I'm doing better (167.0)

Using the SAD light consistently seems to be key in keeping me sane.
My meds are also increased slightly which is hopefully helping. Online
sermons from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church are literally a God send
for me. As is my quiet time with my Bible in the morning.

It's still been a rough week though. I'm crazy busy and so is Mark. I
cry almost every morning but that's really not a bad thing. I'm not
crying at night anyway.

I'm eating better, more deliberately, less junk. It's showing in the
scale and my clothes. I ran twice this week; doing 9 miles Saturday.
My half marathon is 30 days away.

We are all healthy (whispered and knocking wood--there's a lot of
sickness going around).

I am too busy to write anything other than a quick update though. But
I have lots of thoughts on eliminating hurry, on what true rest means
for me, and on how relying on money or food to soothe the void when
pain comes is a symptom of self sufficiency instead of living with
God's grace. So hopefully I'll have time soon to actually put some
thoughts to paper.

As it is, I'm typing this on my iPhone right before bed. Which is
better than nothing.

Back to the psych (170.0) and "hurry"

My moods have been cycling a bit lately.  I thought it was just missing days on my SAD light or hormones.  And maybe in part it is.  But the past week I've been using my SAD light regularly and I've still had weird days.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling on top of the world--and like I was going to get myself on track and lose weight and get back into great shape.  By the end of the day, I was back in the pit. 

Then Wednesday I woke up in the pit, but ended the day feeling really great, only to have the air let out of me when I got home because of a conversation with my husband. And I was back in the pit.  I went running last night and that helped alleviate some stress, but I stayed pretty much in the pit the rest of the night. 

This morning I realized that it's not just been the past two days I've been "cycling" through this stuff.  So I called my therapist's office and made an appointment for tomorrow to see the nurse practitioner and get my meds increased.  I'm on a very low dose of my mood stabilizer and there is plenty of room to increase it.

So onto the "hurry" part.  I am listening to Menlo Park Presbyterian podcasts (LOVE John Ortberg--thanks to Debby for introducing me to him a few years ago).  The one from 6/1/2010 is named "The Rest of Your Life."  It's centered around the 23rd Psalm. 

There's so much richness and meaningfulness in this sermon.  What has stuck with me is a conversation he had with his spiritual mentor, Dallas Willard.  It was a time in his life when the pace of their lives had accelerated tremendously. John asked him what he needs to do to be spiritually healthy and alive and vital. 

Dallas Willard responded with "you must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life."  There's nothing else.  Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. 

Hurry is different from Busy.  Busy is an outward condition, of your body. We are each wired with different capacities, to be able to be busy (at different levels of busyness) without being damaged by it. 

To be hurried is a disease of the soul.  To be hurried means that I am internally so preoccupied with my worries and my own little agenda that I become unable to live in the presence of my heavenly Father who loves me, and to be unable to be fully present with, listen and love, and marvel at another person. 

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  Because it will keep you from actually experiencing God's goodness and care for you from one moment to the next.

It's easy to imagine that someday someone or something is going to come along and eliminate this problem from your life.  But they won't! It's up to ME to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

I am listening to this sermon again and again.  And I'm working on figuring out what it means to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life. 

Checking in (170.0)

I'm ok. I'm stupidly busy with work and kids this month. My running is
on track--two solid runs during the week and 6 miles this morning. My
house is clean and laundry is done. I'm back to using my SAD light
everyday. Everyone was healthy this week.

My eating could be a lot better though. I'm out of my routine. My
evenings are one long string of "afters." Somedays are better than
others, and I get a good breakfast and lunch in, and I tend not to
indulge at night as much on those days.

I can feel the extra pounds in my clothes and see it on my waist line.
I'm not happy about it. But I'm not beating myself up either. I'm
doing the best I can right now with my crazy life. That's not an
excuse and I'm not giving up. It's just reality.

I actually feel pretty stable emotionally (this week anyway). My SAD
light makes a huge difference.

I do need to shift my mentality away from food as comfort and reward
and back to food as nourishment and fuel. There's the rub. I had a
devil and an angel on my shoulders last night and I heard the angel
voice saying "you don't want to eat this. You don't need it. You don't
need this food for comfort." I ignored it and ate for comfort anyway.

A big part of me knows that if I keep ignoring this voice it will
eventually stop talking to me. It's a quick slide down into the pit
once that happens. And then there's the part of me that rationalizes
and says I've been here before and I can stop when I want to.

That's addiction thinking. I know it is.

I have issues. I am doing the best I can. January's always suck for
me. February is when I started in 2007 to lose weight. I am half way
through January. I think I can make it the rest of the way without
doing too much damage.

January -- at last

I know I know. It's been too long. I've been meaning to post for days. I've not been in a good place. No surprise I guess since my silence here generally means I'm not doing great.

The holidays got me way off kilter. Too much food, not enough time to myself, not enough days in front of my SAD light, too much illness. I wasn't sick but Mark was, for basically a full month. It all takes a toll.

Then Sophie got the stomach flu Saturday and a migraine Sunday that just let up today. She went to school Monday for a couple of hours. I picked her up and the ride in the school wheel chair to my car made her so dizzy she threw up leaning out of my car onto the sidewalk.

Add to that work uncertainty (we are in the midst of making decisions on changing things) and general moodiness from hormones, the moon, or what have you, and it's no wonder I've been off.

So I went to my therapist today. It helped. I'm going back in a month. I also have been in front of my SAD light three days in a row. That helps.

I ran 8 very hard miles last Saturday but hadn't run before or after (until the 2.5 miles I did on the treadmill today). The 8 were hard because you can't run a 10 mile run one Saturday, do nothing all week, and then run 8 miles the next Saturday.

Also, my asthma kicked up big time and I wasn't carrying my inhaler. I haven't needed it during a run this year. Before a run, I always use it (albuteral), but usually only need it with me on long runs. Which in hindsight--duh. 8 miles is a long run. I am going to start carrying it with me again.

The proud news on the running front is I ran 5 miles non stop on the 10 miler and 6 miles non stop on the 8 miler. Not taking walk breaks is a big deal for me. The other good news is I haven't gained a bunch of weight. I was 168.6 yesterday. I didn't weigh today and it is probably a bit more. But I know what I need to do to get going in the right direction again.

A New Year doesn't do much for me. For me, the build up is too much. The expectations too high. The disappointment factor too great. Too hot and then too cold. Too much room for failure.

So I look at January as what it is-- 3 months more until Spring. And the days are already getting longer. I miss the sun and the green and the warmth. I am ready to bloom when March gets here.

 - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone