars. This is where they getcha. They are dee-licious and also the main reason I don't crave junk food. They ARE the junk food. They also cost an assload of money. I paid for ~ 2 years worth and it was around $1500. OMG, I know. But listen, I'm desperate, the program Works (seen it first hand in my friends and the skinny people who still weigh in there), and damn it, I'm worth it.

I meet with a counselor 3 times a week, where I weigh in, the counselor checks my food diary, and we chat. Total accountability, every other day (except weekends). This, my friends, is why the program really works for me. If I cheat, they'll know. If I cheat but lie on my food journal, who am I hurting? MYSELF. And, they'll know anyway because I weigh in 3 times a week.

And I'll be wasting an assload of money (didn't I use that already)? In total, I spent $2347. On my emergency credit card. THIS is an emergency if ever there was one. $348 for the program cost (which is a DEAL, since I joined during friends and family) and $1999 on LA Lites and 6 months of supplements.

Here's the other thing about LAWL-- once the weight is off, you go through an 8 week transition phase to maintenance. You meet with a counselor 2 times per week and add food back in, a little at a time until you reach your maintenance food level. Then you are on maintenance for a YEAR. You meet with a counselor once a week for a YEAR. Studies show if you can keep it off a year or more, you're very likely to keep it off.

The fact that I've gone for 19 days now with NO CHEATING, sticking to this program to a freakin T says something. I've never done that before. I've lost 10 pounds so far. I feel great. I don't crave foods now when I used to-- like when I'm stressed or emotional. If anything, I have to make myself eat.

It's an expensive program. It's a big time commitment. It's a pain to have to bring veggies and fruit to work, and not to eat out all the time. But aren't I worth it? You bet your skinny ass I am.

Day 10

It's day 10 of the new LA Weight Loss journey. So far so good. Down 8 pounds and holding. Lots of extra water gone. Back under 200. Looser pants. Food binging under control.

Until last night. No binging on food, but in my mind I was chowing down. Major PMS cravings but I didn't give in. Yet. It is SO HARD. The thing keeping me going is this monthly diary and the accountability that I have to SHOW SOMEONE ELSE what I'm putting in my mouth. That, and the $2000 that I've spent on this program already. You know, cash (or rather, credit) is quite a motivator.

I will NOT spend all that money for nothing. I AM going to meet my goal weight by September 21st. This is my year. It's happening. I'm not going to fail. This is too important to blow again. I know I can do it. I have the support, the tools, the will, the desire. I'm putting it to work.

New year, new business

So we resigned from AGE on Monday 1/8. After Mark's 14 years with the firm, we left. Careful consideration and financial obligations required it. And so far, it's been a fabulous move. Clients are coming over to us, and I FINALLY FEEL USEFUL again. I am the goddess of paperwork and love it. I am meeting with clients with Mark and love it. I'm no longer a lump at the office afraid I'm going to get fired because I am afraid to cold call. It's all working out and I'm pumped.

Food and exercise are SO on the back burner right now. In about 4-6 weeks, after all the new year's resolution people have given up (sadly but predictably), I'll go back to WW and the gym. I'll be ready. Because I'll be useful and good at my job and helping contribute to our family's bottom line.

Godwilling, this will be the best move we've ever made professionally. And personallly, I'm praying it will pay off on many levels.

(hi Vickie--you are so cool to keep checking on me! I love knowing you're out there... and that goes to the rest of you AFG's who read this.... I can't wait to have time again to post and read about you)

Why can't I.....

...get it together enough to stay on a plan? I know why-- it's all the stress of work, family, our office move and the financial implications, the uncertainties of business, Mark's stress, the kids being sick, me being sick, the holidays. I'm self medicating the stress with food.

And I'm tracking towards 200 pounds again. My clothes don't fit. I'm miserable. This has got to stop.

If only I can give myself 3 hours a week to exercise. 3 days a week to eat right. It would be a good start. But is that possible? I feel so drained, so empty, and food is the only thing that fills me up.

I know this is temporary, but until it ends I will continue to be a slave to food. I need to find some resolve that Anne talks about over on AFG. Where did I put it? Maybe it's hidden at the bottom of my closet.

Christmas

It's been here and gone. In typical fashion it was hectic and a tad stressful, but I really enjoyed our kids this year. Sophie was so cute and excited about Santa. Luke was a hoot with how he was into everything *but* his presents. Mark has had a hard time with the holidays, since it's the first of them without his mom. She's noticeably absent and I even miss her. She'd have loved the Tickle Me Elmo we got Luke, and she always got Sophie such sweet gifts.

So, diet wise--HA! Now that Christmas is over and I have no more excuses to eat, I suppose I have to get back on the wagon. It's gonna be tough with the work stress and family stress. Where am I gonna get my comfort? Who's gonna be my best friend, if I don't have comfy soft foods to eat? Gotta change my mind set, I know. First thing is to get back to the gym. That will help things fall back into place.

