December update (169.4)

A quick update. 

My meds leveled out. I'm pretty much at around a 5 or a 6 (on a scale of 1-10) most days; no more nearly-manic feelings (that was too good to last).  I did go up from 1 mg to 2 mgs of rexulti after my appointment with my nurse practitioner last week.  But I haven't noticed a significant change in my mood for the better (or worse). I see my NP again in mid January; she's good about making sure I check back in with her, which I like at this time of year.

I am really starting to notice the lack of sunlight now. I am using my SAD light, but only about half of the days of the week. Some mornings I have time, like on weekends and on days I go to work later than 8 am (like Mondays and the days I work for Mark--today, for example), and some mornings I don't.

I'm not having trouble getting through the day, so there's not full on SAD dysfunction.  But I don't have energy to do much else but the required minimum of work, home, kids.  I haven't run or walked since before Thanksgiving (and I was really doing well there for a while).  I miss it, but I can't make myself pick it back up again yet.

On the good news front, I am way ahead in the Holidays game.  I sent out our business family Christmas card yesterday.  Still need to do the personal cards but those are not as big a deal as the business cards. 

We have all the kids' presents bought, and I also wrapped almost everything last weekend. I still have several of Luke's to do, and we have a few gifts that are yet to arrive that I'll wrap this weekend. This is a huge deal.  It will make next week so much more enjoyable. 

I am taking next week off, except for Tuesday when I will work for Mark for 6 hours or so.  But I'm not working for the college at all.  Monday I'm going to lunch with a girl I used to work with (excited to see her), the kids are off school as of Wednesday next week, and then on Christmas eve we will spend lunch and the afternoon with my mom and family, then Christmas eve evening service at our church. 

Christmas day is just us.  We don't have to go anywhere or do anything we don't want to.  It's awesome.  Ever since Mark's sister moved to Indy, we haven't had any obligations on Christmas day. We miss his family at the holidays, but it is super nice to be able to spend the day in our PJs.

We are planning to go to a friend's house that evening to watch the Dr. Who Christmas special, since our cable company doesn't have BBC America anymore.  This is a woman from church that I became good friends with during a Bible study that was just the two of us several years ago.  She lives alone since her husband died a couple of years ago, so it will be nice to spend time with her on Christmas day; she doesn't have close family in town. The kids really like her, too, especially Sophie. She's very interesting and well travelled; she's a surgery nurse by profession and is in her late 50s. And she's as big a Dr. Who fan as Sophie is.

So I'm pretty stable, considering the time of year. 

Merry Christmas to you all!!

we have a winner (170.0)

The add on medication Rexulti must be doing it's job. Because I'm feeling emotionally healthy and pretty happy, my intrusive thoughts are way down, I'm getting up in the morning w/o hitting the snooze at around 5am (sometimes 4:30am), I'm eating real foods (and cooking!), I'm cleaning and organizing, I'm going to OA meetings weekly, I'm exercising regularly, I'm working with my sponsor, and I've been abstinent. 

I started rexulti on 10/26.  I'm still on 150 mg wellbutrin and also on 100 mg of topamax. It's a nice little cocktail.  I'm also taking a lot of supplements.  Calcium, fish oil, magnesium, Vit D, Vit C, glucosamine, and I think there are a couple of others I'm forgetting.  I take the calcium, fish oil, & glucosamine twice a day. 

I've done a lot of organizing and decluttering the past couple weekends, in my closet and drawers, in Luke's closet & room, in the front sitting room (which is really a catch-all room and was a total disaster), in the kitchen cabinets. It makes me happier to have a cleaner, organized living space. And I've had the energy to make it happen. 

I've wondered lately whether I'm TOO happy and energetic.  I'm not staying up all night.  I don't think I'm manic, but I'm certainly more happy and energetic than is normal for my normal self. So it's weird, and the thought has crossed my mind.  Is this a touch manic? 

Which is pretty sad, isn't it? That I'm questioning whether this happy energy, this getting up in the morning before my alarm goes off, getting up at 4:30 & going for a run at 5:20 AM (which I did on Tuesday--& it was amazing) is OKAY or if it's abnormal. It's just so unusual for me. 

