Acceptance

It's difficult to accept that I can't eat sugar. Ever.

Giving up chocolate is probably the hardest part right now.

Not having pumpkin pie or birthday cake or ice cream--ever--is more
than I can wrap my head around.

Yet I keep thinking of the alcoholic that quits drinking and thinks
the same thing. I can't have alcohol--ever.

Comparing my sugar addiction to alcoholism is, no pun intended,
sobering. My addiction is no less significant. No less painful to
conquer. My pain is real.

I'm in mourning for the loss of sugar. And in doubt as to whether I
can do this for the rest of my life.

That's where the AA tenants come in. I simply can't worry about the
rest of my life. I can only take on today. And I need to practice
living each day through the serenity prayer.

Still, it messes with my head-- "I can never have _______ again."

I'm starting a grateful list today. Writing down 10 things I'm
grateful for every day. I will include the reasons I'm grateful for
sugar free living. I hope they will help me focus on acceptance.

Eventually I'll get to acceptance and abundance. But right now, this
mourning process has me feeling the loss of what I'm giving up.
*****
I weighed today and I'm back to 168.8. I didn't weigh when I was at my
height of binging a couple weeks ago. My guess is I was a good 5
pounds heavier. While weight loss isn't the focus right now--Karly
advises against focusing on weight loss as you may over eat non sugar
foods in the beginning--it will hopefully be a benefit of giving up
sugar.

Devotional reading

I read this just now in my devotional book I have at my desk at work.  It spoke to me today, and I wanted to share. 

O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.

Pressure me that I may grow more human,

not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them...

Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly,
and my needs honestly.

Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them and they in me.

Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations

that divert me from the small, glad gifts

of the now and the here and the me.

Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,

until I can laugh at last

through my common frailties and failures,

laugh my way toward becoming whole.

--Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace


Therapy appointment scheduled for Monday, 4/2.  Acupunture scheduled for Friday, 3/30.

Day 6

Lots more energy. Physical cravings are gone. Emotional and habitual
cravings are still very much an issue.

But I can identify them when they happen and name them for what they are.

After lunch and dinner I still crave a sweet. I have been eating
strawberries or an apple and drinking hot tea.

Chocolate is ever present in my mind. I was eating a lot of it before
I started this. So it's not surprising. The chocolate thoughts come
when I used to eat it-- mid afternoon, after work, before bed.
Habitual thinking I have to reprogram.

I also have snacks the kids like but I don't. I threw out the Hersey
bars. Chips ahoy are gone too.

My before bed routine has to change. I can't put the kids to bed then
sit on the couch. That is a minefield of bad habits. So tonight I sat
in my front room while listening to music and painting my nails. So no
food issues to get sucked into.

It's hard. Breaking bad habits is a bitch.

My mantra is "sugar makes me crazy. I can't be crazy." And also, "I
just have to get through today. I can get through today (or the next
hour or the next 20 minutes)."

Day 5 detox from sugar

I'm still hanging in there.

Day 3 was brutal. I actually took Monday off from work. I felt like I
had a case of mild flu most of the day. By the afternoon I was better.

Yesterday was not as difficult. Last night I had tons of energy.

Today I'm awake at 5:30. So I am on an up trend now.

Cravings have been light and stemming more from routine than anything.
Like eating hot tamales from the candy dish when I get home from work
(dish is gone now). Having some chocolate after lunch and dinner.
Eating cookies before bed.

There are a lot of foods I am mourning. I miss chocolate the most.

I just keep repeating in my head what Karly writes--I can't eat sugar.
Ever. Sugar makes me crazy.

Not--sugar makes me fat. Crazy.

I don't want to be fat, but I can live as an overweight middle aged
wife and mom. And I don't hurt anyone but myself.

I can't live life crazy. Or angry. Or passed out from a binge. That
hurts the people I love most.

So it's going well. I am hopeful for more good stuff ahead. And
hopefully will have enough time and energy to start working out again
this week.

Day 2 sugar detox

I guess I'm doing this right because I feel like crap.

Actually it does feel good not to be a slave to sugar right now.
Yesterday was pretty great. I knew days 2-4 would be the hardest. And
while I was fine this morning, by late afternoon today I could feel
the chemical shift in my brain and body.

"To get out you must go through." I read that quote yesterday either
in Karly's book or Vickie's blog or somewhere. My detoxing brain can't
remember and after a 5 minute search gives up.

At any rate, I can't get out of the sugar without first going through detox.

I wish I was in a fancy detox spa. But I'm not. Real life is my only
way through.

In her book Karly says to detox during a non stressful time. Which I
agree with and wish I could adhere to.

But I don't know that I'll ever have a non stressful time in my life.
Heck, compared to when my dad was sick, this IS a non stressful time.

And honestly, the alternative--giving my life over to sugar addiction
and all the misery that goes with it--isn't an option and won't make
me feel any better. So I guess it's all good.

I am camped out in my relaxing front room reading more of her book.
I'm not craving sugar, which is a relief.

I just feel like I got hit by a truck.

Being in the sugar is too hard

I've been playing this mind game over the past few weeks about how I'm
going to get through the work and stress.

I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.

Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.

I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.

This is of course addict behavior.

I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.

I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.

I felt ashamed and out of control.

It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.

So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.

I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.

It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
life giving.

I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.

I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.

It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.

I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.

The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.

It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.

Good things ahead (168.8)

I am swamped so this is a quick update.

We are joining another practice on April 18th.  There are three advisers in their mid 30s, each with 8-10 years experience.  They are sharp and successful and family oriented, and everything we have been looking for in a team. There are four other support staff; I will be the 5th.  It's going to be a great move for us, our family, our clients, and for the practice we are joining.  Win win win all around.

We are meeting with clients like mad, doing annual reviews and sharing the news.  We (I) also have a ton of work to do to transition our business. I am starting to work weekends as of tomorrow, for as long as it takes.

Oh, and the other broker fired his new assistant on Monday.  He has a woman who's a friend helping him out now, and she's really bright but has no financial experience.  So far they haven't bothered me much.  But it's just one more unstable element in my daily life.  Things at work and around him are getting worse, not better, and I cannot wait to be free of this place.

I ran once this week, lifted weights once this week, am going to a boot camp thing with one of the girls I ran with in Florida on Saturday morning.  So I'm keeping fairly active.

My food during the day is fine. My night time eating is awful.  Lots of afters going on.

So, I've got issues. But I'm too busy to deal with them effectively. 

The good news is I feel okay, not depressed.  The sunlight and longer days help a lot.  My kids and husband are doing well.  Lots of good stuff.  Just a bit overwhelming. 

I will update more when I can.