A big shout out to Vickie! You are so sweet to check in on me and to let me know you're out there. You are why I posted tonight. I am blessed to have you in my life and hope to have time to learn from you and your successes.

A different approach

So, the no flour/sugar/fat thing lasted for, oh, about a day and a half. Whatever. What did I expect, truly?

Then, through the wonder that is Amazon's referrals, I found a book called "Life is Hard, Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle. I've only read the intro and first chapter, but it has helped.

Obviously I'm an emotional eater. This is not news. How to identify the feelings and the types of food I want to eat based on those feelings, that is new. Head hunger (stress, work) = crunchy foods--I want to "chew" on the person/situation that is getting to me. Heart hunger (empty, lonely, unloved) = soft comfort foods-- these are truly my drug of choice (cake and icecream).

I've stopped and thought for the past couple of days about what I'm feeling and WHY when I've gotten the urge to eat. I've allowed myself to explore the feelings instead of stuffing them down with food. I've lost 2.5 pounds (down from 194 to 191.5).

Methinks there's something to this, if only I'll allow myself to feel the feelings instead of stuffing them down, maybe my waistline will come back. More to come......

Day 1

Today is day 1 of no sugar/flour/fat food. No binge. No stuffing down emotions with food. No eating after dinner. No donuts.

Weight today was 192. It's time to get serious and reverse this weight gain. I'm actually hungry right now, which means my body is finally burning some of this fat. I will go to bed a little hungry and burn some fat while I sleep, and wake up hungry for the first time in months.

One day at a time.

From AFG blog:
"Refined carbohydrates -- all sugars, all oils, all flours -- increase the production of serotonin (the body's chemical calmers and pain relievers that make us feel secure and OK) and endorphins (the chemical uppers that make us feel good -- and makes us want to eat). As well, compulsive eaters often have more or less than normal amounts of enkephalin and leptins, chemicals that stimulate appetite and tell us when we're full.I'm going to spare my own brain chemicals in trying to make all these -ins understandable. The long and the short of it is that the brain, Bartley Hoebel, a psychology professor at Princeton, reacts to sugar the way it does to cocaine and heroine."

I knew this about sugars already. I had read it before in Frances' book and others. But reading this just now reminds me that I am a full fledged addict. My brain is craving sugar and flour and fat to sooth my pain, just like a heroine addict's body craves the needle.

I'm at a scary place again, and I don't like it. I ate an entire box of powdered sugar donuts today. I am numb right now after finishing it off and washing those little suckers down with a glass of cold milk. The numbness is welcome. My tight waistband is not. I can't imagine being abstinent right now, though. I need the numbness so desparately. Finding a way to relieve the pain without using food needs to be my priority if I want to avoid gaining more weight back.

The Holidays

It's that time of year. We put up the Christmas tree and decorations yesterday, and it is so cozy and festive in the family room. Sophie loves it, and I really do to.

Food wise I am a complete mess. So too with exercise. Only once or twice a week do I manage to get any walking/running in. My shin is so sore from Thursday's walk/run that I can't imagine working out on it again until it heals. The scale is finally going up, too, to reflect my behavior. I've really got to get it under control before I grow out of my clothes again.

It's that time of year. When I'm stressed, emotional, busy busy busy, and should be nothing but happy. I will take it a day at a time for now, and figure out how to make it back to a healthy way of life. Maybe after the holidays....

For crying out loud

Golly, it's been a long time since I've journaled here. Mostly because I've not been paying any attention to myself, in a good way. I've had to give to my family, which is okay when they need me. And I've just not had the energy for myself.

At least that's my excuse.

At any rate, now that Mark has decided he's taking control of his health, has cut out his terrible habits and is hopefully conquering his itching/reactions, I feel like I can focus on me again.

So yesterday I went and joined the gym next to the office. And worked out. And worked out again today. 6 miles on the treadmill already this week. And running for 3 minutes at a time (at 5 mph no less). And food on plan.

Two days held together. Can it go on longer? For crying out loud, it freakin' better!

So much to do....

So little motivation. All I want to do is focus on diet and exercise. If I could quit work and hire a housekeeper, a nanny, and a surrogate wife for my husband, I could get this weight off in no time. But life ain't like that, is it? I feel so behind in everything. Work, lots to do not enough motivation to get it moving. Home, oy. What a mess. Kids, thank God, are doing well and are bathed and fed adequately, and loved on extensively. Food and exercise, not so great.

Diet is better today. Go foods, no stop foods, and it's almost bedtime and I haven't overindulged. Exercise is not getting the time I need to put in, but I'm showing up at least. For reasons beyond my control, only have done 15-20 minutes the past two days. I want to RUN so badly I can taste it. But my quad is not ready. I've got to be patient.

Tonight I spent about 45 minutes cleaning the dining room and Sophie's room. That's my new tactic for the house. A little each night. That's the best I can do right now. And that'll have to do.

Plastic surgery.... for me?