  

I figure as long as I'm going to bed and sleeping, getting a solid 7 or so hours of sleep (which is about what I normally get), I'm not technically manic and hopefully it's just an awesome combination of drugs, supplements, good food, working my OA program, and the grace of God working in my life. Whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully a realllly long time. 

Halloween 2015

Sophie is Sally from Nightmare before Christmas. We bought her dress and tights from Hot Topic. This was the 5th time she wore it. She had a lot of Halloween events this year. Dress is well made. I washed it twice and it held up. Mark did her blue makeup and she did her stitches.

Luke is Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi. You can't buy this costume. Mark made it from a priest's robe (worn backwards and bottom cut off, extra used as belt) and a black t-shirt (cut up and fabric glued to look like a vest/tunic). And I found black gloves for $1 at the craft store.

First year they didn't trick or treat together. Sophie went with her three best friends from the acting studio, then they went to a party. Luke had a great time being the center of attention from us, and we ran into friends of ours who have kids in his grade that we walked with for about 45 minutes.

After we were all done, Mark, Luke and I watched Empire Strikes Back. I picked Sophie up at 10:15. And then she and Luke did the annual candy exchange.

It's been three years since I've eaten a piece of candy. Not tempted by it in the least. 

My Halloween Costume

I dressed up this year for work.  Halloween is a big deal at the college. People can wear costumes all week.  I only dressed up today.  Last year, I didn't dress up at all, and was the only one who didn't. So there was no way I wasn't going to this year. 

The coat was my mom's (faux) from when I was a little girl.  I had the dress from a work event with Mark a few weeks ago.  I bought the wig, gloves & cigarette holder from Amazon (separately) for a total of $25.  Sophie had green eyeshadow and I had the lipstick.  So an easy costume to pull together.  And it's a big hit.  Especially since we have a Vet Tech program with doggies in the Kennel.  Muwahahaha!  :) 

starting over is humbling (172.2)

So your advice, Vickie, about not pushing myself and over training came at a great time.  I had mild shin splints the day I read your comment, and I was ticked about it.  I had gone for a long, fast outdoor walk with a little jogging thrown in on a Friday, and by Sunday my shins were really super sore. I needed to do more miles to stay on track for my (self imposed) "training schedule," but your comment slowed me down.  It would do me no good to keep tearing my muscles & tendons with further pavement pounding, so I just rested until they healed. 

And I brought my training indoors to my treadmill and slowed down to a snails pace.  And I mean slow.  20 min miles last week (3.0mph). Tuesday=2.5 miles in 50 mins.  Wednesday=2.0 miles in 40 mins.  Those were my only two workouts last week.  And I felt like a freaking old woman.  My shins didn't hurt, but it still pissed me off.  So I made sure to eat well and I went to my OA meeting on Saturday morning.  My goal is to get this extra weight off so I can get faster and not be in pain. 

I did do an hour on the TM yesterday with a faster walking pace (I varied it from 3.0-3.5mph), with five or six running intervals thrown in. I ran at a 5.2 mph, couple of times pushed it to 5.5. The running felt amazing.  Nothing hurt. I felt strong and excited to be running again.  Of course after about 90 seconds I was struggling to breathe, and at around 2 minutes I had to slow back down to a walk. But that's how running begins. You don't go from 3.0 to 5.5 mph nonstop overnight. 

Food is much better.  I started cooking again, which I know sounds lame but I really have been super lazy on the food front and just eating what Luke eats or what Mark cooks and lots of frozen and restaurant foods.  I pulled out a couple of old Roni favorites (her greenlitebites website is wonderful), and even came up with an easy couscous/veggie recipe myself (cook couscous in veggie broth, then add chopped 1/2 cucumber, 1 red bell pepper, 1 carrot, add a big bunch of chopped cilantro--that's it. I added some avocado and you could also add black beans).  Sophie & Mark enjoy my cooking; Luke not so much--he's beyond picky (not even going there). 

I still am struggling with needing SOMETHING at night before bed.  So that is what I am going to work on with my sponsor now that I'm going to be working OA again.

I meet with my nurse practitioner this afternoon about my meds. I'll report back. 