So my husband's 25th High School class reunion was this past Saturday. The women, most of them, looked amazing. A lot of them have had some type of plastic surgery, most notably boob jobs.

I've never been a plastic surgery snob, and think it's okay if it's not Michael Jackson crazy extreme. I had several "skinny bitch" moments at the reunion, then learned that a lot of these women have been divorced, have growing/grown kids, and probably ONLY have their looks to keep them happy (whatever that means for them).

After my disappointment with not being able to wear my gorgeous black dress because of the muffin top, and after seeing the handiwork of Evansville's finest plastic surgeons, I had to wonder--would I have surgery to get my body into better shape in my 40s?

HELL YEAH!

I talked with my husband about it this morning. Granted, he was drowsy from being up until 5 a.m., but he said if I wanted to get lipo on my stomach and get my mommy breasts lifted, I can.

Holy cow. Just the idea is scary and exciting.

Who knows if we'll have the money 4 years from now. Who knows if I'll even need it after I get to my goal weight. But the idea of the possibility is tantalizing.

I've never had perky boobs. Okay, maybe when I was 10 and had breast buds (TMI, sorry!). But I've always had big ones and even when I was a 34C they were ample. This is not a bad thing, I just don't want to have National Geographic boobs in my 40s and 50s when the rest of me could conceivably look pretty good.

And my stomach, oy. I can live with curvy hips. Been doing that my whole life. But this spare tire of baby fat has got to go. If a reasonable amount of exercise and weight loss doesn't do it, I'm afraid it's SCHHHLLOOOOP of the belly fat on the operating table.

We'll see. It's too soon to get serious about it. But it's out there now. Perhaps it will be my 40th birthday present.

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

Measurements, the Scale, and Clothing Sizes

So clothing sizes are not reliable for how much thinner we are becoming, at least that's what I'm gathering from others. My recent success with size 14s, although I am excited about it, is probably rather meaningless. Apparently the clothing companies are giving in to our expanding bodies and fragile egos and moving sizes down a notch. My 14s are likely really 16s. Whatever.

The scale isn't lying (for the most part). It's fickle, but a pound is still a pound. Right?!?!?! Despite all the ignorant talk at WW meetings I overhear, that a pound of muscle weighs more than a pound of fat. Whaaaat? It's semantics, I suppose, but it niggles at me and I so want to correct these women when I hear it, but let it pass. I learned back in grade school that a pound is a pound, from the old joke "which weighs more a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks?" Muscle is denser than fat, which is what they really mean.

Anyway, I took my measurements today. In total, I've lost another 3 inches in just over a month. That's almost 10 inches in 11 weeks. I remember reading who-knows-where that one pound lost will equal one inch lost. Not one inch in a specific spot, but one inch all added up when added from everywhere you measure.

Between the compliments, the scale, the tape measure, the clothes shopping on the "normal" side of the store, and being able to climb stairs holding Sophie without wanting to die, I am doing pretty well. As long as the ice cream stays out of the house, I think I can keep this thing up.


And, all you AFG's, thank you so much for reading my blog and checking in on me. Lori, Jen, and A.J., thank you all especially for the comments. Love you guys!

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

New Size, New Attitude

OMG, I can wear a size 14 from Dress Barn. I am so excited. I have a whole new attitude today since this tremendous event happened. I don't want dessert, I want to run till I pass out, I don't want ice cream, I want to go to the gym and work my butt off. Size 14 is AVERAGE. It's not OBESE any more. I was a size 18 a mere 9 months ago. I am so pumped!

Been a long time

It's been ages since I've been here. I have a lot to say, but so little time since it's after 10:30 p.m. First and foremost on my mind, I have continued to run and am in week 8 of my training program. Ran 2.25 miles today in 28 minutes. Simply beyond belief that I can run at all, let alone that long. True, I'm slower than a snail, but hey my feet are moving, I'm sweating, and by golly I can call myself a runner.

And I'm losing weight. Down to 195 now (on my scale as soon as I wake up). That's 4 pounds in one month, which is fabulous, esp. considering I was on vacation a mere 3 weeks ago. I could have chucked it all after the dinners and desserts I had in the Smokies.

Work...oy. Gotta get some biddness in.

Kids... wonderful angels they are. Poor Sophie with swimmer's ear. Darling Luke getting so big and ready to crawl if only he could get up on his knees and move them forward. Sophie went to bed at 7:30 tonight and fell asleep without me there! Luke fell asleep in his crib after only a few minutes crying. Both of them were out by 7:40. Wow wow wow.

Mark.... stressed over work. He's a mess. I want to help, I need to help in the office more. God is going to have to intervene on this one. I just don't have the strength.

I need to sleep. Has to be an early a.m. tomorrow. I am so thankful for my Amazon/Fat Girlz friends and for the coolrunning website. And for treadmills at the Y. When this heat ends, I swear I'll do an outside run. Maybe in November....

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.