Sophie has high school open house this and next week.  She doesn't want to go to the school in our district. She can choose any public school in the county, and we have several charter schools to chose from. So she is looking at one of the toughest charter schools that has an International Baccalaureate program (it is in downtown) but has limited number of spots and usually a lottery system to determine who gets in (there is an application process with an essay and everything).  And then another public school which also has the IB program; my good friend used to teach English at this school before she moved out of state. The principal at this high school has won multiple awards.  I had a student in my office today who went to both of these schools, and she loved the public school and the principal.  At this point the charter school is her first choice with the public school as back up if she can't get in. 

Still working with Mark 1 to 1.5 days a week.  It's going OK. I think he still wants me to work for him more, but that's not going to happen any time soon. For now the college is working with me to keep my hours flexible so I can do this.  They haven't indicated that this is going to change, and while it may not continue indefinitely, there isn't a date as to when it's going to stop in the near future. 

SSRIs are not my friends

I've learned my lesson again. The hard way. I cannot take an SSRI without gaining a crap ton of weight in a hurry. No matter the studies, no matter how fancy or expensive. My metabolism, my brain, my body, whatever--they just don't get along with SSRIs.

I started tapering off topamax in March. I gained about 4 pounds by the end of June. Not great but no bigs. Then started on Brintellix on July 11. By August 23 I had gained 7 pounds. By Sept 30 I had gained another 10 pounds. Yes 17 pounds in less than 3 months! I got up to 177. And I was done.

My appetite had increased some and I was eating more but not that much more. It was exactly what happened the year I started Prozac when I was 27 and I gained 40 pounds in a short time.

Well I'm done. I'm weaning off Brintellix. No drug will make me happy enough to offset the depression from gaining back 50 pounds.

And today I signed up to run the Indy half marathon on May 7. I'm going with a girl from the college who recently lost 80 pounds and took up running. She's really excited.

Will post more soon.

Good news about work

I got the ok to work 32-36 hours a week at the college and work a day and a half a week for Mark. Yay!

I finally had to ask when my manager told me there was a hiring freeze and they weren't replacing my fired coworker's spot. I had been waiting to talk with her until after the new person was hired. But this news forced my hand.

I explained I had to start helping Mark a couple days a week or he was going to either sell the business and get another job, or kill himself working so hard. So it's either the college let me work less or I was leaving to get a part time job and work for Mark.

My boss and the campus president got it approved through corporate, and if I work 32 hours a week I can keep my benefits. For now I'm working two 10 hr days, and half day of 5 hours on Tuesdays, a 7-8 hour day and Saturdays for 4 hours (until Sept 21 it's every Saturday but it will likely go every other after that). I have alternate Wednesday's and Friday's off.

So I work Tuesday afternoons and either Wednesday or Friday with Mark. This is my 3rd week and so far it's going well. I enjoy seeing Mark and seeing his relief at me being there to help. I like the slower pace with his office too. It's less intense and less extroverted. I'm not very efficient yet but any help is a help to him.

Now, this is all supposed to be evaluated by the college in September to make sure it's going ok. But I'm busting my butt and bending over backwards to make it work and keep everyone there happy. As long as I get the work done, and we don't get overwhelmed, it might work for a long time.

And if it doesn't then we'll deal with it then.

On the weight and food front. Ugh. Sunday I started tracking my calories. I was up to 168 and had to buy bigger pants (I have away my size 12s).

And that was The Line.

I knew I had to get my act back together. Because you can still gain weight even if you don't eat cookies, pies, ice cream, or donuts. Pretty much everything else, I ate. I was snacking at my desk. I was eating later and later at night. I wasn't eating fruit and veggies.

Once a food addict, always a food addict.

I can't fit OA meetings into my schedule right now. So I've created a food plan by using the app Lose It. I keep track of my calories and you can't eat crap if your limited to around 1500 calories a day. So far so good.

That's it for now. I'll post more as life develops.

July update

Thanks for asking for an update, Vickie.  Here's the scoop.

We have not made any changes yet with my job.  They fired my coworker at the end of May, so it's been crazy busy for me and just gotten worse.  And it hasn't been a good time to ask for them to lower my hours when my manager and I can barely keep up working 40 hours a week. For all of June I worked 44-45 hours a week, and we were still behind. And I didn't want to just find another job and up and quit. That's a bridge I wasn't ready to burn. 

They still haven't found anyone to replace my fired coworker.  First round of interviews were a bust. They are interviewing another group next week. 

Anyway, the plan is to ask if they will let me work 30 hours a week.  And if they won't, I will probably have to find another job. I want to keep my benefits, of course, and who knows if they will go for that.  It's a lot to ask.  BUT the upscale private university in town pays benefits for part time employees--20 or 30 hours/week.  I know this because I interviewed for a 20 hr/week position with them back in February, and I've called them about a 30 hr/week position (but didn't apply).  So I will bring that up as a "it's not unheard of to pay benefits for less than 40 hrs/week."  

If the 30 hr/week thing goes through, the idea is to work a full day and two half days with Mark. 

I am hoping to address this with my manager at my annual review at the end of this month/early August, or possibly sooner.  I'm scared to bring it up when we are so slammed, but it's starting finally to slow down.  Also I'm just flat out scared.  

The kids are good.  Sophie didn't get a part in Shrek the Musical, but she was the lead in the summer day camp play, Alice in Wonderland (can't remember if she had that part yet in my last update). She had to learn all her lines at home before day 1 of camp, and then in one week they put it together for a show on Saturday night.  She was AMAZING!!!  She was the perfect Alice.  I was so stinking proud of her.  She's now rehearsing for a play that runs the weekend before school starts; she has a small role but at least she's in the play. 

She has had two bad dizzy spells this year--once in March that was really bad (ended up in the ER with dehydration) and another in May; both lasted 2 weeks.  She missed the last day and a half of school.  We weren't sure if she would even get to do the summer play as Alice, because she was still dizzy the weekend before (and still, she learned all her songs and her lines).  Thankfully she was able to push through, although she was "dizzy in her head" several days of camp that week. 

At any rate, we saw a new neurologist (in town) last week.  He basically just listened to her history and gave her a new abortive (triptan) drug, since maxalt doesn't usually work (which is also a triptan, but the new one is supposed to last longer).  

She also has been seeing a physical therapist for a little over a month to work on her balance; I think this is the best thing we have done for her.  She has horrible balance--can't balance on one leg even.  The PT thinks something may have gotten off with her brain's balance system back when Sophie was little and had her first episodes of vertigo, and it just never learned what it was supposed to do.  So we are trying to retrain her brain.   

Vickie you will like this:  The PT office also made her new custom orthotic inserts for her feet--her arches collapse when she stands (Luke has the same issue, called ligament laxity).  She had inserts from the chiropractor from 2013 but they weren't as substantial as these.  Luke has inserts from the podiatrist I took him to last year, but they don't help--his feet still hurt when he walks or stands very long.  The PT said little kids shouldn't have the half-insert hard shell type for their feet, which is what he has.  So I am planning to get him some made, also. 

School starts on August 10.  I am taking July 30 & 31st off to get kids ready (Mark's birthday is also the 31st).  Sophie will be in 8th grade, Luke in 4th.  

It's going to be a big homework year for them both, I think.  Sophie has great study habits; Luke does not.  

For him, I expect a lot of maturity and emotional growth as a 4th grader. They switch classes at his school starting in 4th grade--so he has a different teacher for every subject and the students change rooms (like middle & high school).  In 4th grade the school puts all the high-ability kids in one class together, which is great b/c they can all learn together at the same-ish pace.  

We haven't done much this summer--Mark went to Colorado in June for his brother's wedding.  We couldn't go b/c Sophie was at sleep away camp at the same time (I couldn't have gotten off work anyway).  

Sophie did two weeks of acting camp, a week of church sleep away camp, and now is in the middle of 3 weeks of being a camp counselor at Angel Mounds (outdoorsy) camp.  

Luke.... he did one week of Angel Mounds camp and then has just been home all summer, either with Sophie when she's off, or with my mom & niece (6th grader this year). He's enjoying being a PJ wearing kid almost every day.  Back to school is going to be an adjustment for him, to say the least.  

I saw a new nurse practitioner for my medications last week.  I wanted a new perspective and new drugs.  I weaned myself off of topamax--I could tell it was making me more depressed and anxious.  I've been completely off it for a couple of weeks, but it took me about 3 months to wean off, I went very slowly. I feel better from a depression and anxiety standpoint, but the topamax was helping me with my food cravings, and as I weaned off, I started eating more.  Last time I weighed I was up to 161.  Ugh. 

I started a drug on Saturday called brintellix (she gave me samples, apparently it's expensive).  It's a newish antidepressant.  Also still on wellbutrin xl.  Brintellix is very well studied and doesn't have many bad side effects, according to my NP.  The worst has been it makes me feel slightly nauseous if I don't eat with it.  I go back to see the NP in mid August.  We are starting with this and if we need to add something else for my intrusive thoughts/OCD/perfectionist issues, we can.  

I've been having more migraines in the past couple of weeks.  I need to tweak my food, I think, and get off of processed crap I eat at night.  I don't know what else it would be--my migraines are almost always food related.  So, two birds and all that--stop the migraines, stop the weight gain. 

So basically I am just taking it a day at a time, doing the same thing over & over every day, every week.....with this big work decision hanging over me.  I'm sort of in the middle of the road emotionally.  It's been better, it's been worse.  I'm not complaining, much.

April Update (156.2)

I wrote this on April 4.... it's out of date, being that today is April 20th.  I had a birthday on April 13th & I'm already 45.  But I might as well post what I wrote, and then add some more at the end.

*****

It's April already. It's true what all the "old" people say. The older you get the
faster time goes by. Now that I'm in my mid 40s the weeks are going by
at light speed.

I will be 45 in a week. So I'm now on the climb to 50. Which is fine.
Just acknowledging that it's coming down the pike.

I started this blog when I was 36. My age is in the web address even.
Not sure why I did that--maybe my age felt significant at the time.
So I've has this blog for 9 years. Doesn't seem possible that it's
been so long ago that I read Frances's book and met Vickie and Jill and
Jen and Lori and Helen and Jodie and Shauna and Jeannette and lots of
other bloggers that my 45 year old brain seriously can't remember
their names but do remember their stories.

My face isn't yet showing my age much (aside from what gravity is
doing to the elasticity). I'm blessed with good genes, and being a
geek as a teenager and staying inside reading meant I avoided the sun,
which helped a lot. My body is starting to feel it though. I wake up
with an aching right knee sometimes, like this morning. I put on some
KT tape and wrap it and take some ibuprofen and I'm ok, it doesn't
last. But it's a symptom of things to come, I'm sure.

I know I need to start taking better care of myself. Taking yoga
again. Or just taking walks. I may never run long distances on a
regular basis again. I'm not sure it's a good thing anymore for me. I
don't have time, for one. And two, my joints don't need the beating.

Mentally I have work to do as well. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow.
I haven't been to an OA meeting for months. Working full time and
trying to do everything to take care of a 7th and 3rd grader and a
household is sometimes more than I can handle. I also help Mark when I
need to on the weekends with his client letters. Mark works 60 hours a
week, at least. His job is really more than he can manage by himself.

*****

That was all I wrote on the 4th.  Incomplete, so I didn't post. So here's some more. 

I'm seeing my therapist again this afternoon.  She had had a cancellation & I took it.  My next appointment will be on May 22. She's just that busy.  Anyway, we mostly talked about Big Life Stuff.  Here's what's going on. 

My husband is beyond overwhelmed working by himself.  He managed OK without me the first year by himself.  It was tough but he did it.  But his clients are becoming more demanding, his practice is changing--people want more financial planning, and that's what he should be doing, being that he is a Certified Financial Planner, and he simply can't do the day-to-day minutia of an assistant PLUS the in-depth planning of a CFP in the number of hours he works.  He puts in 60-65 hours a week.  And he is killing himself.  We have to make a change. 

We are seriously considering me quitting my job and going back to work with him.  When we started looking at hiring someone else, it just doesn't make sense.  The amount I clear after taxes is basically what we would have to pay someone to be his assistant. My hours suck - in my 40 hour work week, two of my days are late nights--I work Mondays until 8 PM and Wednesday until 7pm.  And on Thursdays I have choir practice at church from 7-8:30pm.  I feel like I'm never available when my kids need me.

People keep quitting at the college--things are pretty unstable.  Our Campus President just resigned Friday; he's worked here for 17 years and left for a better opportunity at another private college.  Shizzle is getting real.  This is not a place to make a career.  A year ago, I would have said it was.  Now?  No flipping way. 

But this is a HUGE risk and we would be back to the same financial burden we were before without a second income.  I would have Cobra for health insurance for 18 months, but then we'd have to go on the Health Reform Plan, which ain't cheap.  

We would also be back to "working together," and before that happens, my therapist suggested we write down our expectations and set ground rules for this time around (both of us, not just me). It's not easy working with your husband.  

We've been talking about it for a few months, so I've been in knots about it since.  Mark has been super stressed since late fall.  He just keeps hanging in there and moving forward because he doesn't have any other choice.  To his credit, his business has done better than ever year over year, even with me gone. But again, his health is sincerely suffering.  He can't keep up the work-a-holic pace.  

He'll be 53 this year.  The heart attack risk in his family is real. I can't let my fear of the unknown get in the way of us making this change, because my fear of him having a heart attack from his overworking is much greater.  I don't want to grow old without my husband or have my children grow up without their father. 

That may sound overly dramatic.  But it's not.  This is how much stress he's under.  I see it. He doesn't come home until 9 or 10pm on weeknights (he is with kids on Mondays but every other night he works late).  He's not eating healthfully.  He's not exercising. His dad died at 51 years old.  His oldest brother died at 57.  Both his brothers had first heart attacks at 54 (and lived--neither was on cholesterol medication, which Mark has been since he was in his late 30s).  I see the writing on the wall. 

All I know is, if we make this change, it doesn't create a magic cure-all for his (or my) stress to go POOF! & he's going to be all better.  But it will create space in BOTH our lives for things to open up to healthier roads.  That's the plan anyway. 

As far as the financial stuff goes, we're working on building up a nest egg so we have a cushion before I give my notice.  My therapist said not to necessarily make the "cushion" the determining factor for when I leave--she said to consider that perhaps when I joined him, my being there could also pave the way to him doing more business that would allow the nest egg to be built. So we are thinking on that, too.

And there is enough planning business, Mark thinks, that if I'm with him, it will increase his monthly recurring revenue to offset my current income.  He has done zero prospecting or attempts at growing his business, other than from clients referring family & friends. So financially he can increase his income production, but he doesn't think it will be an issue--the potential now, vs. when I left a year and a half ago, is different from what it was, because his business model is changing. 

Our tentative goal is summer.  Which is a breath away. We will see.  

I had a little break down this morning, because I have too many scenarios in my head, and I ruminate over and over on how things *could* go.  I dropped to my knees and laid my forehead on the floor and prayed that God would just take them all from me and help me to surrender.  Because I can't control one flipping thing in my life right now.  It's all TOO BIG and I don't know where it's going and it's time I stopped trying to control everything. 

If I were going to my OA meetings and working my steps, this is the kind of stuff I'd be working on.  Clearly, I got a lot of baggage--the same baggage I've always had--and it needs to be worked on. 

I've gained a little weight, and it shows to me but probably not to others.  I'm not growing out of my clothes but I'm squishier and I notice.  The other major bonus to me leaving my current job is I'm back to Monday night OA meetings. I need them so desperately. Not just for food.  It's so much more than food. My emotional bingeing is almost more of an issue than anything I put in my mouth.  I still don't eat cookies, cake, ice cream, or any of my other binge foods. And I don't eat at my desk during the day between meals.  But I don't eat cleanly and I don't eat like I need to.  I eat too many convenience foods (again, no time, no space, no desire, for the prep involved) and I eat for comfort more than I should. Even if it's not a binge, eating for comfort is outside of being abstinent.  So, work to be done.  But I'm not bingeing, and I haven't regained a lot of weight. So it's not all a loss. 

Anyway, that's the low down.  I know it's a lot and it's not sunshine and roses.  I'm not in a deep depression or anything.  Just at a big fat crossroads.  I'll update when we make any decisions or have any news to share, good, bad or otherwise. 

The kids are doing well.  They are busy in school!  Sophie auditions for a play this Saturday--Shrek the Musical at her acting studio.  Luke's teacher told us that he scored the highest in the class on their math & English acuity tests, & she hopes that bodes well for his IStep scores (the state's standardized tests--3rd grade is the first year for the test). 

Last day of school is May 22, which is so close they can almost taste it.  I don't have them signed up for any camps yet.  I am SO far behind.  I don't think they are doing much.  Sophie will do more than Luke.  I think Luke will do one full week of camp and might do some half days at a local church, but will stay with mom & Sophie otherwise. They really are old enough that they like to stay home & be together and CHILL more than anything else.  

Disney Princess 2015

I finished the half marathon without injury or issue. The first 5
miles I kept up a pace around 14:30-15:00 by walking and jogging
intervals.

Then I hit the Magic Kingdom and my pace went south. I stopped to take
a couple selfies and text people and then there was a bottle neck as
we went through the castle.

At mile 7 I was only 45 sec ahead of pace (16 min mile is pace to
finish to avoid being swept). At that point in the course, we are
mostly down to one lane highways or paths and it is shoulder to
shoulder the rest of the race. So my pace kept getting worse and
worse.

I was already getting tired. Add to that having to constantly dodge
slower people to keep moving through open spots, and I got slower and
more frustrated and tired. I dodged so much my final distance was
around 13.6 miles (forgot to stop my watch at the end so got some
extra steps that didn't count after I crossed the finish line).

I ended up walking a lot more in the last half, which I expected since
I didn't train. But what I didn't expect was to get caught by the
Balloon Ladies after mile 10! These are the pacers that if you fall
too far behind, you get pulled from the course and put on a bus and
aren't allowed to finish. (Two of our group got pulled at mile 8--one
is very overweight, has health issues and didn't train and expected
not to finish, the other is 69 years old--they were together the whole
race.)

Since I started in the last corral, I had no time cushion. If you
start in an earlier corral you can maintain a slower pace and still
finish. I caught up to one of my friends (this was her first half)
soon after the balloon ladies caught me (she was several corrals ahead
of me at the start) and we encouraged each other to keep going.

Sometimes the balloons were behind us and sometimes in front, but we
always kept them in sight and close by. We would jog when we had to.
It was really crowded and the sun was up and it was in the 70s. So the
last few miles of the race sucked.

But we finished together.

Here we all are. The lady in the middle is Queen Mom, mother the the
last girl on the right. The girl next to me is who I finished with and
was her first race (she did train, but her problem was she didn't wear
her leggings and her legs seriously chafed so she was in pain the
whole race--very sad rookie mistake.) The two on the right are sisters
in law (girl in pink married to girl in black's brother).

Girl in pink has lost 117 pounds in the past 14 months. She came with
me to OA when all else failed her. She's my best friend. She has done
6 half marathons. This was her PR. She finished in 3 hrs 10 min.

Way better than me. My net time was 3:35:53. But I'm just happy I
finished with no injuries.

I had a great time at the parks and with the girls. There were three
other girls on the trip other than those here (but I don't have a pic
with all of us and I'm not close to them).

This is my last time to do this race. It's expensive. I don't like
being away from Mark and the kids that long (5 days). I'm not training
like I need to. I've done it 3 times. I don't feel the need to keep
doing this experience over and over. The other girls are planning to
keep on with it. The SILs are going to California (with their
families) in the fall to run the Disney half so they can get the Coast
to Coast medal. But they both have husbands who make a lot of money
(they own a well established family business together) and neither of
them work outside the home, so they can justify it.

Anyway....Mark and the kids survived while I was away. There were
hiccups. Sophie joked that "dad tries so hard." He only messed up
minor things and the kids are pretty forgiving. And he did all the
laundry and cleaned the house while I was gone. I couldn't ask for
more. (The other girls came home and complained they had mountains of
laundry to do!)

So that's the report. I got home yesterday at 2:30am (late flight out
of Orlando, drove home from Nashville) and got 3 hours sleep before
going to work. I slept hard last night for 8 hours but am still tired.
Hoping to catch up more tonight.

maintaining normal (154.0)

Well, I survived January.  We all stayed healthy (praise the Lord), no major crises occurred (other than our garage door opener was broken for about a week & needed an $80 repair), and basically life is moving along at a pretty even pace. 

I'm doing okay.  I didn't sink into a winter depression, which was a blessing.  I guess on a happy scale of 1 - 10, I'm probably at a 5 most days.  A lot of people might think that's not good enough.  I used to be one of those people. But I've been through a lot of emotional ups and downs.  And this time of year, I'll take a steady 5.  

I haven't been to an OA meeting since before Christmas.  I still work Mondays until 8pm; Mondays were when I went to meetings.  Saturday mornings at 8:30 are the only other time I can go, and I just have not been able to make myself get going on the ONLY morning I have off during the week.  I talked to my sponsor about it (I meet her for lunch every few weeks).  She totally understands.  I am supposed to be looking for online meetings or podcasts, which I haven't done yet.  

But I'm not binging, not eating trigger foods or desserts, not eating between meals, and not gaining weight. I think the roots I planted with OA went deep. I know that I NEED to do more work with the program, and I can't rest on my laurels forever, but for now I'm okay. I know where to go when I need support, if things start to fall apart. 

Work at the College is going well.  But our CFO of 5 years resigned a couple weeks ago and we have put regional accreditation on hold indefinitely (they say because of legislative issues around gainful employment in Washington, D.C.), which meant they let a few people go in our administrative offices in Indy.  They tell us underlings that the school is strong and blah blah blah, but things like that don't make me feel good about long term prospects.  I'm not actively seeking a new job but I am looking at the two major university's in town websites a couple times a week for new job postings, and also getting emails from Indeed.com for bachelor's degree jobs.  I really want to work for the major private university in town.... employees' kids get free tuition.  That's like a $100,000 education for free.  Of course, everyone wants to work there.  It's very hard to get a job at that school. Sophie's a 7th grader, so I have time.... 

Kids are doing well.  Sophie is now in Improv class and voice lessons.  She loves both.  The acting studio had a great article in the paper Sunday, and Sophie was in the main picture (the photographer was at her Improv class).  Luke is in acting/voice class (30 min each) and ukulele lessons.  He is getting pretty good at ukulele.  He can change chords without looking at his hand. 

They are still doing well in school.  Sophie's 7th grade year has been a lot of work, but she's still working hard and stays self-motivated. Luke will take iStep tests (the state's standardized tests) this year for the first time; they start in 3rd grade. I'm assuming his will all be pass++++++.  haha, they only go to Pass+, but he'll be off the charts, I'm sure, the little smarty pants. 

Mark is working 60-70 hours a week.  He's doing two jobs--my old one & his.  It's wearing him down.  We can't afford to hire an assistant for him yet. He's doing the best he can.  But it really is hard on him.  We know we didn't have a choice for me to leave & get a real job, but some days.... some days we wish it didn't have to be this way.  So we just keep doing what we're doing because what other choice do we have? 

I guess the big news is that I am going to Florida on Feb 19 for the Disney Princess Half Marathon, with the same girls I went with 2 years ago. I signed up last summer/fall, kind of on a whim, because my friend Amy really wanted me to go, and I thought it would be a motivator for me to start running again.  Well, guess what? I have run (well, walked/jogged) maybe 3 times since I signed up.  So yeah, I'm doing a half marathon with no training. I'll be walking with a few jogs thrown in so I can keep a 16 min/mile pace so I don't get pulled from the course. I am resting in the knowledge that I walked a 10 mile race this past summer with no training and was totally fine--no injuries, no problems, could have jogged and gone another 3 miles easily.  

I know the Disney course--it's flat and easy. I'm in a walker corral. I'm going to have fun and not beat myself up about it.  I am not having any physical issues--no everyday aches or pains.  So I'm sure I will be fine.  No, it's not ideal and yes, it's a little stupid.  But I've paid a ton of money and can't back out.  And this season of my life--working a full time job with irregular weird hours and with a husband who works an insane amount of hours too--is not conducive to a runner's lifestyle. 

That's how I'm rationalizing it so I can live with myself, anyway. 

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I really don't know what I'm going to talk to her about.  Things are generally pretty good.  Good with my mom.  Good with my husband (for the most part... we barely see each other... which maybe isn't so good but my therapist can't fix that).  Good with the kids.  I'm sure I could fix some deep dark issues inside myself.  But frankly, I don't wanna. 

I go to work.  Take care of kids.  Take care of managing our household (which is a part-time job in itself).  And then in my "off" time, escape through TV & books.  That's pretty much my life right now.  And pretty much all I have room for. Maybe that's what I'll talk with her about.  Getting to a place where I'm okay with my life being summed up in those small sentences.  Those small sentences are what have put me on a happy scale of a 5.  

When the weather warms up, I hope to add more activity to our lives.  And maybe bump up the scale to a 6 or 7.  We'll see.  Things always look happier with more sunshine.  If not, a 5 isn't so bad.  I've had worse.